Chapter 46
I thought I’d understand if I followed Oppa here.
After all, the person who’d made such a big deal about being special had changed his mind and set off in search of freedom.
As Oppa left the house with a relieved expression, determined to stand on his own, he didn’t seem to regret it, at least.
Compared to him, I was always afraid of change, staying inside... content to settle without ever going out.
That was why Dad’s words—that I should learn the business and fill the position Oppa was originally meant to take—scared me.
I was a coward to my very core. Selfish, wanting to live like a princess, and with no confidence that I could do it.
"It’s okay, Hyuna. I’m not that old yet."
Dad smiled kindly at me.
Like a jewel the world had never seen... Dad, whom I’d thought of as nothing more than an impressive old man, seemed to shine.
The jewels I’d impulsively bought one by one whenever I felt unsettled looked like pebbles by the roadside.
Pearls before swine. Could there be a more fitting expression?
I even found the burdens and effort every person was supposed to shoulder too much to bear.
Obviously, right? What could I do when I had no talent and wasn’t smart compared to Oppa or the people around me?
I was sure I’d be worse than useless.
I’d do it for a little while, then give up because it was too hard, hole up at home again, and waste my whole life spending money until I died.
Dad said it was okay, but was that really kindness and patience?
Maybe I’d kicked away the last thing he’d placed his hopes in.
He’d abandon me someday. The moment he decided I was useless, I’d be out on the street.
So before Dad could abandon me, I abandoned myself first.
Because I couldn’t bear to watch that radiant smile slowly fade, or to shatter a heart as precious as a treasure.
When I left home without thinking, the first person I thought of was Oppa.
Oppa had left home as if it were the most natural thing in the world, without a hint of hesitation. He must have had some idea, and been making plans while looking beyond what I could see.
The truth was... I wanted to ask him for advice.
So I could find the confidence to believe in myself, after I’d already given up on myself because I couldn’t even trust myself.
So I could find the courage to step out into this frightening world.
But from the very first time we reunited, Oppa was boldly pouncing on a little girl...
"Hyunwoo. Who’s that woman...?"
That girl was calling Oppa’s name affectionately while watching me warily.
All kinds of thoughts crossed my mind. They were part of why I froze and couldn’t move for a while.
I even suspected that Oppa’s talk about leaving to find freedom, and all that exercise he’d done for his supposedly amazing cooking... had actually been to seduce and toy with a little girl who knew nothing about the world.
If I hadn’t given up on myself, I might’ve slapped Oppa right then. Or maybe punched him in the face.
But I didn’t have the confidence to do that.
I, who’d turned my back on the world and run away... who was so afraid to give up even the life I’d already abandoned that I’d brought the jewels along as insurance.
I wasn’t in any position to criticize Oppa.
That was why I made excuses, saying the jewels weren’t mine either.
"Oppa. Who’s this girl...?"
Even so, I believed in him.
Because I didn’t think Oppa was a fool who’d act on impulse like me.
There must have been a reason. Maybe I deliberately acted so aggressively, trying to make Oppa out to be a criminal, hoping he’d prove me wrong.
The moment I found out that girl was Minseo Oppa, it felt like my heart stopped.
"Hehe..."
The slightly embarrassed smile and awkward expression on his face.
And a cute, pretty black dress that fit his now-small body perfectly.
It felt so absurdly different from the Minseo Oppa I knew, but...
I also thought it was incredible.
Oppa had always been amazing and smart, so I could understand that. But Minseo Oppa had been an ordinary, cute guy.
Even people like them were adapting to a life that had changed in the blink of an eye and finding a way to live. What was I doing?
Thinking about it, Oppa had changed around the time he met Minseo Oppa in middle school, so I wondered if there was something special about Minseo Oppa.
That was why I wanted to get closer all the more. I hoped I’d realize something by spending time with him.
Even though Minseo Oppa had changed and was no longer my ideal type, I kept coming on to him as if I were still in love, even throwing away my pride...
Enough to make even Minseo Oppa recoil.
"I said no because I’m worried you’ll do something weird to Minseo."
Oppa said that to me, as if warning me.
As if he’d read all my thoughts... He’d never said anything like that to me before.
Since Oppa had been by my side for so long, he knew I didn’t have the courage to do something like that.
I couldn’t help thinking he’d seen through my resolve to pursue Minseo Oppa so relentlessly.
"You were cute until you were fourteen..."
The reason he’d specifically brought up that age must have been the same.
That was when Oppa left home for high school, and I slowly started becoming a coward.
In the end, Oppa was warning me that I wouldn’t gain anything by trying this.
Why hadn’t I stopped then?
After that, I became obsessively fixated on Minseo Oppa, deceiving myself about my feelings and continuing to do crazy things as if I were sincere.
I even considered forcing a kiss on him, or going into the bathroom with him outright.
I’d been consumed by it. My own greed and madness had eaten away at me.
Oppa’s actions didn’t seem all that different, and if I took them to the extreme, I thought I might gain the same insight Minseo Oppa had given Oppa back in middle school—in just a week.
Was I crazy? I knew perfectly well that no one could discover freedom in life through that kind of perverted behavior.
As if Minseo Oppa were some absolute god... I thought I’d understand just by staying by his side and getting as close as possible.
Well. In the end, I lost heart and gave up after just one day.
It didn’t take long to realize it was meaningless.
Even when I asked why Oppa could do it and I couldn’t, I was really talking around the question of insight, not actions.
Minseo Oppa just stared at me blankly.
"Hyunwoo doesn’t feel awkward, but you..."
Reminding me once again that Oppa and I were different people.
In that moment, it felt like I’d been hit over the head with a hammer. No matter how much I clung to Minseo Oppa, I didn’t think anything would change.
Because I could never be like Oppa.
Because that was only natural.
Because we were different people.
Those thoughts kept circling in my head, tormenting me.
So I kept the conversation going by making the ridiculous argument that our genes were 50% the same, meaning I was half of Oppa.
If I couldn’t walk the path Oppa had taken, I had no idea what path I was supposed to take to find confidence in myself.
I didn’t want to just drift aimlessly, swept along until I was driven to my death.
That was why I tried to take Minseo Oppa outside.
I wanted to put Minseo Oppa at ease and ask him directly, without worrying about what he thought: Why were you living with my Oppa?
Maybe I wanted to scream it out one last time.
"Ah... Hyunwoo... Hyunwoo..."
But before we could even leave the house, Minseo Oppa collapsed on the stairs.
I didn’t know why. He’d been fine, then suddenly had a fit.
It didn’t look like a physical problem at all, so I called Oppa to come, but I still couldn’t feel at ease.
When I thought about it, though, that made sense.
I didn’t even know what Minseo Oppa had been going through, despite the way he’d adapted and lived normally all this time.
I’d been afraid of what I couldn’t see, treating it as if it didn’t exist.
After Oppa got home, everything got better.
No matter how long I stayed by his side trying to comfort him, he hadn’t gotten better—but he was fine within ten minutes of Oppa arriving.
Even if I didn’t know the details, were Oppa and Minseo Oppa that important to each other?
"I love you. That’s what I wanted to say."
Minseo Oppa’s quiet words.
With everything around us quiet, his beautiful confession rang all the clearer.
The moment I heard it, it wasn’t hard to understand.
Oppa and Minseo Oppa were simply living their lives that way.
They hadn’t put their lives on the line because they knew their futures were secure or knew what to do. They were just moving forward, even if things were uncertain.
Unlike me, who couldn’t walk because I couldn’t see what lay ahead...
From the start, there’d been no need to be afraid.
Even amazing Oppa had trusted in uncertainty and invested part of his life.
I think I understand now. In the end, unless I live it for myself, no one can decide my path for me, right?
Oppa had invested his life in Minseo Oppa, and that was how he’d been able to make Minseo Oppa his and keep him by his side.
So... I think it’s time for me to go back.
I don’t know what I should do, so maybe I’ll try learning the work Dad mentioned... I don’t think it’ll be too late to decide what comes after.
I like jewels, so maybe after I learn the business, I’ll start a jewelry company of my own.
It might fail. But that doesn’t seem so frightening anymore.
I can always fall back on my money.
If it fails, I’ll try something new... I’ll keep doing that until I find myself again.
When I can finally hold my head high, call me. Then I’ll secretly find a place for the two of you to live happily, without telling our parents.
Thank you, Oppa. For granting such an unreasonable request from your little sister.