Facing Reality

After breakfast, since yesterday hadn't really felt like a party, I decided to watch something and create a proper party atmosphere.

"Un...n"

Thinking about it, hadn't I gotten used to this form of address far too quickly? No matter how well Jiyeon had treated me, I knew I couldn't call an older woman 'nuna' now—and that doing so could cause a serious misunderstanding. I hadn't even been a woman for a week, yet I'd started using that form of address far too quickly. Had I said it because I'd been swept up in yesterday's atmosphere? Or was it the effect of the hormones that had changed along with my body?

"Yeah, what's wrong, Jia?"

"..."

My mouth wouldn't open. For an ordinary person, failing to adapt and struggling when something like this happened would have been normal. But I hadn't really shown any such symptoms. I was having a hard time, but I'd gone shopping with Jiyeon, tried on clothes one by one, and bought a mountain of them. If there was anything different about me, perhaps that was it. Before I could even realize that I'd truly become a woman, I'd already gone through something that let me get used to a woman's body before I was discharged and even before I returned home.

"Jia? Are you okay?"

Jiyeon... unnie waved a hand in front of my eyes. She was probably telling me to snap out of it. But perhaps because I'd started thinking about the strange parts of my behavior, I couldn't even blink. My body wouldn't move. The only thought endlessly churning through my head was, Why am I acting like this? Was I actually mentally ill? Was my memory of serving in the military just something I'd imagined, and had I really been a woman who went around disguised as a man? Of course, even that made no sense. Unless I was talking about elementary school, it would have been impossible to disguise myself as a boy after puberty began in middle school. Then if I wasn't a woman disguised as a man, what was I? Had the person who'd been ill actually died, while the person breathing now had somehow possessed another woman's body???

"Jia..."

Jiyeon unnie hugged me tightly. Hot tears flowed from my eyes. I wanted to deny that they were tears, but I'd already cried several times before, and the only thing that flowed from my eyes was tears, so this hot liquid must have been tears too. Ah, I think I'm only realizing it now. Yesterday, I'd even showered with unnie, but at the time I'd let it pass without thinking much about it. After sleeping and waking with a clear head, I finally felt the reality of it.

"It's okay, Jia. There's nothing strange about you. You're Jia. You're no one else."

"...Yes..."

"Have you calmed down now?"

I nodded. There had been hormonal and physical changes, but I was awake, breathing, and if I put my hand to my chest, my heart was beating... I couldn't feel it because my breasts were too large, but when I put my hand to my neck, I could feel blood flowing, almost like a heartbeat. Thump, thump. The metaphor was a little strange, but either way, I wasn't dead, I wasn't dreaming, and I wasn't watching a VR video.

I added a little pressure with the hand gripping my neck. Then I felt someone exert force and pull my hand away.

"Jia, are you sure you've calmed down?"

"...Yes, I am. I just wanted to know for a moment whether this was a dream or reality."

"Then you could have asked me to pinch your cheek. Don't do something... bad like that."

Jiyeon unnie's eyes were red, as if she were about to cry at any moment. A nurse must have experienced plenty of shocking things, yet even her eyes were filling with tears. I really must have done something shocking and terrible. I told her everything I'd just been thinking: that only now had I realized this was my body, and that I'd been denying reality. I told her I'd wondered whether I'd never really been a man, and whether even my memories of serving in the military were strange memories I'd created for myself after living as a woman disguised as a man. But those memories were too vivid. It was time to stop denying reality. I'd already lost my closest friend forever; I didn't have time to struggle over something like this now.

"Hehe, I'm sorry. Should we watch something?"

"Sure. Shall we watch a movie?"

"We don't have a TV, but I'll turn on the computer."

We put on a popular action movie. The company that made it had gone off the rails by forcing strange beliefs on its audience, but the movies it had released before that were fairly watchable. One popular actor's appearance fee had been absolutely enormous, too. After watching one movie, there wasn't much time left before lunch, so we decided to watch a little animation.

"You watch anime too, unnie?"

"Yeah. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of videos reviewing anime on Dibib's main page, and watching them made me a little interested in anime."

"Ah~ I see. It really does show up a lot on the main page these days."

While eating the snacks left over from yesterday and watching anime with unnie, I checked the clock and saw that it was almost lunchtime. Unnie had said, 'I'm bored when I go home because I'm alone. Should I stay through dinner today?' So I probably should have treated her to both lunch and dinner, but I decided to grant her request that we dress up nicely and go out for lunch. Since she'd already cooked breakfast for me, I could certainly accommodate such a simple request.

"Let's just have a simple lunch and stop by a café. We can eat dinner in the warm house."

"Yes, I'll go change clothes."

Since the weather was cold, pants and a hoodie should be warm enough with a padded jacket over them. It was winter anyway, so we wouldn't be eating anything cold; we'd be having hot food, which should warm me up enough. We were also going to a café, so wearing clothes that were too thick would probably be uncomfortable.

"Oh, but do you have enough clothes, unnie?"

"I came planning to stay through Saturday from the beginning, so I brought some extra clothes."

"That's a relief."

Perhaps because she'd anticipated that my size had changed so much that I wouldn't have anything to wear at home, Jiyeon unnie had even brought pajamas for me. She really was a kind person. I took off the pajamas and put on pants. I'd bought them in the right size, but my hips were apparently so large that they caught a little when I put them on. I felt too bare in just a bra, so I put on a tank top. It was small and thin, and pulling it on over my breasts made it easier to put on. The real problem was the hoodie. It was fairly thick for wearing in cold weather, so when I first put my head through the neck, it caught on my breasts, and I had to grunt and tug it down. Haa... Maybe because I had so much body fat, but I already felt a little hot.

Fortunately, I'd tried on each item when I bought my clothes, so none of them puffed out around my breasts and made me look fatter. Instead, they fit tightly and were a little suffocating. Then again, wearing loose clothes over breasts this large would look strange too. Wouldn't I look pretty obese? Considering that it was cold enough to require a padded jacket over this, I felt like my chest would start sweating once I walked around in it. 'Wait a second, if breasts are really this large, won't walking around in a padded jacket during winter make me overheat...!' I couldn't yet imagine just how hot it would get, but thinking about heat building up inside my clothes around my breasts made me feel... exhausted already.

"I'm all dressed!"

"Oh, Jia, you're all dressed? Wait just a little longer."

Ah~ So she was putting on makeup. Even if they had no one they wanted to look good for, most people put so much effort into getting ready that they even applied makeup on buses and subways, so I could understand it. But did Jiyeon unnie really need to put in that much effort...? Since we'd said we were going to a café, perhaps she was conscious of the eyes of the other women there.

"How do I look, Jia? Am I pretty?"

"Yes, unnie. You're absolutely gorgeous!"

"Come here too."

"Me?"

"I'll just put on a little basic makeup."

"My face too?"

"You have a pretty face that doesn't need makeup, but if you don't take care of it consistently, you'll regret it later."

I sat in front of the mirror and let Jiyeon unnie apply a little makeup. Wow... Even though she'd only applied a little, I looked prettier. Jiyeon unnie was pretty even without makeup, but she said I'd get used to doing this much. After finishing my makeup too, I took her hand and went out to find a restaurant near our home. We'd had stew for breakfast, and it seemed too early to grill meat, so... what should we eat?

"Jia, shall we get Chinese food?"

"Jajangmyeon, jjampong, and tangsuyuk?"

"Yes, those."

"Sounds good!"

Jiyeon unnie said she was craving something spicy and ordered jjampong, while I ordered ganjajang. We ordered a small serving of tangsuyuk, since a medium serving seemed impossible for my shrunken stomach. I hadn't eaten a particularly small breakfast, but I was feeling a bit hungry. I thought I'd eaten a decent amount, but I suppose there was nothing I could do if my overall capacity had shrunk. A little while later, all our dishes arrived, and we picked up our chopsticks, mouths watering.

"This place is pretty good."

"Right? I come here whenever I crave Chinese food."

I eagerly worked my chopsticks, eating heartily with the tangsuyuk. Jajangmyeon and tangsuyuk tasted good no matter when I ate them. Aside from the fact that Chinese food was generally heavy on oil, it seemed like something worth eating about once a week.

"? Unnie, aren't you going to eat more?"

"Oh, I should eat. You were just so cute, munching away like that, Jia."

"I-I wasn't deliberately trying to act cute while eating..."

Unnie must have liked me a lot. She was even saying such embarrassing things in public. No, I should call it a compliment, right? Anyway, hearing it made me feel good too. After we both ate until we were full, I paid the bill. Unnie had offered to pay, but I'd felt bad making her buy lunch after she'd bought the breakfast ingredients and cooked for me, so I paid.

"All right, then I'll buy the café drinks. I'll show you a delicious combination."

"Yes!"

Thinking about it, ganjajang and a small serving of tangsuyuk hadn't made the two of us feel all that full when we'd shared them, but today I was extremely stuffed. I'd wondered the same thing after eating lunch and dessert at the food court last time: Did people really have a separate dessert stomach? Even when I'd eaten until I was quite satisfied, dessert had gone down easily. I wondered if it would be the same this time as I headed toward a nearby café with Jiyeon unnie.

We entered the café and ordered coffee rather than sweet drinks this time. I remembered nearly regretting ordering a sweet drink with dessert the last time, so I chose a hot Americano, while unnie ordered an iced Americano and various desserts. The weather seemed a little cold; would she really be okay with a cold drink...?

"Whoa, there's more dessert here than I expected. I'm a little full..."

I said this, looking a little surprised at the order.

"It's fine. Even if you eat a lot of food, dessert goes in a separate stomach! Hahaha."

"I-Is that so...? I'm still not sure."

"Well, you're still in the adjustment period. You'll realize it too after some time passes."

I was still full and only sipped my Americano little by little, but after a while, I thought, '...I really can eat this, can't I?'

"I feel happy eating something sweet too, unnie~"

"Don't you?~"

I said this while eating a little dessert at a time. After waiting a little before eating, the dessert really did go down...? What was this, some kind of mystery of the human body? It went down surprisingly well. Of course, after eating one piece, I became so full that I could barely finish my Americano, so I couldn't eat any more.

"Unnie, there's something I'm curious about."

"Hmm? What is it?"

"What about my legal identity? Will it be all right as it is?"

"Your resident registration number and name will change, but unless someone specifically tells them, your family probably won't find out either."

"I don't want to tell my family about my current state. I've been living alone for a while, so they probably won't worry too much even if I don't contact them for a long time, but... the holidays..."

"That's true. Unless you completely sever ties and disappear, your family relationships will remain, so it would be a little strange not to visit during the holidays."

"I've decided to forget the past and move forward, so I wonder if it might be better to sever my family ties too..."

Of course, I would let them know that I was alive. I would tell them by text, so they might not believe me... But I simply didn't have the courage to meet my family looking like this. If one of my family members—someone I knew well—suddenly changed sex, I wouldn't want to meet them either. Unless we were truly close, I wouldn't have the courage. But wouldn't announcing such a farewell hurt my family? That frightened me a little. If I was going to hurt them whether I told them about myself or not, then I wouldn't show them my shocking appearance as I was now. Yes, that would be for the best.

"It won't be too late to talk it over with Minsu on Monday, so forget about that for today and play with me."

"Yes, I understand."

We talked leisurely for about another thirty minutes before returning home. It was a little embarrassing to be outside the hospital—and especially to be in the home I'd lived in—with a new acquaintance (since I hadn't finished tidying up), but spending time with a good person naturally put me in a good mood. After chatting about this and that, we decided to have something light from a fast-food restaurant for dinner.

"Let's choose one of three: hamburgers, chicken, or pizza."

"You mean the three fast-food options?"

"What do you like, Jia?"

"Hmm... Chicken is inconvenient because I have to pick the meat off the bones, so I prefer hamburgers and pizza."

"Really? I like all three! Of course, I can't eat them often when I think about the calories."

"That's true too. Pizza seems better when there are more people, so how about hamburgers?"

"Hamburgers sound good! Which place should we order from?"

There were countless hamburger brands: M Burger, B Burger, L Burger, F Burger, K Burger, O Burger, N Burger... Quite a few new burger brands had appeared recently, so burgers had become an oversaturated market too. And it wasn't just the big brands; there were also plenty of privately run handmade burger shops. M Burger's reputation had plummeted after it became notorious for always serving portions 10 percent lighter, while O Burger's famous chicken burger seemed to have gotten a smaller patty. (I didn't eat it often in the first place because there wasn't one near my home.) At times like this, you had to consider value for money and portion size. B Burger offered a fairly large amount if you were willing to pay a lot, while L Burger had been reevaluated because it seemed to hold steady while the quality of the other burgers declined.

"Which burger place do you like, unnie?"

"Hmm~ For something safe, probably B, L, or O Burger."

"Then I'll order L Burger!"

We ordered the popular menu items to share, and when it got late, I saw Jiyeon unnie off as she headed home.

"Jia, you should start your period in three or four weeks, judging by the date. If there's anything you're unsure about, make sure to contact me, okay?"

"Um... yes..."

"You know you shouldn't just endure it because you're embarrassed, right? When it starts, wash yourself well and use sanitary pads, okay?"

"Yes... I understand. It's so embarrassing, so you can stop now, ugh..."

"Okay, okay~ Unnie's going now~"

"Goodbye~"

*

"Phew..."

After seeing unnie off, I was alone in the house again. Looking at the place that had become quiet like before, I fell into thought. I should finish organizing, but where should I start? For a one-person household, it was fairly large, with two rooms and one bathroom. If I was going to cut ties with my family, wouldn't it be better to move too? Thinking of Hyunwoo, who had come all the way to my door, perhaps my family might come looking for me as well...

"Ughhh... My head hurts! Haa... I should start by putting away the clothes, right?"

Even if it was a used-clothes collection bin, would underwear be inappropriate...? I could throw the underwear away as waste and put only the pants and other clothes in the collection bin. I'd even considered donating them, but a woman donating men's clothes would look like a strange person to anyone who saw her... Ah, whatever. I'd just gather them up and put them in the collection bin. I piled up the clothes and put them in the used-clothes bin near my home, then was startled on my way back.

My parents were coming out of the building where I lived, looking at their phones. !!! This was bad. I shouldn't have said something that practically raised the flag that they might come looking for me! I hurriedly turned off my phone and headed home with an expression of forced calm.

'The weather is freezing, but going straight inside would be difficult too. If I loiter around on the street, I'll look suspicious...'

Still, I had to go home... It was so cold. Ugh...

"Excuse me."

"Yes, yes?? Me?"

"I was wondering if you lived in this building."

"Ah, I do live here. Is something wrong?"

"Our son got sick and was hospitalized, but we heard he'd been discharged, so we came to his apartment. But he isn't here."

"Ah... I see..."

I hadn't wanted this. I hadn't wanted to meet them... But now that I had, I felt tears welling up for some reason. My chest grew hot, and my emotions surged. No, no, no, I couldn't cry... I couldn't let the tears fall either. Even if they didn't recognize me, they'd think I was strange. I couldn't let them misunderstand and think, 'She started crying while we were talking about Jihoon, so she must be a woman who knows him.'

"His name is Jihoon... You don't know him, do you?"

"Ah, no... I don't know him either."

"I see. Thank you for letting me know. Then we'll be going."

"Yes... Goodbye."

Clutching my pounding chest, I entered the building and looked at the mirror on the first floor. There, I came face-to-face with a woman who was crying.

"Ah... Ahhh..."

Unable to suppress the sorrow rising from my chest, I sank down and began to cry.

"Haa... Aaaah! Sob, why me, why me... Hic, why me... Hic, I'm sorry, I won't ever... Never again... Sob, waaaah..."

"Um, excuse me... Is something wrong?"

"!! Ah, um... Th-that is... Sob, I'm sorry... hic, it's just that something bad happened..."

"I know things must be difficult, but you should calm down and go inside. It's late, too..."

"Yes, I'm sorry. Sniff, haa..."

Perhaps because I was embarrassed, I managed to calm down somewhat.

"I'm sorry for causing a commotion..."

I bowed and apologized to the man, then walked upstairs to my home... with the letter that had been in my mailbox.