Chapter 38
How much time had passed?
I wasn't sure.
By the time I came to, the deep red sunset was fading.
My body felt listless.
I felt weak, as if I'd just climbed out of the water after swimming for a long time.
A profound exhaustion was creeping through my body.
Rumble.
My stomach growled.
It was only natural, since I hadn't eaten anything but breakfast.
I didn't feel like eating anything.
I was in the strange predicament of being hungry but having no appetite.
A hollow laugh escaped me.
I hadn't gone outside since morning.
You could say I'd shut myself away in my room.
Because I didn't want to go out.
In case I ran into Ashtein.
In case he gave me that same cold look as before.
That scared me.
Before, I would have just frowned and grumbled, but now I could faintly make out his feelings.
‘Don’t touch Aria.’
Open wariness and hostility.
Ashtein was no longer someone who treated me with kindness.
Aria Rameld.
It had to be because of that woman.
That woman was why I was in this state.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything!
……Was it really because of her?
Anyone who followed the path of magic knew that blind judgment was unwise when interpreting a phenomenon.
You had to look at it from as many angles as possible to find an answer.
That was how you pursued magic and accumulated knowledge.
You could apply that to real life, too.
So I shouldn't blame the Saintess for something she hadn't done.
I had to look for my own faults, too.
I knew I'd been rude.
If someone had called me a prostitute or something, I wouldn't have been able to stand it.
But what could I do?
I hated, resented, and envied the woman who'd taken the place at his side so much.
I couldn't help lashing out at her.
That was supposed to be my place.
I was the one who was supposed to be by his side.
I realized it.
I was the problem.
I was the one who'd made things this way.
I'd brought this on myself.
I drew my knees up and curled into a ball on the bed.
For some reason, curling up like a pill bug made me feel safe.
When I stayed like this, the buzzing in my ears went quiet.
When I opened my mouth, my voice came out hoarse.
“Ashtein, do you hate me that much?”
Of course he did.
I was noisy, annoying, outspoken, and ungrateful—a brat.
I'd grown up that way, thinking it was only natural.
I hadn't always been like this.
I'd worked hard to earn people's praise, but one day I looked around and realized there was no one left by my side.
I was lonely because everyone revered me as a genius.
I threw myself into accomplishments to erase that loneliness.
I devoted myself to magic and forgot how to deal with people.
At least I'd forgotten how lonely I was, so it didn't matter.
At some point, being alone became easier.
Other people's gazes weighed on me.
Then, at a time like that, I met you.
You didn't look at me with awe, or as if I were a monster.
You simply saw me.
Ashtein.
Only you let me be a girl named ‘Azazel Anaid.’
You didn't see a genius or a famous mage of the Magic Tower. You just saw a girl.
I loved that so much.
I couldn't express it, but I really did love it.
I thought the place by your side was where I belonged.
But look at me now.
In the end, even you turned away from me.
No one could love a brat as twisted as me.
Yeah, I know I have an annoying, repulsive personality.
So what?
I'd grown up this way.
No one ever taught me.
What was I supposed to do?
“Pathetic fucking bitch.”
Cursing myself so vulgarly made me feel better.
It felt like my head was clearing.
Of course Ashtein would prefer an elegant Saintess to a twisted fuck-up like me.
Obedient, gentle, and beautiful.
She had every virtue a woman should possess.
“There’s no way someone like me could win.”
I clenched my fist and bit my lip.
My nails dug into my skin.
Blood spread across my dry lips.
I felt pain.
But it didn't hurt.
What really hurt was my heart.
My heart was the one being torn apart.
Love…
Maybe it was too much for me to bear.
Maybe I'd reached too far.
I unfolded my curled-up body to stand, but my limbs had gone stiff, and I fell face-first onto the floor.
Thud.
Maybe because I'd landed on my face, it felt numb.
The thought that those people on the other side of the wall must have heard me made my face flush hot.
I turned up the corners of my mouth, bitterness in my heart.
‘What a sight I am.’
Ashtein disliked me.
It was obvious he was rejecting me.
The Saintess must be that precious to him.
I felt hollow, as if a hole had been punched through my chest.
It felt like I was losing something.
But I didn't know what.
What was I losing?
I didn't want to know.
I thought it would hurt if I did.
Should I just give up now?
I knew enough by now.
No man liked a selfish woman like me.
I should give up cleanly and return to the Magic Tower.
I tried to let go of my feelings for Ashtein.
I tried to give up.
But why?
Why couldn't I give up on you? Why did I still have regrets?
Why did I think of you more and more as time went by?
If I grabbed you by the pant leg and begged you to look at me, even now, would you turn back to me?
“Ugh.”
I was alone.
Utterly, completely alone.
Still sprawled on the floor, I dragged myself over to the wall.
When I pressed my ear against it, I heard soft conversation.
“Ain, I-I don't know if that kind of wish is a good idea.”
“You said you'd grant me a wish.”
“B-but even so, telling me to speak casually…”
“It's not like I want you to keep doing it. What's wrong with just a little while?”
That wasn't the sharp-edged voice of Ashtein I knew.
It was soft and gentle.
The contrast made me feel miserable.
The woman named Aria spoke, her voice full of embarrassment and delight.
“I-it feels really awkward, Ain.”
“………You're so cute.”
I was jealous.
Jealous of the woman he thought was cute.
Jealous of the woman he loved.
I felt pathetic, too.
For eavesdropping on their conversation like this.
For sitting here all alone, feeling sorry for myself.
Was this what a genius mage looked like?
The rising star of the magical world?
What about me?
What was the point of being able to use every kind of magic?
I didn't have a single thing that really mattered.
Self-loathing washed over me.
I grabbed handfuls of my hair and pulled.
I should've held my temper.
I shouldn't have said those things so carelessly.
I shouldn't have gotten angry.
Why was I always like this?
Everything I did pushed people away.
I really was an idiot.
I took my ear away from the wall.
I lay quietly on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
And when the sun had set and night fell,
I heard moans filled with pleasure.
Again?
Stop it.
I banged my head against the bed over and over.
The mattress was hard, and my head hurt.
“I love you, Aria.”
“I-I love you too, Ain.”
Sweet whispers reached me.
I covered my ears with a pillow.
I don't want to hear it anymore.
Make it stop.
“Hngh, hah, mmm.”
My head…
“I like Aria when she speaks casually, too.”
It feels like it's going to crack.
“……I-I'm weird, I tell you, ah!”
My stomach is turning.
“See? It's even bigger now.”
Why do I have to listen to this?
“Hyeh, ah, it hurts. It's, it's so full inside, when I move, mm.”
I don't want to know about that.
“Should we stop?”
Stop.
“Mmm, no. Make it hurt more.”
I don't want to.
Squish, squish. I heard the sound of water.
When I listened closely, I realized the sound wasn't coming from the other side of the wall.
I tilted my head, and a prickling, hazy sensation throbbed in my lower abdomen.
“Heh?”
The breathy sound of a shameless woman.
It was none other than my own moan.
I came to my senses too late.
Wh-what had I done?
I looked down at my crotch.
I saw my exposed vulva, my panties pushed aside.
My index finger was frantically probing my vaginal opening.
When I pulled it out, a thread of slick fluid stretched from it.
It was glistening.
I couldn't help feeling embarrassed by it.
“What am I doing?”
I wasn't asking because I didn't know.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Masturbation.
I was masturbating to their voices.
Humiliation and shame consumed my whole body.
I was just a perverted bitch.
My head was a mess.
“I love you.”
Ashtein's voice coming from the other side sounded as if he were right beside me.
At the sound of his voice, the finger that had stopped began moving on its own.
I stubbornly pressed the spot inside my pussy that throbbed with pleasure.
“Hngh, ah.”
Because it was my body, I knew exactly what felt good.
Before long, my breathless voice filled the silent room.
“Why, heh, can't, can't I stop, ha?”
Every time I heard Ashtein's voice, my fingers moved on their own, as if under a spell I'd cast beforehand.
They tapped at my sensitive spot.
A euphoria that made my head float came over me.
It felt good.
Gripping the sheets, I curled up a little tighter.
“Ah, ah, ah.”
My moans were sharp and high-pitched, like a dog yelping.
I was embarrassed, but my gloomy feelings had flown far away.
I crossed my thighs and caressed my nipple with my free hand.
My touch was clumsy, but Ashtein's gentle voice was enough to arouse me.
“You're so beautiful.”
That warmth wasn't meant for me.
Those words weren't meant for me.
They weren't meant for me.
I knew that.
But I couldn't stop my hand.
Fluid kept flowing from my pussy, soaking the sheets.
The fluid running down my thighs was as copious as if I'd spilled a glass of water.
“I like you.”
I didn't care if those words weren't meant for me.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you like me.
“Ugh, ahh.”
My fingernails scraped roughly against the inside of my vagina.
The sensation prodded at my pleasure spot.
A sordid pleasure washed over me, and my mind went completely blank.
Fluid spurted out like a fountain, and my back arched violently.
My legs trembled spasmodically from my calves to my feet.
“Haaah, mmm!”
My voice was unusually vulgar.
I didn't have premature ejaculation, so how had I climaxed so quickly?
I didn't know which of us was the real slut.
After I climaxed, I felt awful.
Once my desire was relieved, all that remained was a terrible self-loathing and self-disgust.
“……….”
I hated it.
I didn't want to feel this way.
I moved my hand back to my pussy.
Squish, squish.
As long as I was focused on masturbating, I didn't have to feel all those complicated emotions.
That's why I was masturbating.
I rationalized it as I stimulated my clitoris.
The throbbing pleasure drove away my gloom.
Once this masturbation was over, I'd want to die again.
But at least it felt good right now.
So, Ashtein.
Say more.
I don't care if the words aren't meant for me.
Say more sweet things.
I'm not enough.
I'm parched for your affection.