Chapter 29
***
As soon as Union Berlin was promoted to the third division, it underwent a major upheaval.
For various reasons, a large number of players left, and the vacancies were filled with new signings.
Nearly half of the existing squad was replaced, and naturally, the team's cohesion was completely reset.
Before the season started, they needed to build the team's chemistry to some extent.
But there simply wasn't enough time to build it up step by step from scratch.
'No choice.'
I, Park Chan-hyuk, Union Berlin's all-purpose tool, decided to take care of it.
The easiest way to unite a squad is to give it a common enemy.
Just as soldiers' greatest enemy is their officers, I decided to sacrifice myself and become Union Berlin's public enemy.
'Ah... the one who personifies self-sacrifice is none other than me, Park Chan-hyuk.'
In fact, the plan I came up with was successful in getting the squad to rally as one.
“I’m going to kill that bastard someday.”
“Chan-hyuk, you crazy bastard.”
Union Berlin's players became One Team in an instant. Just as expected from a method validated by South Korea, that great garrison state, it was astonishingly fast.
The looks the players gave me were ferocious, but if you look at it positively, you could say Tuchel's desired mental reconditioning of the squad had been successful.
'One stone, two birds? No, maybe one stone, three birds?'
And besides, it wasn't a bad thing for the players either.
'It's preemptive military experience. Germany still has conscription, after all.'
In 2006, Germany was still a conscription country.
For reference, Germany maintained conscription until 2010, after which it effectively shifted to an all-volunteer system.
'Ah. What am I going to do about my military service?'
Come to think of it, perhaps because this was about the military, my worries over military service were growing deeper.
If I chose to become a German citizen, I would definitely get torn apart by Korean fans.
'Still, I don't want to go through military service twice.'
But just because I didn't want to get flamed didn't mean I wanted to serve in the military twice. The army in this era was, literally, hell.
'If I win a gold medal as a coach at the Asian Games, would that get me a military exemption?'
Just as I was thinking about the military.
I met the main PD's eyes. He was smiling brightly, apparently satisfied with my performance.
I nodded at the main PD's expression, then gave my order.
“Everyone, drop and give me push-ups!”
I'll leave the future to my future self.
For now, I still had to keep providing broadcast-worthy material.
***
The main PD had been worried right up until filming began. He had boasted to the higher-ups that it would definitely be a success, but even he couldn't be certain that a program with non-celebrities would actually work.
A regular person's raw, unfiltered feel can be funny, but there are also plenty of regular people who freeze up in front of a camera.
But the main PD wasn't worried about that part.
Last time, Park Chan-hyuk had played the comic-relief role to a tee and captured the public's attention.
[Title: Edited Clip of Park Chan-hyuk's Variety Show Appearance.]
└ Wow, is he really a coach? Why does he talk so well?
└ Really? I don't really like his tone—it feels weirdly like he's inciting something.
└ More than inciting, he smells like a con man.
└ A con man?
└ Means he smells like a scammer.
└ For real, he gives off Bong Yi Kim Seondal vibes, like the con man who sold water from the Daedong River.
'Chan-hyuk, please, just do as well as you did in the last shoot.'
The main PD, before filming began,
prayed while picturing Park Chan-hyuk's face.
This shoot depended entirely on Park Chan-hyuk's own ability.
Since Chan-hyuk hadn't served in the military, if he clumsily tried to play drill instructor, he'd only end up offending the actual veterans.
[Is the army some kind of joke?]
[Wow. Is the sacred duty of national defense a joke to you?]
[Unserved guy acting like a drill instructor? I'm laughing and moving on lol]
[Sigh, of course an unserved guy pretending to be a drill instructor would be like that.]
I could already predict what kind of comments would show up.
In terms of short-term buzz, it wasn't bad, but long term, it wasn't good.
Once the image of being boring takes hold, it'll take a long time to shake off.
But once the actual shoot started,
“No. 1 trainee, is training camp some kind of joke?”
Park Chan-hyuk was so vicious he reminded me of the senior in the army who used to single me out and chew me out.
“No. 2 trainee, why are you so dissatisfied with the world?”
Among them, his malice toward Thomas Tuchel, Union Berlin's coach, and Chairman Dirk Zingler was enough to make me shudder.
'He seems weirdly excited. Why is that?'
At first, the main PD had wondered what he was doing.
- CP bastard, drop and give me push-ups.
When I imagined him tearing into his direct superior and the head of the entertainment division, I could at least somewhat understand what Chan-hyuk must have been feeling.
'That would be pretty damn satisfying.'
Of course, even if he were given the chance, he didn't think he could actually do it.
'But can Chan-hyuk handle the fallout from this?'
Even with a chance, doing something without thinking about the aftermath was only possible for a crazy bastard like Park Chan-hyuk.
***
Yannik Voigt, now in his second year at Union Berlin,
after the club was promoted to the third division, quit the factory where he worked and decided to focus entirely on football. Even though it was still an amateur league, he had regained his confidence by finishing as top scorer in the fourth division last season.
Of course, since the gap between the third and fourth divisions was bigger than he'd expected, he had no intention of letting his guard down.
'Thomas Meier.'
On top of that, a new positional rival had recently been brought in.
There had been positional competition from Daniel Teixeira last season too, but Daniel Teixeira felt less like a rival and more like a mentor who taught him know-how and experience.
But before Yannik Voigt could properly ignite his rivalry,
“…I’m going to kill that bastard someday.”
“Then I'll help. Just say the word anytime.”
Thomas Meier and Yannik Voigt forged a bond of comradeship.
The two of them burned with hostility toward the great evil that was Park Chan-hyuk.
But their hostility only lasted a moment.
“No. 2 trainee is still being individualistic!”
Seeing the head coach, notorious as a complete psycho, gleefully chewing out the manager,
'...This lunatic.'
Yannik Voigt found himself shrinking without even realizing it.
'I should leave him alone.'
Park Chan-hyuk was making a very strong impression not only on Yannik Voigt but also on the new signings who had joined the club.
***
So far, the training camp had gone extremely well.
“No. 2 trainee, wipe that expression off your face. Do you have any complaints about this instructor?”
“Ack!”
“You have complaints? Then get down.”
“I don’t have any, sir!”
“Really? Then just get down.”
I kept provoking the players, and in the process, I also vented the frustration that had been building up inside me.
As a result.
the squad had completely become one, having forgotten even its positional rivalries.
But even good times eventually come to an end.
Before long, the final day of the training camp arrived,
and it was time to face the fallout.
I looked around at the atmosphere and let out a sigh.
'Ah. I'm screwed.'
Looks like I got a little too carried away.
The trainees(?)' gazes on me were ice-cold.
- Chan-hyuk, I'll never forget your devotion to broadcasting.
The main PD's eyes were saying that even if a bullet were lodged in the back of your head, you'd still deserve to die.
'I wasn't planning to go this far, but I have no choice.'
To survive, I pulled out my trump card.
“From now on, take the hand of the comrade beside you!”
Campfire.
In other words, emotional pandering.
A precious time to wash away the image of a cold drill instructor.
Combine the emotional-pandering vibe of a school campfire with the German I'd learned from Hitler and Goebbels speeches,
and the effect was tremendous.
“Now close your eyes and picture the faces of the fans who bled for the club.”
The players' eyes welled with tears.
“Today, every Union Berlin player has been invited here. I ask you all: are you ready to repay the fans' love?”
“Jaaaaa!”
I naturally stirred up the latent anger inside the Union Berlin players so I could redirect it elsewhere.
“Dem Morgengrauen entgegen, ziehn wir gegen den Wind. (Toward the dawn, we will move against the wind.)”
As the mood heated up nicely and I led the chant,
“Wir werden alles zerlegen, bis wir Deutscher Meister sind. (We will tear everything apart until we become German champions.)”
the players' call-and-response continued.
“FC Union Du sollst leuchten, wie der hellste Heiligenschein. (FC Union, you shall shine like the brightest halo.)”
Union Berlin's anthem naturally echoed across the parade ground.
'Nice!'
I cheered inwardly. I could see a way to survive.
While the players were lost in sentiment,
“It was an honor to meet you all. Then, may everyone return safely and achieve what they set out to.”
I quickly finished my speech.
And just as I was about to leave in crisp, perfectly squared-off military form,
“Chan-hyuk, don't we have something we need to talk about separately?”
someone grabbed my shoulder.
It was Thomas Tuchel.
Behind Tuchel, I could also see Dirk Zingler.
Only then did I realize,
'Ah. I've racked up more karmic debt than I thought.'
that the karmic debt I'd built up toward those two wasn't something emotional pandering could solve.
And that day,
I got thoroughly thrashed.
Still, I managed to survive, so there was that.
***
A few days after Union Berlin's combined training-camp and variety-show shoot ended successfully,
SBK aired Union Berlin's variety-show teaser.
[Union Berlin Goes to Training Camp.]
The title appeared, and the video began with a sorrowful BGM.
“No. 1 trainee, did you come here to have fun? Is training camp a joke?”
Park Chan-hyuk (Instructor, Trait: Not yet served.)
The oddly drugged-up editing drew the viewers' attention.
“Ack!”
Dirk Zingler (No. 1 trainee, Trait: Chairman of Union Berlin.)
As the character introductions appeared, the viewers had no choice but to stare in confusion,
and it became a hot topic in several online communities.
[Title: Hey, what is this?]
(Union Berlin training camp teaser)
└ ???
└ Who's that lying face-down in front?
└ Dirk Zingler.
└ Who the hell is that?
└ Chairman of Union Berlin.
└ ??????
└ He's the chairman? Isn't that a big shot? Why is he in push-up position over there?
└ Park Chan-hyuk made him do it.
└ ?? What kind of bullshit is that...?
└ Don't ask me either, because I don't get it, damn it.
└ Damn lol, this teaser's clickbait is insane lol
And a few days later,
[Union Berlin vs. Osung Red Wings event match, ticket reservations surge.]
Public attention naturally shifted to the event match between Union Berlin and Osung Red Wings.