The Hermit Crab

"Something's wrong. It's been almost a week, and not a single suggestion has come in."

"There's only you and me in this world. Did you really think anyone would send one in? And don't squat in someone else's space for a whole week."

"Thanks to that, I've completely settled in here, as you can see."

"Don't move the furniture around by snapping your fingers without permission. Hurry up and choose where you want to be reincarnated."

"It's hard to decide when no postcards are coming in for the suggestion box..."

"You need to show a little initiative."

"I can't think of any better ideas than becoming a hero's rib."

"Come up with a brilliant idea. For starters, your goals are far too steeped in lust. You can't possibly be satisfied with a life spent chasing whatever you want in the moment."

"That's a fair point."

"It's entirely fair. Since there's no helping it, I'll lend you my wisdom."

"You should say you're willing to go out on a limb for me."

"Rejected. I can see where this is going. Now, let's see... You were a modern kid with a gamer brain, weren't you?"

"I'd say I was more of an outdoors type. Back in school, I went all the way to the arcade three times a week."

"I refuse to call going to the arcade an outdoor activity. Even if you were an outdoors type, you still had a gamer brain."

"On the days I didn't go to the arcade, I liked gathering wild vegetables in the mountains."

"So you were an outdoors type. But that's beside the point."

"That's sad."

"In short, how about reincarnating in a systematic other world, like a game?"

"I see. A world where you can manage Skills and stats, as they're commonly called."

"Exactly. But if all you did was go to arcades, perhaps you're not good at role-playing games?"

"No problem. I played plenty of games at home, too."

"That's good to hear."

"I liked PC games, and I played a ton of them on a high-spec machine."

"You were quite the hardcore gamer."

"They cost about seventy yen per game, on average."

"So you were a crap-game gamer."

※There are games that cost less than 100 yen even when they're not secondhand. You can probably guess why!

"I like regular games, too. I love romance games."

"Is that so? Well, that wasn't important after all."

"You're so cold. By the way, what's my Affection level with you, Goddess-sama?"

"Let's see... If the maximum is 100, then about 95."

"That's surprisingly high. You look beautiful today, too."

"Thank you. It's 96 now."

"This game's way too easy. By the way, if it reaches 100, can we get together?"

"Yes. Once it reaches the maximum, I'll preserve you as a trophy and display you as an ornament, because I love you so much."

"Wait, this isn't a romance game. Getting together is the end of my life, and the difficulty's way too high."

"Come on, praise me some more. I'll even let you keep your consciousness."

"This evil goddess is completely insane."

"Your Affection is 99 now."

"Oops. I can't afford to say anything careless anymore."

"By the way, you also get a login bonus. When the date changes, I'll give you one point. That's in about ten minutes."

"The deadline's almost here."

"So I recommend you choose quickly."

"Can't be helped. I'll go ask my internet friends for ideas."

"I thought you were dead."

"They're online friends. They'll never find out."

"What an empty friendship."

"Oh, I got a reply."

"That was fast, considering the date's about to change. So, what did they say?"

"A hermit crab."

"Did you actually ask them a question?"

"Yes. I asked, 'I'm going to be reincarnated in another world. What should I become?' and that's what they replied."

"What a lovely friend."

"Heh heh heh."

"You don't understand sarcasm, do you? Then, shall I reincarnate you as a hermit crab monster?"

"No, just a hermit crab."

"Just a regular hermit crab?"

"If I became a hermit crab monster, I figured someone else might already have reincarnated as one."

"That's ridiculous... Oh, someone has."

※Someone has.

"Don't you think it'd be wonderful if an ordinary hermit crab became a hero?"

"I don't think it'd be an ordinary hermit crab anymore."

"There could be a hero who gets his nose pinched by a hermit crab's claw."

"That's just a comedian."

"If a sword wielded by a hero can become the protagonist, then a hermit crab that pinched a hero's nose can be one, too."

"At that rate, someone who double-took at a hero could become the protagonist... Though there was a hero whose weapon was a double take."

※There was.

"For now, I want to report back to my friend, so let's go with a hermit crab."

"You're already planning to come back, aren't you? I'll make you a hermit crab, not a monster, but I can't have your life ending in an instant because of the food chain. So I'll add some options, as long as they don't increase the waiting time."

◇

"I can't believe it, but I'm back."

"I knew it."

"Would you like to hear why it didn't work out?"

"First, I'd like to hear why you thought it would."

"Doesn't it seem like it'd have high defense?"

"It would if you were a monster."

"Things were going smoothly for a while."

"There's only so far a hermit crab's life can go smoothly."

"Things were going well until I became the overlord of the Seven Seas."

"It went better than I expected. I'm curious about the details, so rewind it."

"My first memory is hatching from an egg. As a zoea larva, I was nothing but food for other creatures, and many of my siblings became food."

※A zoea larva is the name for the early stage of a hermit crab's life.

"That sounds like a desperate struggle, but when you think about it calmly, it's perfectly ordinary. The world isn't an easy place. Tell me about something a little later."

"After I vanquished Glassray, Ruler of Purgatory, the sworn enemy of Laitsunbell, the former hero..."

"It sounds like you hit fast-forward and changed the channel at the same time. Since there's no helping it, give me a digest starting from your larval days."

"I survived my first struggle for existence, found my first home, bid farewell to the sea where I was born, and set off on an adventure. Then I fought a hero—"

"That's the part. Starting around when you bid farewell to the sea, tell me more about your duel with the hero."

"After losing my lover, the Sea God Ractosha, I became a demon consumed by revenge..."

"Let's rewind a little more. Start around when you found your first home and bid farewell to the sea."

"Ractosha, the Sea God, had been imprisoned in the Restora Undersea Temple, an otherworldly relic from an age marked by the remnants of the gods' ancient war. To make her my first base, I wielded the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick, which my master, Red Salmon, had taught me at the cost of his life, and engaged in a fierce battle with Leviakun, the temple's absolute guardian—"

"So by 'home,' you didn't mean your shell. I've learned that the only way to understand this is to start from the beginning."

"My first memory is hatching from an egg. As a zoea larva, I was nothing but food for other creatures, and many of my siblings became food."

"This is irritating, but I'll bear with it. Go on."

"I barely survived and grew large enough to be seen by people. While living on the beach, I was picked up by Laitsunbell, who was the hero at the time, thanks to the option you gave me: 'Forge a bond with the hero.'"

"So that bizarre turn of events was my fault?"

"The hero who picked me up felt a strange connection with me and chose me as his adventure partner."

"My carelessly assigned option caused a catastrophe."

"Then, thanks to your option 'Become the hero's strongest weapon,' I was equipped by the hero and awakened as the strongest hermit crab."

"I really should've checked those options more carefully."

"But after toppling mountains, splitting the sea, and tearing through the clouds, the hero suddenly came to his senses. Why was it a hermit crab?"

"I wish he'd noticed sooner."

"The hero tried to let me go, but because of your 'Cursed Weapon' option, he couldn't get rid of me."

"The gods of that world are going to get angry with me any minute now."

"With no other choice, I was left in the sea while the hero retained ownership of me, and he set off on his journey again."

"I'm relieved he found a way to exploit a flaw in the curse."

"Well, as a consequence, ninety percent of the hero's power stayed with me."

"So much for the world not being an easy place."

"After that, I lived as an ordinary hermit crab with ninety percent of the hero's power, until one day I discovered an undersea temple."

"I wouldn't want to run into an ordinary-looking hermit crab with ninety percent of a hero's power. Didn't you fight a duel after that?"

"Should I fast-forward that far?"

"No, go on. I can only imagine the hero losing."

"The undersea temple was beautiful, and inside, where I'd snuck in, I found the Sea God Ractosha. She had a better figure than you, Goddess-sama."

"You'll be preserved as a trophy later."

"Whoops. So that punishment is still in effect."

"Go on. Tell me the rest of your story, a parting gift from the underworld."

"I thought Ractosha would make a suitably conventional heroine, so I rescued her and started making plans to turn the undersea temple into our love nest."

"You're a shameless scumbag."

"But I was ambushed by the massive guardian, Leviakun, a colossal sea dragon three hundred meters long, and left with life-threatening injuries."

"I should've pointed this out earlier, but your naming sense is lazy."

"I figured the hero in this world was a lousy swimmer, so he wouldn't go underwater."

"Godly circumstances, I see."

"I took out Leviakun's right eye, too, and we called it a draw, postponing our battle until another day."

"Leviakun sure had a rough time, losing his right eye to an ordinary-looking hermit crab."

"I was washed ashore, on the brink of death, and rescued by my master, Red Salmon, who was sunbathing in a sandbox."

"Was he drying himself in the sun?"

"Red Salmon asked about my past, then revealed his own. He'd once been a man who ranged across the wild seas, but eventually grew weary of that life and went to live with his beloved, swimming together in a river in the mountains."

"That's right. They return to rivers to reproduce."

"But recently, the mountain suddenly collapsed, and the river was buried. That's when he lost his beloved."

"That was the hero's doing, wasn't it? It was because of your sharpness, wasn't it?"

"The two of us began training so we could defeat our hated enemy, Leviakun."

"He heard your story, yet didn't put two and two together? I guess he's just a fish."

"I'll skip the training part. My master passed down his secret technique, the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick, to me with his dying breath."

"That makes two times I've been slow to point something out. That doesn't sound like a technique a fish could come up with. And you skipped over your master's death?"

"Then I fought Leviakun again. My prized claw severed his neck, and I won."

"I wanted you to win with the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick."

"After winning, I safely rescued the Sea God Ractosha and made her my lover."

"The Sea God is pretty deranged to take a hermit crab as her lover, even if he did save her."

"Ractosha and I planned to live happily ever after, but when it came time for her to equip me, a problem arose."

"I appreciate you delicately phrasing it as 'equip.'"

"They're pretty similar, after all: mating and equipping."

"I'll preserve you as a trophy with your innards pulled out."

"The bad ending just got worse."

"So, what was the problem?"

"Because I carried the combined effects of both options, 'Become the hero's strongest weapon' and 'Cursed Weapon,' I had become a dangerous hermit crab that no one but the hero could equip."

"Oh dear. Once again, it was my fault."

"Ractosha grew weaker before my eyes after equipping me, and then she died. I wish we'd at least had a chance to enjoy ourselves once."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that last part."

"I couldn't bring myself to resent you, Goddess-sama. Even knowing how it worked, the hero had set me adrift in the sea, so I decided to resent him instead."

"It was mostly my fault, so thank you for interpreting things in a way that suited you."

"I bid farewell to the sea and set off on a journey to get revenge on the hero, Laitsunbell."

"Most of the sudden turns so far were my fault, but it's been quite a spectacle."

"But I was a hermit crab. I couldn't eat properly on land, so things were difficult at first."

"You suddenly decided to act like an ordinary hermit crab. A little late for that."

"But I avoided starvation by eating wild vegetables that grew in the mountains."

"Your old hobby stayed with you even after you became a hermit crab."

"By the way, this is what I looked like back then."

"Don't snap your fingers and make a monitor appear. You really are an ordinary hermit crab."

"No, look at this claw. Doesn't it look like the perfect shape for cutting wild vegetables?"

"Just keep going. I'm not giving you a chance to redeem yourself."

"I walked across the land, climbed into a horse-drawn carriage, and flew through the sky in a bird's beak, safely crossing the continent."

"You were in danger of being eaten by nature."

"By the way, I had all sorts of encounters and farewells on that journey. Want to hear about them?"

"Let's hear about the ones involving characters who show up later."

"Basically, they all died after equipping me, so I think it's fine to skip them."

"My options caused more trouble than I expected."

"At last, my fateful duel with the hero, Laitsunbell, began."

"A hermit crab's destiny... You really can't defend yourself against that pun anymore."

"Are you trying to make a pun out of 'hermit crab' and 'destiny'?"

"I hate reincarnators who catch on too quickly."

"Anyway, the fierce battle with Laitsunbell continued for three days and three nights."

"The hero held his own surprisingly well, considering you stole ninety percent of his power."

"The fight ended in a draw."

"You stole ninety percent of his power and still couldn't do better than a draw? Aren't you kind of weak?"

"Think about the difference in our size. Obviously a human and a hermit crab can't be evenly matched."

"You beat Leviakun, who was three hundred meters long."

"And the hero used the same secret technique, the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick."

"Why can the hero use Red Salmon's secret technique?"

"It seems our powers got tangled up in some incredible causal chain, and somehow the technique was passed down to both of us."

"It must've been my option, but you're terrible at explaining things."

"Our fists crossed, and we both went down. The two of us laughed together, exhausted, on the grass."

"I demand a diagram of your fists crossing. And once again, you didn't settle it with the secret technique."

"Here it is."

"Whoa, they really are crossed. You weren't lying."

"Why would I lie?"

"But that's a claw."

"Then the two of us made peace, letting everything that had happened in the past flow out to sea."

"You let my comments flow out to sea, too. Poor Ractosha."

"She was floating after she died."

"Shut up."

"Then the hero, Laitsunbell, acknowledged me and entrusted me with the rest of his hero's power."

"He entrusted it to a hermit crab? He must've lost his mind."

"Well, I already had most of the hero's power."

"Because of my option, though."

"But Laitsunbell had completely lost his powers as a hero. He died protecting a small village from an attack by Glassray, Ruler of Purgatory and right-hand man to the Demon King."

"Good, the plot's finally catching up."

"At the time, I was on my way to retrieve the hero's armor from the deepest level of a gigantic dungeon with a thousand floors, which only heroes were said to be able to equip, so I could prove to the world that I was a hero."

"Even if you managed to reach it, you probably couldn't equip it."

"Just as I was struggling with the height restriction at the entrance, I heard the tragic news about Laitsunbell."

"You couldn't even get in."

"Rather than make a name for myself as a hero, I headed to Purgatory to avenge my friend."

"You just couldn't get in."

"Then, with the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick, I atomized Glassray's entire body and made him regret taking Laitsunbell's life."

"You finally used the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick, and what a brutal attack. How are you still alive after the hero used it on you?"

"The way he went out reminded me of my master, Red Salmon."

"Did you use the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick on your master?"

"But I'd abandoned the trial to become a hero right before the end. Because of that, the world wouldn't acknowledge me as a hero."

"I doubt being a hermit crab would've helped, even without that part."

"With no other choice, I decided to rule the sea."

"That's a pretty grand scale for 'no other choice.' It's good to have big ambitions."

"I planned to control the sea routes and charge tolls, making life miserable for the humans who refused to acknowledge me as a hero."

"Almost had it. Give back my praise."

"And then I'd use the toll money I collected to clean up the sea the humans had polluted."

"Hmm, maybe you can keep the praise—no, give it back."

"The sea was divided into seven regions, and to rule them, I had no choice but to fight each region's ruler."

"Not many people would agree to hand over the sea just because a hermit crab asked."

"But with the Purgatorial Blazing Thunderbolt Netherworld Kick, which only the Demon King's rightful successor could use, no one could stand against me."

"So Red Salmon was the Demon King's rightful successor."

"And that's how I became the overlord of the Seven Seas."

"We've finally come full circle. Things went smoothly from there... Did they really?"

"I never lost a battle, basically."

"Come to think of it, you only had two draws. So what problem came up after that?"

"I ruled the Seven Seas at the young age of fifteen, with no rivals. The humans feared my existence and couldn't lay a hand on me, so they paid the tolls."

"That was quite a brutal fifteen years."

"Yes, and then my lifespan ran out."

"Oh, now we've got the ordinary hermit crab part."

※A pet hermit crab has a lifespan of ten to twenty years.

"I never thought I'd just die of old age."

"You were an ordinary hermit crab, after all, apart from that weird hero power."

"So I died with my dream still unfulfilled, and that's why I came back."

"You'd already achieved quite a bit of your dream when you ruled the Seven Seas."

"No woman ever equipped me."

"So it was lust after all. By the way, did you bring me a souvenir?"

"Seven-herb rice porridge, which was supposed to be my last supper."

"You kept up your hobby of gathering wild vegetables, too."

"I used the last of my strength to make this in the other world. If it's good, could you spare me the death penalty?"

"How did you even make this as a hermit crab? ...It's delicious."

"Yes!"

"I never said I'd forgive you."

"Aw, come on."

"But it tastes good, so I'll at least spare you the part where I pull out your innards."

"Yes! Can I really say that counts as a victory?"

"Reflect on what you've done for a while as a taxidermy specimen."

"Oh, if possible, could you preserve me in my hermit crab form?"

"You've grown attached to it? Very well."

"No, I thought it would make for a good angle."

"I'll put you in a box."