Chapter 13

Song Chaeyeon stirred the pot with a ladle.

She always made soup an essential part of the meal.

Warm soup was filling and easy to make in large quantities.

Even so, Song Chaeyeon’s breakfast preparations always took a long time.

That was because she had to make breakfast not only for herself but for her five younger siblings, too. These days, the youngest two, who were six and seven, had been growing like weeds, and their appetites had grown considerably.

'... We have enough money for now, but... I might have to think about it when they get a little older.'

Song Chaeyeon murmured to herself, tasted the soup with a tasting spoon, nodded, and turned her head to the side.

"Kids, breakfast!"

...

But all she heard was the thin voices of two children arguing.

Song Chaeyeon sighed, left the kitchen, and strode toward the children’s room.

As she approached, the sounds of their quarrel grew clearer.

"Hey, that’s mine!"

"Whoever touched it first gets it!"

When she reached the open door, she saw that the fourth and fifth children were, as expected, fighting over a toy they were both holding.

Song Chaeyeon sighed again.

She’d bought them so many toys. Why did they always fight over the same one?

Yesterday, they’d fought over the fire truck wedged in that corner. This time, they were clutching the police car they’d left in the corner yesterday. And the fire truck was over in that corner now.

The minds of little children were impossible to understand.

"Minjun, Minseok, you have to get along!"

Song Chaeyeon approached with the ladle held behind her and spoke in a gentle tone.

"......"

"I said I’m going first!"

"No, I’m going first!"

"......"

But the children stared at Song Chaeyeon for a moment, then went right back to fighting.

Lately, the youngest two had been ignoring her more and more often.

It was because she’d been too kind to them, and now they thought they could walk all over her.

Song Chaeyeon knew that, too.

She knew that being a good guardian didn’t mean treating them kindly all the time.

That was why she braced herself.

Then, in a low voice, she began,

"Kids—"

"Hey. Song Minjun. Song Minseok."

The second voice wasn’t Song Chaeyeon’s.

It was a cold voice from behind her.

At the sound of it, the youngest two flinched and glanced at each other.

"O-Okay..."

Song Minseok, a year older, backed down and put the toy down. Song Minjun nodded heavily, then dashed out of the room.

The owner of that voice was Song Chaerin, sixteen years old and the second oldest.

Song Chaerin looked at her older sister and pushed up her glasses.

"The kids are getting more and more brazen. You’re going to have your hands full."

Song Chaerin spoke in a cynical tone. The two looked so different that it was hard to believe they had the same parents.

"Haha..."

If Song Chaeyeon was a bright, healthy-looking woman, Song Chaerin was a demure, bespectacled young lady.

She was a little taller than Song Chaeyeon.

"Breakfast is almost ready, right? I have weekend classes, so give me a little less."

"All right."

Song Chaeyeon smiled and, out of habit, reached to pat her sister’s head.

Song Chaerin dodged her with a look of disgust.

"I’m not a kid anymore. We’re only five years apart to begin with..."

"You look like a kid to me."

Song Chaeyeon said, reaching to pat her head again. Song Chaerin sighed and let her.

As Song Chaeyeon ran her hand over her hair, Song Chaerin asked,

"Are you going somewhere, Unni?"

"Oh, yeah. I’m meeting a younger friend."

"Who? Did you finally get a boyfriend?"

"No, it’s nothing like that. She’s a younger girl from school I’ve gotten close to recently."

"Hmm... Is that so?"

Song Chaerin soon seemed to lose interest. She hummed and walked out of the room.

"Sit tight. I’ll clean up the toys and be right there."

"Okay."

'...... Oh, right.'

Just then, Song Chaeyeon remembered that Chaerin was around the same age as the girl she was meeting.

"Hey, Chaerin."

"Yeah?"

At that, Song Chaerin stopped walking.

Song Chaeyeon mulled over what had happened and asked carefully,

"Could someone your age really not know how to put on a bra or use a sanitary pad? Are kids different these days?"

"What?"

Song Chaerin stood there dumbfounded, as if she couldn’t believe what she’d heard, then let out a deep sigh and spoke.

"Unni. Did you see it in another public service announcement?"

Song Chaerin continued in a tone tinged with pity.

"Unni. Stop watching things about using sanitary pads as shoe insoles, making pads out of toilet paper, or wearing band bras. Honestly, why not just move to some poor country? There are way more people there who need your pity."

"No, that’s not it... I really did see it. A close friend’s younger sister is like that."

"The person you’re meeting now?"

"O-Oh, no!? It’s someone else."

Though that was true, she denied it for now since it had to do with Moon Ihyeon’s private life.

"Um... Anyway, is that really possible?"

Song Chaeyeon asked again.

"Hmm."

At that, Song Chaerin folded her arms, rested a hand on her mouth as she thought, then came to a conclusion.

"...That doesn’t make sense."

"......"

"Kids these days—or, actually, you and I are only five years apart, but anyway, kids these days are more precocious. They hug and hold hands at school... Ugh."

As she spoke, Song Chaerin pretended to throw up.

"Is that so...?"

"She’s the weird one. ...Or else."

Song Chaerin added in a murmur,

"Her home life must be pretty bad."

With that, Song Chaerin left the room.

Song Chaeyeon stood there alone for a moment, thinking.

"......"

'I should treat her well.'

Thinking of the scars on her forearm and wrist, Song Chaeyeon fell into thought.

* *

... This should be good enough.

I pulled the hair trapped inside my hoodie out with both hands.

Gray hair spilled out, swaying like a wave.

I looked at my reflection in the hazy bathroom mirror.

A plain white hoodie and gray sweatpants.

Long gray hair and gray eyes looking back at me.

The black hoodie had suited me well enough, but light colors really went better with my strange hair and eye color.

The oversized hoodie looked pretty good, but the gray sweatpants were still too long and too loose at the waist, so I folded them up and cinched them with a belt.

... I’d wanted to wear something a little neater, originally.

But none of those cotton clothes fit me.

It felt like a waste to throw them out just because they didn’t fit, but selling them...

I don’t know. Every time I get rid of something from my old life, I feel a little reluctant, as though I’m erasing my own existence.

Anyway.

"... I look good."

I said as I turned this way and that to check my appearance.

As I turned, my gray hair swung and fell around me.

Even so, I was meeting a woman, and I wanted to look good for her, at least.

If you asked whether I liked women, I didn’t really know. Maybe it was just a habit.

And if you asked whether I liked men... I didn’t know that, either.

I might have started paying more attention to men... Anyway.

"Hmm."

I leaned close to the mirror to inspect my face one last time, nodded, then left the bathroom and headed for the front door.

* *

The sky was still navy blue, but I could see it gradually brightening as the sun rose over the highest ridge beyond the countless apartment buildings.

Watching it, I thought to myself.

What is it that I want?

After pushing most people away after high school, and now shutting everyone out completely, why wasn’t I rejecting Song Chaeyeon?

Wasn’t I the one who had suddenly come to hate people and cut ties with everyone?

Thinking that, I gazed at the brightening sky.

But I still couldn’t find an answer to the question I’d been thinking about since yesterday.

I don’t know.

Life is mostly just not knowing.

There must be some reason I suddenly want to see people, too.

If it doesn’t feel right, I can just push her away.

... Even if I feel bad for Song Chaeyeon.

I shook off my idle thoughts and stepped the rest of the way outside.

We’d made plans for the morning, but I had no choice but to leave before dawn.

It wasn’t as though I didn’t have enough money for the bus or subway, but it was better not to take a car.

Better to avoid roads altogether. The subway was the same. Either way, it was a vehicle you rode in.

If I got in a passenger car and a truck hit it, I’d die.

If I got in a truck and a bus hit it, I’d die.

Even a bus wasn’t safe.

Even a medium-sized truck had enough force to twist a bus’s frame. If the bus twisted and crashed into the guardrail, it would be more than enough to turn my frail head to mush. A bus didn’t have airbags.

Or if something hit the bus where I was sitting, I’d die instantly. Buses had no seat belts or airbags. Especially with this light, fragile body.

And how could I trust the bus driver?

What if, despite having a clean driving record, they hadn’t sobered up from the alcohol they drank yesterday?

What if they had sinister intentions and planned to take everyone with them?

And what if someone with bad intentions had sabotaged the subway tracks?

After weighing all those reasonable considerations, I decided to walk.

Walking didn’t mean there was no chance I’d die, but it was much lower than on the road.

If I’d known that back then, my mom and my younger sibling...

"... Ah."

I shouldn’t do this.

I barely pulled myself back from the pit of rumination I was about to fall into again.

For now, just walk.

If I did, I’d forget before long.

* *

The meeting place was in front of a plaza. I sat near its outer edge with my hood over my head, staring at the ground.

I’d shoved my hair deep inside the hood.

... I was embarrassed by the stares.

Like when I’d gone out with Song Chaeyeon, when I’d gone to the police station, and when I’d gone to the convenience store.

Wherever I went, men and women alike stared at me. During those three times, I’d been too distracted to care much, even though I’d noticed. Now that I was in my right mind, I could feel their eyes on me, and it was embarrassing.

I understood intellectually that people weren’t looking because I was strange, but because gray hair and gray eyes weren’t something you saw every day.

... Still, it was embarrassing.

So I’d kept my hood pulled down tight as I walked to the meeting place.

Even so, people coming toward me couldn’t take their eyes off me.

I checked the time on my phone and saw that I’d arrived about thirty minutes early.

I’d planned to arrive about an hour early, but I supposed my stride had gotten a lot shorter.

As I looked at my phone, I spotted a familiar figure in the distance.

Her tall frame was easy to recognize even from far away.

... I’m jealous.

Perhaps because she’d arrived early, she looked around, didn’t see me, and sat down.

It seemed she hadn’t noticed me because I was sitting off to the side.

I walked up behind her and tapped her shoulder.

"...?"

"Ah..."

Song Chaeyeon’s eyes were so cold they could have frozen me solid.

Those cold eyes frightened me badly.

I didn’t know she could make that expression.

I flinched and pulled my hand back.

"Huh? Ihyeon, you’re here already?"

Then Song Chaeyeon seemed flustered. She turned her head and body toward me, and the cold look disappeared.

In its place was the Song Chaeyeon I knew, with her usual warm eyes.

"Yes, I got here a little early."

I nodded with a faint smile, then took off my hood and let my hair out.

My gray hair fell around me in a tousled mess.

Song Chaeyeon looked at it, then said, "Oh," and spoke up.

"Ihyeon. I didn’t get a chance to ask last time, with everything going on."

"Yes?"

"Is your hair and eye color natural? Or are they dyed and contacts?"

Saying yes would make me seem less strange, but if we kept meeting, she’d find it odd if I kept looking like this.

I decided to just be honest.

"No, it’s genetic. I don’t know why."

"I see..."

Song Chaeyeon seemed to think she shouldn’t pry any further. She nodded slightly and spoke.

"You don’t have anywhere in particular you want to go, right? I’ll pay for everything."

"I’ll go wherever you want, Unni. I’m not picky about food."

A small sigh escaped me at the word Unni, which had become second nature to me.

"Okay. We’re going to have lots of fun today. We’ll have lunch and dinner, too, all right?"

Song Chaeyeon said with a smile.

But I couldn’t smile back.

"... Um, are you really sure?"

"Hmm? About what?"

"It’s going to cost you a lot of money..."

She couldn’t possibly have that much money.

With five younger siblings, how much money did she have to spend?

At least they were still young, so their education expenses couldn’t be that high yet.

At that, Song Chaeyeon smiled and stroked my head.

"Kids shouldn’t worry about that. I have plenty of money."

"..."

We’re the same age, though...

She seemed to have gotten the wrong idea about something.

But, well, there was no need to correct her.

Honestly, I didn’t know how old this body was, either.

I looked like an adult, but I also felt like my body and face were a little less mature than an adult’s.

... Except for that part.

I’d said I was twenty-one, but what would I say if I found out later that I’d grown as tall as Song Chaeyeon?

I hoped that would happen.

So I decided to leave things as they were.

Song Chaeyeon looked at me for a moment, then turned her gaze ahead and said,

"Oh, like we talked about, you ate breakfast already, right?"

"Oh, yes."

"Great, then..."

Song Chaeyeon suddenly took my hand.

"Let’s go shopping for clothes."

"Huh?"