Chapter 39
Clan 'Alf' (2)
Bad news. What I thought was an elegant maid turned out to have once been a useless old man.
Not a Riko-senpai type. Something even more pathetic.
"I mean, womanizing and manizing..."
"Kyaa☆ Otaku-kun, to think that's the first thing you focus on! You're such a pervert! I don't think anything lewd is okay! Night pools are for people twenty and up!"
"Please shut the hell up, fake gyaru-senpai."
"You wanna go, punk!?"
Ignoring Riko-senpai's growling, I turned my gaze toward Inubozaki-san.
He gave me a confident thumbs-up for some reason.
"Yeah. I'm into both. Well, ever since I got this body, I've been afraid of becoming a full-fledged maid, so I haven't played around with either side!"
"Oh. Right."
What should I do? I had no idea what to call this person.
"I'm stuck with this body for the rest of my life... It's a sad thing, that."
"Ah, right."
I almost said, "Wouldn't it be better if you stayed in that body forever?" but even I knew better.
Legal gambling aside, his other hobbies were so far beyond the pale that he was barely human.
"Usually, I use another clan member as a 'service punching bag' to work off my urges somehow. But they've been away for a while because of school. So I'm a little backed up today."
"I think that's the first time I've ever heard the phrase 'service punching bag.'"
Inubozaki-san gave me a needlessly practiced wink.
"Heh... I guess I just took your first time."
"Don't phrase it weirdly."
"Eek☆ Otaku-kun and Mei-yan are getting into a forbidden relationship!"
"Don't get weird ideas."
"Otaku-kun! Aren't you way harsher on me than everyone else!?"
"Don't worry. I only say things like this to you."
"Otaku-kun...! So you trust me that much...!"
"Yes. I have negative trust in you."
"Miyucchi! Otaku-kun's bullying me!"
"This tea and these sweets are delicious."
"You're ignoring me!? This kid is way too much of a go-his-own-way type! What kind of upbringing did you give him, Otaku-kun!?"
"If anything, I'd say that's your influence."
More specifically, I think it's the result of Riko-senpai's proselytizing.
When did Takanashi-san become so thick-skinned...? No, that's rude to say about a woman.
Besides, her actual waist was incredibly slender and... No, bad. Thinking about what happened the other day was making my ears burn.
"Oh myyy? Otaku-kun's ears are red! What's wrong, nya~? Did you catch a cold, nya~? Nya-nya-nya~?"
"Oh? Dirty fantasies, huh? You imagined something, huh? If you want to talk smut, I'm always game, kid. Relax, I keep my mouth shut! Trust me!"
Damn it, an idiot and a bad adult had gathered around me!
I twisted my mouth into a frown shaped like Mount Fuji and looked away. If I could just hold out until Master came, she would surely drive off these wicked, tyrannical weirdos...!
What, you ask why I don't fight back myself? Would you ask a Pomeranian to fight a pack of crocodiles?
───Clang-a-ling.
The instant the doorbell rang, Inubozaki-san transformed into an elegant maid.
When had he stood up? He walked toward the door with demure gestures and bowed elegantly.
Besides, I thought the place was reserved today. Which meant that whoever had come in could only be a clan member.
"Welcome home, my lady."
"Yeah. I'm home."
The person standing there was a woman who seemed to be an ability user, judging by the amount of mana she possessed.
She had messy hair and sleepy eyes. Combined with her stooped posture and sickly pale skin, she looked anything but healthy.
She wore a baggy green hoodie, black track pants, and sneakers—a remarkably casual outfit.
Her features were attractive, and she seemed to be about college age, but there was none of that mature older-sister vibe about her.
The woman entering handed the bag tucked under her arm to Inubozaki-san with practiced ease, then looked toward us.
"Huh? Oh, you're the rumored rookies? Nice to meet you."
"Ah, hello. I'm Yahiro Kōta."
"I'm Takanashi Miyu. Nice to meet you."
As we hurriedly stood and introduced ourselves, her sleepy eyes suddenly gleamed.
"Huh... One looks like he'd appear in a women's eroge, and the other in a men's eroge."
"...Uh-huh."
There were so many openings for retorts, but I somehow swallowed my words. I couldn't treat someone I'd just met the way I treated Riko-senpai.
What about Inubozaki-san? Well, there was no point wasting effort trying to be considerate toward that one.
The woman chuckled as I broke into a cold sweat.
"Oops. Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean it in a bad way. Whenever I find someone who looks like they could model for a painting, words just slip out."
"A model for a painting...?"
"I'm aiming to go pro, you know. While attending university."
The woman pointed to herself with her thumb.
"I'm Kamishiro Kinue. I'm twenty-one. You can just call me Kamishiro-san."
"Ah, okay. Nice to meet you, Kamishiro-san."
"Just kidding. Kinue is fine."
"No, um... Kinue-san."
"You're awfully stiff, for someone with the face of a pretty-boy princess."
"Who are you calling a pretty-boy princess?"
Ah, I had reflexively answered normally.
...Wait, was denying "pretty-boy princess" really a normal response?
"Well, look at you, finding your voice. How about dressing up as a landmine-style girl and modeling for me next time? I'll pay you, eventually."
"No. Absolutely not."
"Yahiro-san."
"Takanashi-san?"
Turning at her clear voice, I saw Takanashi-san looking at me with serious eyes.
"You're really not going to do it...?!"
"I'm not. Eat your cake."
"Okay..."
Hey, Riko-senpai. Did you really only show this person Kamen Rai●er? You didn't show her some other weird stuff, did you?
When I gave the self-proclaimed gyaru a suspicious look, she quietly looked away. Definitely guilty.
As I swore to myself that I would snitch to Master later, Kinue-san chuckled.
"Well, if you've turned me down, it can't be helped. I'll just draw you from my imagination someday."
"No, please don't. Besides, who'd want to see me in women's clothes?"
"I would! One person right here!"
"I won't let you be alone! I'm looking forward to it too!"
"Shut up, fake gyaru and loser."
"I'm not fake!"
"Stop. Please stop. Whenever I hear the phrase 'loser,' my desire to serve goes aaaaaaah!"
"Ah, sorry about that."
Inubozaki-san was spasming violently. It might have been indecent of me, but the motion was making her breasts jiggle violently.
Oh, jiggle, jiggle... I felt like Kinue-san's arrival had lowered the average bust size, but her presence made up for it.
"Inubozaki. Tea."
"Yes, my lady."
At Kinue-san's word, Inubozaki-san responded instantly.
It was such a stunning performance of a maid that I could only stare. In no time, and without a sound, she had prepared tea and sweets.
Kinue-san accepted the service as though it were only natural.
"Oh, so that's what 'service punching bag' means."
"Exactly! Kinucchi is hopeless at everyday life, so if Mei-yan doesn't take care of her, she's the type who'd probably just quietly die before she noticed."
"Thanks for the explanation, fake gyaru. Why don't you finally admit you're not an 'otaku-friendly gyaru' but an 'otaku girl who looks like a gyaru'?"
"Shut up! I'm a true elite gyaru, recognized by myself and everyone else! You self-proclaimed artist who failed to get into art college!"
"Say that again and it's war! I didn't fail to get in! I chose not to enroll!"
Riko-senpai and Kinue-san started squabbling loudly.
So far, there were only weirdos. Being around normal people made me nauseous from tension, but being around nothing but weirdos was exhausting in its own way. Were Master and I the only sane ones?
Riko-senpai, the fake gyaru. Inubozaki-san, whose soul was being consumed by maids. Kinue-san, a loser and artist.
I let out a small sigh at this cast of vivid characters.
...Wait. Thinking about it, isn't the gender ratio in this clan insane?
Leaving Inubozaki-san aside as a special case, everyone but me was female.
A flood of unpleasant sweat broke out.
I couldn't casually rejoice at this situation as a harem. If anything, this was a space that should be called an "away game."
I knew the reason this clan had so many women was because of "a certain clan" closest to here, but even so, I hadn't expected such a lopsided ratio.
Could Inubozaki-san be counted as a man? Her body was female, but her mind was male. If so, I should treat him as a man.
When my eyes met his,
"What is it, young master? If you have any need, please command me to do anything."
"N-no, it's fine."
Impossible! In maid mode, this person was nothing but an elegant, delicate, busty beauty!
Honestly, my heart was pounding like crazy!
This was an extremely bad situation. When one man was alone in a space full of women, things almost never turned out well. I think that's what TV used to say.
At this rate───'death.'
From what Master had told me before, there should have been one more clan member besides Ishiyama-san.
I had no choice but to place my hopes on that person.
I prayed inwardly as I sat back down.
Gods above, Buddhas below...! Please let the next person through that door be a dependable grown man—someone good at talking and listening, a sociable person who's kind even to introverts...!
Did this prayer reach its destination?
With the sound of the bell, the door opened.
What came in was───.
'Raaawr!'
It was a mascot costume.
...Why?
It had no neck and a squat silhouette roughly two heads tall. Its round eyes and permanently open mouth revealed soft-looking pointed fangs.
From the horns on its head and the white patch on its belly, I wondered if it was supposed to be a chibi dragon.
...Seriously, why?
"Oh, Tatsumin came too. Long time no see!"
Apparently a clan member, Riko-senpai waved to welcome her.
No, Yahiro Kōta! It was too soon to abandon hope!
Today was the welcome party. Maybe some friendly nice guy had prepared a mascot costume as a surprise. Perhaps they had contacted Riko-senpai in advance.
Cheerful extrovert who's nice to introverts! Come on!
"Welcome home, my lady."
"Tatsumin's mascot costume looks soft as ever. Can I touch your belly?"
God is dead.
Since she said 'my lady' and 'as ever,' she must have been a woman who normally dressed in that ridiculous outfit. Simply put, she was a suspicious person.
'Gao gao~. Tatsumin has arrived, gao~. You all got here early, gao~.'
"That ending is painfully unimaginative...!"
I had reflexively retorted, and the mascot moved its short legs to turn its body toward me.
'An unusual sentence ending is not necessarily a wonderful thing.'
"Ah, sorry."
The voice was that of a woman, and more husky than I had expected.
I apologized before I knew it, and that same carefree voice came from the mascot again.
'It's good that you understand, gao~. I'm Tatsumin. I'm a dragon who time-slipped here from the Edo period, gao~.'
"You too—"
Takanashi-san seemed about to say something, but Riko-senpai quickly covered her mouth.
That was dangerous. This person had nearly taken that character at face value, hadn't she...?
'What is it, gao~?'
"I stopped Miyucchi because she was about to blurt out Tatsumin's real name, 'Tatsumiya Kanako,' which I told her beforehand!"
'For starters, don't tell them my real name, fake gyaru.'
"I'm not fake!!"
Was the entire clan treating her as fake?
It was a great save, but quite apart from that, I thought this person needed to accept reality already.
"Listen, Otaku-kun and Miyucchi! Tatsumin likes cute things, but because her eyes look fierce and scare people, she just put on a silly speech tic and mascot costume, making her a pathetic mess!"
'You've said what must not be said, you fiend!'
"Hey, Ryugu. You forgot your verbal tic."
'Kinue, you call me Tatsumin too! ...Gao!'
Kinue-san drank her tea with one arm hooked over the back of her chair and her legs crossed.
After barking at her, Ryugu-san—Tatsumin—lumbered toward us.
'Ahem! I'm Tatsumin, gao! Pleased to meet you properly, gao!'
"Ah, right. Nice to meet you, Tatsumin-san. I'm Yahiro Kōta."
"I'm Takanashi Miyu. I look forward to working with you."
'Gao gao~. I'm happy such good children joined us, gao~.'
Tatsumin-san shook her mascot costume contentedly.
At this point... I wasn't going to say anything.
I simply waited for Master to arrive. Maybe she was preparing the welcome party in the back of the shop?
If so, perhaps I should go help. I was just about to leave my seat when—
───Clang-a-ling.
The doorbell rang.
Only one clan member remained to arrive.
Naturally, everyone's gaze turned toward the door.
"Fuhahaha! Sorry to keep you waiting, everyone!"
Her pale blond hair was cut to about shoulder length. Together with her pure white skin and blue eyes, her features brought a Western doll to mind.
She was tall for a woman, with a figure that bulged in the right places and narrowed in the right places. It was wrapped in a black gothic-lolita outfit trimmed with red frills.
The woman had a rose-shaped eyepatch over her left eye. Though her outfit was different, Takanashi-san and I knew her.
"I am 'Rosso Vendetta'! The dark emissary who is the Red Avenger and devours evil! You who have prepared a banquet for me, I permit you to welcome me with applause!"
Ishiyama Iwako, also known as 'Rosso Vendetta,' had entered in a strangely imposing pose.
As she quickly swept her gaze around the shop, I broke into a cold sweat.
Was Ishiyama-san a villain? Or...
Her blue eyes fixed on Tatsumin-san.
"I lost... in sheer force of character...?!"
Maybe this person was actually a comedian.
"Welcome home, my lady."
"What!? Oh, no, I haven't hired a maid or anything... Ahem! There are no servants such as you in my castle!"
"I am the maid of all humanity living in the present."
"Worldwide!?"
"Wooo! Welcome to Clan 'Alf'! Great to have you, Rosson!"
"Rosson!? And you're a gyaru!? Ah, no, um... h-hello..."
"That's right... I'm a gyaru! You are seriously such a good person! Thanksies! Thanks-a-fish!"
"Don't lose, me... I am, I am a noble being from the demon realm...! The Red Avenger...!"
"Hey. Has anyone ever told you you'd look good with tentacles?"
"What!? Out of nowhere! Sexual harassment!?"
"So you're the type whose true self comes out when surprised. I don't usually draw doujinshi, but I'd make an exception."
"That is not an exception! I'll sue you, human!"
'Gao gao~. I'm Tatsumin, gao~.'
"Oh, h-hello... Wait, why the mascot costume? Ah, did you deliberately dress like that for the welcome party...?"
'This is not a strange outfit. Would you like me to crush that head of yours?'
"Eek, s-sorry...!"
Ah, she was already receiving the baptism of Clan 'Alf'.
As I gave her a look of pity and sympathy, she seemed to notice me too.
"Hwaaah!? Y-you are the oni-mask face-guard guy and the sexy-swimsuit girl from back then!?"
"Ah, hello."
"What does 'sexy-swimsuit' mean, Yahiro-san?"
"Ask Riko-senpai."
"Why are you here...? Aha! Could you be assassins from the 'Organization' pursuing me? Have the Twelve Apostles of the Demon Realm finally entered the human world!?"
"No, we're not."
"Everyone! Help me bring out the food before Ishiyama-chan and the others arrive!"
Master came toward us with a cheerful smile, then opened her eyes wide in apparent surprise when she saw us.
"Huh, Yahiro-kun and Takanashi-chan!? Even Ishiyama-chan!? I-I told you to come later..."
"Ah, sorry, Master."
"I'm sorry. I thought arriving fifteen minutes early was standard."
"Ah, shopkeeper. Ahem... When it comes to me, I decide! That's all!"
And so, Clan 'Alf's welcome party began.
＊ ＊ ＊
Delicious food, a beautiful Master, and a gathering of weirdos.
I barely remembered what happened at that half-mad welcome party.
The weirdos simply kept embarking on bizarre antics, leaving me to deal with them. As a result,
"Haa... haa... Enough... Seriously, enough, you people...!"
"I-I can't... no more... help me, mo...ther..."
Ishiyama-san and I were left battered and exhausted. Takanashi-san fell asleep partway through. She had eaten her fill and grown sleepy. She had been the most wary of us all, so I wondered what she was doing, but I couldn't say anything when I saw her peaceful sleeping face.
Master was mostly in grandmother mode, saying things like, 'You're all so energetic,' so the two of us had no choice but to run around retorting and mediating.
...If she turned out to be a bad person, would this clan kill me? By working me to death.
It was a day that left me praying from the bottom of my heart that Ishiyama Iwako, who called herself 'Rosso Vendetta,' was a good person.