The Onslaught of Gags

The Onslaught of Gags

"So, was Toramari-chan really with Public Security?"

The day after I went to a dungeon with Toramari-san and the others, Riko-senpai asked me that at the café, seated across from me.

"Unfortunately, I couldn't tell."

"Well, it's not like you could figure it out that easily."

She took a sip of coffee, giving a small shrug at my answer.

Beside me, Takanashi-san rested a finger against her slender chin and fell into thought.

"It would be nice if we could somehow get in contact with Tōmi Toramari-san..."

"Even if we did, we'd still have to figure out what to tell her."

"Why not just warn her outright that monsters might have reached into the government?"

"...That is one way to go about it, I suppose."

"The only problem is that we still don't know whether this Toramari-chan is one of the good guys or one of the bad guys."

Riko-senpai was right.

At present, I didn't think she was a bad person. If anything, I thought she was a good one. However, I had no confidence that I could outmaneuver Public Security in a battle of wits. In other words, I had no idea what her true intentions were.

"As with 'Rosso Vendetta,' the information I possess may not be reliable in this world—or in this era."

"A person remembered as a hero by later generations who was actually a terrible villain... That's a pretty common plot in fiction."

Riko-senpai folded her arms behind her head and gave a wry smile.

...Somehow, I felt as though I had been standing still, stuck on the same problem this whole time.

I felt it was about time I took a step forward, even if I had to force myself to do it.

As I thought that, Riko-senpai turned her gaze toward me.

"More importantly, what about checking on Rosso? Honestly, I've already come to like that girl."

"Yes. I don't think Rosso-san is someone who would commit mass murder. Perhaps something caused her to fall into monstrosity."

Riko-senpai and I turned our gazes toward Takanashi-san.

After closing her eyes and remaining silent for several seconds, she said:

"...I agree. There have been no vampire-related incidents in the city where she lives or the surrounding area."

She nodded, her eyes lowered slightly.

"Grandma agrees with us too. She thinks there must have been some reason for it."

Riko-senpai looked toward Master behind the counter. When I looked over as well, Master nodded in response.

"Then, if there was some reason for someone like that to do such a thing..."

"It would be family, wouldn't it...?"

Riko-senpai stopped smiling wryly and straightened her posture.

"The Lycanthrope spiritual disaster. In Miyu's world, Otaku-kun didn't get caught up in it, right? Then is it possible that she failed to protect the shelter at the time, and her mother died?"

"I'm not sure. If Rosso-san's mother had been at that shelter, her behavior doesn't quite fit. Wasn't her mother somewhere else at the time?"

"Hmm... Grandma, where exactly is Rosso's house?"

Master shook her head in response to Riko-senpai's question.

"I know the circumstances, and I trust that you and the others won't misuse the information, but I can't tell you as the clan master. She's your friend, so ask her directly."

"That's true. Besides, we're going to a dungeon together tomorrow."

That's right. The four of us planned to form a party again and explore a dungeon.

It was a different dungeon from the last one, though.

"Besides... there have been more unsettling stories in the news lately."

Riko-senpai propped her chin on her hand and used the remote to turn on the television installed in the café.

A news program happened to be on.

'────And now for our next story. The international terrorist group Calamity has claimed responsibility for the mass shooting in Britain.'

"Ugh..."

Riko-senpai twisted her mouth into an 'へ' shape at the anchor's report.

Then a bearded man appeared on the television screen.

'We, Calamity, will set the world right through calamity! Ability users are beings that bring chaos to the world! They are devils who fabricate nonexistent monsters and torment the people! Do not be deceived!'

'In response to the statement by Calamity leader Tekira Moosemay, the British government────'

"Give me a break, seriously. 'Monsters are fabricated'? What a ridiculous name, too. That's definitely an alias."

I nodded at Riko-senpai, who had pursed her lips.

There were still people who refused to believe in monsters because they couldn't see them, but I really wished they would stop blaming all the various damage on ability users.

"Miyucchi, does that bearded guy's name survive into later generations?"

"I couldn't say. But at least, I've never heard of him."

"Hell yeah! Serves you right, Beard! At least use your real name! Someone who lies about who he is can't accomplish anything!"

...We were having a serious discussion, so I probably shouldn't have made a retort.

I couldn't help giving the self-proclaimed otaku-friendly gyaru a dubious look. Was this person really not lying about who she was?

'Are Mr. Moosemay's claims correct?'

'No, I'm afraid they can only be described as utterly preposterous.'

The journalist appearing on the program, who was said to be knowledgeable about Europe, shrugged.

'I wish people who don't believe in monsters would face reality already. At present, Europe is barely managing to suppress monster damage with aid from Britain.'

'Is that so?'

'Yes. It's only a rumor at this stage, but Japanese and British ability users are likely to possess greater power than ability users in other countries. Considering the future peace of Europe, their actions are outrageous.'

'Japanese and British ability users are more powerful than those of other countries?'

"Is that true, Miyucchi?"

Takanashi-san nodded at Riko-senpai, who had turned her gaze away from the television.

"That is what is said. Even in my era, British ability users were highly capable. The ability users among the refugees from Japan were as well."

"Wow. Really?"

"However, they were overwhelmed by the monsters' sheer numbers."

"Well, naturally..."

'This is believed to be due to the influence of the ley lines. Therefore, when considering future international cooperation, Japan should lend places known as sacred sites to ability users from overseas so that they can train...'

The journalist on the television was speaking passionately.

But Calamity, huh...? What an awfully simplistic name.

I had occasionally seen their name in online news as well. It had been a topic of discussion for a while, though it was only a rumor, that they might do something in Japan soon.

While I was thinking about that, the news moved on to a story about a zoo.

'And now for our next story! New life has been born at a zoo! Jessie, the grandchild of the red panda Fūtaro, has had a baby!'

"Wow..."

I couldn't help smiling at the red panda on the screen. Cute. So very cute.

I wanted to pet a red panda's belly or tail at least once. If possible, I wanted to hold one on my lap, too.

"Miyucchi, this is bad. Otaku-kun is reacting more like a maiden than we are."

"Who's a maiden?"

"I think it is most excellent."

"Takanashi-san? What do you mean? Why do your eyes look so frightening?"

"The beastfolk version... was limited edition...!"

"I have no idea what that means, and I don't want to know."

I'm not putting them on, okay? I'm not putting on animal ears or anything, okay? Besides, I'm a different person, okay?

＊　　　　　＊　　　　　＊

The next day, after that conversation, was Saturday.

Since it was a holiday, we decided to devote the morning to our work as adventurers.

The sealed facility we reached by taking a train and bus to a dungeon a little farther away than usual already had Rosso-san waiting for us.

I thought we had arrived fifteen minutes before our meeting time, but how long had she been standing there?

She was in the parking lot of the sealed facility, carrying a harmonica instead of her harp this time. She was only holding it; she wasn't playing it.

"Heh... The wind is restless again today..."

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Rosso! Can we hang out at your place after we're done exploring the dungeon?"

"All of a sudden!?"

"Let's gather at Rosso's place and play Atsumori Max!"

"All of a sudden!?"

"No! Atsumori is out! We'll hold a Matsuo Race endurance festival at Rosso's place until morning!"

"All of a sudden!?"

Oh no. Rosso-san had turned into a creature capable of saying nothing but 'All of a sudden!?'

"..."

"Wait, Takanashi-san. It's not like you can fix her by hitting her at a forty-five-degree angle."

"You read my mind...!?"

"I didn't. I only knew because you were creeping toward her with your hand raised for a chop."

"What is this!? What is going on!?"

"And you, please calm down."

"The time has come... that's all...!"

The fake gyaru was making a dour face and spouting nonsense.

She folded her arms beneath her chest, emphasizing her huge breasts, but I forcibly looked away.

"That's enough fooling around, Riko-senpai. You're making Rosso-san uncomfortable."

"The time has come... Then it cannot be helped!"

"I don't think that's true, so please stop and think about this calmly."

Master. Help me, Master. A flood of gags suddenly sprang up. For some reason, everyone is flooring the accelerator.

I grabbed Takanashi-san by the collar to hold her back and called for help toward the sky. Naturally, I received no answer.

There is no salvation...

"Huh!? I have returned to my senses!"

"With that first-person pronoun?"

"What are you saying all of a sudden, Inoue Riko!? Explain yourself!"

"Allow me to explain! 'Matsuo Race' is a racing game set in Heian-era Kyoto! The story begins with Matsuo, an ox-cart driver who spends his days drinking and betting on races, being thrown out of his job and divorced by his wife!"

"No. That's not the explanation you should be giving."

"Hmm. And the player controls Matsuo as he drives an ox cart, striving to reach the top! I assume they must use the various items scattered across the course to defeat all the rivals!"

"Why have you joined the explanation side too? We don't need this. We really don't need any more of this."

"I see! Such an interesting game exists...?"

"Damn it, we needed someone here."

What was with these three idiots? Did they have no stopping point?

Huh? You think that game explanation sounded like Ma●io Kart? I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't speak Italian at all.

"Then, after we submit the report and magic stones at the café, we're going straight to Rosso's place!"

"Hold it! Why have we decided to play games at my castle!?"

"Because you said something like, 'If the time has come, it can't be helped.'"

"Was an endurance match too much? Should we limit it to one or two rounds?"

"Coming to my castle is the premise!?"

"We can play a different game with the remaining time."

"Are you, perchance, assuming an overnight stay!?"

"Obviously, cracker!"

"Riko-senpai, that's not gyaru slang. It was probably something that was popular in the Showa era."

"Cracker... Is that a weapon?"

"No, so let's keep quiet for a moment, Takanashi-san."

Strange... I was already getting tired before we had even entered the dungeon.

Come to think of it, I hadn't been asked about staying over either. Well, obviously it would be bad for a boy to stay at a girl's house, so if we went through with it, I planned to be the only one who went home.

"Fine... Then we'll have a game tournament at my place!"

"Why did it turn out that way!? I-I mean, me too? It's not like I mind, but... there is such a thing as mental preparation..."

Rosso-san's cheeks reddened as she began fidgeting with the ground using her toes.

How shamelessly cute.

"Shut up! Let's go!"

She's so damn loud.

As I covered my ears against Riko-senpai's shout, Rosso-san gave a small nod.

"I-I suppose it can't be helped. If you insist that much, I shall accept your proposal."

"Yes! I knew Rosso-san would cave if I pushed!"

"That was a terrible thing to say, Riko-senpai."

"But from now on, give me advance notice before inviting people over, all right? That's basic etiquette."

"Okaaay."

She was absolutely right.

"Riko-senpai, this is news to us too, you know."

"My bad! Wait, did you have plans?"

"No, I didn't, but..."

"I have no objections. More importantly, please explain that game in detail."

Takanashi-san was more enthusiastic than usual. She puffed out her small nostrils and snorted eagerly.

"Okey-dokey, fish market, bro!"

"If you had to specify, sister. Does that racing game feature Kamen Rider?"

"What? Sorry, but it doesn't."

"...I see."

Ah, Takanashi-san's spirits visibly plummeted.

"W-well, well! You can customize it as An●anman instead!"

"Wait, was that really an option?"

And the way she was trying to console her was straight out of dealing with a kindergartener.

"Really...!?"

The kindergarten technique had actually worked.

Riko-senpai gave Takanashi-san a 'Bachikoon☆' wink and a thumbs-up.

"Trust me, Miyucchi!"

"There isn't a single reason to trust you."

"Why not place your hand on your chest and reflect on your own actions?"

"Takanashi-san... I believe you!"

"I'm worried about Takanashi-san's future..."

"I fear she will be deceived by a con artist one day."

"Hey, you two. We're about to enter a dungeon, so get serious."

"...Rosso-san, once we enter the dungeon, how about we attack that idiot right in the back?"

"What a coincidence. I was thinking the same thing. We shall hit her with maximum firepower. Match your breathing to mine."

"Wait, what—it's a joke!?"

Leaving aside the stupid, idiotic fake gyaru Riko-senpai, we couldn't keep making noise in front of the sealed facility forever.

It was time to switch gears.

"Then, shall we go?"

"Indeed."

"Understood."

"Hey, you're joking, right? Really joking? I'm a weak maiden, you know? Treat me more delicately than glasswork, okay?"

Ignoring the fake gyaru's nonsense, we entered the sealed facility.

As expected, only the minimum necessary staff were inside. I parted from the women and entered the men's changing room.

...However. Somehow, I'd ended up agreeing to go play at Riko-senpai's house.

Despite being a problematic person in many ways, I would be playing at the home of a beautiful woman with an amazing figure, together with a beautiful girl with huge breasts and another gorgeous woman with huge breasts...

...Oh, no. The nervousness was making me feel sick.

I changed clothes without managing to shift my thoughts at all.

Could I possibly die in an accident inside the dungeon?

With that worry in mind, I closed my locker.