Chapter 49
"Anyway, let's leave that there. Is the omurice to your liking?"
As I sat there, blankly savoring the warmth, Hyunwoo broke the silence and asked.
"Um... I wasn't really in a state to taste it earlier, so..."
I'd definitely eaten a few bites, but I'd been so busy swallowing past the feeling of my throat closing up that I hadn't tasted a thing.
There wasn't the slightest doubt that anything Hyunwoo made would be delicious.
If anything, I regretted having filled nearly half my stomach without properly savoring it.
"Want some more, then? There's still plenty. Say ah."
"Ah."
Hyunwoo moved his hand again and held out a spoonful to me.
Though I'd already eaten a fair amount and drunk a lot of water, I wasn't sure if I could really taste it...
It was definitely pretty good, even considering how full I was.
It was restaurant-quality, but the flavor wasn't too strong and had that home-cooked feel?
"Minseo. I'm going to get some water, so keep the spoon in your mouth for a bit."
"......"
He left the spoon in my mouth, then got up for a moment.
I wondered why I needed to keep it in my mouth when he could just put it on the table...
But I didn't feel like arguing, so I quietly held it in my mouth and waited.
"...?!"
He held a glass of water in one hand and used his other arm to wrap around my chest and lift me up.
It must've been awkward to carry me with one hand...
I was starting to wonder if he really had to do that just to go to the water purifier right in front of us.
But unfortunately for me, I had no say with the spoon in my mouth...
In the end, only after he'd filled the glass and returned to his seat, setting me on his lap, was my mouth free again.
"You can let go now."
"Bweeh..."
After holding the spoon in my mouth for over a minute, I obviously couldn't swallow, and I could see some of my drool speckling it.
The drool stretched into a thin string, then snapped with a little pop. It was almost gross.
It felt weird to think that was my saliva.
...And it was embarrassing that Hyunwoo had seen it.
"Want some more?"
"No... I'm full..."
In the end, even that little bit of drool turned my stomach enough to make me stop eating.
Still, since I'd eaten a little earlier, I did feel somewhat full...
It was nice at times like this that this body was so fuel-efficient; I didn't have to eat much.
"Then I guess I'll have to finish the rest."
Hyunwoo looked at me and smiled again.
There was something addictive about that smile; I found myself staring at him absentmindedly.
So I didn't react even when Hyunwoo moved his hand and scooped up some omurice with the spoon.
Come to think of it, that thing's covered in my saliva right now...!
Maybe because I'd just seen it, the grains of rice on the spoon seemed to gleam even more...
"Wait...! Hyunwoo..."
Before I could stop him, the spoon disappeared into Hyunwoo's mouth.
I was a little shocked to see Hyunwoo shovel it in like someone who hadn't eaten in three days.
Was he really that hungry...? No... It was his first meal after work, and it had been delayed by hours, so he must've been hungry, but that much...?
"Minseo, what's wrong?"
"Ah... N-no...! I was worried you'd choke. I was telling you to drink some water..."
"Thanks."
It was too late to say I was embarrassed that he was eating off a spoon covered in my spit.
I hurriedly picked up the glass on the table and handed it to Hyunwoo, covering it up.
...Right. Don't think about it. We'd never made a big deal out of indirect kisses before anyway.
Though I did think there was a bit of a difference when that much saliva was involved...
But he'd already eaten it, so there was no need to make Hyunwoo uncomfortable by bringing it up.
"Were you really that hungry...?"
In the end, Hyunwoo's combat-style meal, closer to a food fight, was over.
It had taken me thirty minutes to eat a few spoonfuls, while Hyunwoo polished off several times that amount in five minutes.
I started feeling bad, wondering if he'd been holding back his hunger because of me.
"Well... yeah, I guess."
After thinking about it for a moment, Hyunwoo hedged and brushed it off.
Judging by the way he glanced toward my lips as if checking my reaction, it seemed like he was saying that the time he'd spent feeding me had kept him hungry for that much longer.
He'd probably been about to say that, then decided to gloss over it to spare my feelings.
"I'm sorry... I made you eat it all cold because it took me so long..."
"...What does that matter? I enjoyed it, so that's all that matters."
"Still, I'm sorry..."
In the end, weighed down by this little pang of guilt, I apologized.
Maybe I was apologizing because I wanted to reassure myself that I wasn't that much of a piece of shit yet.
It hurt to pretend not to notice that I was inconveniencing Hyunwoo, so I ended up revealing my selfishness.
"Minseo. Didn't I tell you not to say you're sorry?"
"......"
"You said sorry twice, so say I love you twice."
In the end, I couldn't even keep the little promise we'd just made. I'd already forgotten it.
If I said I loved him now, it'd just be empty words... Would it even mean anything?
I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"Hey. What are you thinking so hard about?"
"Ah, n-no... I..."
Look at me. I'd made up my mind to be honest, but what I was doing now was trying to hide my feelings.
I guess I hadn't thought it mattered that much.
Hyunwoo was kind. No matter what I did, he'd understand and sacrifice himself for me.
Disgusting. The nerve of me, saying I liked Hyunwoo when I'm like this.
...Actually, that "I like you" I said—wasn't I just appealing to his sympathy because I was starting to feel desperate, so he wouldn't abandon me?
Once negativity takes root and seeps in, it doesn't stop.
It keeps spreading through the trunk and branching out, until it makes me doubt even the essence I believed was pure.
Had I ever done anything good for Hyunwoo?
Had I ever given back even half of the concern he showed me... no, even a single thing?
"......"
By now, I couldn't hear Hyunwoo's voice anymore.
It felt just like that time... Everything around me was red, and even though my eyes were open, I couldn't see.
The sensation of returning to hell was unbearably hot, as if my body were melting, and it was horrifying.
And only then did I realize what this unknowable space really was.
This red backdrop wasn't the blood that had covered everything around me at the moment I hanged myself after seeing blood.
It was my own selfish heart, not blood.
The thought that had burned so strongly in my mind as I hanged myself, and when I left home to die.
I realized that although I pretended to think of others, in the end I was just making excuses so things would be easier for me.
"...! Hey, Kim Minseo!"
As I sank deeper into my thoughts, Hyunwoo's shout pierced my ears.
Just like back then, only Hyunwoo's voice made it into my head and echoed powerfully.
But right now, I didn't have the courage to open my eyes and face Hyunwoo.
Just a little longer. If I suffer here a little more, maybe my heart will feel lighter...
"Pwah...?!"
My eyes flew open.
I suddenly couldn't breathe at all, and when I coughed, water sprayed out of my mouth.
...What? Can I shoot water cannons out of my mouth now, too?
"Phew... You're finally awake."
"Ugh... Water went up my nose... What was that...?"
"You weren't answering, so I opened your mouth and tried giving you water."
When I looked at Hyunwoo's hand, more than half the water in the cup was indeed gone.
It was ridiculous that this body could choke on just half a cup of water...
But I'd been having a rather serious thought, so I glared at Hyunwoo, annoyed by his joking reaction.
"I was thinking about something serious..."
"What kind of serious thought has a kid shaking in fear like that...?"
"That's... um..."
"Try not to think about that stuff. Your image of yourself might be negative, but to me, you're a baby angel."
Hyunwoo made another one of his shamelessly over-the-top jokes.
He could see I was down at a glance, so he deliberately got even more energetic and said something ridiculous.
It was hard to hide my smile when it was so clear how much he worried about me and took care of me.
"Yeah..."
I nodded slightly.
I really shouldn't agonize over things by myself anymore.
The more I did, the more I only made Hyunwoo worry, so I thought it would be better to show my feelings honestly, without hiding them.
"Minseo."
"Yeah!"
I answered with more energy than usual, since I was in a pretty good mood now.
I hadn't repressed myself like I usually did and had just let my voice follow my feelings, so it might've come out a little too high...
But I didn't bother worrying about it.
I knew those things were all pointless now.
Hyunwoo smiled back at me.
Until now, I'd mostly just received Hyunwoo's smiles... I never knew sharing a smile could feel this good.
It felt like sharing happiness.
"You have to say you love me. Twice. Hurry."
"...Huh? Wasn't that over already...?"
"You haven't said it yet."
Hyunwoo was a little... no, seriously, incredibly bad at reading the room, but...
Hadn't we ended things with us laughing together...?
Did I really have to say I love him out loud, all embarrassingly?!
"B-but love is... that's not something you just say lightly... You wouldn't tell a same-age male friend you love him either, Hyunwoo...!"
"I love you, Minseo."
"Ha..."
I'd forgotten Hyunwoo was on another level...
"Phew..."
I took a moment to catch my breath.
If I couldn't avoid it, shouldn't I just enjoy it?
...Well, even if I couldn't enjoy it, getting it over with quickly was better than dragging it out frustratingly.
"I-I love you... Hyunwoo..."
Aaaaaaaaaagh!
My sanity is being shredded... Help me...
"There's still one more. This time, say it cutely, with some affection."
"......"
I couldn't tell if Hyunwoo was seriously teasing me or not, but he had a smile on his face as he did it...
His grin was so huge his cheekbones were practically shooting up to heaven...?
You bastard...
"I... I love youuu...!"
Should I just die?