Armadillo

'Whew. After one of these episodes, I always feel like destroying myself.'

"Staaare..."

'Sorry for the trouble. The episode is over now.'

"Then let's try getting closer."

'Why are you coming closer? I blew you away.'

"Mm. You're healed."

'Even though you respawn immediately after dying in this space, it's pretty terrifying to come back without changing your expression at all.'

"I've learned how to avoid feeling pain."

'The younger generation is becoming less and less human.'

"Anyway, it's finally time to use the new suggestion box, Goddess-sama."

'That's quite a large suggestion box.'

"It looks like there are already over a hundred prompts inside. Lots of people are supporting me in this life."

'Considering not one of them is a sensible prompt, I suspect they expect you to be a comedic clown.'

"I've worked as a clown before. It was pretty fun, actually."

'I can see you in that role.'

"Yeah. I can juggle while balancing on a ball, just like this."

'Looks like you had the makings of a ninja from the start. Here, a little something for you.'

"Black candy. I'm only sort of happy about it."

'It was a gift from that grandmotherly goddess.'

"I'll put it in my pocket. I didn't know there were gods like that."

'She's an annoying goddess who loves sticking her nose into other people's business.'

"Seems like just the right acquaintance for a Goddess-sama who's too lazy to bother with things."

'Now then, time to reincarnate in another world.'

"I can't help feeling like you dodged the question a little."

'Just pick a prompt already. We're running behind schedule.'

"That sounds made-up, but oh well. Rummage, rummage... 'Armadillo,' from Okuyama Chihiro-san."

'Well, compared to the prompts you've gotten so far, this one sounds perfectly normal.'

"I think so, too. Maybe the last time was when I was a hermit crab."

'This one sounds more evolved than a hermit crab.'

"And it seems like it'd have high defense, too."

'Some species can even deflect bullets.'

"Come to think of it, one of my senpais at an old part-time job kept an armadillo as a pet."

'That's completely useless information.'

"But an armadillo can do so many things that I'm having trouble deciding on a goal."

'If you feel spoiled for choice as an armadillo, I'm curious what you'd do if you reincarnated as a human.'

"All right, let's decide on the options. I'll make myself super hard."

'That's within reason.'

"I'll be able to speak human language and use magic, too."

'That's within reason.'

"And I'll be able to transform and combine with other things."

'Denied.'

"But an armadillo robot would be so cool!"

'At least reincarnate looking like a normal armadillo.'

"Okay, then I'll look like an armadillo, but have a robot on the inside."

'Correction: reincarnate as an armadillo biologically, too.'

"Got it. I'll stay an armadillo, then. Is it okay if I'm a handsome armadillo?"

'If you're an armadillo, I suppose it's fine.'

"Yay! It'll be my first time being handsome."

'Your current goofy-looking self suits you best, though.'

"All right, I think that's everything. I'm off."

'Have a good trip.'

◇

'As I thought, spending time with that grandmotherly goddess leaves me exhausted from all the fussing over me. It's not bad once in a while, though.'

"I'm back."

'Welcome home. You must be tired, so have some candy.'

"Black candy again. Still, thanks."

'Oh? You're eating it without complaining this time.'

"An armadillo's diet consists of insects, snails, earthworms, and snakes, right?"

'I see. I understand now.'

"I could eat them pretty happily as an armadillo, but now that I'm back in a human body, I find them hard to stomach."

'If you eat any of those in front of me, I'll quarantine you.'

"Snails and snakes are at least served as food sometimes."

'I still wouldn't want to eat them.'

"Well, black candy isn't so bad when you haven't had it in a while."

'I'm starting to wonder if your tastes are becoming more like those of an older person.'

"That's a little harsh. Anyway, here's my report. First, I reincarnated as the pet armadillo of Demon King Weinlira."

'Hmm, a Demon King's pet. You'd think being a Demon King's pet would mean quite a bit of waiting around, but you didn't have any, did you?'

"The Demon King was a huge animal lover and kept tons of animals on her estate."

'Were most of them reincarnators from other worlds? And was she really a Demon King to begin with?'

"Here I am with Weinlira."

'That's a heartwarming picture of a rather young-looking Demon King with an armadillo.'

"She was less than ten years old. She was a cute girl whose hobby was drawing pictures of her pets."

'She certainly sounds like a cute Demon King. I'm worried you might get your claws into her.'

"If I meet someone when they're that young, they feel more like a daughter than a heroine."

'By that logic, wouldn't everyone around your age in another world become your daughter?'

"It's better if she's already an adult when we meet."

'You were her pet armadillo, so you were actually younger than her, age-wise.'

"Yeah. She spoiled me a lot because of that."

'Isn't that a good thing?'

"Well, whenever Weinlira spoiled me, it made the other animals jealous. They were really tough on me."

'Right, some of those animals were reincarnators from other worlds, too.'

"Yeah. For the animals, the goal was to become Weinlira's number-one pet. The competition was no ordinary struggle."

'Was it like the inner chambers of a shogun's household?'

"More or less. There was a clear pecking order, too. Pets ranked below one hundred didn't even get their names remembered."

'If a ten-year-old remembered the names of a hundred pets, that would be impressive enough.'

"I took advantage of being able to talk from the start and began at rank ninety."

'That's still low. Though, for a newly acquired armadillo, just making it into the rankings ahead of the other animals is quite an achievement.'

"By the way, around then, Weinlira forgot the name of the red salmon she kept."

'There was a red salmon?'

"Her territory had all sorts of habitats: mountains, forests, valleys, rivers, and even the sea."

'Were there no ordinary monsters?'

"There were, but most of them were driven out by the animals reincarnated from other worlds and forced into a few remote areas."

'I wonder how many reincarnators from other worlds there were.'

"I think every pet in the top hundred was one."

'And what are you basing that on?'

"Twenty percent of them occasionally spoke Japanese."

'That's a lot of Japanese people. What about the other eighty percent?'

"They reacted when I said, 'Oh, Demon King-sama.'"

'Being able to understand the language does sound like something an otherworldly reincarnator would do.'

"They did all sorts of things despite being animals. They were pretty formidable."

'You're one to talk. Go on.'

"I was bought from a traveling merchant, and right away I got a taste of the pecking order from one of the higher-ranked pets."

'So a traveling merchant was involved. That must have thoroughly thrown the ecosystem out of whack.'

"It was the seventy-first-ranked Japanese rat snake, 'Odaine the Bad Shedder.'"

'That sounds less like a title and more like an insult.'

"He came to warn me not to get carried away. I was an armadillo caught under a snake's gaze."

'Aren't snakes part of an armadillo's diet?'

"I enjoyed him as a meal."

'How merciless.'

"But I thought that from then on, I couldn't avoid clashes with the other pets if I wanted to become Weinlira's number-one pet."

'You were up against reincarnators from other worlds, after all. It must have been tough.'

"I had no trouble with the ones who tried to use brute force."

'No trouble?'

"I was super hard."

'Oh, right. You chose an option to make yourself hard.'

"I'm pretty sure I was harder than I was as the failed plate."

'Harder than the plate that even the god and Demon King of that world couldn't break?'

"If I curled up and charged into them at near-sonic speed, that was enough to take out most animals in one hit."

'So just a little slower than the speed of sound.'

"There were some opponents who gave me a hard time, but I was basically undefeated in battle. My experience made the difference."

'As an otherworldly reincarnator, your experience is top-tier, after all.'

"I've been through ordeals on a whole different level."

'That's true. You didn't just drink muddy water—you turned into dirt.'

"But I wanted to be Weinlira's beloved pet, not the strongest. The title of strongest would have been empty."

'That's not the sort of philosophy you'd expect from an armadillo.'

"Even so, my exploits paid off, and I shot up to rank fifty."

'So over half of them resorted to violence.'

"The animals who'd reincarnated into creatures with plenty of physical strength were hot-blooded. Apparently, the pet who'd been keeping them organized until recently had disappeared, too."

'There was someone keeping them organized?'

"Yeah. The red salmon."

'The red salmon who'd been forgotten at rank one hundred because of you?'

"His name was Benishakkeis, 'The Red Salmon Who Reached the Pinnacle of Wisdom.'"

'That red salmon changes his name every time. He sounds like he'd be resourceful even outside the rankings.'

"After being forgotten, he was eaten without anyone noticing."

'Being that low on the food chain is a problem, too.'

"Yeah. He was delicious."

'I had a feeling that was coming.'

"Anyway, from then on I focused on pleasing Weinlira and winning her heart."

'That's right. The owner decides who's best, after all. Though, who decided the rankings up to fifty?'

"Tanaka-san, one of the Demon King's aides, measured us according to all sorts of criteria."

'So Tanaka was there, too.'

※See Chapter 5.

"It was a touching reunion, but I thought it was a bit much to use my connections from sixteen lifetimes ago, so I deliberately kept my distance."

'If that were a song, it would be so long you'd wonder if something was wrong with the CD.'

"As the first step toward winning Weinlira over, I went on walks with her and acted like an obedient pet."

'An armadillo going for a walk is a slightly strange sight.'

"Here's a picture."

'The young Demon King is dribbling an armadillo like a soccer ball.'

"I figured we could have fun while we were at it."

'Could that be considered animal abuse?'

"If she was enjoying herself, it was fine."

'No, I meant, how about you?'

"As I said, if she was—"

'Never mind. But wouldn't kicking an absurdly hard armadillo hurt her feet?'

"Weinlira was second only to the Creator God in strength."

'She was that strong at ten? She's going to be terrifying when she grows up.'

"Weinlira was happy to have someone she could kick as hard as she wanted without hurting them. That shot me right up to rank thirty."

'I can see why a Demon King that strong would like a pet sturdy enough to play with without holding back.'

"Tanaka-san watched me like he wanted her to kick him, too."

'I don't need to know that.'

"Next, I took action to become even closer to her."

'After going for walks, did you try spending some time together?'

"I listened to Weinlira's worries about her life."

'You seem to have lost sight of what you mean by getting closer.'

"Weinlira was an exceptionally gifted Demon King, which was why she could keep so many animals in her territory. With all her former Demon King father's expectations resting on her, she had her share of worries."

'Even a ten-year-old has her troubles.'

"I also gave her some of the black candy I'd brought along."

'Oh, right. You'd left it in your pocket before reincarnating in another world.'

"It turned out to be exactly to her taste, and I made it into the top ten."

'You made the top ten all at once? Black candy is nothing to scoff at. Though I'm curious how nine pets ranked above the one who listened to her life problems.'

"The top-ranked pet at the time was an axolotl."

'Are axolotls popular with Demon Kings?'

※See Chapter 19.

"That thing was terrifying. It just sat still in its tank, and that alone was enough to purify the air."

'Combining an axolotl with an air purifier wouldn't raise its rating in my eyes.'

"But as I climbed toward the top of the rankings, I started to see different sides of Weinlira."

'You were listening to her life problems, after all.'

"I got the feeling that she didn't want to reign as the Demon King who ruled the world."

'She loves animals, so perhaps she dislikes conflict.'

"So I went to speak directly with the former Demon King."

'An armadillo did that?'

"The former Demon King just looked at me as if to say, 'What is this armadillo talking about?' and wouldn't even listen."

'I can't imagine what else he'd think.'

"After my attempt to speak with him failed, and I'd beaten him half to death, I wondered what to do next."

'Didn't you resort to force?'

"But then, of all things, the Hero attacked."

'I'd almost forgotten the Hero existed.'

"The Hero's invasion happened sooner than expected, and they reached the Demon King's castle in no time."

'Most of the monsters had been driven to remote areas, after all.'

"Even Tanaka-san couldn't stand up to the cheat Hero and was defeated. The Hero pushed all the way to the throne room where Weinlira was."

'I can't get over how highly you think of Tanaka-san.'

"Weinlira resisted, but she couldn't defeat the Hero, who might even surpass the Creator God. She was driven into a corner."

'It sounded like such a peaceful world, but the Hero was unbelievably strong.'

"Apparently, the human world was a dystopian society in utter turmoil."

'Maybe the world would be better off ruled by the Demon King. But was she all right?'

"Yeah. I stepped in and tried to persuade the Hero."

'An armadillo did that?'

"The Hero just looked at me as if to say, 'What is this armadillo talking about?' and wouldn't even listen."

'I can't imagine what else they'd think.'

"After my attempt to persuade them failed, and I'd beaten the Hero half to death, I wondered what to do next."

'Didn't that solve the problem?'

"Anyway, Weinlira was still a child. I told the Hero to go back to the human world and face her when she invaded after growing up, then kicked the Hero out into the human world. That settled things."

'If an armadillo beat them half to death, they probably had no choice but to obey.'

"But the former Demon King had watched everything from inside a nearby locker, and changed his mind."

'Were you the one who locked the former Demon King, whom you'd beaten half to death, inside it?'

"The former Demon King decided that the Hero was already stronger than Weinlira, and that there was no way she could rule the world."

'The Hero was defeated by the Demon King's pet armadillo, though. How did you win?'

"A cheat Hero with little experience was no match for an armadillo ninja with armor that cheat abilities couldn't penetrate."

'So you were a ninja.'

"With the former Demon King's permission, Weinlira remained the Demon King, but she no longer had to invade the human world."

'I'm glad things ended peacefully.'

"And for some reason, I became number one after that."

'You were the pet who defeated the Hero. You defeated the former Demon King, too, though.'

"It didn't sit quite right with me, but the honor of staying by Weinlira's side wasn't bad. She grew into a benevolent Demon King and succeeded in making peace with the human world."

'I'm glad everything worked out so amicably.'

"There were all sorts of things going on behind the scenes, but I rushed in to help with the negotiations."

'And beat them half to death.'

"No, no. Once word spread that an armadillo had defeated the Hero, everyone came to the negotiations with a friendly face."

'Now that you mention it, I suppose so.'

"Weinlira had become a fine Demon King, but the time came to say goodbye. My time was up—the lifespan of an armadillo."

'Armadillos live up to about fifteen years.'

"I kept my hardness, but even I couldn't fight the aging of my body."

'You kept your hardness, did you?'

"When the day of our final farewell finally came, I said my last words to her, and, well, she cried."

'She was losing her number-one pet. It couldn't be helped.'

"It was embarrassing to make such a fine woman cry after she'd grown up, especially since I never made a move on her."

'I noticed one unnecessary comment in there.'

"Weinlira told me stories about all the memories we shared. How she'd kicked me around like a ball on our walks, and how Tanaka-san had asked her to kick him, too, afterward."

'I told you I didn't need to know that.'

"She talked about how I'd listened to her worries, and how she still remembered the taste of that black candy."

'――It was recommended by that grandmotherly goddess, after all.'

"She talked about my going to the former Demon King and about how I'd jumped in front of the Hero to save her, and everything that happened afterward. I nodded along, and before I knew it, I was dead."

'I see. It seemed like you had a fair amount of freedom, but you came back after all.'

"Yeah, it was close. I started wanting to try the black candy."

'I see. So how did it taste?'

"It tasted like black candy."

'Naturally.'

"Oh, here's a souvenir. It's a portrait of me that Weinlira drew. She gave it to me, so I brought it back."

'I don't know what I'd do with a picture of you, but as a picture of an armadillo, it's not bad. Should I hang it somewhere around here?'

◇

"Oh? What are you eating?"

'Black candy. It's not bad once in a while.'