Chapter 15
I once heard my friends complain that sleazy men changed their attitude the moment they got into bed.
At the time, I looked at them strangely and thought to myself, ‘Isn't it your own fault for not even being able to take care of yourselves?’
The idiot is the one who falls for a man approaching her with the intention of seducing her.
Why get fooled?
You can tell just by looking, can't you?
Trash who only stare at breasts.
Idiots who spout nothing but cheesy lines.
That's what I thought,
but I never imagined this would happen to me.
⋯I didn't even realize I was being deceived.
-⋯Can I really do this?
The man's voice comes through.
A low, deep voice.
That voice that had scrambled my thoughts time and again.
-Answer me. ⋯Are you okay?
There was no way I could be okay.
There was absolutely no reason for me to sleep with a man like this.
⋯Hearing this voice again was something that should never have happened.
“Hey, you, what the hell is this!”
“I have a habit of recording myself when I drink. If I do something fucked-up, I have to sober up and apologize.”
“What the hell does that mean⋯!”
“Don't argue. Just listen.”
How could he say such shameless things and look at me with such shameless eyes?
I'd wrung out the last of my goodwill to worry about him, thinking I'd really end up seeing him on the news if I left him alone.
What came back wasn't gratitude, but a filthy man's desire.
-⋯Tell me if it hurts. Say it hurts.
-⋯Uh, mmm⋯.
The man straddling me and looking down at me now doesn't open his mouth,
but three hours ago, he had spoken in a syrupy voice and toyed with me.
And foolishly, I had given my consent to a man with not a shred of sincerity.
“Hey, hey, turn it off! Delete it! You crazy bastard⋯!”
“Why delete it? It's all memories and evidence.”
I vaguely remembered what happened afterward, and I wanted to shove him away and smash his phone.
But there was no way I could.
Because a man who had toyed with me for three whole hours without showing the slightest sign of fatigue,
it was obvious what he would do if I showed hostility.
More violently than before.
More fiercely.
He'd rape me.
-Ah⋯, aah, ah, it hurts⋯!
-Does it hurt?
-It hurts, it hurts⋯.
So I couldn't stop the screams that followed.
-Then I'll caress you, so relax. Turn onto your side. That's it. There you go.
-Ah, haaak, haaah⋯!
I couldn't stop him from gently soothing me as I cried out in pain.
Even now, no matter how many times I hear it, it sounds so obviously acted—why couldn't I tell back then?
I must have known perfectly well that any man who talked in a voice like that was a woman-crazy bastard.
Why.
Why had this man looked at me with such a pitiful gaze?
“Turn it off, you fucking bastard⋯!”
“You should know how much you clung to me, too. Looking at you now, I guess you don't remember because you were drunk.”
“What do you mean, clung to you, you bastard! You just got me drunk and raped me!”
“I told you, you won't say that after you listen to the whole thing.”
“Let go, just⋯, mmph⋯.”
He laughed with a cheerfulness so refreshing it made me sick, then began pulling me tightly into his arms with a face that looked down on me as if pretending to find me cute.
Then, as though my sober voice were of no use to him, he clamped my mouth shut with his filthy lips.
With my tongue held, he brought the phone to my ear and pinned me down with his whole body so I could hear the three-hour recording clearly.
I couldn't cover my ears to avoid listening, nor could I run away.
Nor could I shout over it and overwrite the sound with something new.
-Mmm⋯! Haa, haa⋯. Kang, Kang Ju-hyeok⋯.
-⋯You've never had sex before, have you?”
-N-no, I haven't⋯! It hurts, it hurt earlier⋯.
The voice of a lewd woman tickles my ear.
Moans.
Nasal whines.
Sounds I had never made even once in my life.
Even when masturbating, I used to bite down on my T-shirt and hold my breath; I'd never cried out this obscenely.
-It's okay. It won't hurt once you get aroused.
-I, I don't want to have sex. I'm scared⋯.
-It's okay. Relax. Lean on me. It's all right.
She even acts coy.
A woman with my exact voice was whining and acting cute with a man she didn't even like.
I'd never acted cute even with my friends.
I'd never pouted or acted spoiled even with my family.
-Mmm⋯! Hng! Haaaang!
With a man I barely knew, with whom I had no connection at all.
I was clinging to him, letting all sorts of lewd sounds spill out.
Just as I had then,
pinned beneath him.
With my tongue held.
-Haaak⋯, heek⋯, ha, haaak⋯.
-It's okay. It's natural. Take deep breaths.
-Haaa⋯.
It was the same even now.
My hands and feet, too.
They moved as he wanted and reacted as he wanted.
Even struggling while my lips were sealed was the reaction he wanted.
-We were both drunk and made a mistake, so it's okay. Once we let out everything pent up inside, we'll both be fine.
Back then, I believed it was a mistake.
I hated Kang Ju-hyeok,
and Kang Ju-hyeok hated me, too.
Wouldn't it be easier to snip the tangled thread cleanly with scissors⋯?
When he whispered that into my ear, somehow it felt like it would be all right to do that.
-If you're embarrassed, you can keep covering yourself. Tell me if it hurts.
But hearing that wet, slurping sound again, I knew it was absolutely not a solution that would let me rest easy.
-Ha-eun, you look like you're in pain. The first time, I'm going to put just the tip in without a condom so it won't hurt. If I can't hold back and put it in farther, tell me to pull out immediately. I'm only doing this at first so it won't hurt you.
It was an option I should never have chosen.
-That's it. Relax your pelvis. Take a deep breath.
Rude and foul-tempered,
so damn tall that my neck hurt just looking up at him,
with muscles stuck all over him so thickly they were ugly, making him grotesque,
a perverted, trashy bastard who pretended to make eye contact but stole glances at my breasts whenever he was bored,
I should never have given my first time to him.
I shouldn't have nodded, even by accident.
“Phew⋯, haa⋯. Get off me, get lost⋯!”
“Don't like kissing? You seemed to love it earlier.”
“You're heavy, and filthy! Haa⋯, haa⋯.”
“Ah, then should I hold you from behind?”
Once a run starts in a stocking, no amount of nail polish painted over it can stop it from unraveling.
This man who was freely tormenting me from behind had no intention of letting me go.
He had absolutely no intention of treating today's mistake as a mistake and moving on.
That pitiful face he'd shown earlier,
that slick attitude he'd shown at the bar,
that innocent delight he'd shown when he handed me his autograph,
it was all a lie.
A lie he'd acted out because he wanted to hold me.
-Haaak, ah⋯.
-It's okay. It's okay. Relax. Don't tense up.
-Hoo⋯, hee⋯, hee⋯.
Squelch-squelch.
Obscene sounds spread out from the phone lying by my head.
Noisy, dirty, and obscene.
What had happened during those three hours steeped in drunkenness and pleasure was becoming clearer and clearer.
-Ah⋯, aah⋯.
-All right, just this far. ⋯Are you okay?
A voice I'd sometimes imagined.
Meeting a good man who understood me, dating him and marrying him,
seeing each other's naked bodies for the first time on our honeymoon,
and hearing a tender voice whisper to me as we shared an affectionate first experience.
-Haaak, haa⋯, aah⋯.
-Take deep breaths. It always hurts at first.
But his voice was similar, yet completely different.
Dirty and obscene, with darkness inside.
A wet, sticky voice brimming with nothing but desire.
My first time, which should have been fresh and innocent, was being smothered by a skilled, practiced piece of trash.
“⋯So? How does it feel hearing it yourself? I was really considerate of you. Do you know how much I held back?”
“What did you hold back, you⋯! You didn't hold back at all!”
“Ah, seriously. It's fucking cute how obvious it is that you have zero experience⋯.”
Since around the time I graduated middle school,
I didn't want to give the breasts countless men had stared at and harassed to a man like this.
To a piece of trash like this⋯.
They were an insecurity of mine, but I didn't want him to wring the pride out of me.
“Let go, let go⋯! Blegh⋯, you filthy⋯.”
“I washed my hands earlier. It's fine.”
This time, instead of his tongue, a thick finger fills my mouth.
I want to bite it off, but I feel like if I did, he would bite me to pieces and swallow me up just as mercilessly.
I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
I hate it.
I hate myself for being toyed with by a man like this.
-Haa, haa⋯, ah, it hurts⋯.
-Does it hurt more than before?
-It's not that⋯.
I hate the sound of my own voice whining after being fooled by a man.
What are you so proud of, giving him even your chastity and babbling in that sticky voice?
What the hell are you doing, anyway?
Do you think being drunk makes it okay?
Were you really such an easy woman?
-Then hold out a little longer. If I scrape you here, it'll gradually feel better.
-Yeah, ngh⋯! Haaang!
No matter how much I berated myself inwardly, I was gasping for breath, lost in pleasure, and giving my body to that man.
I couldn't possibly deny what he said.
-There's barely any blood. It's okay. This is fine for a first time. Take deep breaths.
-Haa⋯, hoo⋯.
-I didn't know you had no experience with men. Sorry.
-Hoo⋯, uh, it just sort of happened⋯.
-Is it okay to have your first time with a guy like me?
-N-not okay⋯, I dunno, just 'cause⋯, mmm⋯!
I had clearly given him my body,
cried out sharply,
and never once told him to stop.
-Phew⋯, all right. You've gotten wet enough. I'll pull out for a moment. I'll put on another condom, too, so keep breathing deeply.
-Yeah, ngh⋯.
I nodded.
I begged you to accept my first time.
-⋯This is driving me crazy. Seriously.
More vulgar than even the dirty thoughts I'd sometimes imagined.
-Ah⋯.
Giving him all control.
-Lift your hips. It will hurt less if I put a pillow under you.
With my entire body surrendered to this man.
-Move your hand. I want to see your face.
I was being raped by Kang Ju-hyeok.
-Move it. Look at me. I'm the man you hated.
I was being raped by the man I hated.
-Yeah, open your eyes. You won't remember anyway because you're drunk. Look at me.
-⋯What the hell, seriously⋯.
At one point, I felt guilty toward the man I had once hated most in the world,
-Sorry I'm uglier than you, but my skin's fine, so give me a break.
I apologized to him with my body.
-Haa, ngh⋯, ah, it's really, kind of, too much⋯, I'm out of breath, Kang Ju-hyeok⋯.
⋯Like a fucking idiot.