Chapter 16
-I told you to relax. With the condom on, it'll be a little tighter than before. I'll loosen you up.
-Ah, haaang⋯, don't pinch my nipples, my nipples⋯!
My voice.
-Haaak, mm⋯! Deeper, deeper⋯.
-My breasts feel like they're driving me crazy. I even became a fan of Seo Jia because she has big breasts, but yours aren't even comparable. You turn me on so much more. Your thighs, fuck⋯. Hoo⋯.
-Haa, stop cursing, stooop⋯, mm! Haaang!
His voice, pretending to praise me while taunting and violating me.
-I want to kiss you. Can I? Your eyes turn me on even more than your body. They're so erotic. I want to pounce on you. Ha-eun⋯.
-I knooow, just a little, slooowly, mmm⋯. Smooch⋯.
What do you mean, you know, idiot.
Men have wanted to pounce on you like that ever since puberty.
-My, my head's messed up⋯. Let go. I-I told you, I'm messed up⋯!
-It's okay if you lose your mind. Relax. Lean on me. You can cling to me if you want.
Crazy bitch.
Dumb bitch.
⋯A slutty bitch, loose enough to give herself to a man like this.
-I'm a little less than halfway in. Can I put more in?
-No, nooo! I, I'm messed up. It hurts, no, it's not that it hurts. Oooh⋯! Huuuuh⋯.
-⋯Halfway. Breathe. I won't put it in any farther. It's your first time.
Kick me in the leg if it hurts!
Or tear off that filthy, huge, painful rod!
Don't just sit there getting raped like an idiot⋯.
-Ha-eun.
-Haa⋯, ha⋯. Stop, stop⋯.
-Stick out your tongue. Then I'll finish.
-My tongue⋯? Hek, bleh⋯, mmm⋯, smoo⋯.
Resist somehow, you idiot⋯.
-Yeah⋯, mm⋯! Mmm! Huut, heek, mmmm⋯!
A low, deep moan I'd never made even once in my life.
That sound, scraping my vocal cords, grates on my ears.
Kang Ju-hyeok, who had toyed with me throughout the sex, let out a deep sigh loud enough for the recording to catch it as well.
⋯No matter how inexperienced I was,
no matter how drunk I'd been,
I remember clearly what happened.
It comes back perfectly, without a single blemish.
I had sex with this man.
Though it was my first time, I felt it as though I'd taken drugs.
Far from resisting, I enjoyed that filthy, sticky sex.
The sensation of the man's cock swelling hard inside me gradually returns, too.
When pleasure briefly robbed me of my reason, I tried to blame everything on the alcohol and forget it,
but for some reason, the more I listened, the clearer it became.
“Should I turn it off?”
“⋯Please turn it off⋯.”
Once the recording of my first time having sex ended, he finally released my tongue.
I hated him for smiling and asking me in his characteristically confident tone, but I couldn't bring myself to shake my head.
He must have recorded more after that, too.
If I didn't obey him now, I might have to hear that sound until the end.
A voice much more miserably broken than this one,
the sound of me panting as I was raped.
⋯I don't want to remember it, but I can't help remembering it.
“Ah, the part after this is even more fun. You begging and pleading for me to fuck you was really hot. You were so cute, too.”
“⋯Stop it, seriouslyyy⋯.”
“Yeah, it was something like that. But you were even naughtier earlier.”
⋯I'm so embarrassed.
I want to die.
Die, you idiot, you moron bastard!
I wanted to cover my face with both hands and hide in a mouse hole, but his tight embrace kept me from even running away.
As if I were his pet, he fondled me here and there, cooing over how cute I was.
He kneaded my breasts and stroked my stomach.
He rubbed his lips all over the back of my neck.
It feels awful.
But I can't swat him away.
I've already let him do worse to me,
and there's no chance he'd listen even if I told him to stop.
“You fucking bastard⋯.”
“What's so bad about it? I was considerate the whole time. I pulled out when you asked me to. I went slowly when you asked me to. Do you know how hard it is to listen to everything you say while looking at your breasts?”
“Shut up! Then let me go already⋯.”
“Why? When else will I get a chance to touch you?”
Kang Ju-hyeok had switched from the cruel voice with which he had so brutally violated me to a slick, wheedling one, and he teased me without pause.
⋯Bastard.
“Ah, don't cry. Why are you crying? There's no woman happier than you.”
“What the hell are you talking about, you crazy bastard⋯.”
“There are hardly any women who feel pleasure from the very beginning⋯ Actually, almost none at all, you know?”
“Who asked you to make me feel good!? It feels fucking awful, so shut the hell up⋯.”
The man who had been suffering as though he were truly about to die just moments ago now tormented me without caring in the least about my feelings.
As I'd feared, even his agony over heartbreak had been an act.
Even the way he felt a little better after drinking and listened to my complaints had all been an act, too.
⋯But the way he vented his anger at me and blamed my father,
that was probably real.
“Seriously. Crying makes people feel weird. Anyone watching would think I raped you.”
“It was rape, you fucking bastard⋯.”
“You're still saying that? Even after hearing the whole recording of how it happened.”
“You bastard, if you recorded it, then you planned the whole thing! You wanted to sleep with me from the start, didn't you? Huh? You'd already broken up with your girlfriend, too! It's all because I'm, I'm⋯ the daughter of the general manager who got you cut⋯.”
What the hell did I ever do wrong for you to go this far?
If anyone was harmed by you, it was me, not the other way around.
It's all my father's fault,
or, even stretching it, my little brother's fault.
Why are you doing this to me⋯?
“Seo Ha-eun.”
“⋯You fucking bastard.”
“⋯I'm asking just in case, but you really had absolutely nothing to do with my getting cut from the team?”
“How many times do I have to say it? It had nothing to do with me! ⋯Really⋯.”
“Oh, yeah? ⋯Then why did you look at me with that expression?”
“Mmm⋯⋯.”
To me, who had no blame or wrongdoing to my name,
he once again tickled my eardrums with his cruel voice.
“Every time I showed you my shoulder, you looked at me with an apologetic expression. Why was that?”
“⋯Is it wrong to feel sorry for an injured person?”
“No, well. It was just that whenever we ran into each other at the club, you treated everyone like shit equally, whether they were injured or fine, so I wondered.”
“Back then⋯, they, they were all staring only at my breasts. Those bastards⋯.”
“Then what about the way you looked at me so earnestly right before I pounced on you? I really was about to rape you then, you know. We just had sex because you gave me permission.”
“⋯.”
He dredged up the reason I had allowed him to do it from the deepest corner of my heart.
Then he casually hacked it to pieces,
severing the guilt I had felt toward him, however briefly.
“⋯You don't happen to know something and be pretending you don't, do you?”
“⋯So what if I do know? Does that mean you can rape someone? Huh?”
“I told you, I never raped you. Want to keep listening to the rest? I really did hold myself back.”
“Held yourself back, my ass⋯. You—you planned to pounce on me from the start, to get revenge! You even recorded it so you wouldn't get reported⋯.”
“⋯Did you do something that would make you deserve revenge from me?”
“⋯.”
Something deserving of revenge.
I had not.
I may have asked for it⋯,
but I had absolutely never done it.
I'd merely complained to my little brother out of irritation, and it wasn't my fault that, the next day, I suddenly heard ominous talk at the dining table about sending someone somewhere.
I knew he was ruthless, but I hadn't known he was the kind of man who listened to his child's words so readily.
A man who never listened to a word I said.
Why did he nod when my little brother said it and immediately grant my wish?
“Hey, look at your face harden. There's something, isn't there?”
“N-no, nothing⋯!”
“I was joking, so why are you trembling like that? I'm behind you, so there's no way I can see your expression. Idiot.”
“⋯.”
The voice of the man who had seen through everything about me and toyed with me terrified me.
I wished he'd disappear, and it wasn't my fault that he happened to disappear.
In the first place, all my father had said was that he would trade him to another team.
His getting hurt wasn't anyone's fault.
Retiring with a knife scar on his shoulder wasn't my fault, either.
It wasn't my fault, so why was I so afraid?
It wasn't even something I'd be condemned for if it came to light.
Why.
Why couldn't I help trembling before that musclebound man?
“Ha-eun, don't tremble like that. Turn your body and look at me.”
“⋯.”
“⋯I said let me see your eyes.”
The eyes of the man forcibly turning my body over came into view.
He was merely looking at me normally, yet his sharp, fierce eyes made my heart pound.
Wouldn't it have been easier if I'd simply fallen for him?
If I could have enjoyed my first time with a man I liked,
and then had a tender conversation with him, how wonderful would that have been?
“Are you afraid of me?”
But no such tender love story existed in my life.
The more I looked at this man's cruel eyes, the more my suspicions grew.
⋯Would this recording have satisfied him?
This piece of trash.
Could I be sure he hadn't taken pictures of me?
He'd even taken a selfie at the bar earlier.
“Why are you afraid? I don't have any bad feelings toward you anymore.”
“⋯Th-that⋯.”
The words 'not anymore' translated themselves in my mind.
As meaning he'd had those feelings before.
As meaning he'd approached me after planning everything.
⋯As meaning he knew exactly what I would do from now on.
“You seemed to be enjoying yourself so much until just now, so I don't really know why you're suddenly acting like this. If I've done something wrong, will you tell me?”
“⋯I-I mean⋯.”
The man who had fooled me completely without so much as blinking grew increasingly frightening.
How far had this man read my mind?
How much did he know about me,
that he could approach me so shamelessly and hold me in his arms?
“Ah, are you embarrassed because your little brother found out? Well, it is pretty humiliating if your family finds out you had sex. I understand.”
“Th-that, too⋯.”
“But we can go together later and clear up that misunderstanding. Ah, I wouldn't call it a misunderstanding, but anyway.”
The man who knew me better than I knew myself,
casually said he had no intention of letting me go.
I found myself naturally accepting
that this relationship was only beginning.
“Ha-eun.”
“⋯.”
“⋯The room's a little messy, so shall we get up? Let's clean up and have dinner. We'll order in.”
“⋯M-mm⋯.”
On the phone held in his hand,
I naturally began imagining
what might be on it.
⋯Something I normally could never see with my own eyes,
my lewd figure,
was playing back on its own in my head.