Chapter 44
Fuck.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
'~@%~!@*//%@#%@@!?#'
[Get a grip, Alice! Stop using language only Abyssals would understand! She doesn't seem to know yet?! If we clean this up now, we can get past it!]
'Is that... so?'
-Tremble tremble tremble tremble
I almost got fucked.
I really almost got fucked.
Actually, I don't even know if it still ends with 'almost.' I may already be completely fucked.
There is a dick involved, but not that kind of dick.
Honestly, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
The aftermath of using Stellar Shift on three people at once had my head feeling like it was splitting, and something precious had been defiled while I was defenseless. How could I possibly be fine?
"Miss Alice...? Are you all right?"
-Flinch!
I wanted nothing more than to crawl into some mouse hole and hide, but reality wasn't so kind.
Since I was sitting there trembling and unable to do anything, Sapphire must have been worried, so I forced myself to speak as casually as possible—but...
"I-I-I-I'm fine. A-Alice c-couldn't possibly be u-unwell, c-could she?"
The fluster and fear that had already spread through my entire body couldn't be hidden even by Alice's well-practiced persona.
I ended up speaking in a tone that would make anyone—not just someone familiar with Alice—think, 'She's not okay right now.'
-Tremble tremble
-Press
'I-I didn't give myself away, did I? She doesn't know, right? Does she think it was my wand? Or my leg? What if she knows but is pretending not to?'
My legs instinctively drew together, and my hand pressed firmly down on my skirt.
If there had been a mirror, I would have looked like a girl who had just suffered some unspeakable violation, but unfortunately there was no mirror here, and I couldn't see what I looked like myself.
"...?"
Questions began spreading through Sapphire's eyes as she looked at me.
The best thing to do right now would have been to pretend nothing had happened—to respond confidently, as if asking what the fuss was about, so the other person wouldn't even know what had happened—but in the eight years I'd lived as Alice, I'd never been this cornered, and I was practically panicking.
No matter how practiced I was at playing Alice, staying calm in a situation like this wasn't easy.
"...I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking anything improper. I couldn't see, so I just grabbed whatever I could, but I didn't realize you'd be so sensitive about it."
"Ah... ah...?"
"...Um, I just came to my senses, so what exactly is going on?"
While I was still panicking, Mia, who had fallen with us but had only just come to after being dazed, joined the scene.
"I... grabbed Miss Alice's body to untangle us when we were all tangled together... I think it was her leg. Maybe it was a sensitive area, because Miss Alice is like this now..."
"...Just where did you grab her leg for her to react like that...?"
"I couldn't see, but... I think it was inside her skirt."
"That would be sensitive... It's not something you can easily show other people, even if they're both women..."
...A leg?
She thinks I grabbed her... leg?
[S-See? Isn't this good? No. It's good!]
'I... suppose it is.'
Even so, how could anyone mistake that for a leg—no, whatever. If she didn't find out, it was fine.
Yes. I touched her leg.
Let's think of it that way.
"...I'm really sorry. I don't know if an apology is enough, but..."
"L-let's... deal with the Abyssal first."
"Ah... right. The Abyssal takes priority. Then... I'll go ahead, so Miss Mia, please look after Miss Alice. She seems to need some peace of mind and rest."
"Yes! Leave her to me!"
-Dash!
Sapphire left me in Mia's care and ran in the direction the Abyssal had appeared.
'...What about me?'
In an ordinary situation, no one would have considered an S-rank like Alice out of the fight, but seeing Sapphire leave me with Mia and run out...
'...Tokkaengi, what does my face look like for her to act like that?'
[You look like you've seen a ghost. And since you're still trembling slightly, it wouldn't be strange for her to decide you can't fight right now.]
'...I feel like I've been ruining Alice's persona a lot lately.'
This is why I hate people.
No matter how hard I try to maintain Alice's persona, I'm still a person in the end.
The more time I spent with other people, the more chances there were for my flaws to show, and sooner or later, my true self would inevitably show through bit by bit like this.
To prevent that, I'd have to behave completely like Alice even unconsciously... but that would be a mental illness. In the end, realistically, avoiding other people as much as possible was the only option available to me.
"Um... don't worry too much, Miss Alice. I noticed there are a lot of famous magical girls here. Judging by the energy I sense, it's about a B-rank Abyssal, so they'll defeat it soon."
"I... see."
"Hmm... Would it be safer outside than here? Should we move? Can you stand? If not, I can support..."
"N-no, no. I'm fine. I'll just rest like this for a little while."
I hurriedly cut off Mia's help as she naturally tried to lift me up.
N...now was really not a good time to move.
"Did you injure your leg?!"
"No... I'm really fine, so... please let me calm down a little."
...I pressed down on my skirt again and began counting sheep in my head.
"I-I'll do anything I can to help..."
-Jiggle
'...Please just go away.'
Seriously.
I don't think I've ever had a day when it was this hard to live as a magical girl.
* * *
By the time I had calmed down, it was already over.
It had been only a B-rank Abyssal. Strictly speaking, a B-rank wasn't so insignificant as to warrant calling it 'only,' but it had attacked Emerald's company, where dozens of magical girls happened to be gathered, so it was only natural that it hadn't taken long to defeat.
"Aaaah! I just had all the walls repainted not long ago!"
"...Please calm down, Chairwoman. Damage caused by Abyssals is covered by insurance too, isn't it?"
"Even so, how much will repainting cost... We barely have enough money to spend on our juniors, and now we have to waste it on a building like this..."
...And the building's owner was none other than Emerald. There was no need for Alice to join in.
The damage inflicted on the building by the rock golem-type B-rank Abyssal was quite an unreal sight.
The damage was comparable to five or six large trucks crashing through the building's exterior wall, but only that section of wall had been destroyed; there was no sign of the entire building collapsing or suffering damage of that sort.
It was a scene that proved that, no matter how good modern construction technology was, the building itself had been imbued with a certain amount of magic.
And there I was...
-Demurely
"...But why is Alice sitting like that?"
"She expended too much magic power evacuating Miss Sapphire and Miss Mia to safety during the attack, so she's resting."
"Ah, that teleportation? It's hard to do that with several people at once. No wonder she's tired."
"She isn't tired. That much is nothing to Alice."
"If she were fine, she'd have been the first one out to smash the Abyssal's skull. I guess she isn't as lively as she used to be. Want your big sis to help?"
"Hmph, don't belittle Alice."
...Even if this time could be chalked up to bad luck, it was true that Alice wasn't like she used to be.
A magical girl like Emerald had probably known that for a long time.
Compared to when the real Alice had been active as a first-generation magical girl, the Alice of today had grown incredibly weak.
I was grateful that she didn't ask about it and simply assumed there were circumstances behind it.
-Vwoong...
"There was a little trouble in the middle, but it ended well... If you receive treatment one more time tomorrow, it'll be over. Thank you for your hard work, Miss Alice."
"You worked harder than I did, Miss Mia."
"Come on, after everything I owe you, I can at least do this much for you, senpai. All you have to do is get better soon."
...Sigh.
When had Alice ever shown so much weakness?
The idol of everyone, the magical girl who never lost. That was Alice, but so many of the things she'd shown other people recently had been completely unlike that.
Maybe I could only restore things by cutting off all contact with everyone and working quietly once filming ended.
The one saving grace was that there didn't seem to be any magical girls who would go around saying, 'Alice isn't actually that strong; apparently she just pretends to be,' but...
'...Or maybe I can't be sure.'
Magical girls can't be trusted.
No, before that, humans can't be trusted.
What you see on the outside isn't everything. Humans can hide a knife behind a smile, and they can change at any time.
...Just like that person did.
"Then Alice will be heading home now. I have to prepare for tomorrow's shoot too."
"Oh, is the shoot still happening tomorrow?"
"Since the damage didn't reach the filming location, there shouldn't be a problem proceeding as scheduled. But Miss Alice..."
"I told you, I'm fine. Alice was only flustered. She wasn't hurt or injured at all."
...Come to think of it, I wondered what image of Alice the two of them—Sapphire and Mia—had now.
They must think I was a strong, cool senior, but it had all been a persona, and in reality I was human enough to properly lose my temper and even space out when things got difficult...
I absolutely hated physical contact and was extremely sensitive, trembling over nothing more than an accidental touch...
'...They won't think of me as a man.'
Honestly, even to me, I looked like a very oversensitive woman. If I put the best spin on it, perhaps a sheltered young lady.
I looked perfectly female on the outside. Even a man probably wouldn't react like that.
...I hadn't intended to act that way, but after playing Alice for so long, I suppose it had become ingrained in my body.
"Right. If you say you'll do it, then you'll do it. You've always managed everything, haven't you?"
"That's right. Alice never fails."
"Still, don't push yourself too hard. Sometimes you look a little dangerous, you know. It's good that you're always working hard, but magical girls are people too. You need to rest properly when it's time to rest."
...She's right.
I knew that too, but putting it into practice wasn't easy.
I... had a duty to fill the void left by Alice.
If my abilities weren't enough, I had no choice but to make up the shortfall through sheer volume.
So...
"I'll think about it."
A vacation was... quite a distant prospect for someone like me, who couldn't apply the brakes on my own.