Chapter 99
I ordered a massage textbook, studied it diligently, checked various pressure points on my own body, and finally gave Hiyori a relaxation massage.
Unfortunately, she did not like it.
Hiyori may look human, but there is nothing human inside her.
Pressing pressure points that improved circulation did nothing, while pressing pressure points that were supposed to feel good made her complain that they hurt.
Massaging her muscles worked fairly similarly to how it did on humans, so I focused on that at first. But it was a mistake to let my curiosity get the better of me halfway through.
She let me do as I pleased without complaint until I brought out a stethoscope to investigate a massage method optimized for Hiyori's unusual internal anatomy. But when I tried to insert acupuncture needles to study how her reactions differed from those of a human, Hiyori got angry and made me stop the massage.
According to her, "It felt unpleasant, like I'd become a test subject."
My attempt to argue back was completely shut down by her follow-up: "Maybe you've been influenced by Iruma's bad example."
Super shock!
I crumpled to my knees and stared at my hands, trembling violently.
Maybe so.
Had I only wanted to satisfy my own curiosity under the pretext of giving Hiyori a comfortable massage?
Was I out of my mind, sticking needles into her soft skin without hesitation?
Had my ethics been warped by that one night of research with Iruma, whose sense of ethics had been completely destroyed?
Hiyori was my girlfriend, yet I had unconsciously treated her as a research subject.
I had handled her rudely and without any consideration.
Just like Iruma.
"I'm sorry..."
My apology was so weak and quiet that even I was surprised.
Hiyori had gone so far as to invoke Iruma while criticizing me. I must have done something truly terrible. Looking back, I knew I had failed to show enough consideration.
Wasn't it like watching a highly anticipated new anime online, only for a lengthy viewer survey to suddenly begin right when the story was getting good?
Of course I'd be like, "Huh?"
It would ruin the mood and leave me disappointed.
I should have completed the massage for Hiyori's sake.
And yet here I was.
I'd been influenced by Iruma.
Just like Iruma.
As bad as Iruma.
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Nyaaaaaah!
No way!
"I'm sorry, Hiyori. I'm going to move under the eaves and live there with pill bugs for the rest of my life. That's what suits me."
"!? N-no, I said too much too. I'm sorry."
I was the one who should have apologized, yet Hiyori apologized to me, making me feel even more miserable.
Ah, it reminded me of my university days before I moved to Okutama. The professor in my lab was kind; whenever I apologized, the professor would apologize in return for not having been considerate enough. I felt so guilty and awkward that I gradually stopped going to the lab.
People are hard for me.
But I didn't want to become uncomfortable around Hiyori.
"Hiyori, I'm sorry. Even though I'm hopeless with people, I'd like to at least be considerate of you. But I honestly don't know how."
"It's all right. I understand that this is just how Oori is. I know everything about you, and I still love you."
Hiyori sat beside me as I hung my head and comforted me by rubbing my back.
How pathetic!
Wasn't an ordinary boyfriend supposed to be more dependable?
Like, "You're my girlfriend. I'll never let anyone make you cry (with a cool pose)."
Isn't this the other way around? Why was I the one messing up and getting comforted afterward?
As I sat there dejected, Hiyori stayed close beside me. After thinking for a while, she spoke.
"Oori."
"Yeah..."
"Would you like to go on a date sometime?"
"Yeah... Huh? A date? Sure, but..."
For an instant, it felt like she'd caught me off guard, and I let out a strange sound. But it hadn't been an ambush or anything.
Right. We were dating, after all.
On the other hand, wasn't it strange that we'd been together for nearly two months and still hadn't gone on a single date?
I think so, anyway. We seemed to be taking things at an unusually slow pace.
I knew what a date was.
I was happy she'd invited me.
But I didn't really understand it, so I carefully asked questions, taking care not to make another stupid remark this time.
"Right after we started dating, I looked into romantic relationships. I looked up dates in the dictionary too."
"Y-yeah. You're very serious."
"The definition of a date is 'a man and woman deciding on a date and time to meet, and that appointment.' What does that mean?"
"What do you mean?"
Hiyori looked like she didn't quite understand what I was getting at, so I carefully put my long-standing, vague question into words.
"In other words, what's the difference between hanging out with a friend and going on a date? If Hiyori and I went to an amusement park, that would be a date. But if I went to an amusement park with Spider Witch-san, we'd just be hanging out as friends, right? They're both 'a man and woman deciding on a date and time to meet,' so I don't understand the difference.
I want to know what makes a date count as a date. Does that question make sense?"
"Yes, I understand what you're asking. Let's see..."
Hiyori folded her arms and began thinking seriously. I was relieved that she didn't look at me as if to say, "You don't even know that?" That alone—her willingness to face my pathetic question head-on—made me glad she was my girlfriend.
Sorry for being such a romantic invalid in need of care. Dexterity is the only thing I'm good at.
Apparently, Hiyori had come up with an explanation even the romantically helpless Oori Kenshi could understand. Once she'd organized her thoughts, she nodded and spoke.
"When you go out to have fun with a friend, you play together, say, 'That was fun,' and then go your separate ways, right?"
"Yeah."
"With a date, after spending time together, you kiss."
"!?"
"Not a kiss on the cheek or forehead. A kiss on the mouth."
"?!?!"
"You use your tongue too."
"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
The shock was so unprecedented that my brain rattled.
W-w-whaaa...!
You mean we kiss?! And not only that—you use your tongue?!
So lewd! That's so lewd!
Dates are way too intense!
In my mind, "hanging out with a friend" instantly became playing house. No wonder it was on a completely different level from a date.
"W-W-W-W-Why do people kiss? W-with their mouths. And even put their tongues in? Why would anyone do that?"
"Just being able to watch Oori turn red and panic like this makes kissing worthwhile."
Hiyori answered happily, grinning smugly.
Why was she grinning like that and acting so carefree?! I was the one in trouble here!
I'd been depressed over failing the massage, only to be invited on a date.
After dragging me all the way down and then yanking me straight back up, she'd turned my emotions into a complete mess.
"M-My head feels like it's going to explode. I don't understand dates anymore...!"
"Don't overthink it. Imagine spending the whole day together knowing that a kiss is waiting for you at the end of the date."
"!!! Dates are amazing...!"
Even the socially inept Oori was duly impressed by Hiyori's simple explanation.
The date hadn't even begun, yet my heart was already pounding.
Who knew words alone could make someone feel this excited?
Aoyama Hiyori, you wicked woman!
Hiyori set the date for one week later—rain or shine, postponed in the event of an earthquake—left the date plan to me, and went home with a light, almost dancing step.
I told Hiyori I'd leave it to her because there was no way I could plan a date, but she said she wanted me to think of it. Once she'd even said, "I don't care how badly you fail, I want you to escort me," I had no choice but to give in. When I asked her to define "escort," Hiyori nearly gave up at that point.
Faced with a problem more difficult than manufacturing a regular dodecahedral fractal, I quickly gave up trying to solve it alone.
I visited the old temple, explained the situation to Spider Witch-san, who was diligently kneading some sort of lump of flesh into raw meatballs, and asked for her help. After a long silence, she praised me first.
"Thank you for coming to me for advice. I'm glad you didn't go to Professor Ohinata... At least I'm better than that."
"You stopped me when I tried to ask for a lecture on romance before, remember?"
Because of that, I still didn't really understand the question, "What is a lover?" But according to Spider Witch-san's vague explanation, I should avoid romantic topics in general with the stoat, so I had been obediently following her advice.
If someone as eminent as Spider Witch-san said so, it must be true. I believed that someday, as my romantic skills improved, I would understand why.
"Yes. I think I'm the least bad option. But if possible, Oori should think of the date plan by himself..."
"No, that's what I'm saying. I don't understand it."
"The Blue Witch said, 'I don't care how badly you fail, I want you to escort me,' right? You don't have to understand it... Oori has to think of something himself for the Blue Witch. If I give you suggestions, it will become a date plan I came up with, won't it...?"
"But if I think of it by myself, it'll probably be a genuine disaster."
"Will it? Just tell me for reference. What kind of date plan do you think would be good right now, Oori...?"
Her gentle question made me think for a moment.
I'd decided from the start that it was a problem beyond my ability to handle alone, so I hadn't even brought a rough draft.
That was probably a problem.
Hmm... Let's see...
"First of all, since we're going out together, I think we both need to have a good time. It wouldn't be right if only one of us enjoyed it."
"Mm-hm..."
"I enjoy making magic wands, but Hiyori wouldn't have much fun just watching me do it. I think the best kind of date would be doing something that's fun precisely because there are two of us."
"Yes, yes. I like that..."
"So I was thinking, what if I accompanied Hiyori while she hunted Class-A2 monsters? Isn't defeating a powerful monster in co-op play exciting?"
"I see. I'll cooperate fully, so let's rework the plan..."
As expected, there seemed to be some kind of flaw in the supreme date plan I'd wrung out every last drop of effort to devise. Since she was willing to guide me, I gratefully listened to what she had to say.
Even so, this was something I really should have thought through myself. We settled on a system where Spider Witch-san would offer ideas and I would decide which ones to adopt. That way, it would still be a plan I had devised myself without becoming a disastrous date. Probably. It was a good compromise.
Spider Witch-san explained that there were many kinds of dates, but it was safest to include a touch of the extraordinary. There were also dates where you simply spent a relaxing time at home, known as "home dates," but we rejected that idea because we wouldn't be doing anything different from usual. Hiyori might enjoy it, but I would be bored.
So we would have to go somewhere.
To scout out promising date spots, I went exploring with Spider Witch-san carrying me on her back.
We quickly ruled out the area around my house. Having Fuyou and Mokutan watching us would be bad, and it would be too much like a home date.
Spider Witch-san was hesitant about a hot-spring date at the baths of a ruined hot-spring inn. If we were at the level where we kissed at the end of the date, a hot-spring date would apparently be too soon. Fair enough.
As she carried me along the roads of Okutama, Spider Witch-san spoke thoughtfully.
"For a first date, I think the basic plan is to go out in the morning, have lunch, stop somewhere in the afternoon, and part ways in the evening. But a date plan is only a guideline. If there's something you want to do, it's fine to change the plan..."
"Hmm. When you say 'stop somewhere,' where would that be? A movie theater... Oh, there aren't any."
"There are..."
"There are?! Even though we can't use electricity?!"
I was so astonished that I had to confirm it, but Spider Witch-san nodded.
Apparently, Tokyo had a movie theater that used a machine called a magic lantern, the prototype of a slide projector. It used lamps and lenses to enlarge pictures painted on glass and project them onto a screen, while voice actors and sound technicians used amplification magic to provide the audio live.
It was fairly expensive entertainment, but most films apparently incorporated three-dimensional scenes using projection magic, making them dramatic and popular.
That sounded incredibly fun.
"Oori can't be around a lot of people, right? If I mention either my name or the Blue Witch's, they'll probably hold a private screening for us. Tell me if you want to see a movie, and I'll arrange it..."
"That would help a lot."
Since I was fundamentally bad with crowds, amusement parks and monster parks—the equivalent of zoos from the previous era—were ruled out.
We would leave Okutama, take a walk around Ome, have lunch when we got hungry, spend some time together at a nearby event, and part ways around evening.
We began to settle on that sort of route.
Spider-san was so dependable. If I'd been left to myself, the date plan would have flown 150 percent in the wrong direction.
When I said I wanted to choose the walking route carefully, Spider Witch-san happily took me to Ome City on her back.
Ome City looked like a typical remnant of the previous civilization: a deep, overgrown forest where the remains of walls and utility poles could be seen between tree roots and fallen trunks. Whenever I thought, "This area seems to be a hill," it usually turned out to be a collapsed apartment building or department store.
Ome City had mostly returned to the forest, but along the old Ome Line there was a road that was neither quite a highway nor an animal trail, and the area along the Tama River was open as well. There were two possible walking routes.
We decided to try the riverside route along the Tama River first, where the view was unobstructed.
The stones along the riverbank were smaller and more gravel-like than those in Okutama, making the path easy to walk. The open view also meant good airflow, and the whole place felt fresh. Small flowers of wild garlic and murasaki-no-mai bloomed on the embankment, giving the area a sense of the season. South of Ome City, no mist of confusion covered the Tama River basin, so the sunlight shone brightly and all the wild grasses looked healthy.
Hmm. This might not be bad.
We decided to make the riverside route our first choice and scout the other routes as well. That was when I discovered a strange creature.
There was a strange creature in the river at Okutama.
A kappa-like creature was hugging a gigantic monstrous fish with all four limbs and splashing across the surface.
Huh? A kappa? Seriously?
No, it was probably a kappa-like monster, not an actual kappa.
Wait, was it a kappa? Was it really a kappa? Kappas existed after all...!?
"Spider Witch-san, can you see that? Over there, around that sandbar. Doesn't that look like a kappa?"
"A kappa...? Oh, that's Mamono-kun-san..."
"Mamono-kun-san?!"
Perhaps my shout of surprise startled him, because the kappa called Mamono-kun-san lost his grip on the monstrous fish he was holding. After hanging his head in disappointment for a moment, he began trudging toward us.
Once he came closer, I realized he wasn't a kappa.
He was a human in a swimsuit wearing a kappa headpiece.
Or was he human? There was an ordinary-looking seam around his neck, so I assumed it was a costume, but the quality was so high that he looked exactly like a kappa.
Such superb sculpting and a perfect fit. It must have been the work of a craftsman of considerable renown...!
"Who goes there?! You are no ordinary man! State your name!"
When I asked his identity, the bizarrely dressed kappa man answered in the utterly ordinary voice of an utterly ordinary adult male.
"Ah, hello. My name is Mamono-kun."
"Mamono-kun...? What is Mamono-kun? Is that your real name?"
"It's a soul name, yes. This is our first meeting, isn't it? I am Mamono-kun, vice president of the Japanese Society of Monster Studies. Please feel free to call me 'Mamono-kun.'
By the way, Spider Witch-sama, it has been a long time. Since fate brought us together here, I would very much like you to reconsider investigating the monsters inhabiting Okutama...?"
The extremely suspicious kappa man gave an introduction whose legitimacy was impossible to determine, then began speaking normally with Spider Witch-san.
What was with this kappa?! That explanation alone hadn't given me nearly enough information to understand the situation.
I needed a little more detail!