Look at That First-Meeting Trash-Talking Skill

Chapter 4

I leaned comfortably against the pillar and crossed my arms.

I alternated between thinking about that bastard Crown Prince Louis and Elysia I saw yesterday.

'The older brother's ridiculously handsome and the younger sister's absurdly beautiful. They shoved all the genes into just those two? What an obnoxious family.'

Saying that God is fair is all bullshit.

Looking at those siblings, it was obvious God had been customizing them, nodded off, and botched the stat allocation.

Of course, in a positive way.

They were basically the beneficiaries of 'one pinch of luck... eek! Oops, I accidentally grabbed a whole sack!!!'

Elysia ignored the cheers and stares around her as if they were only natural, or rather as if they were a nuisance, and walked to the front row.

That must be the sort of thing that counts as the grace of royalty, the aristocracy among aristocrats.

…It's kind of annoying. Why am I a barbarian if I pretend not to hear, but that guy's classy when he does it?

"Wow, she's really pretty…."

"They say that person is the Empire's jewel. She's blinding."

"I can't believe I'm breathing the same air as her."

I think I get why.

This goddamn looks-obsessed romance-fantasy setting.

Makes me want to grab a spear, seriously.

Still, I'll let it slide.

She'd stolen all the attention I could've gotten!

In fact, nobody was looking at me now.

Even if a monkey is performing at the zoo, if a top star suddenly appears next to it, the monkey just becomes Background Character No. 1.

I slipped a strip of jerky I had secretly tucked in my pocket into my mouth.

*

"Um... the venerable history of our academy goes hand in hand with the founding of the Empire... um... as the future and beacon of the Empire, you all...."

The principal, wearing magnifying glasses, let his voice drift dreamily from the podium.

If you're going to use a magic megaphone, at least make it clearer.

"Look over there. That's the second son."

"Those pants, though. He isn't even trying to hide that he's a barbarian!"

Shouldn't I at least be louder than them?

The mumbling sounded like some kind of mass sleep spell.

I opened my mouth wide and fought back a yawn.

"Haaahm."

Failed.

Couldn't hold it in.

Tears even pricked my eyes.

I looked around and the sight was ridiculous.

The bright-eyed freshmen's gazes had already gone dead, and a few of them looked like their souls had left their bodies while they were still standing.

'The principal's lecture is a sleeping pill whether you're in Korea or here. Universal truth, that.'

Can't they see what's happening up there? Or do they know and keep doing it anyway?

There's no separate torture technician needed.

One of the boys standing next to me nodded off and started headbanging.

I quietly broke the beat apart in my head in time with him to fight the boredom.

And so the lecture that felt like it lasted for eternity finally ended, and at last the faculty introduction began.

"Next, we will introduce the proud faculty of our academy."

At the host's announcement, the drowsy students gradually woke up.

One by one, professors with stern faces came up onto the podium to greet us.

From the musclebound professor of the Knight Department to the monocle-wearing, clearly stubborn-looking professor from the Alchemy Department.

They were all quite the characters.

But when it was the Magic Department's turn, the host announced the news with a troubled expression.

"Unfortunately, Professor Iris von Evergarden of the Magic Department is unable to attend due to personal research matters. We ask for the freshmen's understanding."

The hall began to buzz.

I picked at my ear and thought,

'Who the hell is that? Professors skip out too? This school's pretty lax.'

But thankfully, the noble students with charming mustaches standing next to me started whispering explanations.

"Oh dear, Professor Iris again...?"

"As expected of a genius. An entrance ceremony wouldn't mean anything to her, huh?"

"Don't even get me started. She was the youngest ever to enter this academy, graduated top of her class, and even became the youngest professor in imperial history. I thought we might at least get to see her face, but looks like she's holed up in her lab again."

"Rumor has it she spent a whole week proving some magical formula and did nothing but research without even eating."

"Imagine how glorious it would be to study under someone like that."

Once again, thank you, Speedwagon!

Useful intel acquired, gotto da ze. I'm never signing up for her class.

Of course, I survived this semester too.

If it were a Korean class, the professor names would be something like Han Hyeon-ho or Hwang Chun-ho, so they'd be hard to remember. Westerners all have names that are ridiculously distinctive, so they're easy to remember.

Iris von Evergarden?

'Nope, nope.'

I searched through the course registration I'd already finished, but I couldn't find even a name remotely like it.

Strict, inflexible, and the type who lives trapped in her own little world.

The kind who goes, 'Why isn't this working?' while looking at the students like they're complete idiots.

Getting tangled up with some high-spec talent like that would just be exhausting.

I ignored whatever the professors were saying and fiddled with the jerky hidden in my pocket.

"Well then, that concludes the entrance ceremony. Freshmen, please proceed with your own schedules."

Oh.

Finally over.

*

As soon as the entrance ceremony ended, the crowd flowed out like an ebb tide.

Everyone else probably crammed their timetables like Tetris blocks from first period on, talking about noble duty and academic zeal, but I'm different.

'Are you crazy? A 9 a.m. class is a human rights violation.'

Of course, if my father found out, my hide definitely wouldn't be safe.

So my simple little plan was to show up in the mornings only at the start of the semester, when everyone's watching, and slack off.

The Court Count is insanely busy.

You know, same thing as a corporate executive who can't take care of their family.

So if I just held out for a month, I'd be able to show up in broad daylight without anyone batting an eye.

Since I'm already being pointed at as not a proper noble, while I'm here I'll just sleep in peace in the mornings.

Trudge, trudge.

I headed in the opposite direction from everyone else going to the lecture halls, toward the most remote part of the academy.

My target was a secluded corner of the garden where people rarely set foot.

A spot that was moderately shaded and had pleasantly soft grass—not as nice as the hay pile by the farm hut on my estate, but still good enough to lean back and rest on.

"Ah, there. That's perfect."

In the distance, I spotted a lush hideaway beneath a massive old tree.

As I approached the place that looked as cozy as my own bedroom,

rustle.

something was sticking up over the bushes.

Pink hair, swaying in the wind like cotton candy.

'......Ah, fuck.'

I almost blurted the curse out loud.

I think I know who that is.

How could I not?

It was that coloring plastered dead center on the cover of this goddamn romance-fantasy novel.

Besides, I saw her at yesterday's banquet hall too.

The person whose gaze that arrogant crown prince had locked onto after passing right over Elysia.

'Saint Lily.'

She, the original heroine, was clearly hiding here too, avoiding the crown prince's suffocating flirting and the villainess Elysia's murderous glare.

'Figures. Our sense for a good hideout is pretty much the same.'

But this isn't the time to be impressed.

Getting involved with a time bomb like that would be a pain.

The rule of this world is that if an extra hangs around the protagonist, they'll get caught in the crossfire and die.

'Let's move quietly. I saw nothing.'

I tried to turn around in silence.

That was when it happened.

Rustle!

"Meow!"

A stray cat shot up out of the bushes like a rocket.

"Ah!"

And right after that, the pink-haired girl sprang up like a spring to chase after the cat—

only to lock eyes with me, who was clumsily trying to run away.

Shit.

"......"

"......"

The pastel light-green eyes widened into perfect circles as they turned to me.

We made eye contact.

The eyes that had been sparkling after the cat were now tinged with wariness.

'Damn it.'

It was too late to run, and too close to pretend not to notice.

Lily looked at me and parted her lips.

The first thing that came out of her mouth, as she seemed to be trying to say something, was pretty shocking.

"Uh... barbarian...?"

Wow.

Look at that first-meeting trash-talking skill.

She must've heard either "Farne's barbarian" or "the starving second son."

Even so, calling someone a barbarian to their face?

The moment I was about to snap back, completely dumbfounded—

Rumble—

A very faint, thin sound tickled my ears.

Of course, the source was the woman's belly right in front of me.

"......"

"......"

The instant the silence settled,

Lily's face turned bright red in an instant, like a ripe tomato.

She clutched her stomach with both hands, unsure what to do.

Good grief, woman.

I clicked my tongue in pity.

"Bringing it out in the open and calling me a barbarian on our first meeting? That's awfully rude."

"S-sorry..."

"I thought saints only drank dew, but your stomach clock is awfully honest, huh?"

"S-sorry! I, um, skipped breakfast...!"

Lily panicked and bowed at a ninety-degree angle.

If my past-life memories are right, life at the temple was probably pretty rough.

On top of that, she must've been running around avoiding the crown prince, so she probably didn't even have time to eat.

I rummaged around in my pocket.

The rustling made Lily flinch and back away.

She seemed scared I might pull out a club or something.

But what came out of my hand was a brown lump reeking of a salty, savory smell.

"Here, at least eat this."

"Huh...?"

"What? You've never seen jerky before?"

I put a piece of jerky into her hand.

The more you chew it, the better the savory flavor gets.

I put a lot of research into getting this flavor right.

Lily stared blankly down at the jerky in her hand.

She looked like she had no idea what it was.

"Since it was given to you by a barbarian, you should enjoy it properly by tearing into it with your hands like a barbarian. Don't go looking for a fork or knife."

"......"

I walked off without even waiting for a reply.

Staying any longer felt like it would really become a hassle.

I tossed her a piece of jerky, so let's call it even. I did my part.

From behind my retreating back came a small sound.

"......Pfft."

A tiny laugh, like someone letting air out.

Yesterday, the villainess Elysia laughed after hearing my rude remarks too.

And today Saint Lily bursts out laughing at the barbarian joke?

That pattern's not looking too good.

'Why do all the heroines here end up laughing when they look at me? This is seriously giving me a bad feeling.'

Looks like today is an unlucky day.

*

I ran away.

It was less about surviving and more a strategic retreat from annoyance.

Only after I sat my ass down on a bench deeper in the garden, in a spot shaded thick by the trees, did I finally feel like I could breathe.

"Haa, living is exhausting."

Leaning back against the bench, I looked up at the sky. Sunlight shattered through the leaves and dazzled my eyes.

Suddenly, the pink-haired girl I had run into earlier came to mind.

'She's absurdly pretty.'

Pastel light-green irises, huh.

Even an idol with circle lenses couldn't pull off that color.

You could scour every white person in America, Canada, and Europe and still not find a color like that. What kind of genes are those?

Even Elysia's violet eyes, the villainess I saw yesterday, were incredible.

I had wondered how anyone could look at Elysia and not be hooked, then still look at another girl.

"But after seeing her today, I get it."

In a way, it's like...

'A visual challenge between equally matched monsters.'

That pink-haired girl wasn't just some bedhead either; it was a luxurious wavy style you'd have to blow a ton of money on at a Cheongdam salon to get.

This romance-fantasy world's definitely overflowing with eye candy.

The school uniform design does have a little, or rather a lot, of gender inequality, but both guys and girls are basically public welfare in the looks department.

Everyone except me looks like they've visited a plastic surgeon a few times.

I was just sitting there judging everyone's looks all by myself when—

rustle.

I felt something moving at my feet.

Looking down, I saw a squirrel under the bench staring up at me.

Its brown fur was glossy and sleek; a little bastard that clearly ate well and lived well.

"What, are you used to people? Get lost."

I waved my hand, but it didn't budge.

Instead, it stood on its hind legs and brought its front paws together.

Its eyes weren't on my face, but on the jerky with the last bit still hanging from my hand.

Sniff, sniff.

The way its nose kept twitching was no joke.

'...What? Is this little bastard a carnivore?'

As far as I knew, squirrels were supposed to be chewing on acorns and stuff.

Was I being biased?

Well, this world has magic and dragons, so maybe a squirrel can chew meat too.

Its eyes were so bright and sparkly that I finally surrendered.

"Fine. Eat it and get lost."

I pinched off a piece of jerky the size of a fingernail and tossed it.

Tap!

The squirrel snatched the jerky piece like lightning and gnawed on it until its cheeks bulged out.

Then it looked back at me, eyes shining.

'More.'

Damn it, seriously.

"Damn, I don't even have enough for myself, so why are there so many bastards after my snacks today?"

Both people and animals just look at me and ask for food.

What am I, a cafeteria?

I was grumbling and about to put the rest of the jerky in my mouth when—

Hop, hop.

The bushes shook, and this time a white ball of fur popped out.

It was a rabbit.

And a very plump one at that.

It took a spot beside the squirrel and, just like it, kept twitching its nose and staring fixedly at my jerky.

I stopped the jerky I was about to chew and let out a dry laugh.

"Heh."

Isn't that a little much?

I shot up and pointed at them.

"Hey, you crazy bastards! Dammit, you're a herbivore! I know you eat grass, you little shit!"

I may have slept through biology class, but I know that much.

Rabbits are supposed to chew on carrots, not go after dried beef!

But this rabbit just ignored my shouting like it was background music and lifted its front paws.

'Hurry up and give it to me.'

"......"

I pressed a hand to my forehead.