Chapter 15
It had been a whole month since Aria and I came to this village.
We seemed to have become reasonably well-known around town.
We'd even picked up a nickname.
‘Was it “the Blood-Soaked Warrior and the Blood-Soaked Nun”?’
It wasn't exactly a nickname I could laugh at.
I looked at the frost on the window and thought back over the past month.
Like that ridiculous nickname suggested, there were precious few days when my clothes were free of blood.
There were precious few days when the blood on my clothes had time to dry.
I'd been killing monsters every day as if I meant to wipe them all off Mount Asendio, so there was no avoiding getting blood on me.
I had no doubt I'd played a considerable part in regulating the monster population.
Aria had every reason to find it difficult, but she followed along without a single complaint.
At first, I thought she was remarkably patient.
But before long, I realized that wasn't the case at all.
‘I can handle it.’
‘It's not hard.’
‘I-I'm still all right.’
She simply endured, endured, and endured some more, whether she could take it or not.
That was a different matter entirely from being patient.
She did it because she was told to.
She did it without giving up.
She did it even if it meant breaking herself.
That was no longer within the realm of normal thinking.
Even my former companions, who had better stamina than Aria, used to recoil from my relentless monster hunts.
How else would I have earned the nickname of a man obsessed with monsters?
On top of that, Aria's basic stamina was abysmal.
There was no way she could handle this kind of forced march.
‘I wish I'd realized sooner.’
I sighed and looked at Aria, groaning on the bed.
Her face was red as a ripe tomato.
Seeing the foolish state she was in made anger flare up for no good reason.
As a result, my words came out rather sharp.
“I told you over and over that we should take a break. Why did you have to push yourself and end up like this?”
Aria answered with her eyes half closed, as if talking to herself.
“……I didn't like feeling like I was holding you back, Mr. Ashtein.”
Did this idiot not realize that getting sick from overexertion was even more trouble?
I wanted to give her a hard flick on the forehead, but reminded myself she was a patient and rested my chin on my hand instead.
“If you're going to push yourself, at least pay attention to how you're feeling. Don't you have any sense of moderation?”
After being pressed again and again, Aria stuck out her lips like a duck.
“Yes, I'm sorry for having no sense of moderation.”
“If you know that, why don't you try to fix it?”
At least my former companions knew how to take care of themselves.
I changed the wet cloth resting on her forehead.
Her forehead was burning hot.
What a pitiful dimwit.
“And what's wrong with holding me back? You can do that a few times.”
“……I didn't want to be a burden.”
“Why not? Were you worried I'd find you bothersome?”
Aria fell silent.
I seemed to have hit the mark.
This girl really was a handful.
“That won't happen. We're companions.”
Companions.
At those words, the corners of Aria's lips lifted.
She was grinning even though she was sick. She seemed a little out of her mind.
“Thank you for thinking of me that way.”
Thanks, my ass.
I answered curtly.
“Stop smiling and get some more sleep.”
I started to get up, but someone grabbed my sleeve.
I knew who it was without having to look.
Aria.
“I don't want to sleep. I'll have nightmares.”
It wasn't something the usual Aria would have said.
Was she the type to get extra clingy when she was sick?
“You need to sleep if you want your cold to get better.”
She shook her head from side to side.
“……Just a little longer. Please stay by my side a little longer.”
Her voice, heavy with heat and moisture, was lethally seductive, as if meant to tempt a man.
She was worse than the succubus I'd seen before.
I pressed my temples, fighting off a migraine.
“Do you even know what you're saying right now, Saintess?”
She definitely didn't.
Wasn't she a saintess who'd spent her religious life having nothing to do with men?
Her dark eyes stared straight at me.
She really was pretty, if you looked at her quietly like this.
Aria's lips moved.
“I know. I know what I'm saying, at least.”
Yeah, right.
I snorted and patted her shoulder.
“I'm leaving.”
“Don't go. Please. ……I'm scared to be alone.”
Aria trembled pitifully.
I considered turning away, but the older sister I'd grown up with came to mind, and I couldn't bring myself to refuse her coldly.
In the end, I sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I'll stay until you fall into a deep sleep.”
Only then did Aria giggle.
“That's enough for me.”
I could already picture her kicking the blankets off later, once she'd come to her senses.
Well, I'd deal with that when it happened.
I brushed my bangs back.
“So, what do you want to do with me by your side?”
When I asked with a teasing edge, Aria pressed her head against my chest and nuzzled into it.
Then she spoke brightly, like a sunflower.
“Hug me.”
“……What?”
I nearly bit my tongue.
“Hold me tight.”
I had to admit that a sick Aria was a tougher opponent than I'd expected.
How was she stronger when she was sick than when she was fine?
* * *
My head is throbbing.
I think the backlash from pushing myself too hard all this time has caught up with me.
If only I'd rested when Mr. Ashtein told me to, again and again, this wouldn't have happened.
I must have been too eager.
I'm pathetic.
I don't even know my own limits, so of course I end up holding him back like this.
Endless self-reproach and self-loathing reach for me like a noose.
For someone who uses holy arts to heal others to suffer from minor ailments is absurd.
“Haa.”
I let out a deep sigh.
I could have done better. I'm such an idiot.
But Mr. Ashtein wouldn't be disappointed in me and send me back to the cult over something like this.
He's not that kind of person.
‘The cult?’
It was only after living so far away that I realized it.
I don't want to go back to the cult.
The conditions here are incomparably more comfortable than they were at the cult.
I didn't have to force myself to be with men, and I didn't have to act like a saintess.
……But still.
The fact that I'm an obstacle to Mr. Ashtein remains like a thorn in my side.
I hate the thought of getting in the way of someone so kind.
Sometimes I wonder if going back wouldn't be the right thing to do.
Goddess, what should I do?
My head is starting to hurt.
Honestly, I really, really want a cigarette.
I reached out and tried to sit up, hoping to clear my hazy mind.
Then I grabbed hold of something.
Firm yet supple skin.
“Mm?”
What I'd touched was Mr. Ashtein's forearm.
My mind went blank.
Why are you beside me?
Th-this makes us look like a man and woman who've just spent the night together.
O-of course! I know Mr. Ashtein isn't the kind of person to do something like that!
As I rustled around, Mr. Ashtein slowly opened his eyes.
He looked at me, still weary from lack of rest.
“You're awake? Thanks to you, I didn't get a wink of sleep.”
“Pardon?”
He hadn't slept a wink?
No way.
Did we really, really sleep together?
Uh, why?
What on earth happened in the memories I've lost?
Question marks filled my mind.
“You were clinging to me this much…… At this point, Aria, do you think of me as some kind of teddy bear?”
Clinging to him?
I—I did?
Th-that can't be right.
I don't remember anything.
I tried to hide my agitation as I asked him a question.
“I-I-I-I, wh-why is Mr. Ashtein h-h-here with m-me, t-together, in b-bed……”
The words came out broken, one syllable at a time.
I knew my reaction was strange.
I was aware of it, but I couldn't stop myself from trembling.
A-and besides, why was I in the same bed as Mr. Ashtein, pressed so closely against him……
‘Don't go.’
‘I'm scared to be alone.’
‘Hug me.’
‘Hold me tight.’
The words I'd blurted out came back to me like scenes flashing before my eyes.
At last, I remembered everything.
Why Mr. Ashtein was in bed with me.
Why I was in his arms.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
No, these memories really were flashing before my eyes like a life review.
I'd be dead after this.
I sprang out of bed.
Then I opened the closed window.
A chilly wind blew in.
Winter had well and truly arrived.
It was a perfect day to jump.
Just as I was about to throw myself out, Mr. Ashtein—who knows when he'd gotten up—grabbed me around the waist.
The strength in his thick forearm easily stopped my sudden attempt to throw myself out the window.
“Hic, let—let go of me. I-I can't…… I can't live with this embarrassing memory! P-please! H-how am I supposed to go on living with a memory like this!”
Even as I made a fuss, he only gave me a faint smile.
“Looks like your cold's all gone.”
His words were gentle.
They were kind, too.
“I'm really sorry for causing you trouble……”
He looked at me.
His eyes held neither reproach nor resentment.
You don't want me to say this, do you?
You wouldn't even let me blame myself.
You're a cruel man.
I swallowed my words.
“……Thank you for staying by my side.”
Instead of saying I was sorry, I said thank you.
He smiled kindly and stroked my head.
“I'm hungry. Let's go eat.”
His words were casual and unhurried.
Those words brought me peace.
“Ah.”
Over the past month, living with him, I'd realized something.
I'd come to realize it naturally.
That I'd fallen in love with this man.
Love can come all at once.
But love can also seep in, like clothes getting wet in a drizzle.
My feelings were closer to the latter.
At the same time, I realized how unreasonable and futile those feelings were.
Could someone as filthy as me possibly deserve to love him?
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to love anyone.
The fact that I used to be a man is a psychological barrier, too.
But the far bigger issue is how many men I've slept with.
Who could ever love someone like me, after so many men had toyed with me?
If our positions were reversed, I would have found it disgusting, too.
Who could love a woman like me, who lets just anyone have her body?
So I had to hide it.
This feeling that I was in love with him.
I had to keep suppressing it, little by little.
“If you keep spacing out, I'll go eat by myself.”
Mr. Ashtein said.
I felt my heart flutter at the sound of his voice.
I wanted to hear more of your voice.
That desire stirred my heart into turmoil.
But I had to suppress it.
Even if it hurt. Even if it made me sad.
There must be someone better suited for you.
Not someone as incomplete as me.
There must be someone more deserving.
Still.
Until that worthy partner comes to your side,
Wouldn't it be all right for me to stay by your side?
“……Let's go together.”
It was two weeks later that someone from the cult came looking for us.