Chapter 30
"Minseo. You've got sauce on your cheek."
After we finished eating, Hyunwoo got up, cleaned everything away, and came back to me.
Seeing me, he pulled out a few tissues and approached as if he were about to wipe my mouth.
At his words, I realized that since I'd only been taking what Hyunwoo handed me, the area around my mouth might indeed be a little dirty.
'Now that I think about it, I might've gotten some around my mouth a few times while hastily taking bites?'
That meant the area around my mouth was probably covered in bits of chicken and sauce right now.
In other words, if I licked my mouth now, I might get to taste it again.
Lick.
"What..."
When I stuck out my tongue and licked around my mouth, Hyunwoo stared at me as if he couldn't believe what I'd done.
His cheeks seemed a little red, too...
Maybe it was because it was hot today? Yesterday had been unusually chilly, after all.
In the end, the tissues he'd pulled out to wipe my face were left clutched pointlessly in Hyunwoo's hand.
"...Eugh."
But contrary to my expectations, there was only sauce on my face, so it didn't taste very good.
"Why would you lick that up...? Doesn't it taste weird? Fishy... and bitter..."
Indeed, swallowing the sauce by itself left my mouth feeling thick and cloying, and its sticky texture was revolting.
It was salty and weird... and maybe it had hardened a little, because it even felt lumpy.
"...Still, maybe I've gotten used to it. It's not so bad I can't eat it."
The smell itself was mild, so apart from the scratchy feeling it left in my throat, it was edible.
Besides, it was all made from ingredients that were safe to eat.
My body just wasn't used to eating raw egg, but once I got used to it, I had a feeling I might actually like it.
"Then that's fine..."
It was a little striking how Hyunwoo, who'd been watching me strangely, turned his head as if awkwardly avoiding my gaze.
Does Hyunwoo dislike fishy flavors?
Was it really that shocking that I said eating it raw wasn't bad? He even covered his face with one hand and sighed.
People's tastes are just a matter of personal preference, after all.
Surprisingly, I thought I might come to like that sauce after a few tries.
Enough that I could even drizzle it over tteokbokki.
"By the way, what's gotten into you? Usually you just leave me alone, but now you're asking me to eat breakfast with you?"
I couldn't help wondering if this was really Hyunwoo, who'd had so little interest in other people.
Wasn't the only time Hyunwoo had ever woken me up in the morning the day he kidnapped me, when I happened to wake up?
"Oh, that... It's just... it'd be nice to eat together and stuff. It makes it feel more like we're family..."
"Ah..."
It seemed that, in Hyunwoo's heart, I was now considered a member of his family.
Though he tried to act like it wasn't so, perhaps losing his cat in high school had affected him quite deeply.
It was just sad to see him trying to fill the empty space left by that family member with someone as insignificant as me.
So, just as I'd promised myself before...
"Yeah. You're right... This really does make us feel like a proper family."
If Hyunwoo wanted, I'd become something like his pet.
If that was what Hyunwoo's broken heart needed, and if I was the only one who could fill that empty space...
Then even if I had to shave away a piece of my own heart, I'd make it fit.
Because Hyunwoo was kind, and I could trust him.
"Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't paid enough attention to you all this time... I even wondered if my clumsy attempts to help had only made things harder for you."
Hyunwoo lowered his head, his voice strangely subdued.
He must have been blaming himself for my running away.
'Normally... you'd think he'd get angry and ask why I'd broken my promise when he'd made sure I had everything I needed.'
But Hyunwoo didn't.
The most he'd done was grab my arm and yank me back as if he wouldn't let me slip away again.
And even that hadn't been to scold or punish me; it had come from Hyunwoo's sadness at the thought of losing someone precious to him.
Unlike selfish me, Hyunwoo was so kind...
"I'm sorry. I couldn't get the words out yesterday, so I wasn't able to apologize properly..."
Looking at Hyunwoo, still hanging his head, I knelt and apologized.
...My knees hurt.
What on earth was this body's durability made of?
"Hey, hey! Why are you kneeling...?! I did wrong too, so what does it make me if you do that?! Huh? This looks all wrong!"
Hyunwoo rushed over, slipped his arms under my armpits, and pulled me straight up.
Thanks to him, I was lifted into the air, and my bent knees quickly began to straighten.
'I've felt this for a while, but Hyunwoo really likes doing this.'
Could he really think of me as a cat?
"...I'm sorry."
I apologized briefly once more.
At that, he sighed again, then sat on the sofa with me still in his arms.
I ended up being placed right beside Hyunwoo, as naturally as could be.
I wondered if we were sitting too close, but if Hyunwoo thought of me as a pet, maybe this wasn't really that close.
I simply waited for Hyunwoo to speak, looking up at him intently.
"Ugh... Don't stare at me like that. It feels weird."
But, as expected, Hyunwoo turned away as if making eye contact up close with me—someone who'd once been a man too—was unpleasant for him.
Hmm... I still couldn't figure out Hyunwoo's sense of personal space.
We could sleep cuddled up, but making eye contact was a no...
Was it because cuddling was just a sensation, and he didn't have to look at me?
"So, why did you leave?"
After I turned my head back to stare vacantly ahead, Hyunwoo spoke after a brief silence.
This must have been what he'd wanted to talk to me about since this morning. I could feel the mood grow heavy.
'Ah... I feel like he's going to look at me like I'm ridiculous if I tell him...'
Still, for now, Hyunwoo was something like my guardian.
He had every right to know, so I forced myself to say what I didn't want to and faced him as I spoke.
"Well... I thought I was only causing trouble. You have your own life and your own future, Hyunwoo, but because of me..."
As I kept talking, gloom gradually seeped into my voice, making it quieter.
In the end, I couldn't finish the sentence and let my voice trail off, leaving it as my answer.
Believing he'd understand what I meant, I pressed my lips shut.
If I said any more, I felt like I would start crying.
"You tried to leave because you thought you were only causing me trouble?"
I quietly nodded.
It was true that I was causing financial trouble by living at Hyunwoo's place, and that I was taking up his time, too.
It also felt like I was making him spend time on me that he would usually spend socializing with other people.
When I thought about the world's unfairness eventually turning against Hyunwoo, it was almost impossible to see things in a positive light.
I couldn't be sure that turning into a girl was the last of my misfortunes.
"Did you have anywhere to go if you left?"
This time, I shook my head.
If I had, I wouldn't have thought about dying in the first place.
Without living with Hyunwoo in this house, I would've kept living alone, without any ties to anyone else.
"Who was that girl yesterday? And what are these clothes?"
Hyunwoo pressed me for answers, digging deeper into what had happened yesterday.
Realizing that nodding or shaking my head wouldn't answer him anymore, I took a moment to steady my breathing.
I had to tell him... that I'd tried to kill myself.
"Actually, yesterday, I tried to kill myself... because I hated myself. I was disgusted with myself for being nothing but a burden... I tried to jump off a bridge, but I was scared. I didn't want to fall, so I held on, but I'd already run out of strength... That's when that girl saved me."
This time, I tried to keep my emotions in check and speak slowly, so I wouldn't get cut off in the middle.
My throat kept tightening and I felt choked up, but the slow pace and deep breaths were definitely helping.
Because I'd decided that Hyunwoo and I would keep living together from now on.
I'd have to act more shameless and ordinary around Hyunwoo, so I pushed those thoughts away.
As long as Hyunwoo needed me, I couldn't let myself be swallowed up by my depression and make him worry.
"The things you gave me... I'm sorry. They got dirty and worn, so I threw them away... These clothes are from that girl, Jimin, too."
"......"
Hyunwoo listened to me quietly.
He briefly closed his eyes, then looked at me with concern and asked me something.
"Were you lonely...? Even though I always told you that you weren't a burden. Did you worry that you were unwanted because I wasn't paying enough attention to you?"
I wasn't sure.
I had only been dwelling on the fact that I was a burden. I'd never thought about the reasons in such specific terms.
Maybe Hyunwoo was right.
Maybe it was precisely because I'd never felt needed that his consideration had sunk in even more.
In the end, it was selfishness once again.
A foolish person who couldn't even be satisfied in this moment, crying out to my savior for attention and love.
Wasn't what I was doing basically no different from blackmail?
As if to say, if you don't give me more affection, I'll die.
"I'm sorry..."
In the end, I couldn't give him a clear answer and could only repeat my apology.
Perhaps Hyunwoo was frustrated, too. He made a gesture as if clutching his chest.
"Haa... Minseo. No, never mind. You mean you don't know why you need me, right? Fine. I'll make you feel it in your bones from now on."
"...?"
"But promise me one thing. Don't make decisions and act on your own anymore. Ask me, talk to me, and then act. Got it?"
I couldn't tell exactly what Hyunwoo meant by that, but I nodded for the moment.
Well, I'd tried to kill myself so suddenly, after all.
It would be uncomfortable to have to ask permission for everything I did, but I could understand why.
There was just one thing I was worried about...
"Um, the bathroom..."
"...That's the exception. You don't have to tell me. Just go."