Chapter 10
This is so damn noisy.
My name, ‘Ryu So-ha,’ poured down like torrential monsoon rain.
The fake Dad kept calling me, as if he’d never get tired.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
The heavy door of the detached building shook as if it were about to break.
This had to be that thing they called a heart demon (心魔).
If I’d been an ordinary fourteen-year-old girl, I’d have already lost it by now.
Like in some tall ghost story, I’d have torn off the seal in a panic, thinking, “Gasp! Dad must be standing outside!”
But the rules I had to follow were astonishingly simple.
Don’t answer.
Don’t remove the seal.
Doubt your enlightenment.
I gritted my teeth and tried to regain my inner peace.
But nothing went the way I wanted.
‘I’m going crazy, I’m going crazy. Give it a rest already!’
There was another crucial reason, besides the voice, that I could hardly keep my composure.
My insides churned so violently, it was like the moments before Reactor No. 4 at Chernobyl exploded.
The cause was a thread of spiritual qi that had seeped in and tickled me.
Starting with the Water Qi that had successfully infiltrated me, the Metal, Wood, Fire, and Earth Qi poured into my meridians like a tsunami.
Just when the Water Qi seemed to stab my heart like a cold dagger, scorching Fire Qi surged violently back up my aorta like lava.
Wood Qi constricted my heart like kudzu vines, while Metal Qi seemed to slash me this way and that like scattered razor blades.
Earth Qi became a boulder twice my size and crushed me beneath it.
Inside my body, five giant beasts were fighting a bloody battle, wrecking the middle of Seoul,
while outside, a ghost straight out of a rule-based horror story was tap-dancing and begging me to open the door.
Cold sweat ran down my forehead and gathered at the edge of my tightly pressed lips.
I was wavering. My consciousness flickered precariously like a candle flame.
An ordinary young lady would’ve already torn off the sealing talisman and run, or fallen into qi deviation.
But who was I?
The unofficial successor to Richard Feynman, the reincarnation of Newton in this world, and the reborn Einstein, wasn’t I?
I was Kim Muyeol, a man who’d been the future of Korean theoretical physics and a proud Princeton graduate.
I’d endured the unfair persecution of an advisor who was a devil in human skin. I could withstand something like this.
Something similar had happened in my previous life, too.
If I pulled all-nighters in the lab, I’d sometimes hear my advisor’s furious scolding as an auditory hallucination.
Maybe this phenomenon was related.
I’d heard of it once.
Sensory deprivation syndrome.
If you stayed in a dark, enclosed space like this for a long time, the information stimulating your five senses would drop off much more sharply than usual.
When the brain was thrown into a panic by the sudden lack of external stimuli, it ended up generating false information on its own.
Auditory and visual hallucinations were common side effects of sensory deprivation.
So perhaps a heart demon was the product of information hastily generated by a brain that had become unbearably bored.
In other words, it might be nothing more than a hallucination.
A heart demon was a cognitive distortion projected by an anxious brain.
An illusion, a figment—therefore, nonexistent.
In physics terms, the thing outside the door was ‘Schrödinger’s cat.’
Nothing more than a cat in a closed box that hadn’t been observed.
I thought of the ‘observer effect’ in quantum mechanics.
Until observed, a particle exists spread out through space as a probabilistic wave function.
But the moment an observer opens the lid and perceives it, the wave function collapses, determining a single physical reality.
If I opened the door and observed that thing as a concrete, dangerous entity, it might become a real monster that killed me.
Like those monsters in a certain wizard movie….
‘Riddikulus! You don’t exist.’
Thinking up an eccentric idea typical of a physicist made me feel a little calmer.
But it seemed the thing had realized I’d seen through it.
As if it no longer had any reason to hide, the sound came from all around me, not just outside the door.
It was no use covering my ears with both hands.
This wasn’t traveling through the medium of air.
It was as if someone were scraping and stirring the very center of my brain with two sticks.
It was a horrible feeling, like being a Hunter who’d been taught the principles of Nen.
Eventually, one voice split into several.
“So-ha.”
“Our daughter. This isn’t your fault.”
It mocked me in my father’s and mother’s voices, then finally turned into Jin Mu-ak’s sneer.
“You worthless piece of trash. A Five-Element Root like you dares to seek the Dao?”
The memory of that day welled up with the smell of blood.
“Does your mother have to bleed again before you come to your senses?”
It was a heart demon.
If a heart demon was nothing more than a shadow growing inside me….
Then it knew my weaknesses.
No, it was an enemy who knew me better than anyone.
“It’s your fault I died.”
Another voice overlaid Mother’s.
“People died because you ran your mouth.”
“Your mother was hurt because you were weak.”
“It’s your fault. It’s all your fault.”
‘I admit it! I admit it. It’s not as though I’m blameless.’
I wasn’t blameless.
If I’d acted a little more cleverly, been a little more careful, or obediently gone along with them, perhaps no one would have died that day.
It was true that my overconfidence and recklessness had sparked the fire.
I wouldn’t deny it.
But that was why I had to get stronger.
So it wouldn’t happen again.
‘I won’t run away. I’ll never forget. I’ll face it.’
Once I drove that conviction into my heart, the voices gradually receded.
Just as I was about to relax, this time a connection from my previous life appeared.
“Hey, Kim Muyeol, you dumbass. What are you doing right now?”
My heart lurched.
I couldn’t believe it.
‘This can’t be real. You—you, why are you here? How?’
The face of my childhood friend, who’d been with me since science high school and even came with me to America, shimmered before my eyes.
“You think you’re the protagonist of some wuxia novel or something? Don’t kid yourself. Slapping a few plausible-sounding words on it doesn’t make pseudoscience valid. You know that better than anyone, so what the hell are you doing?”
He was still looking down at me with that annoying expression.
“You’re a physicist, aren’t you? And you seriously believe in qi? Dantians? Heart demons? True qi? That superstitious crap? This is fucking hilarious.”
Every word he uttered left me breathless.
He was stabbing at the very pillars that made up my existence.
Was I Kim Muyeol? Or Ryu So-ha?
Was I a man or a woman?
Was I a rational scientist, or a child who believed in superstition…?
“You look ridiculous. Sitting here squeaking and pretending to be a girl. Are you gay? You’ve got a decent face, though.”
My friend’s apparition clicked his tongue, speaking in exactly the same tone as always.
“You shouldn’t be here in the first place.”
‘Then where am I supposed to be?’
I nearly said it aloud.
Because, truthfully, I wanted to know where I belonged, too. I’d lived as Ryu So-ha for more than ten years, but sometimes Kim Muyeol’s shadow still clung to my ankles.
The sensations I’d lost, the people I’d never see again, and the hope that everything would be a dream when I opened my eyes one day, even though I’d resigned myself to never going back.
“Muyeol, this is nothing but the Butterfly Dream. You’re lying in a vegetative state in the ICU at Princeton Medical Center.”
‘What? That can’t be.’
It felt as if my mind were growing hazier and hazier under his cajoling.
It wasn’t as if I’d never entertained that delusion. Of course, my wish hadn’t come true.
It seemed he was determined to deceive me somehow.
“Sigh. I’ll show you proof.”
As if he’d noticed my turmoil, he snapped his fingers.
Then the scenery changed.
An unfamiliar hospital room. Beeping machines. An oxygen mask.
And beside them, my mother from my previous life, now grown old, clutched my hand and wept.
“Muyeol…Sob, sob. Muyeol. I’m sorry. It feels like all I ever did was nag you. I won’t tell you to come back to Korea. I won’t say I’ll send you kimchi, so please, open your eyes. If you just lie there like this, how am I supposed to go on living?”
Hearing about it and seeing it with my own eyes were different.
My heart crumbled.
Could I say this was a lie?
In a world where people seriously discussed things like the simulated universe, how could I prove that my current life wasn’t one long dream?
Maybe this was a story like The Cloud Dream of the Nine, where I’d return to my original world the moment I realized something.
“Exactly.”
My friend’s apparition smiled.
“You’ve realized it. Now it’s time to go back.”
‘I haven’t realized anything.’
“You realized what family means.”
“…?!”
“You’ve paid for your sins enough. It’s fine to go back. That’s all.”
“I…I…”
“Come on. Back to where you belong. You need to get that professor title. Hey, how about Caltech? Caltech. Follow Feynman.”
It was a truly sweet offer, wasn’t it?
He reached out to me.
“This might be your last chance to return as Kim Muyeol, with a PhD in physics. Think carefully.”
‘Nonsense. That’s absurd. I gave up ages ago. I won’t believe you. I can’t believe you.’
But the scenery behind him kept shimmering before my eyes.
It felt like I could reach it with just one step.
Like I could return to that place I missed so very much.
His offer was far too appealing and seductive.
I wanted to believe an offer I couldn’t refuse was true.
‘But…there’s no way that could be real.’
But I hugged Father’s note and the ring Mother had lent me.
“Hey, you…?”
‘Yeah, I do miss the time when I was Kim Muyeol.’
Of course I missed it.
But I couldn’t throw away Ryu So-ha’s life now, either.
I had to return the ring Mother had lent me, insisting I give it back.
I also had to show Father, who’d piled up dried meat and heavy jars of water for my seclusion, what a daughter he could be proud of looked like.
These people were my family, too.
I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.
Besides, what was that? I’d paid for my sins?
No.
Not yet.
I hadn’t even flicked Jin Mu-ak on the forehead once.
The apparition’s face twisted in a most satisfying way.
Only then did I realize something for the first time in my second life.
There had never been any need to discard one side of myself in the first place.
I didn’t have to abandon myself.
‘I am me.’
Whether my name was Kim Muyeol or Ryu So-ha.
Whether my body had been male or female.
In essence, I was still me.
At last, I spoke for the first time.
“I am Kim Muyeol, and I am Ryu So-ha.
”
“......”
“
I’m destined to become a genius cultivator who studies physics in this incomprehensible world.”
This place resembled the world of martial arts, but it was undeniably a world of immortals.
So I decided to call this world xianxia.
And I…
A physicist in a xianxia world?
###
The apparition was silent for a long while.
Then he gave a short laugh.
“You’re doing okay, then?”
“More or less.”
“So, are you happy?”
“That depends on how you define happiness……”
“Good grief, you STEM nerd. Just answer me. Are you happy?”
“I’m happy. And I want to be happy, with the people I love and who care about me.”
“Then that’s good enough.”
He lowered his hand.
“That was your last chance, so don’t regret it, okay? You sure you won’t regret it?”
“No, I’ll regret it bitterly.”
“……?”
“The me who regrets it is still me, right? I’ll take even that with me.”
“Why’d your way of talking change so much? Are you gay?”
“I’m not gay. I’m a woman, strictly speaking.”
Laughing loudly, he waved toward the distance and walked away.
“All right. Take care, you bastard. I’m off.”
“Go on. Tell Mom I’m doing fine.”
“You’re nuts. Can’t you see your mother sobbing?”
“I can. But if she knows I’m eating well and living well in another world, she might feel a little better. It’s not like I fell into hell.”
“That’s so you. You know you’re pretty crazy yourself, right?”
“If you didn’t know that, you wouldn’t be my friend.”
“If you ever come back, I’ll write you a recommendation for a professorship.”
“How very generous of you.”
“…Take care.”
“You too.”
And so the apparition scattered in a blinding light.
Was it over?
Just as I thought I could finally focus on training,
Knock, knock, knock.
Something else knocked on the door.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
Even I had reached the limit of my patience.
We’d just wrapped up a successful summit. What now?
Is this the Strait of Hormuz? Do I have to hear another air raid siren?
I shouted irritably.
“Ah! I said I get it! Here we go again? Get lost! I said get lost!”
“……?”
“How many times do I have to say it? I get it, fuck!”
A brief silence.
Someone cleared their throat.
“Ahem, it’s your father.”
My brain stopped for a moment.
“…Huh?”
Mother’s voice cut in, too.
“Our daughter! Mom’s here, too. But ‘get lost’? Your language has gotten pretty rough. Have you been possessed by a heart demon?”
This was real. My real parents.
‘Then I have to explain!’
“Ahaha…Mom. Um…about what I just said!”
From a little farther away, I heard the two of them whispering.
“Something’s wrong, Madam.”
“What is it?”
“Madam, our daughter swore. She used a vulgar curse word I’ve never heard in my life.”
“Did she? She did shout in a fit of rage.”
“She definitely said ‘fuck.’ She said it in that rough way those lowlifes in the marketplace do. So-ha couldn’t possibly know a word like that.”
“Hmm……now that you mention it, you’re right.”
Hello?
I can hear you just fine.
‘Even Mom’s agreeing with him. This is so embarrassing. And now they’ve caught me acting in a way I’ve never shown them before. What do I do?’
Father’s deductions grew more and more extreme.
“Maybe that isn’t So-ha at all.”
“Now that you mention it, you have a point. What do we do? Could something have happened to So-ha?”
“It can’t be helped. We have to tear off the talisman.”
If I didn’t explain myself properly, my seclusion would be forcibly terminated right then and there.
“I-I was tormented by a heart demon!”
“…Don’t be fooled, Madam. That isn’t So-ha! It’s trying to stop us from rescuing her.”
“That’s not it!!! I am So-ha! I was tormented so much by a heart demon imitating you and Father that I ended up…uttering vulgar curses. I’m terribly ashamed right now, so please let me be alone!”
“You wretch!!! Get out of our So-ha’s body!”
Father shouted furiously without listening to a word.
“A ghost like you couldn’t possibly know our daughter never swears. So give her back right now…”
“So-ha! It’s Mom! So-ha! Answer me. I’m coming in!”
“Please…please! I’m still in seclusion, aren’t I? It would be terribly inconvenient if you did this already. I have to stay here for another seven days…”
“I think it really is So-ha.”
Father remained suspicious to the very end.
“No, Madam, you’re being deceived. My eyes and ears can never be fooled.”
“Hmm…Then how about this, dear?”
“Have you thought of a solution?”
“Why don’t we ask a question only our So-ha would know?”
“Oh, that’s a good idea. Let’s do that.”
“So-ha. Mom’s going to ask you a question. If you don’t answer by the time I count to three, we’ll have no choice but to give up on your seclusion. Please understand.”
“Yes, I will answer anything you ask.”
“Then…here’s the question!”
‘What should I ask? They said they’d read my diary, so maybe something from there? Or math? I have no idea what’ll be on this pop quiz.’
The question was completely unexpected.
“How many moles does our So-ha have, and where are they? Three!”
‘Aaaagh! Why would you ask me that of all things…!’
But it was rather fitting.
There was no way to inspect my whole body in such a ridiculously short time, so it was definitely a question only I could answer.
“Two!”
“I have one on my butt, and another on my chest.”
“Hmm…Precisely where on your chest?”
“Mother…?”
Why was I suddenly overcome with a woman’s sense of shame?
I mean, they were the parents who gave birth to me.
“Three!”
Since she was counting down, I had no choice.
“One on my left buttock…and one beneath my right breast.”
“It’s our daughter.”
“Madam, then…that vulgar curse…”
“See? I told you not to swear in front of the children.”
Thump—
I heard Dad drop to his knees in utter despair.
“Was it because of me? Truly?”
“Maybe? Was it, daughter?”
‘Sorry, Dad. I’ll borrow your name just this once.’
“It is said that a child is a mirror of their parents.”
“That’s what they say, dear.”
“How am I supposed to live with her picking up even that from this useless father?”
“It’s okay to swear. What’s the big deal?”
“I never thought I’d hear So-ha swear…”
“Hey~~~ So-ha!”
“Yes, Mother? What is it?”
“Listen carefully.”
‘To what?’
Mother suddenly shouted in a loud voice.
“So what if you’re an immortal? You son of a b—!”
“…?”
“……!”
The shock left me speechless.
‘Mother knew how to swear?’
The person in question looked completely unfazed, even triumphant.
“Ah, that felt so good. See? Mom can swear, too! So it’s fine! But you mustn’t do it in front of other people. Got it?”
Still reeling from the shock, I managed to answer.
“Y-yes, Mother. I’ll remember.”
“Dear, that’s enough. Let’s go and stop disturbing So-ha.”
“Wait, Madam. Look at this. So-ha! Did you read the note your father left?”
“Yes! Of course. Thank you for preparing everything.”
“Don’t go hungry!”
“Yes!”
“And don’t ration your water! Call us right away if anything happens!”
“Okay!”
“Dear, you’ll wake the neighbors. Let’s go.”
I heard Mother drag Father away, their voices growing farther and farther away.
After all that commotion, peace finally returned to the detached building.
The problem was that even the sensation of spiritual qi had disappeared.
Maybe it had been beginner’s luck.
Two days passed after that, but I made no progress.
I wasted my time without advancing in my training.
‘At this level, sleeping is a luxury.’
So I decided to grit my teeth and endure even harder.
It was a rather naive calculation: that training would be like studying, where the more time you spent sitting down, the better you’d do.
Whenever sleepiness overwhelmed me, I repeatedly poured cold water over myself with a dipper.
Soaked from head to toe, I sat cross-legged and struggled to sense even the Water Qi that had first approached me.
But like trying to grasp sand in my hand, the more I chased it, the more it scattered and seemed to move farther away.
Each time, I encouraged myself.
The path to becoming an immortal couldn’t possibly be easy.
But only after I spent the day chatting and laughing with my parents, with nothing to show for it, did I realize I might be overlooking something important.
‘There’s no answer in blindly repeating that I have to empty my mind and sense spiritual qi.’
It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying hard enough.
Maybe the methodology itself was wrong from the start.
At times like this, I had to start with what I was best at.
What I needed now wasn’t grit. It was a physicist’s way of thinking.
I jumped to my feet and taped sheets of paper together, spreading them out wide.
I began looking for a more systematic and scientific way to detect spiritual qi.
“In the end, I just need to make a spiritual qi detector, right?”
Of course, my body was the only experimental equipment I had!
After wrestling with it for several shichen,
I finally found a way forward.
‘Cultivation…maybe it’s easy when you get right down to it?’
Hehe! My talent.
Scary. I’m scary.
