Chapter 42
Her mind was as turbid as muddy water.
She realized that what she thought was her daily life could easily be shattered at any time, that her life she thought was peaceful was full of madness, and that what she considered a disaster had actually saved her, though it was achieved through fear and violence rather than gentle methods.
The destruction of daily life.
The reversal of perception.
A world expanded beyond what she could handle.
All of these things were making her bow desperately, pray desperately to an invisible being before her eyes.
"You are like an ascetic."
Had her prayer reached him?
Jinseong appeared before Rise as she was bowing.
"The virtue of a shrine maiden is blind faith, yet you are pursuing something else."
Jinseong said this as he raised Rise to her feet.
Rise looked at him with blank eyes, entrusting her body to Jinseong's touch.
"...Kannushi-sama? How..."
Rise called Jinseong Kannushi.
"Kannushi, Kannushi. It's truly a curious expression, no matter how many times I hear it."
Kannushi/Shinju (神主) (pronounced ‘shinju’ in Korean).
In Korea, shinju referred to wooden pieces used to enshrine the dead, like memorial tablets or paper name tags.
Among the sorcery Jinseong knew, there were also spells that used shinju as material to make god jars.
But in Japan, this expression of shinju referred to a person.
It was an expression with two meanings: another term for a Shinto priest, or the master of a shrine who had subdued and usurped the sacred object.
Considering Japan's situation of monitoring sorcerers coming from outside, it was a favorable expression for Jinseong.
"...Is that so?"
From Rise's perspective, there was no better expression than this.
Although Jinseong was not a person who served gods, he had subdued a god and taken control of the shrine, so he deserved to be called Kannushi.
"Yes, shrine maiden. What do you desire and crave that you are so lost in delusion?"
Jinseong said this as he looked into her eyes.
Rise's eyes were deeply submerged, and it was easy to see that their form had not gone in the correct yin direction, but had sunk due to delusion. No, it was not just easy to see, but he could even feel a sense of nostalgia.
These are eyes I saw often during my mercenary days.
Mercenaries were always accompanied by blood and death.
And if the entire world was engulfed in the ravages of war, these two intensified.
All five senses would go mad with the smell of blood, and death would make them so numb that one could discard life as if it were worthless trash.
Originally, the mercenary profession itself attracted many rough people. There were those who entered because they couldn't control the murderous intent or craving for violence surging in their hearts, those who were crazy for money and used their lives as chips, and those who entered to escape an unbearable past.
The look in Rise's eyes was the same as those often seen in people who became mercenaries to escape.
"I know eyes like yours. It's the look often seen in those who wander without purpose, having lost their way."
"Without purpose, without a way..."
Rise responded to those words.
"...That's right. That might be correct."
She had nowhere to go.
Rise's home became shattered.
Her once caring father was a drug addict who could easily discard her, and the space that was once her home had been taken by Jinseong and became a source of spreading madness.
Moreover, the divine power that once enveloped her body and felt so warm now felt like an inorganic energy, and Mukurikokuri no Inugami, which she had believed without doubt would protect and bless her, was now trapped by the slime and pumping out its divine power like some kind of machine.
She had no purpose.
From the past, Rise had lived a life laid out on rails.
Unlike her friends who went to university, appeared on TV, learned martial arts and magic to pioneer their futures, the only future given to Rise was to support her husband, who would come in as an adopted son-in-law to become an excellent Shinto priest.
She had only accepted it like inertia, with only the thought of providing excellent support if she got married remaining.
But now, those rails were completely shattered.
Her father, who would have pressured her to bring in a son-in-law and support him to become an excellent Shinto priest, had gone mad and was kidnapping his colleagues, and the sacred object she was supposed to serve had become a mere stone. Moreover, despite not being a Shinto priest, she had become able to receive unlimited divine power from the slime created by Jinseong, allowing her to wield power as strong as any ordinary ability user at will.
Even Shiori, who was said to have no match among her peers, and Rena, who showed talent in magic and was taken abroad.
Perhaps she could even easily defeat those above them.
Rise had now gained freedom.
She had to obey Jinseong, but what was wrong with that?
Just as being second only to one person and above ten thousand others wasn’t slavery, Rise was also not a slave. She was just a free person living bound by a slightly stronger rope, like others who live entangled in various places.
That was why Rise was wandering.
Like a hunting dog that didn't know what to do when its leash was suddenly loosened.
Like an animal that had lived in a narrow cage and was suddenly released into nature.
She was accepting the pitch-black future she suddenly faced as confusion, and accepting that confusion as the absence of happiness.
That was how she was wandering.
Jinseong saw through Rise like this.
"You said you want happiness. Is that right?"
"Yes. I..."
"You're not happy?"
"...Yes. I'm not happy..."
Jinseong burst into laughter at her muttering that she wasn't happy.
"How curious. How can you be so identical to those who have just entered the path of asceticism!"
"What?"
He spoke.
"That is the inner demon."
"What? Inner demon? That's..."
"Yes. It's something that usually comes to ascetics or those learning martial arts. But you are experiencing this inner demon, so how can I not say this is curious?"
Inner demon referred to the darkness residing in the heart.
Inner demon referred to the delusion stuck in one's essence.
Inner demon referred to the stain on one's mind.
However, just as it was hard to see inside a dark place when looking from a bright place, ordinary people couldn’t properly recognize inner demons. And even if they wandered in delusion, they only recognized that and didn't try to recognize the essence, so they didn't know that it was an inner demon.
The only ones who properly recognized inner demons were those who repeatedly practiced asceticism, those who sought the Way and explored the world of the mind, and those who refined their mind and body through martial arts.
"Perhaps you were a talent that should have been born in a temple rather than a shrine."
Facing the darkness in one's heart, realizing one's essence, escaping from delusion, expanding and growing one's mind.
This was an excellent talent.
The minimum condition to face the inner demon was to think a lot, and thinking a lot was not something anyone could do.
"Talent..."
"It's clear that seeing the star in your unconscious played a big role in expanding your mind. You have talent."
"Talent... you say."
"That's right. Since it takes talent even to realize your inner demon, you clearly have talent."
Beasts weren’t afflicted by inner demons.
Because they didn't try to expand their minds.
Ghosts weren’t afflicted by inner demons.
Because they chose to hide in the darkness instead of illuminating it.
Therefore, being under the influence of one’s inner demon was proof of being human, and a clear blessing.
But it was only a blessing if one could escape from it; if one couldn't escape, it was no different from a terrible curse.
"Hahaha, how fortunate indeed. To think I've even discovered excellent material here, if this isn't called good fortune, what else could it be!"
Jinseong laughed happily as if he had gained an unexpected profit.
"Yes. I clearly said I would give you blessings, so I'll take responsibility for those words."
Jinseong grabbed the air and pulled a cushion that had been placed far away, placing it in front of her. Then he sat her down and sat opposite her.
A dream...
Because this scene resembled the doctor she had received counseling from, Rise could feel some indescribable emotion welling up from deep within her heart.
It was close to a positive emotion, not betrayal or fear.
"Yes, you said you want happiness. Then are you not happy now?"
"No..."
Rise answered weakly.
"Then let me ask you. What is happiness?"
"What? Well... well... isn't it a state where you feel good?"
"A state where you feel good, you say. Then can we say someone is happy simply because they feel good from doing drugs? If you feel good from drinking alcohol, are you happy, and if you feel good from doing drugs, can you say you're happy?"
"No! That's not happiness!"
Rise raised her voice involuntarily, thinking of her drug-addicted father. Then, suddenly realizing that Jinseong was in front of her, she muttered an apology in a small mosquito-like voice and bowed her head deeply.
"Then what is happiness? Just as good luck and bad luck have no substance and their feeling lies with the receiver, happiness too has no substance and only the individual should be the standard for judgment. So, what can be the standard for happiness if not feeling?"
"...I don't know."
"That's right. You don't know."
Jinseong said, watching Rise's pupils shake in confusion.
"I have seen many like you. They only wander, do not try to fill their hearts, and live just because they breathe."
People who live because they were born.
There were a lot of these people after World War III broke out.
Jinseong really liked these people.
Because they were beings he was truly grateful to as they would allow him to cast spells that could cost their lives without much consideration.
However, since he had said he would give blessings to Rise, it wasn't right to make her become like them. Although they were truly good beings for Jinseong, they themselves were unhappy.
"How can you know happiness and dissatisfaction when you don't know the standard for happiness and can't find the center of your heart? You're not unhappy now, you've lost direction, and you're not full of dissatisfaction, you're full of emptiness."
"Emptiness... you say?"
"That's right. The heart is like water; if it doesn't flow, it rots. You too have lost direction in your heart and can't find your bearings, so it has stopped in place, and because it has stopped in place, it has begun to rot. That's all it is."
Rise quietly chewed on Jinseong's words after hearing them.
Direction.
The direction of the heart.
...I've lost the direction of my heart?
Rise thought Jinseong's words made sense. Apart from believing him because he overlapped with the doctor she had seen in her dream, the content was clearly credible.
Thinking about it, Rise had always had a fear of the unknown.
Although she wanted to deviate, there was a fear and couldn't take bold steps, and although she envied her friends, she didn't train beyond using divine power for self-protection. She didn't try to develop other abilities, nor did she study or develop other special skills.
...I'm not sure. But if I find the right direction, can I be happy?
Having gained freedom, she could now go anywhere.
But that rather became her fear, shrinking her heart and bringing forth the inner demon.
The excessive thinking had become poison.
"Which direction should I go?"
Rise asked Jinseong.
And Jinseong burst into laughter again as he looked at Rise, who was earnestly looking at him.
"Hahaha! Earlier you were like an ascetic, but now you're like a shrine maiden. It's truly exemplary of a shrine maiden to want to look in the same direction and walk in the same direction as the one you serve."
Jinseong laughed like that and then said.
"Let's see. The best way to break the ice is to have a hobby. What do you like?"
A hobby?
Something she liked?
Rise pondered Jinseong's question for a moment.
"I didn't particularly... dislike or like anything. I just liked hanging out with friends. That's how it was, I think."
"Hmm, you liked playing?"
Jinseong seemed to have thought of something at those words.
"Playing, is it. That would be good."
He brought his face close to Rise and said.
"A festival. A festival would be good."
Jinseong's eyes reflected in Rise's pupils–
Were curved.