Chapter 31
She couldn't remember much after that.
Only vague recollections remained: flashing white lights, a floating sensation as if her body was rising somewhere, and a sense of déjà vu as if someone was calling her name.
- Seolhwa, Seolhwa... Open your eyes...!
A man looking down at her while crying, a slight trembling felt in the way he tightly held her hand, refusing to let go.
- I'm sorry I didn't come to meet you because I was writing...
Ah, it was Do-hyeon.
But why was he crying?
It was clearly his birthday, so he should be smiling.
Ah, it must be because I couldn't make him rolled eggs.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
There was no need to apologize. I could just go home soon and make him fluffy, delicious Seolhwa-style rolled eggs.
Wait, why couldn't she speak?
She wanted to tell him she was fine.
Her lips wouldn't move. She couldn't even mimic pronunciation, only managing to lift the corners of her mouth slightly.
- You still haven't caught the culprit? Fuck, you bastards. You call yourselves police?!
Seolhwa frowned watching Han Do-hyeon grab someone's collar in anger. He was usually someone who rarely showed such emotional outbursts.
Why was he expressing such sad frustration?
Seolhwa couldn't move her body even when trying to stop Do-hyeon. It was as if everything below her waist had turned to stone.
It hurt. She felt a burning sensation as if being stabbed with a heated iron rod.
Groans escaped her tightly closed lips as she tried to endure the pain, her teeth clenched so hard they might crack.
Unable to even ask what was wrong with her body, she tasted the cold air of the operating room.
A crushing pressure that felt like it would collapse her lungs, the sight of numerous people who appeared to be doctors looking at her with serious expressions.
'Ah, I was in a traffic accident.'
At that moment, Seolhwa could understand her situation.
She realized just how serious the situation was.
Not only surgical specialists but also internal medicine and even emergency medicine specialists' name tags were visible.
Doctors checking various X-rays, CT scans, and even MRI results, examining something back and forth.
They shook their heads with grim expressions before calmly taking Seolhwa somewhere.
Then,
- Administering anesthesia. Breathe. One, two...
A bright light struck Seolhwa's vision, and an oxygen mask was placed over her mouth.
Before she could finish counting, her consciousness blurred, and with the sensation of something cold entering her veins, the pain that had been coiling around her body like a snake subsided.
'I should have told Do-hyeon it wasn't his fault...'
As her eyelids grew heavy and began to close, that was the simple thought she had before completely losing consciousness.
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When Seolhwa opened her eyes again, she woke up looking at a white ceiling, like the common opening of a novel.
"Seolhwa...! You're awake...!"
"Do-hyeon...?"
Han Do-hyeon appeared to have been sleeping slumped beside her.
Dark circles were deeply etched under his eyes, which were bloodshot, as if he had spent countless nights worrying.
"You were unconscious for two days. I... I really thought you were going to die..."
The face of this tough man, worn with fatigue, crumbled at seeing his lover regain consciousness.
What a naive and foolish person.
Despite living through such a horrific past, enduring alone, he hadn't lost his purity toward this world.
"...How could I die when you're here? Silly."
With this, Seolhwa tried to move her body to embrace Han Do-hyeon with a slight smile. Even though she had been in a traffic accident, she thought everything would be fine since she felt no particular pain.
She thought it was that simple.
Life had always approached Seolhwa positively. No matter what misfortune came, she had always stood on the side of the 'haves.'
A third-generation chaebol, genius, beauty, perfect in both education and wealth - she had never been anything but someone everyone admired.
She had let her guard down.
But,
"Huh? Why won't my arm..."
Like a marionette with cut strings, her right arm wouldn't move. No matter how much she tried to exert force, sensation wouldn't return.
"...?"
Seolhwa couldn't accept this sudden change in her body.
The sight of her struggling to lift her limp right arm with her remaining arm looked desperate.
Why did it have to be the right arm? If it had been her less-used left arm, she wouldn't have thought it such a problem.
Above all, for a novelist who lived carrying the burden of writing, losing the use of one arm was a fatal penalty.
Even though times had advanced and there were writers who wrote through voice recognition or typed with their feet or remaining hand.
"D-doctor! Please come quickly!!"
For the first time, Seolhwa hated the fact that she was by Do-hyeon's side. It felt like an insect turning over its belly and flailing its legs trying to survive.
"Do-hyeon, no. It can't be. I'm just tired... Yes, this definitely isn't paralysis."
Though she noticed the truth about her body before anyone else, she kept making excuses to her boyfriend.
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Incurable diseases always came suddenly.
Like an unfamiliar friend unexpectedly showing up at a birthday party.
In any sense, it was cruel, cold, and unpleasant.
Though she had heard until her ears wore out that trials only come in amounts people can overcome.
"You might lose the use of your entire body due to paralysis in the future. Unfortunately, your cervical spine received severe trauma."
Spinal infarction.
A condition where the arteries delivering blood to the spinal cord are blocked due to accident or injury, causing the spinal cord to begin necrotizing from lack of proper blood and oxygen supply.
"What? Doctor, what do you mean..."
"The prognosis is very poor. Even though our medical team did everything possible since you're the granddaughter of the chairman who made large donations to our hospital."
The doctor spoke in a serious tone while pushing up his glasses. Though medical staff usually only speak of worst-case scenarios,
"You seem to have about a year left..."
The words that followed were painful enough to break even the most optimistic person's spirit.
"Doctor, please... Please, our Seolhwa is only 20. Do you know how hard she worked to support poor me? We finally got accepted to the same university we wanted to attend together..."
Yu Seolhwa wasn't the only one who despaired at this cold reality. Han Do-hyeon also began begging the doctor with tears in his voice.
"Guardian, I'm truly sorry, but the situation is indeed dire. Frankly speaking, even saving her life was a miracle."
But doctors aren't gods. They too were weak humans, unable to revive life already lost.
"......"
"The hit-and-run suspect tried to ensure death to leave no evidence."
Moreover, there was another reason why Seolhwa's condition was so serious.
The perpetrator had tried to kill her to leave no loose ends after she jumped in to save the child.
She heard that child had also been hit by the car trying to protect her, so the culprit was truly full of malice.
"That bastard still hasn't been caught?"
Seolhwa couldn't help but question this fact.
How could someone try to kill a wealthy group's precious granddaughter with a car and escape without leaving any evidence?
"No, but I'll definitely catch them. Don't worry too much."
As if God had decided to kill her, no traces or descriptions could be found.
The only witness, the young child, was also fighting for life after being hit by the hit-and-run vehicle, and CCTV had perfectly captured only blind spots.
When coincidence overlaps with coincidence, it becomes fate.
"No, even if they're caught... what's the use when I can't write anymore?"
And that fate was driving Yu Seolhwa into a corner.
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At first, Yu Seolhwa held onto hope.
Because humans are naturally optimistic beings, they don't give up when they see some progress.
"Great! Well done! Just one more step forward!"
The casts that had wrapped her entire body due to bones shattered in the traffic accident had been removed, and now she was practicing walking while holding her boyfriend's hand.
'Hah, right. The great Yu Seolhwa can't give up.'
She smiled confidently, believing she could survive beyond the one year the doctor had mentioned.
Wasn't it often shown on TV? Patients with terminal illnesses who lived well beyond their expected lifespans by going to the mountains.
The hopeful image Seolhwa and Do-hyeon created became famous even among physical therapists,
"Now you're starting to look like our Seolhwa. I was worried since you were depressed for so long."
"You just wait and see."
They didn't mind such rumors. In the hospital space that could easily become gloomy, they could live like newlyweds.
Han Do-hyeon always nursed Seolhwa with utmost care whenever university ended early. He would wipe her sweat with a towel and help move her when she had difficulty moving.
"Kyaa...! Lift me more gently!"
"How can I when our lady is as light as a feather?"
Though Han Do-hyeon and Yu Seolhwa tried to live earnestly, finding happiness even in misfortune.
"Huh? Do-hyeon. What's this, a military enlistment notice...?"
The seed of misfortune that would take everything away began with one letter.
"......"
As if some evil god greatly disliked their smiling faces and was casting a curse.
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After Han Do-hyeon left for military service, Yu Seolhwa faced another shocking development.
Paralysis began to affect her legs, which had seemed to be recovering - the same legs Do-hyeon had massaged with love and helped rehabilitate.
Even with in-home physical therapists, they couldn't reconnect the already severed nerves.
This happened just one month after Han Do-hyeon left for military service.
[I miss Do-hyeon...]
Yu Seolhwa typed on her laptop with her unfamiliar left hand.
The traffic accident slowly began destroying everything Seolhwa possessed as time passed.
Not content with turning all her accumulated status, money, and reputation to waste,
[You know what, Do-hyeon? They say I can't have children. They say I've become completely infertile.]
It even took away Seolhwa's deepest wish.
This happened two months after Han Do-hyeon left for military service.
Unable to tell him this fact, unable to overcome this devastating reality, her mental illness grew deeper.
[Writing novels with one hand is killing me. When I try to write in my notebook, it comes out as terrible handwriting.]
The paralysis that spread from her right arm felt like it was trapping Seolhwa's body in a hard cocoon.
Like a pupa preparing to become a butterfly, her body grew heavier,
[I guess I can't soar like a butterfly after all, Do-hyeon.]
Seolhwa couldn't soar like a butterfly!
She couldn't move at all anymore.
Even when she frowned and tried to exert force with her hand, it wouldn't move. It felt like trying to move a nonexistent sixth finger.
Like a soldier who survived a minefield, Seolhwa made her decision after losing sensation in her right hand and left foot.
With her increasingly paralyzed body, she couldn't maintain her dream of being a novelist or her position as Han Do-hyeon's girlfriend.
She couldn't even have children, which she had thought would be her lifelong dream.
So,
[I decided to die today.]
Seolhwa decided to commit suicide. She clearly knew she would only be a burden to Han Do-hyeon at this rate.
[At least I wanted to die while my spirit as a writer was still alive, while I still felt human.]
She wrote lies in her suicide note.
She knew Han Do-hyeon was such a loving man that if she left any lingering attachment, he would stay by her side until the end.
She knew he would live lonely and unable to forget a woman who couldn't live with him for life or bear his children.
[It feels like being buried alive.]
[It feels like someone is shoveling damp, hard soil onto my head one handful at a time every day.]
[Even begging God to save me didn't change anything.]
She typed on the laptop with her unfamiliar left hand.
[The weight of death is so light. That's why I decided to die before becoming even lighter...]
Seolhwa resolved to act like a bad woman to make Han Do-hyeon forget her.
[December 24, 20XX, Snow Flower, Novelist Yu Seolhwa to Han Do-hyeon.]
[PS. Let's break up. Honestly, you can find someone better than me.]
After finishing her suicide note, she secretly left her hospital room, tucking a crutch under her left armpit and walking heavily.
=========================================
Large hospitals have ramps called walkways.
These were made for wheelchair patients to climb floors, and until a few months ago, it was where Seolhwa had fought her illness without losing hope.
She had thought spinal infarction was her only misfortune.
'To think I'm infertile...'
When shit piles upon shit, it seems people learn to give up.
Sorry for being a bad woman.
Sorry for being an inadequate girlfriend.
Even now every moment without you is like hell, and I couldn't face you loving me again after your discharge.
"Whew!"
She climbed the floors, making excuses about going to the bathroom.
Past the dreary and gloomy smell of the adult ward,
She reached the floor of hope, decorated with all sorts of colorful ornaments and lights even in the middle of the night.
The memories of the children's ward still evoked deep nostalgia in Seolhwa. She had briefly suffered from leukemia in her childhood.
The innocence of wanting to eat hamburgers to her heart's content when she could go outside.
The hope that someday she could leave behind her bald head and the wool hat her mother had knitted.
Thanks to the encouragement of nurse sisters and physical therapist brothers telling her to work hard at rehabilitation, she had overcome leukemia quite quickly.
'The complete opposite of now.'
She had thought too easily that it would be the same this time.
She had secretly called a driver to tour restaurants across the country, saying she needed to eat before her mouth became completely paralyzed.
As her body became paralyzed, she stopped writing her diary of daily wishes.
She cut ties with friends who gradually contacted her less.
She broke up with her promised lifelong lover through her suicide note.
Her father, who had donated bone marrow for her back then, had passed away from chronic illness.
If she disappeared with a 'poof' from the middle of this world, probably no one would notice.
Click-
The rooftop's iron door opened.
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"It's cold, terribly so."
December's weather cut into Seolhwa's flesh like a blade.
The cold felt through her thin hospital gown made her feel more alive.
Alive.
I'm alive.
With chattering teeth and trembling body, Seolhwa rejoiced in being alive.
Whether her mind had gone from the long illness,
Or whether she was happy to put an end to this wretched life, she wasn't sure.
Her eyes grew hot.
Her throat closed up and her breathing became irregular.
Her body tensed and trembled.
"Hic... sob..."
Ah, she shouldn't cry.
Perhaps from watching the cold concrete ground from ten stories up,
She suddenly began thinking of unfulfilled dreams.
'I wanted to write works that would remain in people's memories.'
Seolhwa wasn't just a patient trailing IVs and medicines, but a writer who still had many dreams.
'I wanted to make more memories and share more love with Do-hyeon.'
She wasn't just a living corpse with skin and bones like a skeleton, but still a woman who wanted to be loved by her partner.
"The writing I did with Do-hyeon... I wanted to see it published as a book someday... ha, haha, hahaha..."
As proof, these were her words just before falling from the rooftop.
Just this.
Though it was a stupid statement that could be summarized in one sentence,
Perhaps Yu Seolhwa had actually been struggling, not wanting to die.
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"Child. Poor daughter of humanity."
Thus, a visitor came to Seolhwa, who had turned to blood and flesh upon impact with the ground.
"I greatly enjoyed reading the novels your boyfriend wrote."
The Mother of All Things and God of Outer Space, who had a bizarre appearance like multiple black goats mixed together.
It was Shub-Niggurath.
"Because of this, I will give you a chance."