For You, Who Are Like an Angel

It was a life without much meaning.

My life had no purpose, no clear crises or opportunities like everyone else's... not even the ordinary narrative everyone seemed to have.

I'd lived a life that was that uneventful.

Well, of course.

I'd grown up as nothing but a good child, so obedient that I could barely remember ever living by my own will.

'This dream again.'

Whenever I closed my eyes, the same scene.

As a child, I wore fine clothes, as if flaunting that I'd been born into a wealthy family and raised without want.

Beautiful delicacies of every color were laid out on a vast dining table.

A meal grand enough that anyone who saw it might believe it was the Last Supper.

It'd be hard to believe it was all wasteful excess just to get breakfast for a family of four.

And, as always, the only sounds echoing through the bleak space were the clink of spoons and knives.

'I feel like I'm going to throw up...'

In the midst of it all, I had lost my smile and moved like a machine.

I was utterly repulsive, moving my arms to eat because I had to, blindly.

A gray life.

This privileged life, which must have looked dazzling to others, had no highs or lows, no twists or turns...

It was quiet and still, like a boat floating on a lake whose waters had long since stagnated.

That's why I pursued the ordinary in search of something special, and longed for a routine life in search of an unpredictable one.

The raw, unvarnished lives of people who complained that life was so boring made me terribly envious.

At least it felt as if their own choices mattered more than mine.

They walked the future they'd chosen themselves and bore the responsibility themselves, but that meant it was full of endless variables.

I'd admired a life like that...

'There was so much variety at school.'

When I first left home and started school, I thought I wouldn't get along much with the others.

According to my parents, I'd already received an education on a level far beyond anything those kids had learned... and children were simple, incapable of thinking even one step ahead.

But the feelings I had while attending elementary school and living alongside them cried out that this wasn't true.

The kids were simple, but just as pure; they lived for the happiness of the moment and enjoyed the unexpected.

The one who stayed rigid and old-fashioned, floating above it all, was me.

None of them were stupid.

Unlike us, they weren't afraid of having something to lose. They enjoyed each day and lived earnestly.

And that feeling only grew stronger as we moved on to middle school and high school.

'Then I met you.'

Minseo. You, with an androgynous name, a delicate frame, and no confidence.

You always looked frightened, as if something were chasing you.

But in your eyes, there was something burning fiercely, as if you resented something.

It intrigued me. Without even realizing it, I was drawn to that charm, and at school I approached you warmly, wanting to know more about you.

In the end, though, family circumstances kept us from meeting outside school.

After starting high school, I even tried keeping a cat to ease my boredom.

'It was cute. It didn't have a name, though.'

Just a cat. Since it had no name, that was what I called it.

A pet just to pass the time. Nothing more than a source of variety.

So when it suddenly fell ill and died, I didn't know why, and didn't even want to know.

I was someone who completely refused to take an interest in others.

I was content just to watch it live and observe its freedom.

I didn't cry. Not even when I buried it, ending the bond between us for good.

As if I were a psychopath. I felt nothing.

How much time passed after that? By my third year, Father finally began telling me about our family's history and my future.

'It felt pointless.'

It didn't sound interesting.

The moment I accepted Father's proposal, I was certain I'd become a puppet and live not as Lee Hyunwoo, but as a copy of the Lee family.

That's why I cut ties.

You could call it running away without telling anyone, I suppose.

I found a cheap place to rent, settled in, and earned money from part-time jobs, living the unpredictable life I'd long yearned for.

I worried about money like an ordinary person, worried about military service, and sometimes went hungry...

All of it made me happy.

And at last, when I became an independent person named Lee Hyunwoo...

'I could spend time with Minseo outside school, too.'

Drinking, playing board games, and enjoying the warmth of other people.

I was happy to get to know you up close, living in circumstances so much more desperate than mine.

'Still, those feelings weren't love...'

I still can't forget that day three days ago.

Not long after I was discharged, I was on my way back from working out when I happened to receive a coupon for a tteokbokki place as a gift.

Thinking of Minseo, I sent a text, and a reply came in a voice that sounded like you were about to die.

I rushed there, and what I saw was a horrific, nauseating dance hall of blood.

The hellscape, with blood scattered brazenly everywhere, making even the floor sticky, was enough to fill me with terror.

Would it have been better if someone else had been there?

Maybe I was terrified because it was you, a girl who didn't belong in a sight like that...

Something beyond beauty or cuteness, something unlike a child.

When I saw you, Minseo, transformed so completely that it felt accurate to say I could see beyond your soul, my heart began pounding like mad.

'Maybe I'd been chasing uncertainty all this time for the sake of this moment.'

Opportunities don't come twice.

So I let my heart be moved, and did everything I could to save you, the person who made my soul tremble.

Especially that moment on the road, when I shouted ridiculous jokes like a madman, doing something completely unlike me—it felt more exhilarating than anything.

Even after I learned you were Minseo, my heart still raced, so I tried to make you, my first love, my woman.

The moment I brought you home, I thought it was over.

Though you didn't see me as a romantic interest, I'd stopped you from wanting to die.

I believed you when you vowed not to say you wanted to die again, and my head filled with daydreams.

Since you were a girl, I anticipated you gradually falling for me and becoming more feminine, so I went to your home and brought over a mirror. Just today, I'd bought you clothes and snacks, too...

'I was the one who failed to understand what was in your heart.'

I hadn't given any thought to how you felt, or what it was like for you to live here.

In the end... I was no different.

I realized I'd treated even someone I loved as carelessly as the cat I'd let go without a second thought.

"Minseo..."

So this time, I won't make the same mistake.

I'll set aside my selfishness and do everything I can to make you happy, even if I have to shape my whole life around you.

I'll hide my ugliness... and listen to your story.

I'll become the perfect man worthy of being your husband.

And slowly, I'll color that heart of yours, sealed off like a fortress, flowing into it like water seeping through cracks in a rock until, at last, I break down the wall around your heart.

"I love you. Minseo... I'll love only you forever."

You probably won't hear this.

You're already asleep, so you can't hear what I'm saying.

For now... I'll make this vow of love to you and engrave proof that you belong to me in your unconscious.

I hope that if I tell you about this someday, it can remain a romantic episode rather than something that disgusts you.

"...I love you."

I move the hand of the arm wrapped around Minseo and gently cradle the back of her head.

Her body is so light that even a slight tug turns her into a sideways-lying position facing me.

Looking at Minseo's lips, plainly in my line of sight, I feel that sensation of falling in love all over again.

"I love you."

I slowly lean closer, drawing Minseo's body even nearer to me.

As Minseo's angelic sleeping face draws near, I feel my breathing grow labored and my heart beat irregularly.

At last, with Minseo facing me from just a handspan away, my heart begins to ache.

To calm this pounding in my chest, and to leave you with a curse you can never undo...

Closer. Closer still, I narrow the distance between us.

......

The faint sensation of skin lightly pressed against mine.

Beyond my lips, Minseo's warm, soft warmth begins to seep deeply into me.

It was touching. Minseo's soft cheek

My anxiety and obsession... call it selfishness if you like.

Whatever happens, I won't lose you. I swear I won't let even death take you from me, pressing my lips more firmly against yours and feeling them give beneath the pressure.

It's sweet.

Sweeter than any delicacy in the world.

Sweeter and more delicious than any treat I'd tasted as a child. I can't shake the feeling that I'm becoming addicted to it.

I want to taste more. Deeper.

I'm still uneasy.

Minseo is fast asleep and won't know whatever I do, so maybe I should just keep going like this...

"...Mmm... Hm? Hyunwoo...?"

"Huh?! Wh-what...?"

Just before I was about to cross the line I'd set for myself—'Kisses should be shared happily, with both people conscious'—Minseo slowly opened her eyes as she began to wake.

Thanks to that, I came to my senses and quickly pulled my lips away, able to breathe a sigh of relief inside.

"Hehe... Nooo... Mmm..."