Chapter 2
My daily routine is simple.
Stir up trouble on online communities, play games, or go out and get blackout drunk.
In recent months, even drinking had become something I did alone. My whole life had turned into a solo act.
Of course, I ate alone, too.
I browsed a food delivery app.
I like stews and pork cutlets.
I like fried chicken, too, of course, but the price has gone up so much lately that ordering it feels downright presumptuous, so I rarely do.
Out of habit, I opened the Korean and Japanese food categories and browsed the pork cutlets and stews.
But for some reason, I wasn't in the mood for either stew or pork cutlets.
My eyes kept drifting to the malatang and tteokbokki sections.
Malatang, which I'd tried once or twice before and then stopped eating. Tteokbokki, which I'd only eaten because women kept asking me to go with them.
For some reason, just looking at the pictures in those two categories made my mouth water.
I rolled over onto my stomach and looked through the photos for a while. The two lumps on my chest put pressure on my rib cage.
...This won't do.
It felt like my mouth was half full of saliva. I had no choice but to order something.
I deliberated over tteokbokki and malatang for ten-odd minutes, then finally ordered malatang.
I just picked some of the usual ingredients.
"...Hmph."
I buried my face in my pillow and kicked my feet.
Suddenly, I felt good. Even waiting for the delivery was fun.
The food really was delicious.
That feeling of 'deliciousness' seemed amplified; after one bite, my eyes felt clearer.
After that, I practically inhaled the whole bowl.
...Or I tried to.
There was more than I expected.
That's strange. I thought I could finish this much in no time.
Then I remembered that my body had changed, and it made sense.
"...Ugh...?"
But then a sudden pain hit my stomach.
It wasn't even that spicy, was it?
What was this? Something felt off. I got up to check my condition, and...
"...Ah."
A sigh escaped me out loud.
I felt something flowing down there.
My gut told me I was in trouble.
It was a feeling I'd never experienced in my life, with nothing even remotely similar to compare it to.
I pressed my legs together and ran to the bathroom.
I took off my pajama pants and turned them inside out.
...Just as I thought.
I sighed deeply and looked up at the ceiling.
I hate this.
My period.
A physiological occurrence that inevitably comes to every woman.
It had come for me in all its blatant glory.
I took off my pajamas and tossed them into the washing machine, gave myself a quick wash down there, then pulled out another pair of pajamas.
A sanitary pad... I need a sanitary pad.
...Should I buy some?
...But I don't want to go out.
I scratched my head for a moment, then, glancing around as if someone might see, pulled three tissues from the desk and tucked them down there.
Well, wouldn't this work?
The materials are probably similar, anyway.
Once I'd done everything I could to manage the situation, irritation crept back in.
Should I go stir up trouble again?
No, I'd already done that this morning, so I was a little tired of it.
So I turned on a game, another way to relieve stress.
There was no one on my friends list. Playing with friends meant dealing with the skill gap, and this game, Bell, only made me angry in the first place.
I jumped straight into ranked. I don't warm up.
A few stretches are enough to loosen me up anyway.
* *
To cut to the chase, the idea of using tissues as sanitary pads was stupid.
So that's why I'd never heard women say they used tissues as a cheap substitute.
Damp. Damp and sticky. There was more blood than I expected. It was stuck down there. I wanted to change it, but I couldn't while I was in a game.
...I suddenly felt a surge of irritation.
Apparently, I wasn't immune to getting irritated after all.
The discomfort that started down below began to take over my whole body. Soon, heat rose to my head, and my scalp started to sting more and more.
That stinging sensation then traveled from my head through my whole body, like an electric current.
It made me absolutely furious.
- An ally has been slain.
- An ally has been slain.
The two teammates who'd been dying earlier died again.
"Ah, fuck... Seriously..."
A sigh thick with heat slipped out.
I'm annoyed. I'm really annoyed.
Was this normally enough to make me this annoyed? I don't know.
Anyway, I wanted to let it out somehow.
I took my hand off the mouse and moved it to the keyboard.
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Hey, you guys
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Could you stop dying already
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Seriously, I wanna fucking kill you
Yoo Jieun Jieun Jieun Jiyoo: S-sorry...
I might've flamed them more than usual, but I couldn't help it.
I figured it was their fault for upsetting me.
If they didn't like it, they should've been better at the game.
Gae Sareubeobeo Burger Burger: Hey
Gae Sareubeobeo Burger Burger: Why are you talking like that?
Gae Sareubeobeo Burger Burger: Even on the internet, you need to know what you should and shouldn't say.
"Huh."
A snort of laughter escaped me.
The hypocrites I hated most.
"Fucking asshole's picking a fight..."
I muttered and immediately checked their match history.
Yoo Jieun Jieun Jieun Jiyoo
Gae Sareubeobeo Burger Burger
As I thought, those two were queued together.
Now that I'd found something to go after, I should focus my attacks on them.
---
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Fucking disgusting
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: You two matched your usernames like a couple of bitches
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Which one's the man?
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Or are you both cunts? Fucking gross lol
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Which one's top and which one's bottom? lol Oh, wait, women don't have that, do they?
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Think that love of yours is gonna last?
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: It's a contradiction from the start lol Fucking disgusting, rubbing your pussies together
---
My now-delicate fingers kept spewing insults as if nothing had changed.
Then I blocked them right away.
Normally, I'd keep them unblocked and pick a fight, but for some reason, I didn't want to be insulted today.
I kept spouting all kinds of things by myself.
---
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: If you're a girl, how much?
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: I'm in the mood for a threesome
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: I'm tattooed and blond. How do you like that kind of guy?
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: I'm pretty big down there, too
---
Ah, not anymore. Anyway. Wait, is that last part still true?
When the game was over, I quietly unblocked them to see their response.
A reply came in right away.
---
Yoo Jieun Jieun Jieun Jiyoo: Instead of saying stuff like that, please focus on the game...
---
They had pretty thick skin.
As if I'd been waiting for that, I fired off another string of curses.
---
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Yeah, fuck off, you moron
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: I'm done saying my piece, so I'm leaving
Chyeo Juk Juk Chyeo: Go lick each other's pussies with your girlfriend and live happily ever after
---
I felt a little refreshed.
Normally, I'd keep playing, but I really wasn't in the mood right now.
Do all women get like this on their periods?
Everything just turns to shit. I wish the world would end.
I'm annoyed.
I'm so fucking annoyed.
I should go buy some pads.
I'd planned to order them online, but I couldn't stand feeling this uncomfortable until they arrived.
I threw a hoodie over my pajamas and changed the tissues before going out.
The tissues I'd taken out were, as expected, caked with an unpleasant wetness.
"...Ah."
"Huh?"
The first person I ran into as soon as I stepped outside was the man from next door.
We weren't close or anything. We just lived next door, so we'd give each other a nod if we crossed paths.
Even so, you remember your neighbors' faces. It seemed to catch him off guard when someone other than me came out of that place.
"Um... Hello. Are you the girlfriend of that blond student?"
As he said that, the man looked me up and down.
His gaze made my body shrink in on itself.
"No."
"You're not? Then, could you be..."
Suddenly, he looked me up and down again.
A wave of disgust washed over me.
What? What were you going to say?
A fuck buddy?
Could I get your number?
"Ahaha. No, I'm not. See you around~"
With that, the man headed cheerfully toward his front door, as if he'd seen something nice. He punched in the passcode and went inside.
Only after I heard his front door lock, then heard him take off his shoes and walk into his room...
I started cursing.
"...Ah, fuck."
"Fuck. Fuck... Fuck..."
To think I'd be treated like this already just because my body had changed.
I'd realized that men's gazes were more blatant than I'd expected.
For the first time, I felt disgust toward men.
And a little fear, too.
* *
Outside, it wasn't too cold or too hot.
Probably because summer had just begun.
Though I suppose it depends on the person.
I walked as quickly as I could to the nearest convenience store.
I wanted to get rid of this discomfort as soon as possible.
I wondered if wearing a pad would even make a difference.
I turned the corner and saw the convenience store.
I walked over and opened the door.
The clerk's gaze lingered on me longer than before.
I could feel it for sure. Disgust welled up again.
I wandered around, looking for sanitary pads.
But I couldn't find them.
Ah, fuck...
Once again, heat made my head sting.
It was embarrassing to ask, but I had no choice.
Right now, the peace of mind I'd get from dealing with this physical problem mattered more.
"...Excuse me."
My voice filled the convenience store, where only the sound of the fan could be heard.
"...Ah, yes, yes?"
"......San... sanitary pads. Where are they?"
Embarrassment washed over me, making me stumble over my words. I must not have looked weird, right?
"Ah... They're down there, on the lower shelf in the middle."
"...Thank you."
I gave him a quick bow and walked over to where he'd pointed.
Sanitary pads of all kinds were stocked there.
I had no idea what any of them were, even after reading the packages, so I picked one at random and walked over.
...Buying only this felt somehow, somehow embarrassing, so I grabbed a cola too and held them out.
"...Could you ring these up, please?"
"That's 4,500 won."
"Here."
I pulled up the quick-pay screen on my phone and held it out.
The clerk took it and placed it on the card reader.
......
"...It says you don't have enough balance."
...What?
* *
In the end, I put the pads and cola back where they belonged and left.
The discomfort kept irritating me down below.
Not enough balance.
This wasn't just the lament of an ordinary twenty-something.
Not having enough balance meant a lot of different things to me.
My mother's.
Accident insurance payout.
I'd never worked a day in my life.
"......Ah..."
The front door to my apartment. The neighbor's front door was right beside it.
I stared at it blankly.
My lips pressed tightly together.
My eyebrows twitched.
Just... just...
Should I just let the guy next door fuck me?
Should I strip naked right now, knock on the neighbor's door, let him fuck the hell out of me, get a few cigarette burns and tattoos, and crawl around like a whore?
A desire to destroy myself began to swirl through my whole body.
I could do it at any moment. Just like back when I stood alone at an unguarded rooftop door.
...Various thoughts flickered like heat haze over the asphalt, then faded away. I opened the front door and went inside.
Let's sleep. Just...
I don't know if I can sleep with this pain.