Chapter 22
Suddenly, with my back to the front door, fear seemed to crawl up my spine and flood my mind.
The surroundings should have been terribly familiar, yet they felt like someplace I'd never seen before. The view beyond the apartment corridor railing was overwhelming to someone as tiny as me.
So, stamping my feet as they already began to go numb, I started thinking hard.
'Getting out was the easy part... but where am I supposed to go to die in this state?'
The simplest way would be to brace my hands on the railing, struggle to climb over it, and jump.
Since this building is three stories tall despite being a studio apartment, this fragile body would shatter easily the moment it hit the ground.
Unlike last time, when I tried to hang myself with a sloppy knot and only half-succeeded, if I could just jump, there'd be no surviving, no matter how much I struggled afterward.
The most certain way to die.
My whole body trembled as I imagined what I'd look like after dying, but if I armed myself with the resolve that I had to die, I thought I could just barely overcome something like that.
The only problem was...
"Hyunwoo... would be devastated."
The moment I jumped, I'd probably catch the attention of countless people.
The woman hanging laundry in the distance and the passersby on the street would see my corpse, too.
A little girl, who ought to have nothing to do with pain or suffering yet, lying cold and still, her blood and entrails scattered around her—a sight wholly unsuited to her.
It wouldn't take long for word to spread through the area and for the cleanup to be finished.
'By the time Hyunwoo got here... everything would be over.'
But the story of a little girl jumping from this building and killing herself would remain.
When Hyunwoo came home, knowing nothing, and came face-to-face with the truth, Hyunwoo would blame himself and suffer.
That was just the kind of person Hyunwoo was.
That wouldn't be ideal.
It was for the same reason I hadn't left Hyunwoo a final letter.
So I couldn't die here.
No matter how difficult or painful it was, I had to go somewhere far enough away that the news wouldn't reach Hyunwoo.
Dragging this pathetically weak body along.
Dragging this glasslike body that seemed liable to break with a single tap.
Walking along the sharp asphalt road on two feet already swollen from the cold.
"Let's go."
Thinking about it any longer would just be an act of escaping reality.
Hyunwoo might come back at any moment, and might get angry at the sight of me outside.
I didn't want to upset Hyunwoo.
Firming my resolve once more, I started down the stairs.
"Ugh...! Ah... ngh..."
The soles of my feet had been exposed to the cold air for so long that I'd lost all feeling in them. Every step down the stairs brought a fresh wave of pain.
My skin was so delicate, without even the slightest callus, that a pain like walking over thorns surged through me.
When I finally made it down to the second floor and looked at my feet, the soles were swollen red.
I hadn't expected simply getting out of the house to be so difficult, and tears spilled down my cheeks.
'It hurts... I don't want to move anymore...'
The soles of my feet, already frozen stiff, screamed with hammer-like pain every time I took a step.
My muscles seemed to cry out, begging me to stop.
Still, once I'd come this far, I'd made a choice I couldn't take back, so I had to force myself to walk, ignoring my body's warning signs.
After all, my body, warning me to stop, was just another enemy desperately trying to keep me from dying.
I slowly leaned against the stair railing, practically using it to hold myself up as I descended one step at a time.
It was definitely bearable when my full weight wasn't concentrated on my feet.
"......! Ngh..."
And when I reached the bottom and let go, the pain came rushing in.
I took another step and planted my foot on the asphalt road. A sharpness beyond anything I could imagine pierced my flesh.
I stopped there for a moment and tried to calm down with deep breaths, but the sensation of my feet burning didn't seem to ease at all.
This road, paved entirely for efficiency, was a cruel environment for a barefoot girl to endure.
I felt that if I kept this up, I'd die from the pain before I even made it somewhere to die, so I forced myself to walk away.
'So, where should I go?'
I had no idea.
I kept moving without a plan, not even knowing where this road led, simply leaving my body to its unconscious instincts as I walked.
Taking the first step had been difficult, like the soles of my feet were tearing, but, unexpectedly, the longer I walked, the more accustomed I became to the sensation.
I couldn't tell whether my feet were so badly damaged that I was getting used to the pain, or whether I was genuinely adapting.
Still, thinking this had to be a hundred times better than standing here in a daze, I kept walking.
'I have to endure. Even if it hurts so much I feel like I'm going crazy, I have to keep walking.'
Clinging to a consciousness that flickered as though it were about to snap.
Even so, it felt more bearable than last time, like I was gripping a thicker rope.
My eyelids kept drooping, and it felt like my eyes might slide shut, but as long as I forced myself to keep thinking, I didn't completely collapse.
"......"
As the distance I walked gradually grew, I realized that the number of gazes fixed on me had doubled, too.
They were probably looks of pity from people worried about me.
I wasn't grateful for them.
Even if I received pity now, it wouldn't change my resolve, and they might even interfere and get in my way.
I'd end up causing trouble for someone again.
Knowing this curse wouldn't end until my heart had worn away and disappeared, I ignored them and kept walking.
Fortunately, no one came up to speak to me.
I felt keenly, in my own body, just how cold the world had grown with the passage of time.
'It's best not to interfere in things you don't know about.'
A bizarre sight: a frail girl, her soles covered in blood, wearing no proper clothes, just an ill-fitting white T-shirt, wandering the streets as if she could die at any moment.
How many people in the world would have the courage to reach out to this strange sight, which practically reeked of a crime in progress?
"Hyunwoo..."
That name came to mind without my meaning to.
The only fool I knew like that was Hyunwoo.
Even though it had nothing to do with Hyunwoo, Hyunwoo could've simply watched me die and walked away. But that foolish kid had gone out of the way to save me.
Now I missed Hyunwoo so terribly that I forced myself to shake off the thought and keep walking.
After walking for a long while, I arrived at a destination even I hadn't known I was heading for.
It wasn't all that far, but it wasn't close either—about a twenty-minute walk.
A river came into view in the distance.
A magnificent river, so vast it seemed it could swallow someone like me whole without leaving a trace.
I walked straight to the middle of the bridge.
Then I looked down at the river that would become the instrument of my death.
'It's beautiful.'
The cold wind blowing around me lifted my spirits a little.
I felt captivated by the blue water, enough to forget even the throbbing pain in my feet.
The river stayed quiet and still amid these fierce winds, as if mocking my heart for being anything but calm.
I placed my hands on the railing.
After all, to jump in here, I had to climb over this railing, which was just a little lower than my height.
Even if it was something the world needed, it wasn't exactly pleasant to think objectively that I was controlling a girl's body and driving her to her death.
'Even so, I have to...'
I don't want to die. I want to live.
I want to try living an ordinary life without hurting anyone.
This wish, my eternal desire, would sink into the depths of that water and never be known.
Thinking of it that way, I felt a little resentful about dying.
"......"
I put strength into my arms, forcibly bent my leg, and pushed it through the narrow circular opening in the railing's decoration, raising my knee over it.
Then I slowly hauled myself up, trying to keep my balance—something I wasn't used to—until I was high enough to barely get over.
Maybe because there was no longer any barrier between me and the river, the gloom of its blue water looked even clearer.
Its deep color seemed to contain countless grievances on a scale beyond comparison to my own, tightening my chest and filling me with fear.
'Can I... jump?'
I didn't know.
Was this really what I wanted? Was that why I'd walked all this way?
Had I climbed over this railing for this?
I was scared. Scared that if I dropped into that abyss, I'd disappear without a trace.
A contradictory, primal fear began to fill my tiny body, enough to scatter the resolve I'd had just moments ago.
"Ugh..."
As fear seized me, I reached out and wrapped my arms around the railing I'd barely managed to climb over.
I clung to it desperately, afraid that if I let my guard down even a little, my body would fall backward.
I really didn't want to die.
This wasn't the ending I wanted.
Even though all I had to do was let go and everything would go as planned, my selfishness had taken over my mind and was shamelessly trying to keep me alive.
'Ah... no...'
I didn't have the strength to climb back over the railing.
My legs had already given out, and my body wouldn't listen to me.
With all the pain and exhaustion that had built up over time piling on, I felt my consciousness growing hazy.
'No. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I still want to live...'
My strength gradually drained away, and my body began to tilt backward.
It was a sign that the strength in my arms, wrapped around the railing, was starting to give out.
"Help... help me... please help me..."
In a situation exactly the same as last time, I murmured a cry that would reach no one.
There was no chance my savior would come here, so this time I couldn't expect any help.
Until the very end, I was used by this godforsaken world, falling with hatred in my heart.
One by one, the fingers I'd barely managed to hold on with slipped free with little popping sounds, and when I finally realized I was truly 'dying.'
It felt as though something had seized both my hands with a thud.