Chapter 195
The story continues off the page
The Last Dance Before Midnight
A masked dragon asks the lanternwright for one slow dance
Valdrova thought this every time she met Ferda.
She wanted to spend time alone with him.
They always met as just the two of them, but it was never completely just the two of them.
Luri was always there too.
She told herself to think of Luri as part of the scenery, but how could she?
There had been many times she was grateful Luri was by her side.
Whenever it was hard for the two of them to bring up a topic, Luri would toss one out, letting them continue the conversation.
But she truly needed time alone with Ferda.
Even if they both lost their way, she wanted them to take their time and overcome it together.
This was close to the time alone together she had occasionally dreamed of.
‘Not that this was the situation.’
They were trapped in a sealed room, and Ferda was suffering terribly.
Was there nothing she could do for him?
Valdrova wiped his sweat with the handkerchief she had prepared.
She had worried he might scream when he raised his head, but fortunately, he did not.
Instead, he began to talk about something.
“You…….”
He said,
“Are you tight-lipped?”
Me?
Was she tight-lipped?
This was the first time he had ever asked her something.
‘Am I?’
She didn’t know.
Many people came and told her their stories.
At first, she wondered if they were consulting her, but they would unburden themselves one-sidedly, then leave looking refreshed.
‘In a way, isn’t that counseling too?’
She didn’t know what to call it, but that wasn’t important now.
Valdrova answered for the moment.
……Nod, nod.
“I see……. You said you spent several months here without speaking to anyone…… so I suppose you must be.”
So he knew a certain amount about her.
She was happy he wasn’t completely indifferent.
That happiness did not last long.
“To be honest, I didn’t care for you.”
….
“When you refused the title of knight and said you would live as a laborer, I thought you were plotting some kind of conspiracy.”
….
“That suspicion lasted only a moment, though. You weren’t the sort of person who would do that.”
The armored knight raised their head.
Had he seen through her disguise?
But the look in Ferda’s eyes did not come from any positive feelings.
The disillusionment in his gaze hurt her.
“And…… I apologize.”
?
“I shouted at you. It wasn’t something one should do to someone who cared about him.”
Nod.
Valdrova understood.
Because she firmly believed Ferda was not that kind of person.
Ferda swallowed his hesitation and continued speaking.
“I couldn’t help it. I don’t know why, but…… I kept seeing an image of her overlaid on you.”
?
“My fiancée.”
!!
Valdrova was startled.
She had thought she was making her mannerisms as manly as possible.
Although Luri had said, ‘It looks like something out of a children’s game of house,’ she believed other people would not be so perceptive.
Could it be that Ferda had known who she was all along?
Seeing Valdrova’s reaction, Ferda let out a small breath.
“Yes, it’s strange. How could I see her in someone like you?”
“……”
“But this has been happening often lately. Do you remember that high elf?”
Nod, nod.
“I even sensed my fiancée’s form in her—or rather, him.”
Ah.
That was rather disappointing……
Valdrova fidgeted with her fingers and focused on Ferda’s face.
Ferda continued speaking.
“I’m saying this because…… I feel as though I’ll die if I don’t say it, even now.”
It didn’t matter.
If it helped him, she thought anything was fine.
“Apparently, that isn’t the case.”
All she received in return was disheartening news.
“My Circles…… are gradually reaching their limit.”
“……”
“There are two Circles in my body. Their names are different, but both are things forged from my emotions.”
Ferda placed a hand over his dantian.
“If the Red Circle stops, it becomes dangerous enough to kill me. But if I let it run unchecked, it becomes even more dangerous.”
“……”
“Right now, one of them is spinning violently.”
She fidgeted restlessly.
How could she help him?
Ferda’s eyes turned toward Valdrova.
Her whole body seemed at a loss for how to respond.
That, in turn, made it easier for him to continue speaking.
“That thing called Trauma…… seems to show people the thing humans fear most—the thing they regret.”
“……”
“Do you know what I saw in that Trauma?”
His throat caught as he wondered whether he could say this.
But in the end, he forced it out.
“I saw her…… pulling out her own heart and handing it to me.”
Valdrova’s fidgeting fingers stopped.
It felt as though her heart stopped.
Had that horrifying illusion tormented him this much?
“That image was the thing I feared and regretted most.”
Why?
Valdrova forced the question back down.
She had never taken out her heart, nor done anything so painful……
‘So in the end…… this happened because of me.’
Her chest grew heavy.
As it grew heavier, Ferda’s breathing became increasingly labored.
“I can’t help thinking that today might be my last day.”
This side of Ferda was utterly unfamiliar to Valdrova.
This was the side of himself Ferda never showed her.
And the side he never showed the public either.
She had thought Ferda was an exceptionally strong person.
The things he fashioned with such ease were wondrous, and people looked up to him.
She had thought worries were merely fences he could easily vault.
But she was wrong.
In the end, Ferda was also human, someone who could be broken someday.
Something was spinning violently in Ferda’s lower abdomen.
Even as he spoke, the shadows were spinning the Shadow Circle as they pleased.
He groaned on the bed from the pain of his insides being wrung out.
“Ugh……. Aah…….”
At the instant it reached its peak, all the pain vanished.
A new layer formed beneath Ferda’s dantian, building upward.
As the knot formed, Ferda felt it clearly.
“Ugh……!”
Rather than being resolved, that terrifying emotion was trying to burrow into Ferda’s heart.
It was trying to make him relive a future in which he wandered amid anger and hatred that had lost their purpose.
Ferda’s resolve was firm.
“Even if only once…….”
He would remain human rather than become a monster.
“I wanted to call her name again…….”
Ferda leaned forward and placed a hand on his chest.
His vision blurred as it dropped toward the floor.
He squeezed out the last of his mental strength to gather mana to take his own life.
“Elinore…….”
“No!”
A clear voice held Ferda back.
In his fading vision, he saw the armored knight for the last time.
The armored knight was running toward him.
The only difference was that something was bursting from it, as if tearing its way out of a shed chrysalis.
The contents were bright red.
“Mr. Ferda!”
A familiar, lovely voice pierced his ears.
It belonged to Valdrova.
But he did not believe it.
That voice would turn back into the man’s voice again.
“I’m right here!”
Ferda’s falling body was supported by something soft.
A sweet scent rose from her skin.
If this were real, he would be doing something terribly embarrassing and sacrilegious, with his face buried in her chest.
“I’m right here…… so please don’t suffer anymore……!”
She pleaded in a voice that sounded as though she might cry.
He had no intention of waking from the dream, no matter how much time passed.
Ferda looked up at Valdrova with dazed eyes.
Red hair, golden eyes, and two pairs of horns.
No matter how many times he blinked, the figure remained the same.
“My light…… Elinore.”
“Yes, I’m here.”
“Why are you here……?”
“Because…… I’ve been here from the beginning.”
“You’ve been here from the beginning? That’s…….”
Ferda did not believe such an absurd story.
With the scant consciousness he had managed to hold on to, he could only answer this way.
‘I see…… am I dreaming right now?’
He wondered if Trauma had gotten to him.
Yet strangely, it did not feel like a nightmare.
Under normal circumstances, this was a situation in which he had to return to his senses immediately.
Yet ironically, Ferda’s reason screamed at him to stay as he was.
Because of that hallucination, the part of Ferda’s heart that the Shadow Circle had been trying to devour was returning wholly to him.
It was as warm as a hut he had found after becoming stranded on a snowy mountain.
‘If I can avoid regret, even like this…….’
Would it be better to follow his desire instead?
Then there would be at least a small chance.
Ferda carefully slipped out of her embrace and stood there.
Her golden eyes were moist, more beautiful than any jewel.
“Elinore.”
“Yes.”
“Elinore…….”
“Y-yes…….”
Ferda kept calling her name over and over.
Valdrova tried to lower her head in embarrassment.
“You mustn’t.”
At the sensation of a hand touching her cheek, Valdrova was startled.
Ferda raised his hand and forcibly tilted her face up.
“Please show me your face.”
“Ah, n-nooo…….”
“Then please try to resist.”
Valdrova was vastly stronger than he was.
If she wished, she could shake him off at any time.
Valdrova did not resist.
No, she couldn’t.
Those eyes, as if he were intoxicated by something.
Looking into them made her feel as though her entire body were turning to stone.
Besides, her heart was beating so wildly that she was too busy trying to calm it.
Her body was moving obediently under Ferda’s hands.
Seeing that, Ferda became certain once again.
“As I thought, this isn’t real.”
“But I’m real…….”
Valdrova insisted in a whimper like a sick chick.
Yet Ferda smiled faintly at the sight.
“So…… I’m a little relieved. If you were real, I wouldn’t be able to touch you like this.”
Is that…… a good thing?
Since Ferda said so, Valdrova supposed it must be.
“Elinore. There’s something I’m curious about.”
“Y-yes?”
“Do you dislike the name…… I gave you?”
“I, um…… well…….”
Valdrova fidgeted.
“Actually…… when you call me that, Mr. Ferda, I get all weird…….”
“Then…… if I meet you again, would it be better if I didn’t call you by that name?”
Valdrova could not answer.
She couldn’t speak easily, feeling as though not words but her inverted stomach might spill from her mouth.
Instead, she shook her head vigorously.
“I see. Understood.”
“……”
“Would you show me your face?”
He forcibly lifted the face hidden behind her hands.
Her face was flushed bright red, her lips tightly closed and her eyes shut.
Seeing her like that, Ferda felt something surge within him.
‘It’s spinning.’
Ferda’s Red Circle, which the Shadow Circle had been trying to consume.
It was spinning vigorously.
‘If not now…… I won’t be able to restore the balance.’
Even if she was an illusion, his love for her did not change.
Ferda decided to ride this momentum.
“Elinore.”
“Yes.”
“What I saw in Trauma…… was you pulling out your heart and giving it to me.”
“M-my heart, you mean?”
“Yes……. Right here…….”
Ferda raised his free hand and touched Valdrova’s skin.
“Right here, you were giving me…….”
“Hic!”
At the daring touch he would normally never have dared, she let out a hiccup.
With his hand resting on her chest, Valdrova’s head spun.
She wanted to run away.
She wanted to break through that door right now and flee far away.
But if she did, Mr. Ferda would not be able to escape this space, so she had to endure it.
Ferda did not withdraw his hand.
His index finger found her pulse, and he smiled.
“Your heart…… is beating. Quite vigorously.”
“Y-yes, it’s beating, thump-thump-thump……!”
“Elinore, Elinore…….”
“Y-yes, yes!”
“I’m glad I can confirm that.”
“I-is that so……?”
“I was afraid you might lose your heart.”
His softened tone let Valdrova set aside her embarrassment for a moment.
“Does it not hurt anymore?”
“No. It still hurts.”
“What? Why?”
“Because of you.”
“Me? Then there must be something wrong……”
“It’s all right. It isn’t a bad kind of pain.”
The Shadow Circle stopped, while the Red Circle above it began to beat.
“It’s spinning right now thanks to you.”
“It’s…… spinning?”
“This feeling of loving you…… is spinning like this right now.”
“I-I see…….”
“Would you like to feel it?”
“Yes. ……Yes?’
Before she could resolve the question of what he meant,
Ferda carefully took Valdrova’s hand.
His slender, warm hand guided hers.
“Can you feel it?”
He carefully brought her hand toward his dantian.
Valdrova’s face turned bright red, and she stammered.
Though it was through several layers of clothing, Valdrova felt it clearly.
The turbulent energy spinning inside Ferda’s body flowed along her fingers.
Valdrova realized she had swallowed the forbidden fruit.
She did not even know what to call this, but the act made her heart pound beyond what she could bear.
What should she call it?
Love?
If this was called love, then love was merciless violence, something like an unbearable calamity.
Boom—.
Eventually, her head exploded.
Her tongue tangled, and language melted away.
“Elinore.”
“Y-yes……”
“I’ve constantly imagined you, but this is the first time it’s ever spun this much.”
“I-I seeee……!”
“Amazing. I feel it every time, but…… still.”
Regardless, Ferda continued speaking.
“Hatred and anger have always tormented me. The regret left behind by them torments me as well.”
His blue eyes held Valdrova fast.
“But this moment is different.”
He said,
“You make me whole.”
Valdrova knew what that meant.
She often felt the same whenever she was with Ferda.
“Elinore.”
“Y-yes……?”
“Could you grant me one request, just this once?”
“What kind of……?”
“When I saw your face, there was something I wanted to do.”
Her face was bright red.
What did he want to do to that face she wanted to hide, worried that her blemishes might show?
“I was afraid you might hate me terribly, and that I might defile you because you’re so pure, so I was too scared to do it.”
“M-Mr. Ferda…….”
It was already so hard to endure this; what more did he want to do?
Valdrova had no idea what he was trying to do.
But something caught her eye.
His moist gaze and lips that gleamed with it.
Those lips looked incredibly soft and beautiful.
Her pounding heart surpassed its limit and instead began to calm.
It was on an entirely different level from how it had pounded only moments ago.
Ferda did not wait for Valdrova’s consent.
Valdrova did not resist or refuse either.
She moved as instinct led her.
She lifted her head to meet his face and closed her eyes.
She felt Ferda’s hands against both her cheeks.
Her waiting lips tingled.
And then he—
“Huh……?”
caught both of Valdrova’s cheeks in his hands.
She wondered what he intended to do, but he simply pressed his thumbs into her cheeks again and again.
As if kneading rice cake.
“M-Mr. Feeerda?”
“Yes.”
“W-what is this……?”
“This is what I wanted to do.”
His eyes shone with innocent light.
“I’ve always wanted to touch both your cheeks.”
“Mmmm……?”
What was this?
What Valdrova had been waiting for was certainly something entirely different from this.
It should have been something bolder, something that skipped the steps altogether and leaped forward in one bound.
But she couldn’t bring herself to say that.
“They’re so soft, hehe…….”
Ferda’s expression was more relaxed than ever.
They say one cannot spit in the face of someone who is smiling, and the sight of his smiling face made her language melt away once more.
If she opened her mouth, an ugly babble would surely spill out.
Meanwhile, the thing spinning violently inside Ferda gradually began to stabilize.
It settled into the form of an even larger, smoother sphere.
As its form became complete, her composure, barely held together, collapsed.
Valdrova carefully laid him against her chest.
Stroking his head, she whispered,
“You…… did well.”
Seeing him relaxed made her feel lighter too.
Ferda looked like a baby asleep.
Wouldn’t it be better to let him sleep a little longer like this?
She wanted a little more time alone with him, but that wish was not to be fulfilled.
The door that had not budged opened again.