Chapter 62
62. The Heart of Contradiction
After defeating the field boss, my Sensory Enhancement skill leveled up once more.
And I also learned a new active skill, [Sensory Amplification]. Its effect is simple: it strengthens the five senses.
When I activate Sensory Amplification, I can sense my surroundings more sharply than usual, and at that moment I become, quite literally, a living radar.
It isn't just that I become more sensitive; I can even use echolocation to pinpoint locations through reflected sound.
Growth achieved by smashing through a crisis is always exhilarating. Satisfied, I returned to the dark elf village.
In the village, Eleanor was waiting for me, looking as though she'd stayed up all night.
“You smell of blood.”
Come to think of it, dark elves have keen noses. I'd changed clothes, but the smell of blood hadn't gone away.
The situation was that I'd suddenly gathered my gear and gone out in the middle of the night, then come back reeking of blood.
She could have pressed me about what happened, but Eleanor only looked at me with an enigmatic expression.
“As expected, you're my type……the more I look at you, the more I want you. It's such a shame we're different races.”
Hmm, I thought she was about to say something profound, but no. She'd said her type was something like a wild younger guy.
Looks like Eleanor was pleased that I'd come back smelling of blood.
“But you stayed up all night too, right? You don't need sleep? And it doesn't look like you've eaten either?”
“Not really.”
“Humans do tend to eat fairly often, don't they? Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever eaten together.”
Makes sense. The whole dark elf race tends to eat infrequently, and I always make do with White Roll anyway.
Of course, the dark elves do try to feed me snacks the moment our eyes meet, but anyway.
Besides, I had just eaten White Roll right after taking down the field boss, so I didn't need anything else, and I didn't really need sleep either.
“I don't have much of an appetite.”
I answered vaguely. It wasn't really a lie either. My appetite, and even my desire for sleep, had long since faded.
Or rather, it wasn't so much that they faded on their own as that I cut them off myself.
Even back when I was stuck on the first floor, I still had the gall to pick out only the tastiest food every day and stuff my face with it.
If I'd entered this seventh floor with the same state of mind as back then, living day by day by only satisfying those one-dimensional desires, what would have happened?
Wouldn't I have ended up depending on the dark elves for three meals a day and snacks, then rolling around with Eleanor at night?
Imagining that version of myself made disgust rise in me on its own. I'd be worse than an animal.
The duty and sense of responsibility buried deep in my chest are what's making me human.
“I see. That's not very good, then.”
Eleanor said that sadly, but I liked the fact that I was losing my appetite.
**
After a brief chat, Eleanor and I parted ways. Neither of us had much time to spare.
I went straight to the scouting unit's building and, brushing off the dark elf scouts' curiosity, looked for Rizmel.
As soon as I met Rizmel, I headed back to the training grounds. After a quick warm-up, I resumed yesterday's training.
Rizmel seemed to want to lower the difficulty from yesterday and take things slowly, but I naturally refused.
-Slash!
In the dark shadows, a sword swung without relying on sight and lightly cut the doll apart.
“What? Looks like you're in excellent condition today. You got plenty of rest, didn't you?”
Rizmel looked very surprised by the result, which was completely different from yesterday's, even though I hadn't done any extra training.
Well, half right.
I hadn't come back after resting, but I was in good condition, too.
And the training continued. As the test advanced rapidly, Rizmel's expression grew worse and worse.
At first, she was all smiles, praising me and even snapping at me not to get too cocky.
By the time I was effortlessly taking down five dolls at once and starting to perfectly reproduce the moves I'd shown yesterday,
……
Realizing something was off, Rizmel clamped her mouth shut and glared at me with a furrowed brow.
I ignored her and showed off my growth without holding back.
With my eyes closed, I calmly defeated the dolls, proving that I had completely mastered the expansion of my senses.
“What's going on?”
Rizmel suddenly grabbed my shoulder with a fierce expression. I answered casually.
“You taught me, didn't you? Is there something wrong with that?”
Rizmel shook her head and said that wasn't the case at all.
“You……what did you do last night?”
Concern filled Rizmel's eyes once more.
**
I hadn't committed any crime, nor done anything I had reason to feel guilty about. So I explained confidently.
“I just went and practiced in real combat. It's nothing.”
But once I'd said it, it didn't sound all that honorable. That's probably my lack of eloquence.
“Practiced in real combat? Are you kidding me? How is fighting while getting your eyes cut just practice!”
Rizmel leaned in close, glaring at me as if interrogating me and raising her voice.
“I told you time and again—don't overdo it, don't get anxious, you're doing fine……and yet, why?”
“What?”
“Why are you acting like you're desperate to die? There was no need to do anything that dangerous.”
No matter how you looked at it, I couldn't deny it here. I answered calmly.
“Yeah.”
“Then why?”
“Because I can.”
I brought out the words I'd said before once again.
Just like with the crystal spider, I simply did it because I could.
Rizmel had heard that answer back then too, and she started teaching me swordsmanship.
“I thought you had some important goal, and that you wanted to get stronger as fast as possible.”
“So you kept throwing yourself into real combat. That's why I decided to teach you swordsmanship.”
“I thought that if I taught you and made you strong enough, you wouldn't have to take dangerous risks anymore.”
“But watching you all this time, I realized that wasn't it. You seemed to have plenty of breathing room.”
Then Rizmel fell silent for a moment. I waited without saying anything for what she'd say next.
“You just like getting stronger, don't you.”
The words she said after the silence had, in a way, seen straight through what I was thinking.
Rizmel had realized that I was taking pleasure in growing stronger.
**
I cleared the first floor and, for the first time, learned the thrill of growing through effort.
That thrill was such a huge, unfamiliar rush to someone like me, who'd been hooked on cheap dopamine, that I chased after it for a while.
No, even now it's no different. I still writhe in intense pleasure every time I grow. So what?
Isn't enjoying effort a perfectly good thing?
Right now, isn't that thrill of growth the biggest driving force that lets me keep conquering the Tower of Trials and moving forward?
“If you thought you could only grow through dangerous methods and that was the only way, then I can understand.”
Rizmel continued in a trembling voice. Again, I listened without arguing.
“But that's not the case anymore. Just following what I teach you is enough. I thought you were satisfied.”
Rizmel wasn't wrong. In fact, I was perfectly satisfied with training with her.
Only this time was a little different. Even I couldn't quite put my finger on what was different.
“Did you hate it because I was being too careful? Is that it?”
It was a hard question to answer. There was definitely a part of me that didn't like her concern.
But I couldn't say that was the reason. Looking back, even I wasn't sure.
If I had to sort it out one by one, maybe the biggest thing was the impatience I'd started to feel.
Thinking about it like that, it was a little strange.
Why had I been so especially impatient yesterday? As I thought it over, the answer came surprisingly quickly.
It was because if I stayed too long among the dark elves, I might go back to being the pathetic bastard I used to be. That was it.
If that was the case, why had I started thinking that way? Easy. Just like Rizmel said.
I was already satisfied with growing stronger through training with Rizmel. Because I'd become satisfied.
I mustn't allow myself to be satisfied.
I had cut off all my desires. I limited my meals to White Roll and was gradually reducing my sleep as well.
Even as I was captivated by the dark elves' breathtaking bodies, I rejected Eleanor's temptation outright.
“Yeah, you're right.”
Rizmel said I was acting like some bastard desperate to die. That was a frighteningly accurate description.
I said I was doing it because I could, but the truth was that my real motive was something else. To think I'd only just realized it.
“I wanted to die.”
Seo Jin-hyuk, that trash of a human who shamelessly used maternal love as a pretext to exploit and kill a person.
I wanted to kill that bastard.
Just seeing that bastard satisfied and happy twisted my insides, and I kept driving myself toward death.
But if I died, I wouldn't even be able to get out of the Tower and apologize to Mom, so I couldn't even do that.
Wanting to live, wanting to die—both were my true feelings. Both were my desires.
However, the vow I had driven into my chest wouldn't allow either.
‘I won't stop, and I'll keep moving forward endlessly. Until I break through the ceiling of this Tower and escape.’
Sorry for confusing you, Rizmel.