Chapter 18
“……”
A day passed. Though I was awake, I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I even pulled the covers over my face to show just how much I didn't want to get up.
It wasn't because I wanted to sleep a little longer. I simply, truly didn't want to get up.
After what happened yesterday, I'd cried for a long time and then fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion. Now I was afraid to get up and face a new day.
‘No messages….’
Wondering if Seojin had texted, I checked our messages on my phone under the covers, but there was nothing beyond the one asking me to meet at the café.
As if that were the end of it.
‘I-I can't message first….’
Usually, Han Seojin started our conversations by messaging me first, so the idea of reaching out myself felt strangely difficult.
More than anything, after Seojin had seemed to hate me so much yesterday, I couldn't help thinking it would be shameless of me to message first.
…That was part of it, anyway. I also kept hoping Seojin would message me first, like always, but that hope had been utterly crushed.
“Sigh….”
How on earth was I supposed to fix this situation? Should I apologize first?
No, wasn't the fact that I was even thinking about it a sign I'd already messed up? Of course I should apologize and ask for forgiveness.
“Idiot, you stupid idiot….”
I cursed myself over and over, trying to shake off this awful feeling, but instead of feeling better, I only felt worse.
It wasn't like Seojin would get over their anger and come to me just because I sat here by myself. What was I even doing?
Maybe my heart felt so unsettled that I just wanted something to lean on. I hugged the pillow I usually slept with, hoping it would comfort me.
But the pillow seemed to betray my feelings. Something about it wasn't enough, and my heart grew even more restless, so I pushed it away.
…When Seojin hugged me, it was so much warmer and more comforting than this.
‘What… am I supposed to do?’
I needed to apologize to Han Seojin, but I just couldn't find the courage.
Was it because I was such a friendless loser that I'd never made any friends besides Seojin and had no idea how to handle a situation like this? Or was I simply unwilling to admit that my relationship with someone so important to me had become strained?
I knew nothing would get resolved unless I made the first move, but even knowing that, I was too scared to act.
What if I apologized and Seojin didn't accept it?
“…!”
Just imagining it was horrifying. It was something I never wanted to go through, so I trembled and hugged the pillow again, paying the price for letting that thought cross my mind.
If only I hadn't said something like that in the first place, it never would have come to this.
No matter how much I regretted it, it had already happened.
Like spilled water that could never be gathered up again.
Even through all that pain, time kept passing.
The next day, Han Seojin still didn't contact me.
==========
[Han Seojin: Want to meet today?]
[Kim Siyeon: Yeah]
Han Seojin didn't contact me again until a whole week after that incident.
I'd been so anxious that I didn't know what to do with myself, but the moment I saw the message, I smiled so happily I felt like I might fly right over to Seojin.
‘…W-Wait. We still haven't talked about what happened.’
Of course, as soon as I remembered I hadn't said a thing about it yet, my head cooled and I grew depressed again.
Still, the important thing was that we could see each other again!
“W-What should I wear…?”
I always had a hard time choosing clothes, but this time I put my whole heart into finding something that would definitely be to Han Seojin's taste.
I racked my brain, trying to remember which outfits Seojin had complimented, then recalled the one Seojin had said looked really pretty and immediately found it and got dressed. Once I was ready to go,
I quickly finished putting on a little makeup, carefully enough that it wouldn't be too obvious, just like I'd learned last time, and hurried outside.
Normally, I'd arrive right on time, but this time I wanted to get there early and wait.
I had to do at least that much to make sure Seojin didn't hate me.
As I hurried toward our meeting place, my heart beat strangely fast, and I couldn't help hoping Seojin might compliment my outfit again.
When I arrived, I was a full thirty minutes early. I could manage waiting that long, so I was about to stay put when—
“Wah!”
“Hic?!”
Han Seojin suddenly appeared behind me, grabbing my shoulder and shouting. I was so startled that I hiccuped.
W-When did Seojin get here…?
I was sure I'd arrived really early, but unlike me, panting and hiccuping, Han Seojin looked perfectly fine. I couldn't even begin to guess when Seojin had shown up.
…C-Could it have always been like this?
‘A-And I had no idea….’
I'd naturally assumed Han Seojin would arrive around the meeting time, since that's when I usually did, but seeing Seojin here so much earlier surprised me—and made me feel a little guilty.
…I'm such a complete idiot.
“…Se, Seoj… hic. Se, hic.”
Anyway, I'd meant to apologize as soon as I saw Seojin, but I kept hiccuping and couldn't get the words out. All I could do was try to calm my startled heart while going hic—hic—.
“Then, shall we go?”
“Hic, yeah….”
Seojin watched me and chuckled, then said it was about time to go and held out a hand to me.
It was obvious Seojin meant for us to hold hands as we walked.
I hesitated, then squeezed my eyes shut and took Seojin's warm hand. “Let's go!” Seojin said, leading me along.
Because it had been so long since we'd held hands, my heart was beating even faster. Then Seojin suddenly started walking, and I followed in a daze.
…But we'd held hands plenty of times before, so why couldn't I calm down?
I had no idea why I was acting like this, and couldn't even begin to figure it out, but Seojin seemed excited, so I decided that was all that mattered.
…And Seojin's hand was warm, too. It made me want to keep holding on.
‘B-But I still need to apologize….’
I definitely needed to apologize, but I'd wasted so much time hiccuping that I'd missed my chance…!
What should I do…?
==========
The reason I'd wanted to meet today was partly because it had been so long, but more than anything, I'd wanted to apologize.
I'd been reluctant because of the worst-case scenario I'd imagined—that Seojin might not accept my apology.
But I had no one besides Han Seojin, and I knew I had to apologize first if I wanted to keep being with Seojin. That was why I'd meant to do it, but…
“Ah~”
“A-Ah….”
“There we go.”
This wasn't what I'd had in mind.
Han Seojin bought a chicken skewer and held it out for me to take the first bite. I stared at Seojin in confusion, but eventually opened my mouth and took a big bite.
I wasn't too fond of Seojin patting my head and saying I'd done well, but what could I do about it?
“Hehe….”
…Anyway, Seojin was only patting my head because the chicken skewer was delicious. Yes, exactly. That's all it was.
I savored the hot chicken skewer, which was a little spicy and sweet, and swallowed. Then I found myself wanting another bite, so I looked at Seojin. As if Seojin had expected it, Seojin said “Ah~” again and gestured for me to open my mouth.
…I was incredibly embarrassed with everyone around us watching, but when Seojin said “Ah~” again, I opened my mouth and took another bite.
“…!!”
The moment I saw what Seojin did, it felt as if I could no longer taste the chicken skewer at all.
Seojin had taken a bite from the exact same spot I'd just bitten.
‘A-An indirect kiss…!’
The thought that popped into my head made it spin.
Of course, there was only one skewer and two mouths, so I knew an indirect kiss was bound to happen. Still, seeing it happen right in front of me was enough to deal a critical blow.
“A-Ah….”
Thinking that my saliva had gone into Seojin's mouth made my head feel like it was about to explode, and I couldn't think straight.
And that wasn't all.
“Are you two dating?”
“N-No, we're not…!”
We were mistaken for a couple as we walked down the street.
“Excuse me.”
“…!!!”
The place was so crowded and cramped that Seojin had no choice but to hug me.
“Th-There's only one straw…?”
“Yeah! So what?”
“It's not ‘so what’…!”
We bought a drink but only had one straw, so I experienced another indirect kiss. A lot of things happened.
After we'd had our fun, it gradually came time to say goodbye.
“Se, Seojin…!”
“Yeah?”
“I-I'm sorry… About how I got mad at you the other day….”
I couldn't put it off any longer, so I squeezed my eyes shut and forced the apology out.
It was something I had to say sooner or later, and I had to say it before the day was over, at least.
“Oh, that?”
I'd been worrying about what I'd do if Seojin really didn't accept my apology, but Seojin's next words immediately put me at ease.
“It's okay! All I need is you, Siyeon.”
“W-What…!”
“I mean it. I know you didn't really mean what you said, and I have fun whenever I'm with you, Siyeon.”
Seojin said something so embarrassing that I wondered if it had only given me yet another reason to feel unsettled. Then Seojin gave me a tight hug and said,
“…So let's keep being together, okay?”
Seojin said,
“Y-Yes, y-yes....”
Finding Seojin strangely cool in that moment, I ended up speaking politely to Seojin for the first time, without even realizing I'd bitten my tongue.