Chapter 31: I'm Not So Bad

"All right, try this one and this one, and wear them like this."

"...Again?"

"You've only tried on eight so far. Come on, hurry."

"I don't think these are any different from the ones I tried on before..."

"Sir! How about this one? I think this would suit you, too!"

"Oh. This one's nice, too. All right, this time, try on these three."

...I'd vaguely heard things about women shopping on the internet, but I never expected it to be true.

Had I come here to buy clothes, or to work part-time as a clothes hanger?

'Tokkaengi... Save me...'

[It's better than putting on a fashion show as Alice! Let's be thankful for that!]

'My real body is taking psychological damage...'

As Tokkaengi said, putting on a fashion show like this as Alice would have caused a commotion, but at least everyone knew my real self was a man, so it was all right.

But there was a world of difference between being all right because my secret hadn't been exposed and being all right simply because it was bearable.

Of course, protecting my secret was important enough to have my life riding on it, but if my life got ruined in some other way before that, wouldn't it all be pointless?

-Blank

"Hmm. I'll go with this one. I think it's the prettiest."

"Yes, sir. I'll ring you up over here. We're having a couples' discount event at the moment. Are you two a couple?"

"Uh... Don't people usually do things like that around Christmas? There's still quite a while to go."

"Our owner just loves seeing young couples... so she does this often even when it isn't an anniversary."

"Of course we're a couple! Right, Mr. Sejin?"

"Huh? Uh."

I couldn't even properly hear what she was saying, but it seemed like she was asking for my agreement, so I nodded.

I thought fighting Abyss Ones had trained me mentally quite thoroughly, but this was a completely different kind of psychological attack.

"You're such a well-matched pair. I enjoyed having something nice to look at, too, thanks to you two."

"Ahem. Our Mr. Sejin is quite a sight, isn't he?"

"Oh my, the gentleman is certainly handsome, but you're very pretty, too. If you ever need to buy clothes again, please come back to our store, and we'll give you a special discount."

"Really? I'll come again!"

'...It's over, right?'

[Probably...?]

"Here, Mr. Sejin. Put this on and come out. Good work."

"Yeeees..."

[...Are you sure you're okay?]

'Just today... If I can just endure today...'

"Hmm. It definitely suits you. Where should we go next? It's almost lunchtime, so shall we eat first?"

"Let's do that..."

Even if I tried to take the lead, it would have been impossible since I didn't know anything.

My first thought was, 'We've bought the clothes, so can't we just take the pictures like this and go our separate ways now?' But that was vetoed on the grounds that if we wanted to properly pretend to be lovers, we should at least go on one proper date so we could prepare for specific questions.

Apparently, eating a meal, watching a movie, and having coffee would let us tell more detailed lies.

It sounded reasonable enough, so I decided to obediently go along with it.

I doubted that woman Aia would actually ask exactly how we'd gone on a date, but she was so unpredictable that I couldn't rule it out.

How was I supposed to predict what a woman who, even after we'd said we were a couple, made sexual jokes about telling me to come find her after she'd broken up with me right in front of us?

And seriously, how does a magical girl, of all people, come up with a joke like, 'Friday night, contacting me is okay, too,' anyway...?

"Mr. Sejin. You were just thinking about another woman, weren't you?"

"?!"

"Women are sensitive to things like that. Even if this is only an act, while we're together, please look only at the woman you're with."

Ah, wait. Hearing something like that...

[XX, you're not thinking about another woman right now, are you? When you're with Alice, look only at Alice.]

-Queasy

'Ah...'

The memory dragged up from somewhere deep without my permission brought the familiar nausea with it, and my sense of balance went haywire.

-Sway

-Grab

"Mr. Sejin?! Are you all right? Your complexion suddenly... Did I say something I shouldn't have..."

"...I'm fine. My stomach's a little upset."

"Uh... If you're not feeling well, should we call it a day? We can just take the pictures over there by that tree..."

"...No. Let's do this properly."

"Are you... sure?"

It had happened a long, long time ago already.

I might not be able to completely separate it from my life, but wouldn't it be pathetic to remain shackled to it forever and fail to live my own life?

I needed to learn to leave the past buried, too.

I needed to fix the fact that merely recalling one old scene could make me nauseous and stop me from doing what I needed to do.

"But, wait... I'm going to use the restroom."

"G-Go ahead..."

I couldn't help being a little unsteady, but I managed to get into a restroom nearby.

It was an outdoor restroom with the large mirrors I'd hated so much that I'd removed every mirror from my home.

Inside, my reflection had barely changed even compared with eight years ago.

Skin pale from lack of sunlight, dark circles that had become chronic, and dull eyes people often described as 'dead eyes.'

It was no different from before, and it was still a sight I didn't want to see.

'...I hate looking at it.'

I turned away from the mirror, took some medicine from inside my clothes, and forced it down with tap water.

A patient needed medicine, not some silly self-loathing.

Only after the medicine's effects forcibly dragged down the revolting emotions wrapping around my brain could I finally lift my head and look in the mirror again.

I still hated looking at it, but I no longer felt as revolted as I had before.

Because, in the end, this was a face given to me by the people I'd loved most in the world.

'I've received so many compliments on my looks since I was young.'

And what I use those looks for is cross-dressing.

My younger self probably wouldn't have believed me.

If I told my younger self, 'When you grow up, you'll cross-dress as a white-haired beauty, smile in front of people, and defeat monsters,' no one would believe it—not just my younger self.

Well, I suppose that's why an S-rank, number-one magical girl fell for me at first sight and started coming on to me, forcing me to do this to stop her.

'This is why I hate going outside.'

There was a reason I hated going out whether I was Alice or in my real form.

It was ridiculous that all of this had started because I'd gone to the convenience store in front of my house to buy cigarettes.

Anyway, now that I'd calmed down somewhat, I headed back toward where Mia was waiting.

I wanted to splash cold water on my face if possible, but I had no handkerchief, and wiping it off with water onto the new clothes I'd just bought seemed wrong, so I endured it.

At least, we'd called today a date.

"Oh, you're back? Here. I bought this at the pharmacy."

"...Thank you."

I'd used my upset stomach as an excuse, but I doubted she would believe I'd reacted that way solely because my stomach was upset.

That didn't mean I intended to explain my circumstances in detail, either.

"Shall we go eat? I'm feeling better now, so you can choose wherever you'd like to eat. I received the clothes, so I'll pay for the meal."

"N-No! It's fine! I was the one who suggested this. I have plenty of money..."

"I'm much older than you. I can't just let you pay for everything. Since you bought me porridge, I'll at least pay for the meal and coffee."

"Uh... Ah... Th-then I'll gratefully accept..."

...Somehow, given how she kept saying she'd pay and that she had plenty of money, could it be that she really thought I was unemployed?

I admitted I didn't have a job with a fixed income, but I did work as Alice, so it was troublesome if she thought I was unemployed.

If I ever really needed money urgently, I could go to Emerald and say I'd appear on a program featuring Alice, which would cover most of the amount I needed. I wasn't exactly in a difficult position financially.

Or I could sell a little of my persona and pride, act cute, and ask her for some pocket money.

My income was irregular, but I had enough to cover my living expenses, some savings, and places I could turn to for quick cash if necessary.

My circumstances were very different from those of an ordinary unemployed person.

...If not for the fact that a natural disaster had made my house collapse just recently.

"What do you like? Pasta?"

"...Do you like tteokbokki?"

"You don't have to deliberately eat somewhere cheap."

"I actually like street food."

...She seemed to be doing it out of consideration, but there was also a chance she genuinely liked street food, so I decided to just eat it.

I still didn't understand women's psychology well, and we weren't real lovers anyway. We'd decided to go on a date for one day because we needed each other, so there was no need to read too much into it.

* * *

"It was my first date... It was fun. I never had anyone to watch movies with, and going alone felt awkward, so I didn't watch them often. But watching one with someone I knew beside me was really fun."

"...Me, too."

"Th...en, if an entertaining movie comes out later, would you go with me again?"

"..."

We'd taken the pictures we'd set out to take. The fake date we'd gone on under the pretext of adding more details was over, too.

Strictly speaking, there was no reason for us to keep spending time together.

...Still.

"If I have the time."

"R-Really?!"

"To fool her properly, it wouldn't be bad to spend time like that regularly. We can't squeeze every excuse we need out of a single date."

"Th-Then I'll suggest it sometime! Until then... we're neighbors... like usual, right?"

"I suppose so."

"Ahaha, of course. Well, you must have had a hard time today, too, Mr. Sejin. You must be tired from walking around so long, so get plenty of rest!"

-Thud

After finishing our date, I returned home and looked through the pictures we'd taken that day.

There were photos taken with a phone, as well as printed photos we'd brought out of a photo booth. They definitely looked enough like a couple that anyone shown them would think we were dating, which put me at ease.

Even if it wasn't Aia, I now had a means of easily brushing off someone similar if I met her again.

[How was it? The atmosphere wasn't too bad.]

"What do you mean, how was it? I did it because it was necessary."

[It couldn't have been that bad if you even made plans for next time.]

"It's only because, now that we're accomplices, we have to keep our stories straight."

[The safest thing would be to move away.]

"My lease still has time left, and I've already paid for the repairs to the house, so I might as well keep using it for now. What else can I do?"

I hadn't expected a magical girl to move in right next door, much less one I knew, but it had already happened, and there was nothing I could do about it.

At least until Aia was completely off my back, we'd have to keep our stories straight, wouldn't we?

'The problem is, she doesn't look like the sort of woman who'll give up easily.'

"But, Tokkaengi. I know I only just took down an A-rank Abyss One, but haven't there been very few callouts lately?"

[Partly to give you a rest period... and because there's a place where an A-rank Abyss One is expected to appear soon.]

"...You've got to be kidding me."

[It can't be helped. After the last A-rank Abyss One appeared, the negative unconsciousness of the people who were affected exploded, and Nightmares increased dramatically.]

"...Sigh."

The Abyss Ones called Nightmares, which induced people's nightmares and lived by feeding on them. I'd said they would evolve into higher beings if left alone, but it looked like I'd get the chance to see one soon.

But there was a problem.

"You know Upper Nightmare and Alice are a bad matchup, right? You'll have to deal with the aftermath yourself."

Judging from my usual appearance, it should be obvious, but I—Alice—was a terrible match for Abyss Ones that specialized in mental attacks.

The matchup itself was actually favorable, but since the magical girl using that magic was vulnerable to mental attacks, I'd avoided that type of Abyss One whenever possible...

[I know. We'll dispatch another S-rank magical girl to take the lead, and Alice will serve as support.]

"Support two times in a row. If you're offering me a free ride, I have no reason to refuse."

Mascots were always irritating creatures, but at least they didn't deploy magical girls thoughtlessly in situations like this, which was something in their favor.

At least they weren't incompetent commanders who ordered their soldiers to charge recklessly regardless of whether they lived or died.

"If it's another S-rank... Kariel or Emerald, maybe? Lavis would be a poor match since her power is halved against beings without physical bodies. But does that woman Kariel even have the time? Honestly, she'd be the best fit for a Nightmare."

[I don't know about that. Still, I hear they're putting together a team with two S-ranks and one or two A-ranks, so they shouldn't be lacking in firepower.]

"I hope that's true."

I probably wouldn't be dispatched today or tomorrow, but with another troublesome fight scheduled, I needed to get plenty of rest for now.

I couldn't let myself fail to manage my condition before an A-rank appearance like last time and end up leaving most of it to Lavis.

I was already vulnerable to mental attacks. If I wasn't in good condition on top of that, it would be dangerous no matter that Alice was the fourth-ranked S-rank magical girl.

-Plop

I placed the pictures I'd taken that day face down on my desk and went to sleep in the sleeping bag inside my tent, since I still hadn't fixed my bed.

For some reason, I had a feeling I wouldn't have a nightmare tonight.