The Dirt Before the Dungeon

"Wooo! Goddess-sama, you're adorable! Wanna go to karaoke with me?"

'I'm not really into that sort of energy. May I gouge out your throat?'

"That's more than just 'not really.'"

'Please don't get hyped up over solo karaoke in someone else's space.'

"I mean, when you're not around, I'm all alone. If I don't sing, I feel like I'll forget how to use my voice."

'It's true that you can sometimes have trouble getting your voice out if you spend too long alone. But hearing you sing is a nuisance, so just talk back to the TV instead.'

"Oh, and I'd just finished making my own stage, too."

'I was wondering why there were so many things I didn't recognize. You made them yourself? The quality is impressive.'

"I've got experience being furniture, after all."

'Becoming furniture won't improve your carpentry Skills. Besides, you were a door.'

"So this is my hidden talent."

'Come on, hurry up and choose your next destination for reincarnation.'

"You've lost most of your interest in me. Well, time for our usual suggestion box! Looks like a few have come in."

'There should only be the two of us in this space.'

"It's like this is our little love nest."

'It's a prison cell.'

"What could it be? Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa!"

'Your enunciation is mildly unpleasant.'

"Now then, today's letter that will surely make my life smooth sailing and wonderful is..."

'It's bound to be another object, isn't it?'

"From pen name Boo-shan: 'Dirt Before the Dungeon.'"

'You've managed to make yourself completely worthless.'

"I see. So that's the idea."

'I admire your open-mindedness. You can hear someone tell you to become dirt and accept it just like that.'

"I'm the very embodiment of open-mindedness."

'And you'll be the very embodiment of a clod of dirt. Are you really sure about this?'

"I drew the suggestion, so I don't have much choice."

'How can you expect to enjoy your life when you're taking suggestions from people you've never even met?'

"There are all sorts of ways to enjoy life."

'You still have the right to choose. All right, let's set your options.'

"Let's skip the cheat options that let me defeat the hero, like last time. A nice, fair handicap."

'I think being dirt is already far too one-sided a handicap.'

◇

'I will wa-a-ait for you...'

"I'm back. Oh, looks like you're enjoying some solo karaoke."

'You heard me sing, so now I'm going to rip your ears off.'

"Even Hoichi the Earless would be surprised by that reason. If you're going that far, at least let me hear the whole song."

'I refuse. So, I take it being dirt didn't work out?'

"It wasn't bad, but it was missing something decisive."

'I'm amazed you could find that much to appreciate in dirt. Go ahead and tell me what happened.'

"You warned me that the handicap of being dirt would be too harsh, so I splurged and became the dirt outside the world's most difficult dungeon."

'You splurged in entirely the wrong way.'

"The dungeon's called the Great Underground Labyrinth Rohnso, in a remote region."

'Sounds like a convenience store.'

"The Sky Labyrinth Heaven-Eleven was another candidate."

'Sounds like a convenience store.'

"I was supposed to be dirt outside the dungeon, but it felt like my consciousness was spread around the area near the entrance."

'If the area in front of the dungeon had been a desert, you might've been confused by how vast your sense of self was.'

"When I focused, I could concentrate my awareness in a small area. But if I tried to expand it, I could cover about as much space as the Tokyo Dome."

'The Tokyo Dome... That's pretty spacious.'

※46,755 m².

"But if I spread out that far, it took all my effort just to maintain a sense of self. Usually, I moved my awareness around an area about the size of one tatami mat."

'That's small.'

※1.62 m².

"But if I narrowed it down that much, I could clearly feel things like someone stepping on me."

'You're not supposed to have a sense of touch.'

"I added one as an option."

'Giving dirt a sense of touch is pretty hardcore.'

"I didn't have any rocks, though."

'That's not what I meant by hardcore.'

"Guess we have different musical tastes."

'I'd like to break up with you as soon as possible.'

"At first, I was bored because there wasn't much to do. But it had its own charm: I could observe the ecology of the monsters that came out of the dungeon, and watch the adventurers who tried to challenge it."

'Observing the world from a step back, huh? I can understand that. As a goddess, I'm in a similar position.'

"It was especially thrilling when cute girls stepped on me."

'You weren't a step back at all. You were right beneath them. Now I can't understand you.'

"I recommend lamias. They don't just step on you; they crawl over you, so the contact lasts longer and covers more area. Female slimes are similar, but they don't have quite enough warmth for a patch of dirt like me."

'I doubt slimes appreciate being judged like that by a patch of dirt.'

"My vision worked more like spatial awareness, so I couldn't peek up at them from a low angle. That's one regret. I should've added an eyeball option."

'What a shame. I'm sure the adventurers and monsters would've attacked you without hesitation.'

"On a more serious note, the biggest thing I hadn't considered was that not many people visited, since it was the most difficult dungeon in the world."

'It is the world's most difficult dungeon, after all. I suppose people are reluctant to make the trip.'

"I guess being so far from the kingdom was a problem."

'It's not a convenience store.'

"Apparently, the dungeons inside the kingdom were bustling with people."

'It's not a convenience store.'

"Some even had shops that sold all sorts of things around the clock, twenty-four hours a day."

'So it was a convenience store.'

"It was called the Femurimoot Labyrinth, by the way."

'It really was a convenience store.'

"The hero was the store manager."

'So it was a slice-of-life fantasy. Sounds like a peaceful world with little threat from the Demon King.'

"Yeah, the Demon King had set up shop in the Sky Labyrinth Heaven-Eleven."

'That sounds like a world about running a convenience store.'

"The dungeons changed their layouts every year, and rare items respawned, too."

'So it was a roguelike world. The hero should've just worked hard as an adventurer.'

"Your level reset whenever you left a dungeon, so I guess the hero got sick of it."

'They were that faithful to the genre? But in that kind of world, wouldn't you have had a decent number of challengers coming to the dungeon behind you?'

"Well, to reach my dungeon, you had to get through forest and mountain stages first."

'I see. The kind where you have to clear several stages to reach the dungeon. That's a pain. Also, it wasn't your dungeon.'

"The dropped items were great, though. Like a World Tree stem that could even bring the dead back to life."

'It's usually the leaves that do that.'

"The leaves were highly poisonous."

'That's a pretty twisted World Tree.'

"It was a cedar, so it was straight as an arrow."

'That's not what I meant.'

"Next was a Phoenix's eyelash that could even bring the dead back to life."

'Don't its tail feathers have a revival effect?'

"The tail feathers were highly poisonous."

'What a Phoenix.'

"It was an ostrich, so it couldn't fly."

'That's not what I meant.'

"There was also the Kamatari of Vitality, which could even bring the dead back to life."

'What's a Kamatari?'

"A statue of Fujiwara no Kamatari."

※Fujiwara no Kamatari was the man who assassinated Soga no Iruka alongside Prince Naka no Oe and carried out the Taika Reforms. Did you remember him from class?

'Why would they have something like that?'

"Apparently, he reincarnated into that world after he died."

'Fujiwara no Kamatari reincarnated into another world? That's a fun little fact to bring up when gods are chatting.'

"And apparently, he fought a fierce battle as the Demon King against the hero, Prince Naka no Oe."

'His former right-hand man really went and did something awful. Soga no Iruka should've been the one to do that.'

"Come on, it's not like historical figures such as Soga no Iruka would reincarnate in another world."

'That's strange. It looks like two major players in history reincarnated.'

"Anyway, there was an item called the Kamatari of Vitality."

'Was there a Kata○ri of Vitality? Oops, looks like that got censored.'

"The Kata○ri of Vitality was highly poisonous."

'I was hoping for a different punch line by now.'

"There was also a Reaper's Scythe that could even bring the dead back to life."

'Its name and effect don't match. That's fatal for a roguelike. And is that dungeon nothing but revival items?'

"They had other items, but most of the rare ones could be found in the deepest levels of other dungeons."

'So at the final dungeon, you could easily get items that had been useful up to that point? Doesn't sound like a popular dungeon.'

"Still, Rohnso was the only place with an item that could bring the dead back to life. Every now and then, someone would visit to revive a loved one."

'That's true. Revival magic and items can be major elements in a story. In one acquaintance's world, revival magic is taboo, and using it turns you into the Demon King.'

※My 'Syndrome of Wanting to Live Safely Even in Another World' is still ongoing, too. Check it out!

"Oh, the novel that was updated every day, then got overtaken in a week by a comedy novel you started writing for fun?"

'Apparently, the author is pretty bothered by that, so stop bringing it up.'

※While writing this chapter, it was overtaken in total rating and daily page views.

"The adventurers who dove into the dungeon looking for revival items were often defeated inside and driven back out by the monsters."

'The monsters were considerate not to finish them off.'

"They left the items behind, too."

'Then they'd still have a chance of getting the revival items.'

"The revival items were almost all on the lowest floor, so reaching them was difficult."

'The world's a harsh place.'

"The adventurers who lost heart would take some dirt from outside the dungeon home as a souvenir, tears in their eyes."

'Is this Koshien?'

"Some vowed to try again next year, while others burned out, thinking their final adventure was over."

'Is this Koshien?'

"The siren rang out."

'Is this Koshien? Where was the siren coming from?'

"Oh, I added that as an option."

'What a nuisance of a patch of dirt.'

"The monsters gathered at the sound of the siren."

'That's worse than a nuisance!'

"The adventurers were swarmed by monsters and sent back to the previous stage. They looked so pitiful."

'I think I could've stayed moved by their struggles a little longer if you hadn't lured the monsters over.'

"The dungeon was an impenetrable fortress that ordinary adventurers couldn't handle. But then, at last, the hero Naka no Oe Koji rose to the challenge."

'He's supposed to be a descendant, but he still feels like a knockoff.'

"Hero Koji entered the dungeon with the strongest martial artist, the legendary martial artist, and the neighborhood martial artist."

'That's a sloppy party lineup. One of them is on a much smaller scale.'

"By the way, all three martial artists were girls."

'A harem element tacked on at the last minute. The neighborhood martial artist sounds like the closest one, at least.'

"Personally, I liked the feel of the legendary martial artist stepping on me."

'Thanks for that completely unnecessary information.'

"Hero Koji challenged the dungeon to revive his betrothed, a martial artist who'd died in an accident."

'I'm starting to worry about the distribution of Jobs in that world.'

"Hero Koji seemed to be making a triumphant advance, but he struggled in a level full of monsters immune to physical attacks and ended up losing."

'The party balance was the problem.'

"Hero Koji and the heroines hugged each other and cried, vowing to try again next year."

'Is this Koshien? They'll fail again next year unless they change the lineup.'

"Hero Koji and his companions took some dirt from outside the dungeon home as a souvenir for the martial artist who worked part-time."

'Is this Koshien? Come to think of it, the place had a convenience store.'

"The siren rang out."

'You lured the monsters over.'

"Well, they were having such a fulfilling romantic life that I couldn't help wanting to get rid of them."

'So you knew what you were doing.'

"Anyway, a new challenger came to take on the high-difficulty dungeon that had even defeated the hero."

'I can guess, but it'll be the Demon King, won't it?'

"Batting second: Demon King Soga no Saruka."

'Is this Koshien? And where did the Demon King who used to be Fujiwara go?'

"Being the Demon King isn't hereditary."

'So being the hero was hereditary? I can't help feeling like the Fujiwara clan got revenge on the Soga clan.'

"Demon King Saruka came to get a revival item, his store's featured product, to save his business from failing."

'Compared to the hero, his reason is a little more down-to-earth.'

"And he came alone. He'd never had a girlfriend in his life, either."

'You don't have enough kindness to spare him the details.'

"I felt sorry for him, so I cheered him on and told him to do his best."

'A patch of dirt cheered him on? So you could talk.'

"It was an option."

'I figured.'

"Encouraged by me, Demon King Saruka got fired up and challenged the dungeon."

'It's pretty pitiful to be motivated by a patch of dirt cheering you on.'

"But he couldn't solve a puzzle that required two people working together, so he failed to clear the dungeon."

'It was a dungeon that was tough on solo adventurers.'

"Demon King Saruka wept, vowing to try again next year."

'Is this Koshien? He'll never make it unless he finds some companions.'

"Demon King Saruka took some dirt from outside the dungeon home as a souvenir for himself."

'Is this Koshien? I expected him to be single, but it's rough seeing him compared to Hero Koji.'

"The siren rang out."

'You showed no mercy.'

"That one was an accident."

'It's sad that the Demon King got swarmed by monsters because of your accident.'

"I felt the same way, so I quietly slipped a picked-up item into his pocket. It was one of my options."

'The dirt even gave him a parting gift?'

"It was a very valuable item, and he was able to make it his store's featured product."

'This might turn into a nice story. Though, I wonder how valuable an item picked up by dirt could be.'

"The World Tree's leaves, a Phoenix's tail feathers, and the Ka○mari of Vitality."

'Those are highly poisonous!'

"Some time later, I heard through the grapevine that the Demon King's shop in the Sky Labyrinth Heaven-Eleven had closed down."

'The dirt indirectly defeated the Demon King.'

"I have lots of memories of all the adventurers I met, but at last, my final moment came."

'About time.'

"Because every single person took some dirt home, there was finally nowhere left for me."

'You became such a popular souvenir that the whole landscape changed?'

"I was dirt outside the dungeon, but the dirt outside the dungeon disappeared and was paved over with concrete. I had nowhere left to be."

'It was supposed to be in a remote region, but civilization sure reached it.'

"And that's why I came back."

'You spent a good long time there. Couldn't you have been satisfied?'

"Well, most of the time was pretty boring."

'You were dirt, after all.'

"When I was bored, I mostly sang by myself."

'You were doing things that might get you remembered as cursed land.'

"I was alone, so I felt like I'd forget how to use my voice if I didn't sing."

'What is a clod of dirt talking about?'

"But I regretted never getting to sing a duet."

'I doubt anyone would want to sing a duet with dirt.'

"And that's why I came back to sing with you, Goddess-sama."

'I'm a solo-karaoke person, so I'll have to pass.'