Chapter 66
66. Will and Heart
I sat cross-legged and concentrated.
My breathing was always regular, broken into a fixed number of breaths.
I shook off all the stray thoughts that arose on their own and focused solely on sensing the mana inside my body.
As time passed, the sound of my heartbeat pounded loudly in my ears. I could feel the tremors of muscles I couldn't control by will.
But no matter how much time passed, I couldn't feel mana or whatever the hell it was supposed to be at all. What the hell was it, anyway?
“Fuck.”
I spat out a curse and stood up. Every time I meditated, all it did was pile on more stress.
It had already been a week since I started learning mana sensitivity from Eleanor, and during that time I'd done my best to meditate.
But this was the result. Far from awakening mana sensitivity, I was just racking up stress day by day.
Maybe the elven training method—something born from their innate mana affinity—just didn't suit me.
No, maybe meditation itself just doesn't suit me.
Right from the start, the whole sitting still and forcing myself to concentrate part was a problem.
I had no idea what I was supposed to do to stay perfectly still and focus my mind. I didn't even know what I was supposed to focus on.
Eleanor told me to focus on the mana flowing through my body, but how was I supposed to focus on something I couldn't even feel?
And, to begin with, I'm bad at concentrating.
What kind of concentration could some pathetic shut-in who spent all day clicking community humor posts and short-form clips possibly have?
The only time I can truly concentrate is in battle, when my blood starts boiling on its own.
Unless I forcibly put myself in a situation where I overworked my body and couldn't focus on anything else, stray thoughts would keep springing up forever.
Do I really have to do waterfall training or something?
Maybe if I got pounded nonstop by ice-cold water, the stray thoughts would disappear. Maybe I'd even build some related resistance.
Or maybe instead of a waterfall, I should light a fire and meditate inside it?
That would raise my fire resistance too, and maybe extreme pain would get rid of the stray thoughts.
The problem is that my fire resistance is already so high that ordinary flames won't do a damn thing, even if I'm seared by them a hundred times over.
On the 7th floor, the backdrop is a forest, so fire-element monsters don't appear, but I wonder if any of the dark elves can use fire magic?
If I stayed inside magical flames, I might be able to feel what mana is a little better too.
Since I thought of it, I might as well put it into action right away. First, let's find someone who can use elemental magic.
A few hours later.
Since most dark elves use shadow magic, it was very difficult to find someone who used elemental magic.
“My, you're that human guest from the rumors? You're looking for a mage who can use fire magic?”
Still, it wasn't a complete dead end. I managed to find one scout who could just barely handle fire magic.
“Uh, I'd like it if you could start a fire for me, as strong and as long-lasting as possible.”
The scout readily agreed to my request, and I immediately stepped into the wall of flames that was created.
“Hey, what are you doing now!”
And five seconds later, I was dragged back out.
**
The news that I'd tried to meditate by going into the fire reached Eleanor quickly too.
“Trying to sense mana that way—across the entire world, you'd probably be the only one. How absurd.”
I didn't agree with Eleanor.
There probably weren't many, but I figured there had to be at least one.
“There couldn't possibly be even one.”
Eleanor cut me off flatly. Unlike usual, she was extremely resolute.
“Even if you used a method like that, I don't think you'd be able to feel mana any better. You're quite stubborn.”
Being called stubborn was unavoidable. Including sensory enhancement, I'd always learned skills this way.
“Still, I didn't expect you to be that weak at meditation. I didn't think you were lacking in concentration.”
“Really? I thought so.”
“You have a very low opinion of yourself. Anyone who saw you fight once would think the same.”
I appreciate the high praise, but that doesn't help me get stronger at all. If anything, it gets in the way.
“And I still don't think you lack concentration. Maybe it's a matter of the heart?”
“The heart?”
“I once said that the way you fight looks very precarious, didn't I?”
Yeah, she had. Wasn't that the day we came back after Rizmel and I took down the crystal spider?
You said it looked like the sword and I were thinking different things.
I remember just brushing it off as an abstract remark.
Besides, what could a sword possibly be thinking on its own?
“A sword is a tool. And tools are swung according to a person's will.”
“If that's the case, what do you think it means when the sword and its master seem to have different thoughts?”
“It means the reason you're swinging the sword and the feeling in the moment you swing it don't match.”
Saying that, Eleanor stepped closer and placed her hand over my chest.
“Your heart seems more precarious than anything else to me.”
Eleanor's words hit the nail on the head with shocking precision.
Just as she said, my heart and mind are clearly in a precarious state.
I've always been drawn to base desires, and I've hated myself for being drawn to them.
Even though I had appetite, sleep, and sex drive, I'd cut them all off myself.
Even as I threw myself into danger seeking death, I still struggled to survive and escape this tower.
I only recently realized just how unstable my mind was.
But Eleanor had noticed it from the very beginning—that my heart was in a very precarious state.
“You're acting in direct opposition to what you want deep down. That in itself means tremendous willpower, but I don't think that's a good thing.”
Eleanor took her hand off my chest and, this time, placed it on her own.
“I always act according to my desires. My will always runs in the same direction as my heart. Have you ever heard this saying?”
“Will is an arrow, and the heart is a flame. When the two join together, they become a fire arrow that can even pierce the sky.”
“Rather than going into the fire to meditate, shouldn't you be relighting the dying flame?”
The light in Eleanor's eyes as she said that was the same one I'd seen long ago.
A light like the stars in the night sky, one only a dreamer could produce.
**
Eleanor's story certainly hit hard, but it didn't actually give me anything practical to use.
I understood that my contradictory will and heart were creating stray thoughts and interfering with meditation.
But I still didn't know how to solve it. It didn't seem like the kind of problem that would yield an answer quickly just by thinking about it.
Maybe I'm really better off just going into the fire and erasing the stray thoughts through pain?
Or maybe I should get a cushion studded with thorns and sit on that, or really do waterfall training.
When I said that, Eleanor smiled bitterly.
“Yes, I knew you'd say that. Well, I wasn't saying it because I expected you to change.”
Then she added that it would be enough if, someday, when I changed my mind, I remembered what she had said.
It did seem like I'd have a hard time forgetting what happened here.
“Now then, enough with the advice... let's move on to a practical solution this time, shall we?”
“A solution? There's something like that?”
“Of course. I've been looking into various methods for you over the past week.”
Eleanor said that with a triumphant expression. Her chest, thrust out so proudly, kept catching my eye.
Come to think of it, I had assumed she'd just tell me how to meditate and leave me alone. So she really had been looking for a method in her own way after all.
For some reason, I was seeing Eleanor in a new light today. As expected, the dark elf princess really is on another level.
“I searched the library and found an ancient secret technique of the night elves. With this, you should probably be able to get the hang of it quickly.”
Eleanor said that and took a small scrap of paper from her pocket.
It was written in the elven tongue, so I couldn't tell what it said. I immediately asked Eleanor.
“What exactly is that secret technique? If I have that, can I feel mana?”
Eleanor shook her head and answered that it wasn't that convenient, but it could indirectly convey the sensation.
“It's a secret technique that connects two minds and transfers thoughts. We already tested its effect ourselves yesterday, and it worked pretty well.”
Just from the explanation, it sounds like telepathy or something. How is that supposed to help?
“I'm going to directly transmit to you the sensation of feeling mana. Then you should be able to get a feel for it, right?”
Ah, I see. That should definitely help.
After all, the biggest reason I can't focus on meditation is that I can't feel mana at all.
Once I indirectly feel mana through that secret technique, I'll know what to focus on and how.
“Heh-heh, I'm looking forward to it.”
Though for some reason Eleanor's smile seemed a little sly.
Nothing bad will happen, right?