The Irresistible Friend Who Hurts You, Then Heals You

“Long time no see. What brings you here today?”

“Hmm, Lady Yuria. Is this any way to treat someone you know so well?”

“Haven’t you heard that expectant mothers can be prickly? Surely you’ve had a child by now? Or should I say hatchling?”

“I’ve been pregnant a few times already, so what’s the big deal? Don’t hate me too much. It makes me sad.”

“Anyway, what brings you here this time? It’s bad for our daughter’s prenatal education. Shoo, shoo.”

“You have no respect for a being of such lofty standing. And that child’s a boy. Ah, was that a spoiler?”

“……No, you haven’t changed a bit since we first met. If Lord Lumiere hadn’t run his mouth back then, this child would’ve been our sixth, not our fifth. He butted in for no reason, making you wary of me, and ended up delaying the wedding, too.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve done all sorts of things while using me as an excuse. Why, once, in the bushes outside the manor……”

“P-Please stop! It’s bad for the baby……”

****************

Unlike me, who has a delicate, frail feminine appearance and therefore swears constantly instead of speaking in a soft, ladylike manner out of sheer contrariness,

Derek rarely swears.

“Fuck, you troll-dick-headed piece of trash.”

Correction.

He only does it in front of me.

According to the knight big sis—……the knight sisters, he actually lets loose with the curses when he does swear.

Today, for once, that uncensored side of him burst out in front of me.

And since I was now a demure, refined maid, not childhood-buddy Yuria, I quietly went to pick up the pen Derek had hurled along with his string of curses.

When I handed it back as if to calm him down and lightly stroked the back of his hand, Derek finally began to settle down.

No. Looking into his eyes, I could tell.

He wasn’t calming down. He was flustered.

Yeah, why throw the innocent pen and make me go through all that trouble?

He was obviously flustered because he realized I, a weakling still suffering from a fever who’d only returned to work after two days and could barely stand, had gone to bend down and pick up his pen.

From the other side of the room, I gave him a faint smile, out of sight of the mercenary commander, who was bowing his head in embarrassment.

Try to behave, okay? Don’t make me work harder.

When you think about it, you dragged me all the way out to that freezing place, and I got sick from the exhaustion.

Only after seeing that smile, filled with all those meanings, did Derek regain his composure.

“The mercenary in question was summarily executed on the spot by a senior officer, and we’re currently gathering every reserve force we can mobilize to deal with the situation……”

“Enough. That’s enough, Commander. As you said, let’s focus on coming up with a response first. You said the attackers were Snow Goblins, primarily archers. Have we confirmed roughly how many there are?”

All right, let’s lay out what we’ve learned so far.

Even if the company representative attends a meeting with an outside contractor, the practical administrative work still falls to the staff.

Getting out in front and handling things before they have to tell you to—that’s the proper mindset of a maid.

Mm-hm. Derek is really lucky to have such an excellent maid as me, so he should treat me well.

……Fuck, this is getting depressing.

Anyway, to list the information again……

One. The mercenary company split its troops into multiple units and took responsibility for defending territories or villages that could be considered key points along the roads.

Two. One mercenary stationed in one of those villages apparently neglected his night watch and was very busy fooling around with a village maiden.

Three. As a result, a goblin unit launched a surprise attack under cover of night, and the village was wrecked in no time. Fortunately, the quick response meant there were no casualties, but there was some property damage.

If he’d done his watch properly, the mercenary unit in that village alone would’ve been strong enough to handle them, so the guy deserved summary execution.

On top of that, the Grand Ducal House could’ve cursed the commander out and smacked him across the face with an electric drill fitted with a slipper, and he’d have deserved every bit of it.

It was also a sudden headache for Derek, who only had to wait for the weather to warm up before heading to the capital to look for a bride.

Derek wrapping it up with one curse and one thrown pen made him a very gentlemanly and cool man.

At the same time, Derek was a rotten friend making his sick childhood buddy suffer.

This is exhausting. Please wrap it up already……

I hadn’t even had a chance to rest properly, what with packing to head to the capital.

And now this had happened out of nowhere, so I needed time to unpack everything I’d just packed.

“……That many? If that’s their strength, we can summon the forces stationed in Diplo, the nearby mid-sized city, and wipe them out quickly. The real problem is that we don’t know where the goblin unit has gone, so the key will be spreading as many people as possible over as wide an area as we can.”

“Yes, Young Master. That’s why I requested the troops stationed in Diplo to deploy, but we’ve heard a giant orc is rampaging near the city, so they can’t afford to pull their forces out.”

“One giant orc? Then I can go myself.”

“Pardon? You’re going yourself?”

“Unlike Sir Lyles, who’s called the greatest swordsman in the Empire, I’m not as fast on my feet. But the amount of aura I can unleash is far greater. If I fight an orc one-on-one, I can finish it by myself in ten minutes at most. It’d be better to deal with it quickly and then start searching for the goblins.”

The commander’s grim face brightened a little.

Meanwhile, I felt my own grim expression grow even more dismal.

No, I mean, it was great that the Sword Master with the Empire’s greatest combat strength was going to solve the problem himself.

But if you go, I have to go with you, too.

I don’t have to go to the actual site where you fight the orc or troll or whatever,

but I have to accompany you as far as the city.

It’s not that I don’t want to go as your personal maid.

It’s that I don’t want to go while I’m sick.

“We’ll leave at dawn tomorrow. Make the preparations, Commander.”

I have to get up even earlier while I’m sick.

*************

“Haaah, why am I getting dragged into this too……”

“What’s wrong with you, Yuria?”

At Derek’s words, spoken while he lay blankly on the bed, having finished preparing for the expedition and trying to sleep early, I promptly picked up a wooden block and threw it.

This time, too, the wooden block I threw without fail wasn’t caught by Derek’s hand……it sailed well wide and sprawled across the floor.

Damn it, now I’ll have to pick it up again.

Like player, like fan: left-handed pitchers have always been wild.

As I hurried across the middle of the room where Derek’s bed stood to retrieve the wooden block, Derek suddenly looked at me and patted the spot beside him.

Was he telling me to come sit?

I did as I was told and sat down obediently.

I’d already used up all my energy for picking a fight today.

Derek sat up and began massaging my shoulders, as he usually did.

“Are you still feeling unwell?”

“When have I ever not?”

“I mean the cold and fever.”

“I should be getting better by now, but I don’t think I will because of someone.”

Derek’s hands stopped.

I turned around and glared at him as if to ask why he’d stopped, but Derek looked puzzled and asked me instead,

“Yuria, what did I do to make you mad this time? You know I’m always bad at noticing these things, so just tell me the reason outright.”

“Who said I’m mad? Have you ever seen me get upset over something stupid?”

“Uh……you didn’t talk to me for about a week when you lost the gloves I gave you, I think?”

“You little shit, even a manly man like me had every right to be upset over that.”

I even stayed up nights, cutting into my sleep to knit those gloves myself.

And Mom caught me at it and tore into me, saying it went beyond a maid’s duties and amounted to a wife’s support, before I gave them to you.

That was enough to make me entirely justified in grabbing your balls and popping them while you slept.

Of course, this guy’s body is made of steel, so I doubt his balls would pop even if I squeezed them.

The woman who ends up with him at night someday might actually die.

“What else could be making me feel lousy? I’m worried about how long the aftereffects will last if I go on an outing while I’m still sick, that’s why.”

“An outing? You?”

“You said we’re going to Diplo or Deepflow or whatever, damn it. Of course I’m going if you go, and then of course I’m going on an outing, too.”

Derek’s hands stopped massaging me again.

This time, before I could even turn my head, Derek’s hand was already gently stroking my hair.

“Oh, poor Yuria. That’s what you were worried about?”

“Hey, I told you to save that tone for Maria. And I am seriously worried. It might be nothing but a stroll and warm-up for you, but just going out in my condition is grueling work for me, you know?”

Even as I spoke, Derek continued gently stroking my head.

He’s been touching my head more and more often lately.

It does make me wonder what two guys are doing, but the feel of my hair makes it surprisingly pleasant, so I don’t particularly complain.

If anything, the soft feel seems to lift my mood, too.

Of course, this wasn’t enough to make my irritation go away……well, lessen it.

“……Quit stroking my hair and say something.”

“That’s not it. I just thought you were kind of cute. Why would I take you with me?”

“Huh? I’m not going? Of course I’m coming if you’re going, aren’t I?”

Derek actually stopped stroking me when I told him to, lowering his hand slowly and starting to massage my back instead.

His thumbs pressed down firmly with just the right pressure, the way I liked.

No, it feels good, but can you explain first?

“Honestly, Yuria. What exactly do you think I consider you?”

“Your personal maid, who follows you around like thread after a needle?”

“No, that matters too, but what comes before it is obviously my precious childhood friend, isn’t it?”

A quiet chuckle came from behind me.

“I don’t want to force my sick childhood friend to fulfill her professional duties. This was an unexpected incident, but it’s not difficult to handle the aftermath. Just rest while I’m gone.”

Mm.

My young master really is the best.

Friend? Who cares. The best master is the one who gives me time off.

“Haaah, Derek. I really love you.”

“……Huh? What did you just say……?”

“Fuck, you’re really the best friend. There’s nothing more decent than someone who gives you time off when you need it. You’re granting me such a favor. Hey, I’ll treat you really well.”

“Huh? Uh……”

In inverse proportion to my enthusiasm, Derek’s massage technique grew a little unsteady.

Hmm……is this guy the type who’s weak to compliments?

Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever openly complimented Derek much in the four years we’ve known each other……

I feel a little bad.

“W-Wait? H-Hey, you little shit. What are you doing?”

Correction.

I don’t feel bad anymore.

“Hm? Ah, sorry. Did I touch something wrong? I guess I’m a little out of practice with back massages.”

“Yeah, you touched something damn wrong. You perverted bastard.”

Derek’s hand, which had faltered at even such a trivial compliment, happened to touch the knot in one spot on my back.

There are no hooks here; it’s all tied with knots.

And this natural-born pervert undid the knot hidden beneath two layers of cloth with a single movement of his hand.

As the support holding up the heavy mounds loosened, even a quick glance down made it obvious that they were swaying much more.

I was almost glad Derek was behind me, given what an asshole he was.

“Hey, from now on, burn my words into those ears of yours. Understood?”

“Why are you suddenly acting like that, Yuria? Is that spot, um……maybe a sensitive place or something?”

“Fuck, don’t say anything even more disgusting! Who said my back was an er, er, erogenous zone?! You suddenly undid my bra, you pervert! So why the hell aren’t you closing your eyes already?”

Though I cursed at him, I carefully held my chest up with my arms and turned around as cautiously as I could.

Derek had his eyes shut tight.

I dashed straight to my room.

My chest bounced with a much heavier sway than usual when I ran, and it even hurt.

Only after slamming the door shut did I slide down and collapse to the floor.