Chapter 28
It was in the otherworld that I learned to drink.
I was the poster child for a missing mother and dead father, and I'd spent three years living under professors who treated graduate students like foot-rags. There was no way I could avoid drinking. That fucking Yerna was a heavy drinker too.
Though I learned to drink late, I was fairly confident in my capacity for alcohol.
But what exactly does “capacity for alcohol” mean here?
For ordinary people with normal ways of thinking, it refers to the limit they can handle before getting so drunk that they lose consciousness.
But whenever I discussed my capacity for alcohol, I used to insist that “the amount I drank last time before nearly dying” was my capacity. Just like every man on Earth bragged about how much he could drink.
In other words, since I passed out after three and a half 2,000-cc beer mugs in the otherworld, my capacity was about 7,000 cc. Rounding up, call it roughly 10,000 cc, and with beer bottles holding around 500 to 600 ml, that was a whopping twenty bottles of beer.
Pretty fucking impressive, right? If you thought about it rationally, the amount needed to wreck my liver wasn't anything to brag about, but I was rather proud of it.
“Holy shit.”
But fuck, this liquor was obviously no joke. I was horrified when I received the distilled spirit that Frang had passed out after drinking on her first day at this inn.
Frang seemed to have wanted to commemorate her arrival in Sargadis. It was a fairly expensive-looking glass bottle. From the perspective of Britannian commoners, who covered their windows with leather, liquor bottles were rarely made of glass.
Its glass was not very clear, so by modern Kang Buk-ho's standards it looked cloudy, but the otherworldly macho Nord was secretly terrified that it might break.
And in the otherworld, distilled liquor kept in a glass bottle like this meant potent liquor with an insanely high proof.
“My husband and I are pretty heavy drinkers, you know? But we can't handle three glasses of that ‘Apkadi.’”
That was what the innkeeper said.
Fuck, the name of this liquor was terrifying. Apkadi. Since it couldn't be translated, it was probably a proper noun, but the sound already felt like something belonging to a demon or vampire.
I would definitely become a drunk zombie who sprawled on the floor like dog food and crawled around going, Gweeeaaagh, after drinking just half the bottle.
‘No, fuck, can you even count this as one drink?’
On the way up to the inn room, I opened it slightly and smelled it. This was practically hand sanitizer or medical alcohol.
Fuck, it would certainly disinfect things well. If you forced someone to drink it, it would also be perfect for sending them across the rainbow bridge, so it would work well as a murder weapon too.
Creeeak─.
I entered Frang's room at the inn.
She was sitting on the bed and working on the robe I would wear. Seen from a distance, her slender proportions made her look remarkably mature. She looked like a young mother doing sewing work from home as a side job.
But if that was the case, what did that make me, coming back to the room with expensive liquor? I felt horribly uncomfortable, as if I'd become some human-trash domestic abuser despite having done nothing wrong.
Frang spotted me at the sound of the door opening and spoke.
“Ah, Nord. You're back?”
“Yeah. More importantly, how long has it been since you hurt your hand that you're already sewing?”
“What's the big deal? I stopped the bleeding, so no blood will get on it.”
“Of course you did.”
I sighed and set down the distilled spirit, Apkadi. Frang flinched when she saw the bottle I had brought.
“Th-that liquor, could it be…?”
“It's the one you passed out after drinking. I brought it for disinfecting, so give me your hand.”
I poured a little liquor onto the cloth I'd used earlier and brought it over. This time, Frang obediently held out her hand. I gently covered the wound with the wet cloth.
When the liquor-soaked cloth touched the wound, Frang was startled.
“Kyaaaang!”
“Does it hurt? Hang in there just a little longer.”
“Gnnngh…!!”
Frang stamped her feet. They made a knocking sound against the wooden floor. More importantly, these fucking incredible breasts kept stealing men's eyes without pause. Please stop shaking. The feeling of my dick-anaconda standing up was too creepy.
‘Earth's warrior Vector Men, lend me your strength!’
I summoned superhuman mental strength and held out without falling into the swaying, sumptuous valley. Then I removed the cloth from Frang's finger.
“There. Disinfection complete.”
“Huff, huff, huff…!”
Frang trembled, a few tears welling in her eyes. It was only natural that it hurt when I applied a distilled spirit that was dangerous just to smell to her wound. It was practically pure otherworldly Albochil.
“Give me your hand. Let's rinse it with water one last time.”
“A-again?”
“Hey. Don't pull away. This is the last time.”
I rinsed it with water to remove any liquor that might have remained. Finally, I tore off a little of the edge of the cloth, tied it around the wound, and finished. Now I could relax.
“Ugh. Nord, you're so full of needless worries. You were the one who said we should live doing only what we want.”
Holding her finger, Frang said that. I snorted and sat down on the only chair in the room.
“Then you should take better care of your body. If you want to live happily, shouldn't you start by keeping your body healthy?”
“You sure know how to talk.”
Frang seemed sulky. While watching her with a smile, I wiped the needle with the alcohol-soaked cloth and thought about something else.
‘Should I learn some magic besides Beast Regression?’
I realized it anew every time something like this happened. In an otherworld where magic served as a catch-all for technological advancement, whether or not one could use magic made a huge difference.
If I could use fire magic, I would have heated the needle beforehand to disinfect it. Fuck, I wouldn't have shivered in the cold at those damn ruins either; I could have started a campfire with magic.
Glug glug glug glug─.
That was when it happened. While I was distracted cleaning the needle, Frang took out a cup from somewhere and poured the distilled spirit into it. I was startled and shouted.
“Hey! Why are you pouring that?!”
“Huh? Didn't you bring it to drink?”
“If I meant to drink it, I would've brought glasses too! I told you I brought it for disinfecting!”
Fuck, did she think I was insane enough to drink something that looked like industrial alcohol with synthetic flavoring mixed into it? The innkeeper had said that distilled spirit was all she had, so I hadn't had any other choice.
The claim that this was the only distilled spirit she had obviously sounded like a fucking lie, but she wasn't someone I could beat in an argument─if the owner said she wouldn't sell me any, what could I do?─so I'd simply given up and brought this back.
“Forget it and give it here. You couldn't even handle one glass, remember?”
I approached Frang to stop her, but instantly realized I'd misspoken. As expected, Frang bristled at my words, picked up the cup, and retreated backward.
“I can drink it! The first time, it was because I was… tired from traveling! Here, watch!”
After boldly shouting that, Frang downed the cupful of liquor in a wooden cup the size of a mug.
Oh, fuck, holy shit. A long time ago, I'd seen a NewTuber pass out after downing ten shots of Spiritus in a row, and the scene was now overlapping with what I was seeing.
Gulp, gulp!
──Clack!
“Pfooah!”
Frang exhaled a sweet-smelling breath and wiped her lips. For a moment, I wondered whether she was really okay, since she looked better than expected.
Tremble.
Trrrrr.
“Hey, your legs! Your legs!”
“Eh?”
Frang's legs, which were braced against the table, were trembling violently! Her small, innocent-looking face gradually turned red, like a frozen flower crab placed in boiling water.
Oh, fuck. It wasn't acute alcohol poisoning, was it? Worried again, I rushed to her side, but Frang slapped her own thigh.
Smack!!
After hitting her leg hard enough to make that loud a sound and stopping the trembling, Frang stood proudly with her arms crossed beneath her breasts.
“I fine!”
“No, you look like the exact opposite of fine.”
Her tongue was so twisted she couldn't even pronounce things properly, yet she was still putting on a show. I had no idea what to do with Frang, whose head had gone haywire after one glass of Apkadi.
Glug glug glug glug─.
In the meantime, Frang picked up the Apkadi again. Despite her hands trembling, she filled a second glass to the brim with the persistence of a tremor-riddled old man searching for a porn site.
“You're going to drink again?”
“Nooo….”
What was she, a cat in heat? While I was stunned by her adorable way of coming at me without warning, Frang finished pouring the liquor and thrust the glass toward me.
“Here!”
What did ‘Here’ mean in this context?
Did she mean I should drink and go to sleep?
I recoiled from the fiery scent of the Apkadi thrust toward me. Fuck, it felt like the smell of alcohol was reaching all the way into my brain! I covered my nose with the back of my hand and retreated three steps.
“Hey! The smell is insane, so don't hold it out toward me!”
“Huh? Frang smells…?”
“Not you. The liquor. The liquor.”
Frang buried her nose in her own arm and sniffed. While she was distracted, I quickly took the Apkadi bottle and put the stopper back on it.
“This is over. Don't drink any more. No matter how I think about it, this isn't liquor. Put this in a flask containing microorganisms, shake it a few times, and it would be safe enough to drink without getting sick.”
“No drinky…? I see….”
The dejected Frang drooped her shoulders and brought the glass in her hand to her mouth─no, fuck, why were you drinking it again?
“Hey, stop! That's yucky, yucky. Give it here.”
Whoosh!
I snatched the glass from Frang's hand. She looked at me as though expecting something, as if to say, You're going to drink it, right?
“…Tsk.”
It was impossible to have a logical conversation with a drunk. Knowing that all too well, I decided to drink just one sip.
──Gulp.
“─Bleeaagh.”
It felt as though my tongue were burning! The instant I swallowed a sip, I pulled my mouth away from the cup.
She downed that in one shot? Was her stomach all right? If I drank the whole thing, it felt like I'd be vomiting until morning right there.
“…Noru, can't drink?”
“…Noru, can't drink?”
Frang said it with a pitying expression. The look on her face made it seem as if she thought I was living while missing out on half of life, and I felt a surge of irritation. What was she talking about when she'd short-circuited after one drink and was only holding out on spinal-reflex autopilot?
“I know how to drink. And who are you calling Noru? Do I look like a roe deer?”
“Dunno…. If you won't drink, give it to me.”
When she said that and reached for the glass, I quickly raised it high. How dare someone under 160 centimeters tall challenge Nord, who was over 180 centimeters, to a height contest.
“Tsk. Don't drink any more than that. At this rate, you won't be able to go to work tomorrow.”
“I don't wanna. I wanna drink…. The innkeeper lady won't give me any. She said not to drink, so I couldn't drink….”
“The innkeeper was right to do that.”
Maybe the innkeeper had decided not to sell it after seeing what it did to Frang.
The innkeeper was a kinder person than I'd expected. Plenty of otherworldly merchants would even gouge someone trying to die by drinking pesticide, telling them to hand over the money they had left since they were going anyway.
“If Nord won't drink, I'll drink it….”
“No. I'm not giving it to you. Go away.”
As befitted a drunk, she didn't listen to a word I said. I backed away as Frang approached. But before I could think about what to do, my back hit the wall.
“Nordu….”
Frang, her mind addled by alcohol, pressed herself against me. Then she rose onto her tiptoes and reached for the glass I held up high.
Naturally, a height difference like that wasn't something she could overcome so easily─but she had exactly one weapon that could overcome a thirty-centimeter difference in height.
No, she had two.
─Rub, rub.
─Two enormous masses pressed against my lower body.
The sensation was completely different from last time, when leather armor and underclothes had packed them as tightly as Korean snack bags. Fuck, apparently they'd been vacuum-packed rather than merely overpackaged!
“Gyaaagh!”
I shouted in horror.
There was roughly a thirty-centimeter difference in height between us. And Frang's crown, as she stood nestled against me, was currently around my solar plexus.
If her crown was at my solar plexus, her shoulders were around my navel, which meant─Frang's ridiculously huge breasts had gently covered my dick!
I was fucked! At this rate, the dick-anaconda sleeping in the canyon between my thighs would wake up!
“F-fuck!”
My body trembled, so I emptied my mind and downed the liquor in my hand. I thought Frang would give up only after the liquor disappeared from the glass.
Gulp, gulp! Ghuuulp… gulp!!!
I nearly spewed it starting with the second gulp. So I used the esophagus-opening drinking technique I'd learned as a graduate student to empty the glass completely!!
Only then could I scream!!
“Gyaaaaaaaaaaagh!!! Gyah!! (It hurts!!) Gyah!! (It hurts!!)”
I became an ancient brat and shrieked!
It hurts!! Forget being drunk or whatever, my throat just fucking hurt!!
─Modern chemistry tells us that the hydroxyl group present in alcohol molecules has a tendency to bond easily with water.
The reason high-proof liquor feels hot as it passes through the esophagus is that this functional group forms hydrogen bonds with the body's water and generates heat. At least, that's what I learned.
But humans are fucking stupid organisms. I had paid exorbitant university tuition to learn that, yet I couldn't feel it at all until I experienced it with my own body!
“Ptooey, fuck, fuck!!”
Having experienced that goddamn chemical reaction firsthand, I had no choice but to scream!
My throat felt itchy, as if someone had poured boiling water inside it!! I could practically feel my gastric juices curling up like a rhinoceros beetle doused in hydrochloric acid!
“Hehe. You drank.”
Frang pressed against me and rubbed her face against mine. Her soft-looking cheeks were extremely alluring, but I was so busy suffering from an esophagus that wanted to die and a dick that wanted to die of pleasure that I could barely even control my own body.
Sway─.
My body, having reached its limit, tilted! Fuck! No matter what, falling on top of Frang here would be such a clichéd development!
So I twisted my body with the last of my strength.
“Kiyoooooooot!!”
Thud!!
“Guek.”
“Kya♥”
I made a voice like a frog being stepped on, while Frang seemed delighted. This inn room contained every kind of chaos, destruction, and oblivion that alcohol could bring to a human being.
“Gnnngh…. Khuaaagh….”
I caught my breath while enduring the pain in the back of my head. Falling onto the floor had made it hurt enough to drive me fucking insane.
But lying down gave my head a little room to breathe. I thought of a way to break out of this situation. It felt as though lightning had struck inside my head.
People who handled mana became stronger because the mana within their bodies increased the functions of their organs. That even trained abilities that were difficult to improve through exercise, such as eyesight.
Then what about the liver?
If I used mana properly, couldn't I strengthen the liver's ability to produce alcohol-degrading enzymes? With that thought, I closed my eyes and activated the mana catheters throughout my body. I tried to concentrate the mana flowing through my body in my liver.
─Squish.
But fuck, I felt a strange sensation.
I opened my eyes slightly and looked for the source of the odd sensation. Frang was straddling my body and looking down at me.
“…Nord.”
It was a voice calling to me longingly. At that voice, I understood a hundred times over how men felt when they were hooked by feminine wiles. I understood perfectly why men were bewitched by female spies and succubi.
It wasn't merely because our skin was touching. The scent wafting from her, her heated breathing, and her pounding heart were enough to make a person's reason evaporate.
Humans were fucking hormonal creatures from birth. Unless one was a eunuch or gay, it was impossible to have one's body pressed against a woman and feel nothing.
Naturally, I was neither a eunuch nor gay. In a situation like this, I was a healthy adult man whose dick inevitably sprang to full attention.
“…Fuck, seriously.”
Slide─.
I reached out and touched Frang's cheek. She acted as though it tickled, but rubbed her cheek against my hand.
The truth was, I'd noticed too.
Opening the window and sticking her face out during her bath, calling me into the room with wet hair, drinking in a sealed room with only the two of us─there was so much circumstantial evidence that only a fucking idiot wouldn't have known.
And yet I'd pretended not to know until the very end because─fuck, this goddamn anaconda dick. What else could I ask about?
The penis affected by Beast Regression was honestly too large, even for a large penis. I didn't even know why it had become a +18 legendary dick in the first place. I had been reluctant to go through with it while in this inexplicable state.
“Nord… you smell good….”
But a guy who made excuses and bolted at this point wasn't a macho man, or even a man. Someone like that would be better off cutting off his dick and biting his tongue.
I met Frang's eyes as she buried her face in my chest.
No more mood-killing conversation was necessary.