Afterimage

This time, I definitely owe Lucia for this.

If it hadn't been for her, Celine would have been trapped under a false accusation.

Once Celine, who had been sobbing in my arms, calmed down, Lucia glanced up at me.

"I have a mountain of things I want to ask Young Master."

Her crimson eyes swept around the banquet hall. Her brow furrowed ever so slightly.

"I don't think we can talk quietly like this. There are too many people getting in the way."

She was right. Even now, hundreds of pairs of eyes were watching us.

Lucia of high society had defended the wastrel Astin.

It was certainly provocative enough to draw the attention of countless nobles.

"Indeed. There are a lot of eyes on us."

Some of them were downright vicious.

The Crown Prince, the Northern Grand Duke's second son, and even the head of a great merchant guild.

Simply standing beside Lucia made me a public enemy.

I stroked my chin, lost in thought. I had plenty to discuss with Lucia too.

Not that I was trying to seduce her. Just something to discuss as one person with another.

Lucia let out an awkward sigh.

I held up my index finger as if to show off.

"It's not as though there's no way."

"Really?"

Lucia tilted her head, eyes full of curiosity.

Before speaking, I swept my gaze over her dress.

"You're more conspicuous because you're moving around in such a flashy outfit. If you change clothes, it'll be a little better."

Lucia's eyes went round as marbles. Her lips fell open stupidly.

"You want us to change clothes?"

***

"I thought you meant you were going to wear my dress, Young Master."

...Surely not.

I had a spare outfit. A navy tailcoat.

It was somewhat stiff, but I could breathe easier.

Whooosh—

A cool breeze blew pleasantly. An open terrace was far more comfortable than an enclosed place crowded with people.

Lucia awkwardly straightened her clothes. As I watched her, our eyes met.

"Why, why are you looking at me like that.... Does it not suit me?"

"No. I was looking because it suits you."

I gave her the uniform I had been wearing.

Since she'd changed clothes anyway, another feminine outfit would only make her stand out.

The outfit least compatible with the Lucia people knew was a uniform.

As it happened, the one I'd worn here was a uniform. Its color, the black of the Black Lion, was the exact opposite of Lucia's bright, feminine aura.

Her hair was tied in a ponytail too, so no one would recognize her from a distance.

"Hmm, so this is your type, Young Master~"

Lucia smiled mischievously.

Indeed, Lucia in a uniform felt more familiar to me. It wasn't particularly my type.

"It suits you far better than a dress. Enlist."

"I didn't know you were a recruiting officer."

I glanced sidelong at her profile.

Her profile against the night sky looked especially beautiful.

Even drifting ash and blood, smoke and gunpowder couldn't leave a blemish on her face.

"It's nice, but it's a little big, isn't it?"

Lucia's sleeves fluttered.

She had folded the sleeves to make them fit somehow, and the hem of her top and trousers was folded up as well.

Even so, the shoulders were too wide, making the uniform look loose on her.

"It isn't uncomfortable, though. And it doesn't retain much of the perfume smell either."

Sniff-sniff—Lucia ran the tip of her nose over the uniform.

Even an action that would look shabby when others did it carried elegance when she did it.

Beauty justified anything. In her presence, everyone's objective judgment—men's and women's, young and old—would be cast aside.

"I hate the smell of perfume. It gives me a headache."

Nobles used perfume to cover their own odors.

A fragment of my modern sensibilities remained. From my perspective, the nobles' stench was unbearable.

They showered once a week, if that. It wasn't quite as bad as the Middle Ages, but they certainly did stink.

"Stinky nobles slather themselves in perfume. I don't use things like perfume; I just wash well and keep clean. I usually shower once or twice a day."

"I can't believe I've found a kindred spirit in a place like this!"

Lucia's voice rose in volume.

She looked like someone who had found a two-eyed kindred spirit for the first time in a one-eyed village. She really did seem delighted.

"No wonder you smell so good. I don't care for strong perfume either. People should smell like people, don't you think?"

"I think so too."

Lucia rested her arms on the railing. I leaned against it as well and tilted my head back.

The sky where the red sunset had faded was a canvas of deep blue, with clusters of stars scattered like silver dust. It was quite a spectacular sight.

"It's strange. Other men are desperate to exchange even a single word with me somehow, but you seem indifferent even when you're right beside me, Young Master."

"My heart's pounding like crazy right now."

"Want to feel it?"

I maintained my silence. Lucia gave a little laugh and nudged my side with her elbow.

"You even tried to run away from me. How aloof."

"Have you never considered that I might dislike you, my lady?"

"Oh, come on. You just called me a kindred spirit, and now you're drawing a line between us."

"You were the one who called us kindred spirits...."

A stray thought cut me off.

Kindred spirit. Lucia was more than some kindred spirit to me.

A comrade-in-arms who had shared life and death with me. My one and only friend who had survived until the very end.

"Mmmngh—! Ah, I feel alive again. The banquet hall must be in an uproar by now."

She stretched, then giggled mischievously.

"Those people must be searching for me with their eyes on fire. Let them search for the rest of their lives. They probably wouldn't recognize me even if they saw me."

"It must be tiring to hide like this. Why didn't you push them away and tell them you disliked it?"

"People aren't things you can push away. I'm not an object."

Lucia rested her chin on the railing.

"People don't get pushed away; they fall. Then I'd be the only victim because they'd say I'd hurt their feelings. That happened a lot when I was young."

"When you were young?"

"It still happens a lot."

Lucia took in the night sky. The Milky Way settled into her ruby-colored irises.

"I guess everyone puts their own feelings first, no matter what others say. Well, I suppose that's just how people's hearts are."

Soon, my reflection appeared in her two eyes.

"You seem altruistic, at least, Young Master. You think of others more than yourself, don't you?"

"I'm selfish to some extent too. I only care about myself."

"Then why did you buy General Vermang's sword? You paid fifty million shillings for it."

"I bought it because it was worth buying."

"So you're a knight who knows honor?"

"Because I'm a Cardenos. I can see the honor and glory dwelling in that old sword, the sweat and blood soaked into it."

"I get it. You're not selfish, Young Master. You're deeply understanding."

Lucia's lips moved soundlessly. For some reason, she seemed to have difficulty opening her mouth.

"General Vermang. He was someone deeply connected to me."

I reflexively opened my mouth, then closed it again. The words had caught in my throat.

This was the first I'd heard of Lucia having any connection to Vermang.

Not in the printed compilation, nor in my first life.

"He was my anonymous benefactor. He paid off all my family's debts, and even covered my living expenses and tuition. He was someone I was deeply grateful to."

"That's the first I've heard of it. Are there many people besides me who know?"

"I don't think anyone else knows. He kept it secret. He hid it because he feared people might suspect that a high-ranking military officer had colluded with a noble under the pretext of sponsorship."

The corners of Lucia's eyes curved as she looked at me.

"You didn't know, did you?"

"No. I had no idea."

"I thought so. If you'd bought it to win my favor, your intentions would have been obvious. I think that's why I came to like you even more."

Come to think of it.

There was still a lot I didn't know about Lucia.

"I thought I had a vague understanding of you, my lady. I was wrong."

"Pfft—Today's the first time we've met, though?"

In my previous life, I hadn't become acquainted with Lucia until after the Great War broke out.

Even then, all I knew of Lucia was the Lucia from the romance-fantasy novel.

"You just said I wasn't selfish and that I was understanding."

"Yes, I did."

"I thought about it for a moment. But it seems I'm selfish after all."

"Why are you selfish, Young Master?"

The Lucia I knew from the novel was the same as she was now.

The title itself was 'Men Keep Coming After Me, So I Do Nothing but Run Away.'

Lucia was the heroine who lived up to that title all the way to the end.

A dark fantasy novel in romance-fantasy clothing.

There had been countless comments saying that it made no sense for a romance fantasy to have no romantic entanglements with men and a destruction ending.

"I had singled out one person to hate."

My first life, before my regression.

The rumors about Lucia circulating among the public.

"At the time, I had my reasons. I thought that while I was suffering like this, she was enjoying everything life had to offer and doing nothing but complaining."

Rumors that she kissed the Crown Prince in a corner of the Imperial Palace, exchanged embarrassing love letters with the Tower Master, and held secret outdoor talks with the Northern Grand Duke under the pretext of hunting magical beasts.

Such obscene rumors followed Lucia like a shadow.

"There were many others besides me who looked down on her. You could hear scandalous rumors with the slightest inclination of your ear."

A blessing hoarded by one person inevitably feeds on others' jealousy and returns as a curse.

I was included among those jealous people.

Let's be honest.

I hated the woman named Lucia.

"I too listened to those rumors and added to them."

The grand cause of saving the world.

Ironically, it was impossible with an upright state of mind.

Human emotions are shallow and light, but malice alone hardens into something solid.

No. Not everyone is like that.

"It wasn't only that one person. I did terrible things even to the people closest to me."

A person like me needed an emotional trash can.

Before I became aware of my past life, I used Celine that way.

Her day changed according to my mood.

Becoming aware of my past life didn't change me.

Leaving my family was simply running away, and wanting to save the world was merely struggling desperately.

"After sending away the person I'd wronged, I used someone else as her substitute. The person I mentioned at first... the one I'd hated one-sidedly."

I never managed to change until the very end.

I used Lucia, whom I'd never even met, as a new emotional trash can.

―You're a man-crazy bitch. You're the kind of slut who jumps from one man to another for fun.

The heroine in a romance fantasy who played around with men while shirking her responsibility.

A man-crazy heroine who cast aside the heroine's duty despite being the protagonist.

That's how I defined Lucia.

While someone was struggling like hell to save the world, that woman called the protagonist must still be playing around with men even now.

Using my suffering as an excuse, I arbitrarily belittled and vilified her.

"Mired in self-pity, I cursed and blamed her... and shifted all the responsibility onto her. Saying it was all her fault that we'd ended up like this."

My psychological dysfunction became a pretext for hating Lucia.

I heaped all the responsibility onto the protagonist to endure the hell I was going through.

Human malice could become this ugly.

Unaware of what was going on inside me, Lucia before me was worrying about me with clear eyes.

An unbearable shame washed over me.

I swallowed hard and forcibly looked away. I felt as though my voice might tremble at any moment.

"I realized it very, very late. That all the wrongdoing and responsibility were mine."

―You were completely right. I was crazy. It was all because of me.

The more I blamed Lucia, the more she took those accusations upon herself and blamed herself. She was different from me.

She was a heroine who blamed herself rather than others.

―I should've just tried having a proper romance.

A poor person whose insides had rotted away under unwanted obsession.

Unlike my resentment, Lucia had never experienced proper love.

Her regrets and lingering feelings stemmed from that absence.

―Hey, Astin. If tomorrow were the last day of the world, what would you want to do?

What she had said to me may have been a confession she had forced herself to utter.

Lucia wanted to experience love with a man, kiss the man she loved, and roll around in bed with him.

Perhaps even on the last day of the world.

Lucia had loved me, wanted to kiss me, and wanted to roll around in bed with me.

"It's all right."

Those few words brought me back to reality.

I saw my face reflected in her two ruby-colored eyes.

"You realized it and reflected on it, even if it was only now. You just need to sincerely apologize to that person. I'm sure they'll accept you now."

"I can't anymore."

"......What?"

"I can't. Apologize."

Lucia's mouth fell slightly open. A brief silence settled over us.

I had nothing in particular to say, so I waited for Lucia to speak.

"That person......."

A tremor came through in her voice.

"What kind of person were they?"

Complicated thoughts churned through my head.

I barely managed to open my mouth.

"They were a good person, in a way that's hard to describe. I was a pathetic person for hating someone like that."

Even now, I regret that time.

If I'd been with Lucia from the beginning. If I'd opened my heart and talked to her even once. If I'd tried to get to know Lucia.

If I'd sincerely wanted to save the world, so much would have been different.

In the end, the destruction was my responsibility, not Lucia's.

I was the one who should have regressed. Perhaps Lucia knew that too and sent me back.

Lucia might have seen through my feelings long ago.

Did her asking me to seduce her mean that she wanted me to stop hating her and love her instead?

"Poor thing."

I turned my head.

I deliberately pushed my thoughts aside. That helped me face reality.

"What's so pitiful about me?"

"Nothing. Just... don't keep everything bottled up anymore. You look pitiful."

Lucia leaned her upper body forward. Her lower face was hidden behind her crossed arms.

Her eyes, visible above her arms, stared straight at me. Two red eyes. No scars.

"If there's something you want to say, it's better to say it frankly, like you are now. That's how you'll live longer."

She was raising her voice to lighten the mood.

I decided to play along.

"I want to live until I'm so old I can smear feces on the walls."

"Good! All the more reason to take proper care of your mental health."

This conversation felt familiar.

Ha—

Lucia exhaled deeply.

Her white breath was visible in the night air. The puff that looked just like cigarette smoke quickly dispersed into the air.

Lucia's scent drifted to the tip of my nose on the breeze. Her pure, unadulterated scent felt strangely lonely.

"If something feels unfair, say it's unfair; if you dislike something, say you dislike it; if you like something, say you like it. Live by expressing yourself that way. Ah... now that I say it, I don't do that myself. I can start now, I suppose."

The sleeves of the uniform fluttered in the night wind. A uniform unstained by dirt or blood. Lucia fastened the collar.

Her ponytail fluttered in the breeze. My gaze wandered to her neatly arranged hair.

"I'll start with myself. I'm sorry, Young Master. Let me apologize once again for misunderstanding you at first."

"......Me too."

I wanted to offer the same apology.

But when I looked into that pair of red eyes, I closed my lips.

Lucia quietly stared at my face. For some reason, I wanted to avoid those eyes.

"And thank you. For protecting General Vermang's honor. I mean it."

"......."

"You said you could see the honor and glory dwelling in the sword, didn't you? I couldn't see them. I was only trying to save my benefactor's face. It feels a little... embarrassing."

Just as there are things only I can see.

There are things only Lucia cannot see.

People cannot see themselves without a mirror.

"A knight who knows honor... Isn't that kind of romantic? It's cool, too."

Hearing the word 'cool' come from her lips didn't feel real.

I would rather have heard her say I looked like a chain-smoker.

I stared blankly into the air. I fixed my gaze there as if admiring the night sky.

―High mountain~ deep valley~ You know? The one you taught me.

"High mountain—deep valley—"

A song flowed between my lips.

"Desolate—mountains and rivers—"

"What is that? Where did that come from all of a sudden?"

"It's a military song. One I made up."

"You made up a military song yourself?"

"Yes. Would you sing it with me? It's a little awkward alone. You can start with High mountain—deep valley—."

"Eek, a military song for a lady? It doesn't suit me. It really doesn't."

"......Is that so?"

It really hadn't suited her. Back then, I had hated hearing it so much.

I had never taught it to her, nor had we ever sung it together.

She had merely overheard me muttering, and I had sung it alone, like a nightingale.

Traces of me had melted into her world.

"Young Master Astin."

"Yes."

"Do you remember the question I asked you at the entrance to the banquet hall? When I asked whether we'd met somewhere before?"

"I answered that we must have seen each other once or twice in passing."

"I don't mean a brief encounter. Have you ever seen me much more deeply?"

"I'm not sure."

I gazed blankly at Lucia.

A uniform neither soiled by dirt and dust nor worn out.

A neatly tied ponytail, not tangled like dog fur.

A clean yet lonely scent.

The fact that the eyes looking at me numbered two, that one of them wasn't dark gray, that there were no scars.......

"Not as far as I know."

"Really?"

"Yes."

The night wind felt especially cold.