Chapter 21
I meet Mr. Ashtein's eyes.
His black pupils gaze steadily at me.
I like that unwavering gaze of yours.
It feels as though I can sense the warmth of your kindness and consideration in it.
I know you repay trust with trust.
After spending the past few months together, I've come to know what kind of person you are.
But, Mr. Ashtein.
Sometimes, I'm afraid.
If I tell you everything, what if you grow disillusioned with me?
What if you look down on me as filthy and lowly?
I know you're not the kind of person who would do that.
But negative thoughts often sprout like bamboo shoots.
Besides, how can I proudly tell the man I love that I've been in the arms of other men dozens, hundreds of times?
How could I possibly say that out loud?
What if telling you means I erase my own place by your side?
I'm so afraid of that.
Hiding it is wrong.
I know the rational thing to do is tell you.
I should ask him for help right now.
While one part of me is loudly protesting,
Do you think someone as filthy as you won't be abandoned?
What right does a whore like you have to cling to Mr. Ashtein?
Another part of me endlessly berates itself.
What if...
When I tell you everything I've been through,
you look at me with a cold gaze.
Could I really bear it?
I couldn't.
There's no way I could bear it.
Just thinking about it makes me feel like I can't breathe.
My chest aches as if a stake had been driven through my heart.
I'm sorry for being such a coward.
I'm sorry for running away.
I'm sorry for being so filthy.
“……I'm sorry. I can't tell you yet.”
How will you take my refusal?
You told me about your own wounds, and yet I insist on hiding mine to the very end. You must resent that, don't you?
I know. I'm such a coward.
I'm rotten to the core.
You open your mouth.
“Aria.”
You call my name.
It makes me happy, and yet afraid.
I'm afraid you'll press me, asking, “I told you about my past, but you won't tell me about yours?”
I'm scared of that.
“Yes, Mr. Ashtein.”
“I told you about my past because it doesn't hurt me anymore. It doesn't bother me at all.”
That can't be true.
It was such a painful, sorrowful story.
Just listening to it made tears well in my eyes.
“But I guess that's not the case for you. Right?”
“…….”
I couldn't answer.
My throat was tight, as if I'd stuffed it with stale bread.
My Adam's apple bobbed.
If I opened my mouth, I felt a sigh would escape on its own.
Mr. Ashtein pulled me into his arms and whispered in my ear.
“If what I'm asking about is still something that hurts you, you don't have to force yourself to show me your wounds. When you've sorted through your thoughts and feel more at ease, just mention it in passing then.”
Mr. Ashtein.
How can you be so kind?
Why do you care so much about me?
And I can't do anything for you.
“But remember this one thing.”
His rough fingers brushed across my lips.
“If you tell me you need help, I'll help you. No matter what.”
“……Are you helping me because I'm your companion?”
You make a mischievous face.
“What, would you rather hear another reason?”
Another reason.
What is it I want to hear from you?
No, actually, I know.
I want you to love me.
I want you to say you want to protect me.
Even though I have no right to want that.
“Would it be enough if I said I like you for who you are?”
You say such embarrassing words as if they were nothing, as though you'd read my mind.
Why do I like you so much?
“That's enough for me.”
I wanted to kiss him.
But I hesitated.
Because my whole body is filthy.
What if I dirty you, too?
That thought keeps coming to mind,
and makes me hesitate to act.
“Are you crying again?”
“I'm sorry……”
You kissed me by surprise.
It was the moment our lips met.
Somehow, a kiss with the person I love tasted salty.
“Ah, ah.”
I pushed you away.
Why am I the only one feeling confused and embarrassed?
Mr. Ashtein spoke nonchalantly.
“Why? Do you want me to keep going?”
Idiot.
You're an idiot.
* * *
Weekend mornings in Magdalena are very quiet.
Unlike the bustling weekend mornings in other big cities.
The reason for the quiet that pervades the streets is that the Erotic Cult holds morning mass every weekend.
A considerable portion of the city's residents are followers of the Erotic Cult.
It goes without saying that they wouldn't skip the morning mass held by the cult.
For that reason, Magdalena's weekend mornings are inevitably wrapped in silence.
The chapel inside the Erotic Cult's cathedral.
Many people had gathered there from early morning.
There were especially more people attending mass this weekend than usual. The reason, if one looked into it, was that the ‘Saintess’ herself was leading morning mass and reciting the Lord's Prayer for the first time in a long while.
A pretty young girl reciting the Lord's Prayer in a clear voice was more in demand than a bearded man mumbling it in a hoarse voice.
“Mother who bestows impartial love. Through our prayers, may your holy name be made holier, and through us may your love reach farther……….”
Like everyone else, Ashtein sat in a chapel pew and watched Aria recite the Lord's Prayer in a bright, crisp soprano.
Wearing a classic nun's habit, she didn't stumble over her words or stammer once, as she sometimes did.
Naturally, she didn't blush, either.
Could this girl really make such a businesslike expression?
Aria looked strangely unfamiliar to Ashtein.
“She really does look like a Saintess when you see her like this.”
“Do you mean the Saintess doesn't usually behave like one?”
Turning toward the voice, he saw a brown-haired man: Ronin.
Ronin didn't so much as flinch when Ashtein narrowed his eyes at him.
Instead, he even had the audacity to smile and sit beside him.
He was a thick-skinned man with shameless nerve.
“I never realized a bishop was in the habit of twisting other people's words.”
“A joke. A little one.”
Ashtein picked at his ear with his pinky.
“Your sense of humor is abysmal. Doesn't anyone around you ever advise you to keep your mouth shut?”
Ronin didn't crease his face at all, despite Ashtein's insolent attitude.
“Unfortunately, there is no one around me who would offer such frank advice.”
Ashtein snorted.
“You must be quite adored, then.”
“It seems I am, beyond what I deserve.”
The two men's gazes wrapped around each other like intertwined tree trunks.
Their eyes rapidly searched one another, as if sizing each other up.
Ronin smoothly changed the subject.
“At any rate, it seems the Saintess shows you a different side of herself when she's with you, Hero?”
A different side.
Certainly, she showed a wider range of expressions than the girl standing up front with her dry expression.
She'd get flustered or embarrassed, or timidly voice her likes and dislikes.
Ashtein found those things unbearably cute.
“Want to know?”
“Yes.”
“I'm not telling you.”
With that, Ashtein fell silent.
He didn't want to have a long conversation with this man.
Ronin made an awkward expression.
“That's a shame. But when do you plan to leave, Hero?”
When would he leave?
He meant the Holy Sword's test.
Under normal circumstances, Ashtein would have set off immediately to take the test.
That was his nature.
He couldn't stand wasting time for no reason.
And yet...
For some reason, Aria was on his mind.
He kept wondering whether it was all right to leave her like this.
No one knew how long the Holy Sword's test would take.
It might take a few hours, or it might take several days.
During that time, he wouldn't be able to look after Aria.
She could very well be harmed.
He mulled it over for a moment.
After careful thought, Ashtein stood up.
“I'm going now.”
“I'll show you the way.”
Aria wanted him to obtain the Holy Sword.
So he had to take it.
The Holy Sword's test.
* * *
After morning mass, Aria tried to find Ashtein.
But she was told he'd already begun the Holy Sword's test.
‘It's Mr. Ashtein, so I'm not too worried, but I hope nothing goes wrong.’
She'd heard the Holy Sword was finicky and strict.
Hadn't the previous Hero and the one before him both failed to draw the Holy Sword?
It must be a difficult test.
Still, Aria believed Ashtein could do it.
It was a vague belief.
Thump.
Perhaps because her mind was completely full of thoughts about Ashtein,
Aria bumped into the person in front of her.
“Oh, I'm sorry. Are you hurt?”
“I'm fine……, Saintess?”
“……Oh, Makarov.”
It was Makarov, who had witnessed Aria and Ashtein in that embarrassing position last night.
The boy blushed and hurried on.
“I-I'm sorry. I-I should get going!”
Aria reached out to grab Makarov, but her hand only swept through empty air.
It looked like it would take quite some time to clear up the misunderstanding.
……Was it a misunderstanding, though?
Hadn't Ashtein said they should make it official when Makarov caught them?
Judging by the circumstances, he had meant it as a joke, though.
‘Th-that means Mr. Ashtein has at least some f-feelings for me, too.’
Her face grew hot, and her cheeks burned.
Aria pressed both hands to her cheeks and recalled last night's conversation.
‘Would it be enough if I said I like you for who you are?’
There was no reason that wouldn't be enough.
I-I like you.
“Hehe.”
A silly laugh slipped out.
It took her quite a while to realize it was her own voice.
Was it okay to be this happy just because he'd kissed her once?
‘But I can't help being happy.’
The more she thought about it, the more her lips loosened into a smile, and her head felt light and floaty.
Was this what it felt like to fly above the clouds?
“So this is where you were. I looked for you for ages when you weren't in your room.”
“……Bishop Ronin?”
He smiled casually.
“You've been summoned after a long time.”
Summoned.
By whom?
It was obvious.
“Why?”
“There are many followers who miss the Saintess.”
Do you know Icarus?
Like the man who plunged into the sea after flying too close to the sun and melting the wax that bound his wings, Aria's feelings plummeted to rock bottom in an instant.