About 'Me'

After Hyunwoo's inexplicable, sudden offer, I spent the rest of the night lost in thought.

'Even so, we weren't that close.'

Although we'd gone to the same school for six years and stuck together, even Hyunwoo—the closest of my few friends—hadn't always been in my class or walked to and from school with me.

Our friendship had been limited to the inside of the school building; once school let out, we were busy going back to our own homes.

The only reason we knew each other's homes and door codes was that, just before graduating high school, he'd kept pestering me to have a drink, and we'd gone around hanging out, changing locations.

Six years of friendship, in name only.

In reality, we were ordinary friends who'd properly interacted and known each other for only about a year.

'Was there any reason to go out of his way to help someone like me?'

However I looked at it, it was a deal where only Hyunwoo stood to lose.

I wondered why he could so readily say he'd provide me with food, clothing, and shelter when there was absolutely nothing he could get from me.

'Cute... that's what he said, right?'

The thought suddenly crossed my mind, tickling me, and the drowsiness that had been creeping over me vanished.

Then I got out of bed and looked at the mirror, which happened to be in a good spot.

It certainly wasn't because the word cute felt embarrassingly flattering, making me blush as I checked my appearance.

It was purely to objectively see whether I looked beautiful to other people.

"......Ah."

It was dark around me, so I couldn't see clearly, but faintly visible in the world on the other side was a beautiful and cute... girl, staring into my eyes and sighing just like me.

A girl with slightly flushed cheeks.

'Because you're cute.'

Hyunwoo's sweet voice briefly lingered in my head before fading.

The girl blushed as those words rang in her heart, as if she'd hypnotized herself.

This body was obviously tired.

The same sentence kept repeating in my brain, and strength was steadily draining from my body.

The irregular thumping of my heart also showed that my body wasn't normal right now.

The person in question was none other than a friend I'd known for six years. We were nothing more than friends.

Even though my body had become a woman's, I was still unquestionably a man who could say outright that men weren't my romantic preference.

Since anyone who genuinely fell in love and dated guys with dicks was definitely a gay bastard, I could confidently say I didn't see Hyunwoo as a romantic prospect.

As if she shared my opinion, the girl in the mirror stared at me, her flushed cheeks now cool.

I slowly walked toward the mirror and reached out.

As if that thin pane of glass were the boundary separating our worlds.

Soon, a cold sensation met my hand, and my hand met the girl who'd come closer from far away.

I knew we weren't actually touching skin, but still, it seemed to feel a little warm.

"Who are you?"

I slowly spoke to the girl in the mirror.

Anyone watching would say I was crazy, but I didn't particularly care.

The room was private, anyway, and I'd be discharged once this night was over.

There was so much I wanted to ask that girl, who was clearly 'me' but looked so alien.

"......"

Of course, no answer came.

She only moved her mouth in time with me; she couldn't actually speak.

'I don't know. Then who are you?'

Suddenly, a thought blossomed in my mind.

Just as that girl's thoughts appeared in my head in the form of sentences, those words unexpectedly passed through me.

That answer had clearly come from the girl. And at the same time, it was my answer, too.

"...I don't know."

After I gave that vague answer, we both fell silent as if we'd planned it.

The girl fidgeted and glanced my way, looking unsure what to say.

I hated to admit it, but she was cute.

It felt mysterious, as if I were seeing a tiny baby angel in person.

"If you're that cute, why do you keep calling yourself a man?"

Next, I asked the girl an even more blatant question.

The girl seemed to think deeply about what I'd said, groaning as she pondered.

Meanwhile, more time passed, and moonlight streamed through the window, scattering light across the room.

Seeing the girl's form bathed in the cool glow and shining even more softly, I found my heart involuntarily filling with rapture.

'No. If anything, you're the beautiful one. I'm definitely a man.'

The answer came naturally as I looked at the girl before me.

I countered the girl who'd called me cute, defending my identity as a man.

A frustrating feeling, like talking to a wall, settled in one corner of my chest, so I decided to confirm one last thing.

"Then, do you like Hyunwoo?"

'I mean romantically, not as a friend.'

The girl closed her eyes again and began to think over my question.

Though I couldn't see her, it felt as if I could picture her perfectly.

She finally sorted out her complicated thoughts and slowly began to open her eyes.

There was no need to think so deeply, but I couldn't seem to feel certain, so it took me a little time.

There was only one answer I could give to that question. And that was...

"I'm not some gay bastard like that."

'I'm not some gay bastard like that.'

Only then did relief wash over me, and a refreshing clarity began to spread.

A sense of freedom, as if I'd escaped that strangely mysterious pressure and suffocating frustration.

I writhed in fear that I'd lose even myself from staring so deeply into the mirror, but when I realized the girl beyond it was no different from me, I felt relieved.

"Haa... ha..."

Only then, reassured, did I drop to my knees and breathe hard, trying to steady myself.

My breathing was smoother than it had been in the morning, which seemed to confirm that my throat had nearly healed.

I raised my head again and looked at the mirror in front of me.

It reflected the mysterious and beautiful girl who looked much as she had before.

But once I realized that the girl beyond it was no longer separate from me, the sense of alienation I'd felt just moments ago disappeared.

As my tension eased, tears ran down my cheeks.

In the mirror was a reflection of 'me,' sobbing sadly like someone who'd just had a terrible nightmare.

'Thank goodness...'

I let out a sigh of relief and, in my own way, began to accept myself in the mirror.

If I'd given a different answer at the end, I would've definitely smashed this mirror.

And that act would've meant my death, so I savored the mercy of a world that let me stay alive for now and enjoy happiness and warmth.

As long as I was alone in this room, I wasn't hurting anyone.

This quiet place, as if forgotten by the world, felt as though it wouldn't allow me to come into contact with anyone.

A space that felt as if I'd been imprisoned away from the world.

It sank in that this long night was a final gift meant entirely for me.

'I'm sleepy...'

As I felt the moon gradually lose its light and the surroundings grow dark again, exhaustion finally began to pour over me.

'Well, it was strange enough that I'd managed to stay up until dawn in this body.'

I wanted to savor the night, the only free time I'd been given.

I wanted to endure this time just a little longer and continue enjoying the freedom before I died.

This brief time when I didn't have to disappear from the world, when I was allowed to exist.

The only time I didn't have to hate myself was slowly slipping farther away.

As if wanting anything more than this were a luxury.

This damn world was determined to burden me with deep, deep exhaustion and forcibly send me off to dreamland.

'......'

If I thought about it carefully, perhaps I couldn't say I hadn't gained something.

After all, even though my appearance had changed, I was still the same person I used to be, and I'd confirmed I wasn't some gay bastard who could take men as romantic partners.

As long as I could remain myself to the end, there was no longer any reason to keep living shamelessly and burdening others in such an ugly way.

"Ugh..."

I laboriously moved my body onto the bed and collapsed onto it almost face-first.

The sensation of my body melting and seeping away like butter set on a frying pan began to take over my whole body.

It was as if I'd found my eternal companion, whom I'd forgotten about all this time; in an instant, the emptiness was filled, and I felt myself becoming one with the hard hospital bed.

'I really should die tomorrow...'

With that thought, I sank deep into an uncertain sleep.

Believing that once tomorrow came, I could finally say a proper goodbye to this wretched world.