Chapter 2
The calluses and scars on my palms had vanished completely.
My changed hands were fair and smooth, without a single wound. The hands of a pampered young nobleman.
I leaped out of bed and stood before the full-length mirror.
A blond, beautiful youth reflected in the mirror was staring at me with a sullen expression.
I was nineteen-year-old me, still unable to shed my childish look.
"I really did return."
By a strange coincidence, I had returned to the day of my nineteenth birthday—the day I had realized my past life.
I let out a hollow laugh and turned my head, only to spot a thick pile of letters heaped on the desk.
[To my one and only star, Azeline.]
[For you, I can give up everything....]
[If I were with you, I could even walk into a pit of fire....]
"What a load of fucking bullshit."
The moment I saw them, my brow crumpled like a sheet of paper.
The stationery was covered in traces of things written, erased, and scrawled anew.
They were my indelible shameful memories. I used to stay up all night revising love letters to send to my fiancée.
Riiip-!
I tore the letters to shreds indiscriminately. Scraps of paper fluttered across the floor like snowflakes.
I still don't understand myself.
Why had I liked a woman like Azeline before I regained memories of my past life?
What had I found so good about her that I clung to her so pathetically, crying and begging?
I had thought there would be no more damned romance in my future. I had my fiancée to thank for that.
Or so I thought.
-Make her fall in love with you and you alone. It's the dream I couldn't fulfill in this life.
"I should've just cursed her out. That would've been easier on my mind."
Honestly, even now, I couldn't believe it.
That I had regressed with Lucia's help? That was plausible enough.
Lucia could have seriously completed time magic, after all.
What I couldn't believe was Lucia's romantic feelings.
"How could she have liked me? Lucia of all people?"
We were the kind of relationship where we'd bicker on the battlefield and develop more bad blood than good.
Unless she'd lost her mind at the end of the world after all her men had died.
The scenario in which she'd had a crush on me for a long time was absurd.
I'd spent my entire life swinging a sword; I didn't have even a speck of romance in me.
Asking someone like that to seduce me was physiologically impossible. Saving the world would be easier.
"Damn it, I'll think about that later. Later. First, don't I have to save the world?"
I set aside the troublesome problem and slowly retraced the failure of my first life.
After regaining memories of my past life, I left my family six months later.
There were many reasons.
I thought my family treated me like an unwanted guest. I had decided that being tied to my family would only limit me.
I would monopolize all the lucky encounters, hone my personal martial power, and eradicate the Outer Gods' lackeys before they could act.
I believed the only way to save the world was through my own overwhelming drive.
In fact, I grew freely without becoming tied down anywhere and eventually surpassed even a Swordmaster with ease.
I even reached the point where I could contend with Lucia on equal terms.
But that was a painful mistake.
I hadn't realized that one hand couldn't fight ten.
Therefore, in this life, I needed to gather my own people.
Companions who would help me save the world.
To do that, first I had to—
Fuck. After all that, it comes back to Lucia?"
Thinking about her only muddled my thoughts.
Hiding in a corner and thinking wouldn't solve anything. It would only make me think about Lucia more.
I grabbed the doorknob and flung the door open.
"Eek!"
Someone happened to be passing in front of my room.
The figure recoiled at the sound of the opening door, pressing tightly against the wall.
Pale platinum-blond hair and large, bluish eyes.
It was my younger sister, Celine von Cardenos.
"O-Older Brother. Have you been well?"
Celine greeted me, pretending to be calm.
It was only pretending to be 'calm.'
Her hand clutching her skirt trembled, and her shoulders hunched.
She kept her gaze lowered to the floor instead of looking at me.
'Of course she'd react that way.'
At this point, I showered Azeline with everything I had, heart and soul, while treating everyone else like fire. I was especially harsh with Celine.
Before being my younger sister, Celine was an illegitimate child.
Since Celine was the easiest target, I clearly remembered snapping at her over everything and using her as an emotional trash can.
"Older Brother?"
Over Celine's youthful fifteen-year-old face, I saw an image of her final moments.
When I returned after leaving my family, Cardenos had already been reduced to a sea of flames.
A mountain of corpses and a sea of blood from the knights. My sister's body rolling across the floor. My father's body reduced to chunks of flesh.
At the center, Celine, now one of the moon's servants, glared at me.
I had no choice but to cut her down after she lost herself and charged at me—with my own hands.
When the murky light in Celine's eyes regained its clear blue hue,
she gently stroked my face with her bloodstained hand.
-Ah, Older Brother.......
The girl who had only mouthed the words finally closed her eyes.
Her final voice became a curse that tormented me relentlessly.
Whenever I thought of Celine, all I felt was guilt, indebtedness, and remorse.
Not only had I treated her cruelly as a child, I had also left the family with that image of me as her last memory.
If only I hadn't left my family. If only I had returned to the family even one day earlier.
It was a futile regret. Past mistakes could not be undone.
But not anymore.
"...?"
Pat-
I placed my hand on top of her head.
***
'Why is Older Brother acting like this?'
Celine's blue pupils shook like an earthquake.
It was a physical reflex conditioned to arise the instant she saw Astin.
From complaining first thing in the morning that the bastard girl was an eyesore, to telling her to get out immediately because he couldn't stand the sight of her.
The moment their eyes met, verbal abuse was a given; sometimes he would even throw things at her.
But today, strangely, he said nothing.
No sooner had she thought that than Astin placed his hand on her head.
...?"
Celine even forgot to breathe as she cautiously looked up at him.
The pressure of the heavy hand resting on the crown of her head. Its meaning was unmistakable.
'Is he going to crush my head!?'
A chill crept over her as that thought occurred to her.
She had just heard a rumor that he had become sharp-tempered while searching for a gift for his fiancée.
Celine squeezed her eyes shut and trembled violently.
'Endure it. I have to endure it. If I scream, he'll torment me even more....'
Astin merely left his hand resting on top of her head.
Why? Was this some new form of bullying?
At one point, she could feel Astin's hand trembling ever so slightly.
"...Huh?"
The moment Celine cautiously opened her eyes, she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
A single transparent tear rolled down Astin's cheek.
Celine froze, and Astin withdrew the hand he had placed on her.
Clomp- clomp-
Astin walked away without looking back. For some reason, his retreating figure looked lonely.
Left alone in the hallway, Celine only blinked stupidly.
"What was that?"
Wasn't he trying to crush her head with his grip? Why had he left without doing anything? And what was with that tear?
There was only one conclusion young Celine could draw.
'Things didn't go well with Sister Azeline!'
They must have had a huge fight, right? Had she rejected his barrage of gifts? Maybe his love letters had been rejected too.
Otherwise, there was no way that Astin would wipe away tears so pathetically.
"Phew, I'm saved."
In any case, it was an enormous relief for Celine.
Yet one question remained.
Why had he grabbed her head only to let go without a fuss?
'Was my head harder than he expected?'
No, no. It's not as if I have a head of stone.
By any reasonable standard, human grip strength couldn't crush someone's head.
Besides, wasn't Older Brother someone who had even been lazy about training?
...."
Just in case, Celine tapped the crown of her head.
Tap tap.
The sound was very deep.
"I guess I really do have a head of stone."
***
Afraid I would show an unbecoming side of myself, I left as if fleeing.
I wasn't normally such a sentimental person.
I couldn't even speak, afraid she would notice the moisture in my voice even if I uttered a single syllable.
"I suppose it makes sense."
Anyone would be overcome with emotion upon seeing family members who had died.
The fact that I didn't burst into tears meant I had shown impressive emotional restraint.
For once, I was grateful to Lucia.
Putting aside how she had foisted the responsibility onto me, without her I would never even have seen my family's faces again.
-Haaap!
-Don't just block! Aim for the wrist!
Just then, a booming battle cry came from outside the window.
It was the training ground occupying a wide area behind the castle.
"Perfect. I need to get my body used to this, anyway."
Hearing those sounds made my body itch again.
This was a body from ten years ago, so it still felt very awkward.
My hands hadn't even developed calluses, so I could manage only a few hundred sword swings.
It would take a long time to adapt.
You can't expect to be full after your first bite.
I turned and headed toward the training ground.
"Haaap!"
On the dirt floor, apprentice knights were drenched in sweat as they traded sword strikes.
And on the raised platform in the place of honor,
full-fledged knights watched the sparring, while a heavily built middle-aged man sat at the center.
He was the head of House Cardenos and my father, one of the Empire's foremost powerhouses.
Grand Duke Valdemar von Cardenos.
Seeing him made emotion surge up again, but I somehow suppressed it.
I took one deep breath, then stepped onto the training ground.
Step-
At the sound of my approaching footsteps, every knight's gaze turned toward me.
Naturally, their looks were far from friendly.
Correction. Open hostility and disgust were written all over them.
And no wonder: at this point, Astin was the family's disgrace and a wastrel.
In the family, he was the lazy young master who neglected his training; as far as Azeline was concerned, he was known as a spineless fool.
To make matters worse, I had even made the family's knights run personal errands for Azeline.
They valued chivalry as dearly as their lives. They must have loved that.
If my father hadn't been there, they would have gossiped among themselves and torn me apart behind my back.
"What brings you here?"
An imposing, deep voice rang out. It was my father's.
Beneath his eyes lay deep disappointment and resignation, with not even anger left.
It was a look I had expected to endure.
"I just came to watch for a bit."
"Watch?"
"At first. But seeing everyone sweat like that makes me want to move too."
My father's brow drew sharply together.
"If you're going to spout nonsense, return to your room at once. If you're truly interested, learn by watching."
I ignored him and strode into the middle of the training ground.
"Learning only by watching doesn't suit me. I'd like to cross swords with those apprentice knights myself."
"This isn't a place for you."
"Then what about over there?"
As I said that, I pointed to the formally knighted knights.
Even I knew sparring with the apprentices wouldn't be enough to warm up. Those were more like it.
Of course, for now that was only my own opinion.
Sure enough, the knights' faces twisted into expressions as if they had bitten into something foul.
It wasn't exactly something a spineless young master who neglected swordsmanship and chased only after his fiancée had any right to say.
Several hot-blooded knights stepped forward, their lips parting.
With the head of the house present, they clenched their fists and desperately suppressed their anger.
'The timing is good.'
Cardenos, the Empire's renowned sword-fighting house, encouraged regular live-blade sparring to cultivate promising knights.
It wasn't merely training or a chance to build camaraderie.
The head of the house personally bestowed a famous sword upon the finest apprentice knight, and that sword was sometimes used in the knight's formal investiture ceremony.
For those who dreamed of becoming full-fledged knights, it was a chance to rise in status.
"I don't need a famous sword or a knighting ceremony."
Whoops.
I smacked my lips the moment I said it.
Grind!
The knights' expressions changed dramatically.
I awkwardly cleared my throat.
"What I want is something else. If I prove I'm superior to the apprentice knights, grant me one small wish."
"A wish?"
"Today's my birthday, after all. Just think of it as a birthday present instead."
My father maintained a heavy silence for a moment.
His sharp gaze swept over my entire body.
It held not a hint of expectation, only cold distrust.
"Do as you please. If you truly have the ability, that is."
"You promise?"
I picked up a sword propped in one corner of the training ground.
A real sword, its edge honed sharp.
The feel of it against the tender palms of my nineteen-year-old hands was quite unfamiliar.
I couldn't even hold a sword properly, anyway.
If he felt the wall presented by an apprentice knight, perhaps he'd develop even a little respect for knights.
Even if he got hurt or humiliated, it wouldn't matter. It was all part of the karma he'd earned as a son.
My father seemed like the sort of person who would think that way.
"Tell me what your wish is in advance."
"Can't I tell you after it's all over?"
"Don't act spoiled. Is it another gift for your fiancée? Isn't it laughable to call that your birthday present?"
Of course it was.
Before I regained memories of my past life, I had been nothing but Azeline this, Azeline that—a broken record.
The political marriage had been my father's unilateral decision, but they said he deeply regretted it after learning what a pushover I was.
He couldn't exactly ask, 'Could we break off the engagement because our son is such a pushover?' so he had merely watched.
"No. It has nothing to do with Azeline."
"Then what is it?"
"Spend some time with me, Father."
In that instant, my father's eyes widened.
Even the murmuring knights fell silent then.
"You want my time?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to learn swordsmanship from me?"
"No."
"Was your heir's education insufficient?"
"That isn't it either."
"Then what exactly is your wish?"
I stood quietly and looked up at the sky.
Bright sunlight poured down, and the earthy scent of wheat fields during farming season drifted over on the wind.
It was a strange yet now-real peace, set against battlefields thick with the smell of blood and strewn with corpses.
There was one thing I had wanted to do with my father on a day like this.
A modest but certain happiness I had ultimately failed to achieve and buried in my heart.
"I want to go on an outing with my father."
A rustle of wheat in the wind broke the silence.
I smiled as I looked at my stunned father.
"That alone is enough for me."