My Light

Somehow, once all the tension drained out of me, a wave of drowsiness suddenly swept over me.

When I looked at the clock, it was already past eleven, and the hour hand was getting ready to point to midnight.

At a glance, it seemed to be somewhere between 11:45 and 11:50, but I couldn't tell exactly.

I could make out the thick, bold lines spaced five minutes apart...

But the tiny lines inside them looked far away one moment and close the next, so I couldn't tell which minute it was pointing to.

'Ugh... So how many minutes was that again...?'

It wasn't really important, but I didn't want to admit that I'd become someone who couldn't even read a clock, so I focused every bit of my attention on my eyes.

Staaare.

As I stared at it like I was having a staring contest with the clock, my vision began to swim.

The minute hand suddenly split into three, making it hard to tell which one was real.

"Minseo. Why have you been staring at the clock this whole time? Is something wrong with it?"

"...No! I was just thinking it's already midnight..."

It had only been a few hours since Hyunwoo brought me out early that morning. We'd eaten tteokbokki, showered right after, watched TV together, and played two rounds of cards, yet time had melted away.

'When you put it like that, that's quite a lot, huh?'

Still, it hadn't been time wasted. Hyunwoo's thoughtfulness in helping me get used to being in this house...

...and to living together with Hyunwoo had made the day pretty enjoyable, but...

My eyes were gradually closing and my vision growing blurry, probably because I'd been awake nearly all night yesterday.

Even if Hyunwoo had brought me out at nine, I hadn't slept more than a few hours.

'Though even taking that into account, this body does seem to need a lot of sleep.'

Normally, even if I hadn't gotten enough sleep, I could leave the fatigue for the next day and stay wide awake until dawn.

Unfortunately, ever since I got this body, I'd lost my immunity to sleepiness.

Even now, I was forcing my fading consciousness to stretch on, holding on by a thread in a painfully desperate effort.

I was so tired that it wouldn't have been strange at all if I'd collapsed and fallen asleep right there on the floor.

Yaaawn.

As I yawned widely and swayed from side to side, Hyunwoo came hazily into view, fidgeting with concern and twitching as if ready to catch me the instant I fell.

"Hey...! If you're sleepy, go sleep in the bedroom!"

'He really is a good guy.'

Relieved that Hyunwoo had been the last person I'd tried to contact, I let my body go completely limp, entrusting my consciousness to the distance as it slipped away.

Just before I lost consciousness, the sensation of falling stopped; Hyunwoo had thankfully caught me as I pitched forward.

'Hehe...'

Without thinking, I smiled faintly at the thought that I was being cherished as if I really were a little girl.

I couldn't tell whether this was happening only in my imagination or whether Hyunwoo could see it, too.

I found myself hoping he could see it.

It wasn't that I wanted to be treated like a girl, but I was so happy that I could ignore even that sort of feeling; I'd been longing for someone's warmth and searching for a reason to live in this world.

The world had clearly been telling me that there was no place left for me to live.

It had taken away even my identity and my body, my only assets, and subtly brought death close, driving me toward it.

Back when I was in middle school, I'd lost my parents in an accident and thought nothing could ever hurt more than that.

Yet the world showed me a cruelty that seemed to declare it wasn't over yet.

'I thought I'd gotten through it.'

After my parents disappeared, even the relatives I'd once been close to drifted away.

A nameless aunt. Even the uncles who used to play with me and make me laugh.

They abandoned me and distanced themselves, saying they couldn't afford to take care of me.

In the end, no one even arranged a funeral for my parents, and they were gone without leaving anything behind.

From my memories, too. From my heart, too.

What I was left with was a huge sum of money that was too much for a child to manage alone, and I remember suddenly being hit with things like rent and taxes that I didn't understand, blindly spending money to keep them at bay.

'And I even spent it on things I didn't need.'

The inheritance I'd received that way was almost gone by the time I graduated high school, and from then on, I desperately went around trying every avenue I could, staking everything on my one asset: a young, healthy body.

Luckily, just before I ran completely out of money, I managed to land a position at a small-to-medium-sized company.

I worked desperately. Really, I worked myself to the bone.

I took any means of earning money I could find, endured all kinds of insults, and fought tooth and nail to stay alive.

Then, at some point, money started trickling into my nearly empty bank account. It gave me hope.

'I thought if I built up experience and earned recognition, I could move to another company and at least live an ordinary life.'

I kept forcing together a heart already battered, frayed, and torn, my will shattered long ago, working like a machine.

When I thought I'd found my place, turning ceaselessly like a tiny cog inside a machine...

That's when the world, displeased with how I was doing, began laying hell before me all over again.

'I wanted to live. I just wanted to live.'

The phrase 'the whole world is out to get me' fit perfectly; the world had let me fight my way through despair and hell...

...only to let me climb back onto a normal path, burn my wings, and send me plummeting. I hated this world.

So I decided to die.

I thought that if I kept living like this, only my heart would rot, and even if I overcame being trapped in this tiny body, the next cruel twist of fate would come along and try to kill me.

'This is already one enormous current. The world's will, set in stone, sending wave after wave until I die.'

I'd even come to believe something so absurd it was almost like a religion.

That I would ultimately make myself and everyone around me unhappy, and that everything would eventually be taken from me.

So I didn't ask anyone else for help.

From the moment I became like this, I could have lied about my identity and gone to an orphanage, but I deliberately didn't.

I didn't want to cause anyone trouble.

I didn't want to become deeply entangled with anyone and end up hurting them.

'So I tried to deal with everything on my own, somehow...'

I thought I'd made a lot of efforts, like going to the community service center to get a new identity or looking for work.

But the only ways to keep living and earning money alone, without getting involved with anyone, were dirty jobs.

Even if I was going to die, I didn't want to leave the world I'd lived in.

In the end, as I tried to soothe my empty heart and resolved to die, I bought a utility rope.

Though it looked almost like a toy, it seemed sturdy enough to kill me.

In the end, I failed to die instantly and was bleeding out in agony when one message caught my eye.

'Tteokbokki... It looked delicious. It was warm.'

Hyunwoo's casual text, as if trying to convince me there was still a reason to live, had captured my heart.

'Anyone would've been fine. Anything would've been fine.'

But at that moment, the one who'd stirred up my desire to live so fiercely was none other than Hyunwoo.

Honestly, I wasn't even sure it had been the right choice.

Someday, I might end up hurting Hyunwoo, who was so close to me.

Because I'd lived a life closer to cold than warmth, I wasn't used to kindness, and Hyunwoo kept calling me cute and treating me like a child, as if seeing right through my heart.

Hyunwoo had forced his way into my heart, torn out all the pus packed inside, and filled it with sugar and chocolate.

Maybe that's why, in the end, I'd decided I wanted to live by entrusting my life to Hyunwoo one last time.

"Hyunwoo..."

Without realizing it, I let the name rise from my unconscious and spill into the air.

It spread into the shapeless void where nothing could be seen, then faded away.

Though it was almost a meaningless gesture, this pitch-black space drew me back into its arms, embracing my whole body and making me happy again.

The scent was so sweet it made me think that if paradise existed, this might be it.

Both my body and heart felt light, as if I were lying on a bed of clouds high in the sky.

A beam of light seeped through a gap in that space and shone down on the crown of my head, then moved gently back and forth, stroking me and soothing me—a warm light of salvation.

Unlike the world I'd lived in before, this warm and kind space melted away even my anxiety and finally set my mind free.

'Beautiful.'

Between the strands of consciousness growing faint and drifting away, happy memories flashed rapidly.

No, a moment? An instant? The very fragments of happiness, too difficult to explain in words.

And when I reached for the greatest pillar of support within me, it took shape and smiled at me.

"...Mmm..."

At some point, my eyes opened, and I realized sunlight was tickling my cheek.

I felt the cozy sensation of lying down somewhere.

It was striking how a cool breeze was blowing in through the window, as though morning had arrived.

"Uuugh...!"

I tried to stretch my body out, but felt something strange.

My body wouldn't move at all, as if I were paralyzed by sleep paralysis.

'I feel strangely uncomfortable and cramped, too.'

In the end, I turned my gaze and looked straight ahead again...

"Aaaah?!"

I saw Hyunwoo's sleeping face.

Hyunwoo was asleep on the bed, holding me tightly, with a happy smile on his face.