How She Stands Up on Her Own

By the time I came to, I was in a back alley.

I couldn't remember what had happened.

No... Actually, I remember everything.

I was just pretending not to know.

"Ah…."

Because I felt I mustn't remember it.

Because I felt as if something inside me would collapse.

As I always did, I knelt and placed my hands on the ground, but I didn't retch.

My stomach churned and the world spun before my eyes, but I couldn't vomit, as if something were choking my throat.

I couldn't shake the fact that someone had died because of me.

I thought I could finally be a little happy, but it seemed that my selfishness had gotten someone else killed.

'It's my fault.'

The memory of that day, buried deep in the back of my mind, began to crawl back up.

The memory of when I was drunk on my power and arrogantly believed I could do anything.

My arrogant former self, confident that I could save everyone.

The family and friends who died because of that arrogance.... No, those I caused to die with my own hands.

―A tiny magical girl like you thinks you can kill me?

―Hmph! Don't call me small! I've fought something much bigger than you!

Ska, the first and last humanoid monster to appear in the city I protected.

Drunk on my power, I fought that monster like a mad thing.

I was excited to have found a worthy rival for the first time.

Yes, back then, I simply enjoyed fighting. Blood? Guts? I didn't care about any of that.

Every time I killed a monster, Mom praised me for my hard work, and Dad gave me a thumbs-up, saying I was awesome.

Every time I protected people, my friends praised me, saying I was amazing.

That's why I liked the cheers and praise that came when I killed monsters.

That's why I enjoyed fighting.

―Run…!

But I was too young, blinded by other people's praise, and failed to think about the consequences of a fight between me and the monster.

I kept following the monster as it moved, fighting and fighting.

When I held my blade to the monster's throat.

―Despair. Even if you kill me here, your despair is only just beginning.

It was only after everything I'd tried to protect had been completely destroyed.

Mom, who would have praised me for my hard work, and Dad, who would have patted me on the back and told me I was awesome.

They had all died in the aftermath of my fight.

―It hurts, I don't want to die…!!

―Sob, sob.... Mooooom....

Even my friends, whom I had wanted to protect, lost their precious families because of me.

Neither the citizens nor the buildings had come through unscathed.

Everything had happened because of my selfishness.

Then and now.

"Seo-ah, myong."

I raised my head at the voice calling me.

"Myo-a…."

"That's why I told you, myong. A magical girl's hesitation means the deaths of powerless citizens, myong."

When she shook her head, I seized Myo-a by the throat.

"You son of a bitch...!! Don't talk as if you did nothing wrong when you're the reason I was late getting to the scene!!"

"I understand the desire to blame someone, but this incident wasn't my fault, myong."

"…!!!"

I clenched my teeth and grabbed Myo-a with both hands, tearing her apart.

"Nothing will change just because you tear my body apart like this, myong."

"Shut up."

But a magical girl's mascot is a being that cannot die.

Myo-a calmly raked at me with the head I had torn off.

"The citizens' deaths were bound to happen sooner or later, myong. Since Seo-ah's heart had turned toward one person instead of everyone, it was only natural for the magic meant for everyone to unravel, myong."

"Shut up…!! I said shut up!!"

"A magical girl's power is her wish. The more unreachable the dream, the stronger it tends to be, myong. But, Yoo Seo-ah.... Your heart chose a firefly within reach, not a star beyond your reach. You woke from an impossible dream and settled for reality."

Crack, creak…!

"Do you think you wouldn't have been late if I hadn't spoken to you? When the alarm rang, who was at fault for the magical girl who should have rushed out immediately dithering instead because of her selfishness? Was that my fault, too?"

"Ah, no.... I...."

"Your selfishness is what killed those people."

Myo-a looked down at me with bright-red eyes and said.

It was your fault.

It was my fault.

"But don't worry too much. It's not too late yet."

"What do you mean, it's not too late...?"

She said this while placing a large rabbit paw on my shoulder.

"Distance yourself from the angel. Instead of staring at the firefly in your hand, look up at the sky. Become a magical girl who dreams of stars. Then you can return to the way you were."

"The way I was…."

"That's right. Become a magical girl who protects everyone. A being whom everyone praises and idolizes. Become everyone's idol. It's something only you can do."

Her bright-red eyes reflected me.

If I returned to the way I was again….

"Then.... Will the dead come back too...?"

"Of course. Now, take my hand. Everything you dream of will come true. Become a magical girl."

My mistakes will become as if they had never happened.

I won't have to take responsibility.

I could kill monsters as if I were dead inside, just as I had back then, and smoke until my lungs rotted away.

All I would have to do was dream alone in solitude, turning my eyes away from reality.

Just as I was about to reach out, entranced by the impossibly sweet offer—

―Seo-ah.

―Seo-ah.

A deeply familiar voice echoed in my ears.

Soft and gentle.... The voices of Mom and Dad.

And….

―Until they become stars that shine on their own, rather than hope that shines because of the praise surrounding them.

The voice of the angel who had believed in me from the bottom of her heart.

'Is this really right? Is this the dream you want?'

What I had wanted….

No. This wasn't what I had wanted.

"…Hey, Myo-a. If everything I dream of were to come true."

I gripped Myo-a's hand as if I were about to tear it apart.

"Then why aren't my family and friends coming back? Why?"

"…."

"Come to think of it, it was strange. Buildings were collapsing and cars were flying through the air right before my eyes, yet no one was getting hurt. And even when their homes or cars were destroyed, even while rescuing the injured, those people cheered for me first."

Cheering because people were still alive?

Yes, of course. That was only natural.

But it was absurd for everyone to act that way.

It wasn't a matter of ignoring people; it was only natural.

Just as a red dot on a blank white sheet catches the eye first, no matter how much good happens, people will notice their own harm first if they suffer any.

It's not because people are evil; the human species simply evolved that way, so it can't be helped.

They're only divided into those who swallow it down and those who express it outwardly.

In the end, it's impossible for everyone to laugh and be happy.

If someone is happy, someone else is unhappy.

No perfect solution exists.

That's how the world is made.

"Up until now, I was the one under the spell, not the people."

'Yes, that's what it was.'

Only now did I understand.

Why I had felt sick every time I killed a monster.

Where this damn guilt had come from.

"You made the injured and dead invisible to me, didn't you?"

So that I would mistakenly believe everyone was happy, and mistakenly believe everyone was cheering and praising me.

To make me believe I was protecting everyone.

"It was for your sake."

"Don't make me laugh…!!"

I had grown weak because I'd settled for reality?

I would become strong if I dreamed?

Everyone could be happy, and no one would get hurt?

Then what about the people who were hurt and killed because of me?

"I merely turned my eyes away from reality…!! I just avoided responsibility by rationalizing it to myself, saying it couldn't be helped!!"

"So what of it?"

"What...?"

"A magical girl is a being who dreams. What's wrong with showing a dream to someone who dreams?"

Myo-a spoke in an unabashed voice and smiled with her eyes.

"What can you do now that you've awakened from a dream? What can you do as someone who isn't a magical girl? Do you really think you can protect everyone? If you truly think so, isn't that the real pipe dream?"

Myo-a mocked me with her sharp teeth and brought her face right up to mine.

"All I did was lessen the burden you had to carry alone. Look at you, shaken by the mere fact that a few citizens died. If it hadn't been for me, your heart would already have broken. Am I wrong?"

Her glassy, bright-red eyes reflected me.

I could see myself, covered in blood from head to toe.

At the sight of that, I looked down at my hands.

How much blood had I gotten on them all this time?

And how many people had I failed to save?

Weren't these the hands of a murderer who had merely killed monsters and never actually saved anyone?

I slowly closed my eyes and clenched my fist.

"Yes. You're right. If it weren't for you, I might have broken."

"Then all the more, you have no reason to refuse."

I let go of Myo-a's hand with a small laugh.

"So from now on, I'll stand on my own."

"…What?"

A small flame kindled in my chest.

It was different from the flame of the lighter I used to light my cigarettes.

Slightly larger and warmer….

The light of a star far, far away shone through the cigarette smoke and illuminated me.

"Instead, I'll dream the dream I want, not the one you want. The dream of saving everyone."

"Do you think you can take responsibility for all those lives by yourself?! Don't make me laugh! That's arrogance, if anything!!"

Myo-a bared her sharp teeth and shouted, as if angry that things weren't going her way.

But I don't back down.

I merely stand against her with firm resolve.

"You said magical girls are beings who dream impossible dreams, didn't you? Then I'll do just that. I'll dream that impossible dream all I want. So don't spout useless nonsense. Just get lost."

Because this is my dream.

Crack――

Cracks spread across Myo-a's body, and before long, she burst apart.

All that remained in her place was a small doll in the shape of a pure-white rabbit.

"…Let's go back."

To the scene.

It's time to take responsibility for what I've done.