Chapter 224 - Four Swords (5)

When I returned to the dormitory, soaked in rain, Trisha, sitting by my room's window, gave me a worried look.

"You're back?"

"Yeah."

"But, Damian, what's wrong?"

"...What do you mean?"

"Are you feeling bad?"

Today was already ruined for feeling good, but I didn't want to show it to those around me. It was enough that only I felt bad. I tried to brush it off as if nothing was wrong, but Trisha seemed to have noticed my sunken mood.

"No, I'm just cold and tired. Can you step out so I can change?"

"...I'll help you!"

Trisha clung to me and forcefully pulled off my wet coat.

"It's okay..."

"What's the big deal between friends!? I'll take care of this, so go wash up comfortably!"

Then she ran off somewhere with my coat.

"..."

I grabbed Priscilla and, while at it, also took the wooden sword. The wooden sword still wouldn't change even when I touched it.

Then I went to the bath and soaked in ice-cold water without heating it.

As I cooled the heat in my head for a moment, I mulled over what Callios had said.

I couldn't completely deny his claims, nor could I accept them as they were.

The mages I had directly experienced weren't absolutely selfish beings as Callios had said.

However, if I truly wanted to erase Lisa, it might be easier to accept Callios's words as they were.

***

Knock knock.

Late at night, just as I was about to turn off the candle and head to bed, Trisha knocked on my door.

She rattled the doorknob as if it were her own room, even though I hadn't answered. But it didn't open because I had locked the door.

"Damian, are you asleep?"

I unlocked the latch and opened the door. Trisha was standing in front of the door in her pajamas.

"Why are you here if you're not sleeping?"

"Damian, you don't usually lock your door..."

"I was doing something important."

"I think I left my script there. Can I come in for a moment?"

I opened the door wider and stepped aside slightly.

Trisha scurried in and pulled out the script hidden under the wardrobe.

Then she glanced at me and, instead of leaving, went straight to my bed.

She covered herself with the blanket and poked out just her face, saying, "Okay! You can close the door now!"

"..."

"I'm going to sleep."

"Alright, sleep! It's your turn to sleep on the floor this time."

"..."

Feeling fatigue wash over me, I ignored Trisha and got into bed.

Trisha, who was lying in the center of the bed, flinched and slowly moved to the side.

"Damian, what's wrong? Are you really feeling bad?"

"No. I'm fine."

"You're not going to roll me up in the blanket and throw me into my room today?"

"I told you. I'm just tired. Don't do anything weird and go to sleep."

Trisha's lips pouted.

"How can I sleep when my friend is feeling so bad? I'm worried."

"I said I'm fine."

Trisha suddenly raised her upper body as if upset.

"You get hurt and come back, I nurse you when you're hurt and you get hurt again, even when you're feeling bad you come back hurt, how can I not worry!"

"..."

Then she laid back down looking at me and said, "I can't let you sneak out at night. I'm going to watch you sleep before I go!"

Was I too indifferent? 

She was always the one who nursed me when I got hurt, but I didn't properly appreciate it.

"...Is it okay if I put the swords on the bed?"

"Do as you like."

I placed Priscilla, which had been hanging on the bedside table, between Trisha and me. Then I put the wooden sword under it.

"Why are you putting that between us?"

"Because there's nowhere else to put it."

"It's just like that. Everything beyond this line is mine!"

"We used to do that a lot when we were young."

"I never got to do it, I just heard stories from friends."

"Why?"

"Obviously because I had no one to do it with. Who did you do it with?"

"...A childhood friend."

"Who?"

"You wouldn't know if I told you the name."

Trisha was silent for a while. Just as I thought she might have fallen asleep and turned to look, she spoke, "...Lisa?"

"What?"

"Lisa, I mean. Right? Lisa Pasta!"

Suddenly, sleep fled completely. I never imagined I'd hear that name from Trisha's mouth.

"How do you know that?"

Trisha's eyes widened in response.

"Why are you so surprised? Is Lisa your childhood friend?"

"You... how..."

My head started spinning, trying to figure out what was going on.

"You called out that name in your sleep when you were sick before!"

"I did?"

"Yes."

"..."

"What does Lisa do? How close were you?"

I wondered why on earth I had called out that name in my sleep. I didn't want anyone to know. I had hoped this situation would never come.

"We're not close anymore."

"Then why did you call out so desperately?"

"I never called out like that."

"Anyway!"

"..."

"Why? Why? Why did you call out like that?"

Trisha's innocence had never been so painful.

"She left with my first work."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Then why did you call her name when holding hands?"

Just when I thought I had escaped, she threw another lasso. 

What on earth did she see while I was sleeping?

"What?"

"Hand holding... I mean, it wasn't me, but when you were sleeping, you forcefully held my hand and called out that name."

"I don't have that kind of sleep habit."

I'll have to sleep with a gag from now on.

"You did! I definitely heard it!"

"...It was probably just a one-time thing. Is that so important?"

I turned my back to her slightly, afraid of what question might come next.

Then Trisha reached out and grabbed my clothes tightly.

"Were you closer with Lisa than with me?"

"Why compare with someone from the past?"

"I'm asking if you were close."

"...Yes."

Trisha's breath stopped. It became quiet for a moment as if time had stopped.

"Were you and Lisa in a relationship?"

Women's intuition can sometimes be frighteningly accurate.

"No."

"...You're lying."

"It's not a lie."

At least in my world, that was the truth.

"Lisa and me. Which one of us is more of a friend?"

Not who was closer, not who you like more, but who's more of a friend? What does Trisha want to confirm?

"Of course it's you. Why are you asking that?"

Trisha tugged at my clothes again.

"I nurse your wounds all night and take care of you, I'm the one who suffers and feels heartache, but you call out someone else's name... It was confusing... and I was very angry!"

"..."

Perhaps the remnants of emotions hadn't been sorted out yet, as Trisha suddenly threw off the blanket and got out of bed.

"I'm going to sleep. And Damian, if you sneak out at night and get hurt again, we're through. Forever!"

She left my room as if fleeing.

***

The same time as yesterday. Callios was sitting slightly on the gravestone just like before. Fortunately, he wasn't rummaging through suspicious documents like yesterday.

"Still can't communicate?" he was asking if there had been any change in my relationship with Priscilla.

"No."

There was still no progress with Priscilla. Well, the good thing was that the wooden sword had returned to normal after I slept.

"Well, have you sorted out your feelings?"

"...No."

"Good that you're honest."

"What are we doing today?"

Callios got off the gravestone and walked towards me. Then he pulled out the wooden sword at my waist.

"This is in the way, so I'll put it aside for a moment."

"Are you going to teach me hand-to-hand combat?"

"No, I'm going to scrape off the old grease in your mind."

Callios tossed my wooden sword aside.

"My mind is fine."

"No, your mind is rotten. More precisely, your soul is rotten and festering. Old contaminants are blocking the waterways, preventing things that need to flow and circulate from doing so, and causing them to rot."

"..."

"Because of that, contaminants overflow whether it rains, snows, hails, or even when the sun shines brightly! You're a mess."

"...You seem to know my mind better than I do."

"All swordsmen who can't see the opponent's soul are buried in the ground."

"...What should I do? Are we performing a purification ritual?"

"No. I'm going to teach you breathing techniques."

"...Is that the name of a ritual?"

"I mean how to breathe."

"..."

I doubted my ears. I hadn't expected much, but I thought I would learn something more plausible than this.

"In other words, it's called meditation. Have you ever tried it?"

I had learned meditation as part of prayer methods in the Akates Temple when I was young.

"Yes."

"Then it might be a bit easier."

"But I don't know how meditation helps."

"It's essential for those who train with the sword."

"If I master meditation, will I become a sage? Always wearing a kind smile, forgiving and understanding sinners, that sort of thing?"

Callios frowned and said, "If it were like that, at least it would look cool. What kind of meditation method did you learn?"

"I learned to close my eyes, breathe according to the rules, and purify my mind by accepting the energy of the wondrous universe created by God."

Unlike that teaching, I had never actually experienced any notable effects.

"That's too grandiose."

"..."

"Sit comfortably."

Callios sat down on the ground. I followed him and sat down.

"You can keep your eyes open if you like, but closing them might make it easier to concentrate. You can lie down if you can stay awake."

I closed my eyes while sitting.

"Close your eyes and breathe."

"Is that all?"

"Forget about teachings like inhaling for a certain number of seconds and exhaling for a certain number of seconds. Breathe as your body wants to, and focus on that."

I relaxed as he said and breathed slowly.

Then, for some reason, Trisha's words from last night came to mind.

"All sorts of thoughts will flood into the empty space in your mind. It's natural. Don't forcefully drive them away. Acknowledge that a thought has come, and then let it flow away. Then focus on your breathing again."

"..."

"I know what you want to say. You want to ask what the hell this damn meditation helps with. This isn't some grandiose act. Forget about clumsy teachings. This won't turn you into a sage who transcends the five desires. Even if you meditate, you'll still laugh, cry, get angry, be sad, be jealous, be afraid, and feel all the beautiful and ugly human emotions just the same. Just as your nature is."

Meditation was much simpler than I had thought.

"One thing that changes is that you can see those emotions from a step back. When you're happy, you can see that happiness, and when you're angry, you can see that anger."

Callios was answering the questions I wanted to ask as if he had read my mind.

"When you can fully see yourself like that, you can see others."

"..."

Callios also took a breath with me.

"Only when you can see others can you take a step into the realm of mastery."