What I Truly Want (2)

At Gyeoul's call, breaking the awkward silence, I answered at once.

"Sure."

Gyeoul let out a snort at how quickly the answer came out.

Well, we were both grown adults and had even had our wedding ceremony, yet I was so stiff just because we were about to spend our first night together. I probably did look ridiculous.

I was twenty-two, and Gyeoul had just turned twenty this year, yet now that the mat had been laid out for us, I was frozen stiff like an idiot.

Still, Gyeoul's smile eased the tension in the room a little.

Right, after our first time together tonight, this would be something we'd keep doing regularly from now on. Even if I was a total novice at this, I couldn't stay this rigid.

A man had to put on a little swagger and act like he knew what he was doing sometimes.

For example, right now, on the eve of my first night with the woman I love.

"Are you feeling a little less tense now?"

"Thanks to you, yes. It was rather ridiculous to see the groom on his wedding night standing there stiff as a stone statue, wasn't it?"

I had already practiced this in my head thousands, tens of thousands of times, across both my past and present lives.

'I can do this.'

After steeling myself and taking several deep breaths, the pounding in my chest, which had been nearly unbearable, calmed a little.

Right, let's stay calm. As long as I did what I knew, I wouldn't fail, at the very least.

I wouldn't end up like that young nobleman I used to know in Yanggu, who got so excited he had a double nosebleed, killed the mood, and couldn't go through with the first night, would I?

"My lord, please let me pour you a cup of wine."

Gyeoul carefully poured wine into my cup. In Joseon or in Korea, no—anywhere in the world—before the first night, it was customary to lean on a little liquid courage...

In front of us, of course, were all sorts of lavish side dishes and bottles filled with strong liquor.

Judging by the fragrance, this seemed to be chrysanthemum wine...

"Thank you."

Without hesitation, I drank the chrysanthemum wine Gyeoul had poured for me.

The scent and taste of the chrysanthemum made it go down smoothly, but I could already feel the alcohol after just one cup...

If I finished the whole bottle, something terrible would happen. I might end up vomiting all over the blankets on our first night.

And perhaps because she was as nervous as I was... Gyeoul, who had never even had a single drink in front of me until now, drank the chrysanthemum wine with me.

She must have been weak to alcohol, because her face quickly turned a pale pink, like cherry blossoms.

The two of us drank together in silence again and again. As our bodies grew hotter and we wanted to release our desire as quickly as possible...

I remembered something an older brother who'd once claimed to be a love expert had told me before.

'For a woman who's doing this for the first time, start with sweet words no matter what.'

'A woman whose first experience goes badly may feel awkward around men for the rest of her life.'

'Men tend to focus on physical pleasure, but women place more importance on everything they experienced before becoming intimate.'

And even a doctor on some app with a red button had said:

'Physical intimacy is an extension and culmination of emotional exchange.'

Even in physical relationships, it wasn't enough for only the man to satisfy his own desires and call it a success.

Because love couldn't be said to be going well if only one side was satisfied.

"...... Gyeoul."

"Yes, my lord."

"I like you."

Gyeoul's face was flushed bright red, like a cherry blossom petal, from the burden and tension of her first experience as a woman, with the alcohol on top of that.

Her face was now so red it looked as if it had been painted with red paint.

I clasped Gyeoul's hand tightly.

"The first time we met was at a meeting Mandeok forced on us, but the moment I first saw you, I fell in love."

...... I don't even know what I'm saying.

Is there another crazy bastard besides me who confesses like this before the first night?

Honestly, I'm only saying this because of the liquor...

When I sobered up and the excitement of our first night faded, I'd probably remember what I'd said and kick off the blankets in embarrassment over and over.

But it didn't matter. Because I had seen a smile appear on Gyeoul's tense face.

"When I finished my duties as magistrate of Jinhae and, after receiving royal favor, became a Jiphyeonjeon Sukan, I somehow got by without having to go through the myeonsinrye rite... whether it was when that bastard Ryu Jeonghyeon hated me and persecuted me, or when the grand ministers of the Six Ministries dumped an enormous amount of work on me and I suffered from overwork... thanks to you comforting me at my side, I drew great strength from it."

"Was that so..."

"When I thought of you coming to my house, helping with the household, and welcoming me home after I'd come back exhausted from work, I felt greatly encouraged. And in front of you..."

This was pretty embarrassing. I was saying it, but even as I said it, I felt very shy.

A rigid Joseon-era scholar would never say something like this... but anyway, I wanted to approach Gyeoul as honestly as possible.

Even if Gyeoul was only a concubine, the two of us loved each other.

And what is a married couple? It's two people who carry burdens together when things are hard and share in the joy when things are good.

'Being honest is best, right?'

"Truthfully, I wanted to be the most impressive man in all of Joseon in front of you. I worked hard because I wanted to show you the most dashing man in the world."

Gyeoul answered by taking my hand, silently accepting my feelings.

"I'll be the most handsome man in the world when I'm with you, so you too..."

"Yes, my lord. I will also strive to become the loveliest woman in the world in your eyes."

I'll be the most dashing man in the world, so you become the cutest girl in the world.

Those were the lyrics of a song I'd heard often before.

It came from a wedding song sung by some blue rabbit and a pirate woman with striking red hair. I only heard the lyrics by chance—really by chance—but I thought they were so romantic.

And I never imagined that my own mouth would one day embarrassingly blurt out those romantic lyrics.

"I will put on makeup every day just for you, think only of you when deciding what clothes to wear, prepare meals by thinking about what foods you like, and always do my best to ease your fatigue."

"I've even given up my office—what would I have to be exhausted about?"

...... Since I'd quit my post, I no longer had to grind my brain down and suffer as Jiphyeonjeon's stone statue anymore.

Now I just had to hole up at home with Gyeoul and rest and laze around.

After safely getting through the first night, all we'd have to do was keep sharing the pleasures of love happily, spend our accumulated wealth, and live comfortably...

But in my head, random thoughts about official life kept following one another.

And just as that threatened to break the mood we'd finally built up.

Gyeoul looked at me steadily, then let go of my hand and hugged me tightly.

"My lord, you have devoted yourself to the ancestral shrine and the people without the slightest selfish desire."

"That was just..."

I couldn't bring myself to say it. I didn't mean to hide it even from Gyeoul.

The truth was that I was an aspiring loafer whose dream was to pass the civil service exam, return home, and quietly grow old together with a beautiful wife like Gyeoul.

If I said that, would Gyeoul be disappointed in me? Or would she just take it in stride?

It was a little awkward to say I'd be the most amazing man in the world and then immediately tell her my dream was to be a layabout.

But the reason I couldn't actually bring myself to say, 'I want to resign and live quietly,' was...

because that didn't seem to be my true feelings either.

"When I was in Jinhae, my father always said that other magistrates valued climbing the ranks above all else, and even during their terms they focused on preparing gifts for their superiors, often pushing the people aside. But you gave up promotion for the sake of the people, and even went to the market yourself to focus only on looking after the poor. You never took even a single unlawful coin; on the contrary, he said, you worried only that the people might go hungry."

I don't think that, as a government official, I should abandon my family and put state affairs first in the name of public duty.

However, if you're an official living on the king's salary, I think you should always be checking whether the people are hungry or struggling in poverty.

Even if that meant blowing my chance to get ahead in the process.

Even in my previous life, I'd given up long ago on getting ahead, earning a pension, passing the civil service exam, hanging on until retirement, getting scouted as an executive at a major corporation, and raking in a fortune for my old age while living high on the hog.

And because of that, well... I even got called crazy by others and was shoved into a dead-end post.

I didn't regret it, but even now I still couldn't shake that old habit.

"Even on the way here, when you saw the people threshing barley and laboring so hard, you only thought about how to help them, didn't you?"

"...... That was...."

"I hope you can carry out the will you desire, my lord. If you wish it, I think living peacefully in Yanggu County would be fine too. But I remember clearly."

"What do you remember?"

Gyeoul pulled my hand over and placed it on her chest as she said,

"The smile you wore on the day I first visited your house in Hanyang—when you told me how the people of Jinhae County had come to offer you all sorts of food directly, and you smiled while talking about it. Back then, you wore a bright smile as if you had the whole world."

...... Why am I suddenly itching to go back to my post?

I had always dreamed of resigning and returning home, but was my real wish actually to be reinstated so I could care for the people more?

Even if it was a little hard on me, wouldn't it be better to live while looking after the people who were struggling?

If I knew full well it would be hard and just stood by with my arms crossed while living out the rest of my life, could I really live without regret and at ease?

Then the people's hardships wouldn't improve much.

But if I went back into office and endured the hardship, the people's lives would change.

"I only wish for your happiness, my lord."

After hearing her words, I made my decision.

...... Right, let's do it one more time.

Just as I had made up my mind, Gyeoul quietly began untying the strings of her jeogori.

Gyeoul and I couldn't get up until the next day, when the sun was high overhead.

And a few days later, Father and Mother tried to persuade me in much the same way.