Chapter 44
The tremor passes through Hyunwoo's body as he holds me.
No. Actually, I don't know. I can't even be sure whether this trembling is Hyunwoo's.
The fear soaked into the space between us, spreading in every direction—is it mine? Or Hyunwoo's?
What I do know is that it doesn't really matter.
Ever since the moment Hyunwoo held me tight while I trembled with fear deep inside, we've been feeling the same thing.
"......"
Hyunwoo doesn't cry.
He has never once shown me his tears.
As if to boast that he was the strongest, that his blood was made of steel.
As if I'd received a promise of salvation—that he'd stay by my side forever and spend his whole life with me.
It really was no different from religion.
These little gestures—even Hyunwoo's attitude—I took personally, selfishly interpreting everything entirely to my own advantage.
I projected onto Hyunwoo the ideal of someone seemingly beyond human reach, hoping he might embody the opposite of what I found so hard to bear.
"Hyunwoo, are you crying...?"
Hyunwoo is crying.
I couldn't see his face because he had his head tilted up, but...
The clear droplets running down his cheek and along his neck couldn't possibly be sweat.
"What are you talking about...? You're the one who was crying. My neck just hurts from looking down at you the whole time."
Even so, Hyunwoo lies.
Hyunwoo, who wants to remain my divine being... my savior, to the very end.
It was an impossible expectation. The wall of reality had been far too high from the start.
The gentle Hyunwoo had only been meddling, keeping me alive to fill the emptiness inside me.
Because he couldn't stand watching his friend suffer like that and drift away from the world.
And so, he'd taken it upon himself to do something that was already beyond his abilities.
It was impossible for him to monitor my mood, understand my thoughts, and take care of me perfectly in every way. That was beyond the realm of human capability.
Hyunwoo was just a simple, foolish... far-too-kind pushover who hated hearing things like that.
Hyunwoo had said he didn't care about other people, and that he wouldn't help unless he'd weighed everything up and found it beneficial.
Maybe that, too, had been a mask born of his weariness with his own selfless attitude.
If Hyunwoo really had been that selfish from the start...
At the very least, he wouldn't be trying to save, protect, and understand me like this now.
...And he wouldn't be crying, either.
"Hngh... Uuuh... Waaaah...!"
I'd already cried all I could.
No matter how sensitive this body is, I couldn't have any feelings left to spend after crying, grieving, and suffering that much.
Even so, I force my dried-up tears out and keep pretending to cry.
To remain my strong, all-knowing savior.
If that's what Hyunwoo wants, then I have to understand it.
I have to play along completely. As a believer, a lamb who needs Hyunwoo's protection.
Because a savior, when no one believes in him, loses his very essence and ends up changing or crumbling.
Though I believe that only my body has grown smaller and my basic judgment has grown cloudy, while I myself haven't changed...
Even so, right now, clinging to Hyunwoo like a lost child is the right answer for him, too.
"......Ha."
Hyunwoo lets out a short sigh and draws me deeper into his arms.
His embrace is softer and warmer than any bed.
It's like lying on a huge bed, bathed in warm sunlight that somehow doesn't hurt my eyes, gently fanned and tucked beneath a fluffy blanket.
This reality is more fantastical than any dream I've had until now.
Maybe even this sensation is nothing more than an illusion conjured by my hopes and overlaid onto my brain.
Even so, I want to define this as reality and believe in it.
Because that might be our defense against each other falling apart.
Two defective things, already so broken that neither of us can hold ourselves together without support.
Fitting together like this, one relying on the other and the other being relied on, we'll become something important to each other.
It was absurd.
Unlike me, broken by selfishness and emptiness, Hyunwoo needed me because his kind, pure nature had broken him.
Even though he had nothing to gain from saving me, he hadn't turned away.
"Minseo. Don't cry. It makes me sad too..."
"Hngh... Hyunwoo..."
That's why I like you.
This feeling surely isn't one between ordinary friends.
But it probably isn't the feeling that represents the strongest affection one feels for someone as a romantic interest, either.
What would be the right way to define this heart?
"I was scared... Suddenly I couldn't see, and all I could see was something flickering red... I called out, but you didn't answer."
I don't know. There's no way I could know.
This feeling must be a new kind of feeling, something I've never experienced before.
It was a mysterious torrent of emotion meant only for Hyunwoo. I didn't want to feel it for anyone else.
It glittered and glowed beautifully, like a gorgeous galaxy that had poured out once and spread too far to ever be gathered back up.
Too sweet to call friendship, yet too brilliant—and at the same time, too hazy—to call love.
A fleeting thing, like a beautiful star hung in the sky, unreachable, yet enough to make my heart ache just by thinking of it.
If the sun represents a blazing friendship, and the moon represents two people understanding each other coolly and seeping into one another...
What could we call our relationship, woven together from countless clusters of stars?
"I'm right here beside you now. It's okay. You don't have to be afraid."
So, to get to know these feelings slowly, one by one, I respond in kind to the way Hyunwoo first approached me and watch how he reacts.
"Hyunwoo... You're tall, really handsome... Your arms are warm, and you seem kind, too."
First, a compliment. I return the words he'd given me, telling me I was cute and that he needed me.
"W-What... Why all of a sudden...?"
"Thank you... for saving me. For keeping me alive..."
"......Why are you bringing that up now?"
Hyunwoo tries to brush it off, sounding a little flustered and embarrassed, but...
When Hyunwoo said things like that to me, I hadn't thought anything of it.
So he probably doesn't know how reassured and moved I was by his little words, actions, and promises.
Hyunwoo was always the one apologizing, but I was so indebted to him that even a single apology from him hurt to hear.
It was a somewhat underhanded and forceful approach, but I thought it was necessary for Hyunwoo to understand me.
"...Could you lean down for a second?"
ㅡ Smack.
Next, a kiss. Though I wasn't sure this was something Hyunwoo had actually given me...
When I was exhausted and had collapsed. At the time my heart had felt emptiest.
In my hazy memories, I saw Hyunwoo kissing me.
"...?"
As expected, Hyunwoo jumps in surprise and looks flustered.
But he doesn't push me away or try to get away from me.
The way he just holds me tighter, seeming to try to understand me, is so cute and lovable that...
"Hehe..."
I smiled.
I couldn't use my hands, so the few tears that remained must have been clinging to the corners of my eyes, unable to fall.
But I was happy.
I wanted to return the specialness Hyunwoo had given me, and make him realize that my savior, too, was such a wondrous and gracious presence.
I don't know what changed in me.
If it were the usual me, I wouldn't even have thought of doing this. I would have shown my resistance.
But for some reason, it felt possible now.
"Minseo... Do you know how strange you're being right now? What's going on? Are you having a hard time? I'm sorry. I..."
"No..."
Hyunwoo didn't understand, perhaps because this situation felt so unfamiliar and sudden to him.
No, maybe he simply didn't want to understand.
If the Hyunwoo I'd seen all this time really was the real Hyunwoo...
Then he must be scared right now.
Thinking it was all his fault, that I was crying like this because he hadn't paid enough attention to me.
So I needed to prove something enough to dispel that misunderstanding.
Even if it meant shedding my own embarrassment.
Hyunwoo was no longer someone else to me.
He was truly 'my person.' Just as I was Hyunwoo's.
"I just... suddenly wanted to say this today. Thank you. Thanks to you, I can keep living."
In the end, I might be a coward, leaning on this unusual situation to offer him my feelings.
Even if our positions were reversed, I wouldn't have been able to resist this atmosphere.
Because I'm so selfish and ugly... I can put my full trust in Hyunwoo and entrust myself to him.
"Hyunwoo, it's not your fault... I'm the bad one. I broke my promise and went out to die... and this time, I was trying to sneak out again and collapsed..."
"Hey...! That's because I..."
"Listen."
I desperately cover Hyunwoo's mouth with my tiny hands.
Though they don't cover it completely, and it seems like anything he says could slip through, Hyunwoo waits.
"Honestly, ours isn't an ordinary relationship... We're at the point where it's hard to just call ourselves friends. You're special to me."
So... I had to say it.
Even if I couldn't say anything beyond this, at least this had to come from my own mouth first.
"I love you. That's what I wanted to say."