The Cord on the Secret Scroll

'Hmm, I managed to get my fit under control somehow. But his actions were unexpected.'

"I felt like I was being summoned, so here I am."

'I didn't summon you, but you were a great help during my fit. You escaped with your life.'

"That thing you say after thanking me is scary."

'It was a once-in-a-thousand-years chance for me to dote on you, and you showed admirable restraint.'

"I'm the sort who'd rather pursue than be pursued."

'So you want an unrequited love. Whatever your reason, I'll let you choose your options freely for the time being.'

"Really? Can I make my whole body an erogenous zone?"

'You're eager to become an inanimate object. I'm not pleased about it, but I'll let you do as you please.'

"I'll give myself all sorts of harem abilities! All right, let's rummage through the suggestion box."

'Judging by that sound effect, quite a few prompts have come in. Who's sending them, and how?'

"From WamWamRemedy: 'The Cord on the Secret Scroll.'"

'An inanimate object, then. Congratulations.'

"But this one's pretty difficult."

'I don't understand how difficulty can vary for inanimate objects.'

"For example, let's say I made my whole body an erogenous zone."

'Even as an example, I don't want you to do that.'

"If some old guy got his hands on this secret scroll, it'd be a pretty rough sight."

'I see. Then let's make sure a handsome hero gets his hands on it.'

"Goddess-sama, you don't allow dirty jokes, but you let that kind of joke slide."

'What are you talking about? I can't understand the words of such a lowly creature.'

"Maybe it's because you've been snacking more lately, but you've gained a kilo, haven't you?"

'Before you go out, your meal will be one liter of olive oil.'

"Heh, that's more like it."

'Just once, I'd love to hear you let out a pained scream.'

"When I was the World Tree, I used telepathy."

'Then choose your options freely. Though I can already see that anything you do with that freedom will end badly.'

◇

'Phew, I managed to lose weight. Now, time to reward myself with some cake.'

"I'm back. You're snacking again."

'It's fine. From now on, whenever your weight goes down, mine will too.'

"What an easy diet. But that means I'll stay chubby forever unless I lose weight, right?"

'You're at a normal weight now, but if you call that chubby, shall I shave five kilos off you right now?'

"That's mild horror. I'll give my report while running on the treadmill, so please forgive me."

'Very well. We'll start at thirty kilometers per hour.'

"That's still below the world record for the 100 meters, so let's call it merciful."

※Usain Bolt runs at 37–38 km/h, and even faster at his peak!

'I suppose I should first ask what was written on the secret scroll.'

"The scroll contained the secret ninjutsu of the legendary ninja Kirigamine Kuucho."

'A ninja who sounds like an air conditioner.'

"It was a ninjutsu that could transform even the harshest environment into a comfortable space in no time. Its name was the Art of Air Conditioning."

'That's an air conditioner.'

"But it used up a lot of chakra, so it wasn't efficient to keep using it."

'That's an air conditioner. Electricity costs money, after all.'

"But its destructive power was astounding. They say it even stopped falling meteorites."

'The laws of physics are all over the place.'

"Since the electricity bill was too much, Kirigamine Kuucho tried to seal away the scroll."

'You stopped even calling it chakra.'

"And the one he took in his hand then was... me, the cord."

'That smug look is unnecessary.'

"When Kirigamine Kuucho picked me up, he suddenly realized something."

'Did he realize you'd reincarnated in another world as a cord? Impressive.'

"I was covered in oil."

'Now that you mention it, your last supper was olive oil.'

"I poured whatever I couldn't drink over myself before leaving."

'It was a pain to clean up.'

"Kirigamine Kuucho grabbed me, covered in oil, and wondered what to do."

'If the cord you planned to use for a secret scroll was covered in olive oil, I'd think you'd replace it without a second thought.'

"But I'd reincarnated as 'the Cord on the Secret Scroll.' In other words, he had no choice but to use me."

'I don't approve of you using reincarnation like a curse.'

"In the end, Kirigamine Kuucho tearfully used me as the scroll's cord."

'To make a legendary ninja cry—or, rather, to have him cry himself.'

"He was a neat freak, after all."

'That's the worst. By the way, did you choose the option to make your whole body an erogenous zone?'

"Hearing the words 'whole body an erogenous zone' from Goddess-sama is pretty stimulating."

'Forty kilometers per hour.'

"Whoa, that's rough. I can't do that when I don't know who's going to touch me."

'You've improved if you can keep running and call that rough.'

"And then, a hundred years passed."

'Is this another story about the secret scroll? It's a little sad that its contents are the Art of Air Conditioning.'

"A cataclysm transformed the world into a tropical climate above fifty degrees, or a frigid climate below zero."

'Oh, demand for it just skyrocketed.'

"To save the world, they had to make the will of the world use the Art of Air Conditioning, so ninjas everywhere began searching for the secret scroll."

'So the world was a ninja too. That's philosophical.'

"But the path to a certain cave in a certain ninja village, on a certain remote mountain where the secret scroll was sealed, was treacherous, and many ninjas ran out of strength before reaching their goal."

'The name "Ninja Village" sounds incredibly cheap. Also, there are way too many "certain"s. Didn't it have an official name?'

"It did, but I thought it might be better to keep it secret."

'There's no point in keeping it secret.'

"It's a place called Takenoko no Sato, on Mount Kinoko."

'Ninja Village is fine.'

"By the way, the cave was Alfort○ Cave."

'Just call it a cave. And why is it Western-style?'

"It's said to have been dug by the legendary samurai Alfort○."

'I don't know where I'm supposed to make a comment.'

"Then the ninja who filled the hero's role in this world finally appeared in Ninja Village."

'Now that you mention it, this is a Japanese-style ninja story.'

"His name was Felick."

'Take back what I said three seconds ago.'

"Felick was a ninja descended from the bloodline of the legendary shogun Tokugawa Ta○home."

'I don't think shoguns should be legendary, and somehow I managed to censor it in time.'

"So you were the one adding the censorship marks, Goddess-sama."

'You never know where some terrifying god might be watching.'

"Anyway, Felick made his way through the mountain path full of traps and arrived at Ninja Village."

'Was it easy enough to reach that you can say "anyway"?'

"The success rate was less than 0.1 percent."

'Worse odds than a gacha.'

"There were Secom○ traps."

'How anachronistic. This is why Japanese-style settings...'

"Felick tried to find a map showing the cave's location, but the ninjas of Ninja Village gave him a harsh welcome."

'Did the village ninjas attack him?'

"Every doorknob on every door was charged with static electricity."

'That must've hurt.'

"It was the secret anti-personnel barrier ninjutsu passed down in the legendary ninja village."

'That's laughable.'

"Felick's spirit nearly broke."

'Isn't he a little mentally weak?'

"Well, every time he opened a door, he'd get zapped by static."

'Fair enough. No, he could've just put on gloves.'

"Felick never thought he'd need gloves."

'I suppose he wouldn't.'

"Then Felick suddenly had a brilliant idea: I'll buy gloves!"

'This is enemy territory, isn't it?'

"But the ninjas, despite Felick being their enemy, mercilessly sold him gloves for 1.1 times the going rate."

'That seems pretty reasonable.'

"Felick finally got the gloves he'd been longing for."

'The thing he was longing for was the scroll, but at least now his search should go more smoothly.'

"But those gloves, unbelievably, let electricity pass right through them."

'That was quietly cruel. Did they make weird gloves just for that?'

"No, they were for using a smartphone while wearing gloves."

'That was rather civilized of them.'

"Fed up, Felick decided to kick down every door as he went in."

'It's sad that he was fed up for that reason.'

"Felick ended up making enemies of the ninjas in Ninja Village."

'Naturally.'

"I suppose it was because he went in with his shoes on."

'Let's go with that.'

"As he fled his pursuers, Felick found a map to the cave and headed there while setting fire to the village."

'Felick sure knows how to rack up hate.'

"When Felick reached the cave, he received a rough welcome."

'What was it this time?'

"The hand soap in the portable toilet by the entrance had been replaced with dish soap."

'A rough welcome at the hand-washing station. Enough already.'

"Felick injured both hands and could no longer form hand seals."

'Aren't his hands a little too delicate?'

"It was a terrifying double trap: repeated static shocks and dish soap."

'Still too delicate, if you ask me.'

"He fought his way through the monsters swarming inside the cave with a variety of kicks."

'Kicks are fine.'

"While he was at it, he pinched some change from the bodies of the ninjas who'd fallen along the way."

'Sticky fingers.'

"No, he skillfully picked it up with his feet."

'That's not what I meant.'

"Felick finally reached the innermost chamber and picked up the scroll with his foot."

'So he really can't use his hands.'

"But the scroll slipped right off his foot. For some reason, it was covered in oil."

'Was there still olive oil left after a hundred years?'

"For some reason, my body had developed a tendency to overflow with olive oil."

'An unnecessary consequence of your reincarnation.'

"In that case, Felick endured the pain and grabbed it with his hand. But the scroll slipped right out of his hand."

'Olive oil is way too troublesome.'

"No, that time I escaped with the Substitution Technique."

'A cord using the Substitution Technique? What exactly did you substitute?'

"Olive oil."

'An unexpected practical use. But why were you trying to escape?'

"Felick was pointlessly handsome, so I couldn't help myself."

'Well, it's a story that doesn't need a handsome guy.'

"I said, 'So, you made it here, Ninja Philip.'"

'You got his name wrong.'

"I said, 'Well done for overcoming all the traps I set on the mountain, in the village, and in the cave.'"

'So those ridiculous traps were your doing.'

"I said, 'I am the Cord of the Secret Scroll. I won't hand this scroll over to you.'"

'Didn't that confuse him?'

"He asked me to repeat myself."

'Of course he did.'

"Felick said, 'After the cataclysm, the world has fallen into chaos. It's my mission to obtain the secret ninjutsu and save the world. Even if it costs me my life, I cannot give up.'"

'That doesn't sound like something a ninja who nearly broke down over static electricity would say.'

"And so the final battle between Felick and me began."

'A final battle against a cord.'

"Felick's arms were battered by my schemes. I wasn't about to be bested by someone who couldn't even use both hands."

'Something without even hands has a lot of nerve.'

"Felick struggled against the rain of olive oil I unleashed."

'Wasn't there a similar scene with salad oil before?'

"But, unbelievably, he began forming hand seals with both hands."

'Even though static and dish soap should've taken him out... though I guess it's possible.'

"It turned out the olive oil I released had high moisturizing properties. His hands completely healed because of it."

'Does olive oil really have that effect—does it or doesn't it?'

※Olive oil for skincare does exist.

"It was because I'd given my blood and tears healing properties."

'Is your blood olive oil?'

"Felick finally unleashed his specialty, Fire Release."

'Won't that catch fire?'

"No worries. I switched to dish soap the moment I saw his Fire Release, and handled it easily."

'Looks like you're water-aligned again this time.'

"The battle went on for a long time, but at last the moment of truth arrived. My movements suddenly slowed down."

'The cause is so vague I don't even want to know.'

"The olive oil and dish soap had soaked deep into the scroll."

'If the neat-freak Kirigamine Kuucho saw that, he'd probably burst into tears.'

"Taking advantage of that momentary opening, Felick managed to remove the cord from the scroll."

'A profoundly uninteresting sight.'

"I let out a death cry."

'That's what I wanted to hear.'

"Well, I didn't die. Felick won, covered from head to toe in olive oil and detergent."

'He was handsome, right? Do you have a picture from then?'

"I do. Here."

'A handsome guy covered in olive oil and detergent, gripping the scroll's cord and inexplicably staring straight at the camera.'

"I figured we'd take a commemorative photo."

'Were you friends? Anyway, I'm confiscating this.'

"Felick tried to read the scroll and learn the Art of Air Conditioning, but a problem arose."

'It became unreadable because it was covered in olive oil and dish soap, I suppose.'

"Felick couldn't read Japanese."

'The downside of being set up as a foreigner.'

"For the first time, Felick's spirit nearly broke."

'I haven't forgotten that he nearly broke down over static electricity in Ninja Village.'

"I felt sorry for him, so I, the kind and helpful one, decoded it for him."

'You're conveniently ignoring how unhelpful you were when you refused to hand over the scroll.'

"And so Felick learned the Art of Air Conditioning, taught it to the will of the world, and the world's temperature was fixed at eighteen degrees. The end."

'The air conditioning is set too cold.'

"Well, life as a cord wasn't exactly all that exciting."

'After setting a bunch of traps in a ninja village and leaving countless ninjas scattered in your wake, how can you say that?'

"Also, the word 'cord' makes me sound like some loser who can't provide for himself."

'Seems fitting, given what you lack.'

"Phew, that's my report. I'm tired."

'You managed to give your report while running at forty kilometers per hour.'

"And now, as is tradition, it's souvenir time."

'Is it olive oil this time?'

"No, I can produce that now, so I don't think I need to bring it back as a souvenir."

'No human should be able to produce olive oil.'

"Here's your souvenir: a pair of gloves from Ninja Village that let you use a smartphone."

'Gloves with a Takenoko mark. Well, it's been getting cold lately, so I'll take them.'