Chapter 49
Elves hate washing.
Rather than saying they hate it, though, it would be more accurate to say they've grown accustomed to not washing.
- You can't dirty your soul just to make your body a little cleaner!
- It's actually a hassle.
- It's cold, and I catch colds often...
The elves of old had lived alongside the creatures they called fairies, pests harmful to the World Tree.
They had been taught that not washing was the way to maintain a pure soul.
They had questioned both communing with the World Tree and the act of washing their bodies.
Above all, even without washing, they had the advantage of suffering less discomfort than other races.
[Title: Why Wash Your Hair?]
(Meme of non-greasy hair)
Even without washing, it's clean lol
Or surely there isn't a race whose hair clumps or gets greasy, right?
- The elves are at it again
- Oh, you think you're so great.
- Do elves have a disease where they die if they don't brag about themselves?
ㄴ For real, seems incurable.
As befits a race of outstanding beauty, their appearance stayed above a certain level even without any special care.
I thought they were spouting nonsense about pure souls again, so maybe it was another church, but this was unexpected.
- Don't wash! You'll damage your soul.
ㄴ God-Watcher) Ah, this is a bit much;
ㄴ Lmao, even the elves are rejected by the Church.
ㄴ This isn't easy, you know.
Who would've thought it was the elves, the very epitome of cleanliness.
- Anyway, we're not washing.
ㄴ Right, even Head Mod can't do anything about this.
ㄴ Please respect our choice!
Of course, not all elves were like that.
The self-proclaimed Full-HP Elf faction was at least somewhat reasonable, but there weren't many of them.
The majority stubbornly insisted on not washing.
Amid this chaotic situation, I reached one conclusion.
Head Mod*) Yeah; do whatever you want.
ㄴ Huh?
ㄴ Eek?
ㄴ Head Mod?
“What do I care?”
All I had to do was stop caring.
*
Even when Gallery users occasionally acted like contrarian idiots, I had sometimes helped them while gritting my teeth.
The most notable example was talking a Gallery user out of taking a milk bath with an open wound.
But this time, the situation was different.
“It's not life-or-death, so whatever.”
It would only be uncomfortable for them if they didn't wash. How was that my problem?
I had no intention of forcing them to wash, either, so I stopped worrying about the elves.
And the Gallery was too busy with the new bathing culture to care one way or another.
- Why did I only learn about this now?
- Warning) My first time washing...jpg
- Aaaagh, fuck, this was my body?
- Who would have thought I'd bathe in water this clean?
- Love you, you Head Mod bastard.
If you'd lived without knowing cleanliness, that was one thing.
But the moment you learned about it, there was no end to cleanliness.
- Ah; my scalp is so damn itchy.
- Is my hair a fucking broom?
- There were this many lice in my hair? How the hell did I survive until now?
Those who discovered the refreshing, fluffy feeling of a bath sank even deeper.
The itching they had previously tolerated became unbearable.
The worst offenders, in particular, were dandruff and lice.
And humans weren't elves, so greasy hair naturally became another concern.
[Title: Hahahaha Fuck You All Die]
(Meme of boiling bathwater)
(Meme of someone gripping supports with both arms and dunking their head into it)
Hair lice? Dandruff? Fuck, don't get cocky.
How are you guys going to live now lol
- Lmaoooo, this guy's insane.
- This bastard is serious lol.
- For real, I want to kill all these damn lice.
ㄴ It's fucking hard even to pronounce, shit; these bastards are fucking annoying.
And just as posts growing crazier started appearing one after another!
“Now's the time!”
I realized the time had come and took out the items I had bought from the marketplace in advance.
But I had no intention of putting them on sale right away.
First, I needed advertising models who could serve as good ambassadors for the product.
[Moderator Chat]
Head Mod*: Assemble.
Full-HP Elf: Assemble!
Vampire Till I Die: What's up?
Head Mod*: (Cool Shampoo meme)
Head Mod*: Give it a try.
Vampire Till I Die: What is it?
Full-HP Elf: What's this?
First, I handed out shampoo to the junior mods.
[You have invited ‘Queen of Tuna Cans’.]
Head Mod*: Lmaoooo, that username lol
Queen of Tuna Cans: ㅇ‘‘ㅍ’’o ???
Queen of Tuna Cans: Whose fault do you think all this is!
Head Mod*: Lmaoooo
Queen of Tuna Cans: ... I want to leave.
(Head Mod has offered Cool Shampoo!)
Queen of Tuna Cans: ㅇ︿ㅇ?
Head Mod*: Use it and post a review, yeah.
Secondly, I sent it to the fallen noblewoman—or rather, Queen of Tuna Cans—whom I felt a little sorry for personally.
“Shall we wait and see how it turns out.”
I had been lying in bed anyway, but I shifted into an even more comfortable position and smiled.
*
“Aaaah.”
Inside an office somewhere in the Kingdom of Eladrien.
“Aaaah.”
Along with an incomprehensible trembling voice, one person—or rather, one elf—was intoxicated by bliss.
Eliana, the elf knight commander and a junior mod, was there, her eyes half-lidded and her body limp.
“This feeling of my head turning cool... this is insane...”
While tucked snugly into a folding round bathtub and washing her hair with shampoo,
It was enough to make her wonder if this was the paradise the elves talked about.
No, how could such a product exist?
“This is like...”
Wasn't this the kind of product that could only emerge after someone spent centuries, beyond the concerns of survival, pondering how to live more happily?
It was already her second bath.
Eliana, her hair covered in bubbling shampoo, simply dunked herself into the tub.
Then she got dressed and finished with a bottle of Dew.
“Kyaa! Nothing beats Dew to finish it off!”
Today, she could slack off!
Because that rare day off had come to Eliana, too.
“I love you, Head Mod!”
She stepped into the street in silk casualwear, her steps light.
“I-I want a drink...”
“I want to go home...”
And there were the slaves to work and duty who caught her eye.
As she took in those elves, Eliana was just about to feel a happiness bordering on pleasure once more.
“Hmm, Commander?”
“Mellang?”
Among the zombie-like elves, a deputy commander with striking silver hair and bleary eyes approached.
Of course, Mellang was off duty as well.
“What is it? You seem... a little different.”
“Huh?”
“How should I put it...? You seem a little more radiant...”
Mellang soon found the reason.
That utterly incomparable, glossy hair.
Even when she ran her hand through it out of curiosity, it was smooth as silk, without the slightest snag.
“W-What is it?”
Mellang froze, even letting go of the cola in her hand.
Actually, the other elves had felt something similar since a little earlier.
Few elves had dry, coarse hair, but hair that superb was rare as well.
Naturally, passing elves couldn't help being curious while pretending not to be.
‘Did she get something good somewhere?’
‘Did she receive another new gift from the World Tree?’
But the elves' hopes were crushed in an instant.
“Oh, this? I traded for it with the Head Mod.”
“What?!”
“Ah, I, I just happened to, yeah. The trade just happened to go through!”
In her eagerness to brag, she nearly gave away that she was a junior mod by slipping into the -eyo speech style for a moment.
The elves weren't interested in that.
“It was the Head Mod's item?”
“Ah...”
Of all things, it had to be the Head Mod's item.
And an item they themselves had stepped forward to insist they didn't need.
*
Head Mod*: How is it? Did it work?
Queen of Tuna Cans: (Meme of nobles in awe)
Queen of Tuna Cans: (Meme of someone bribing people with tuna cans)
Queen of Tuna Cans: Don't even ask. Good heavens, do you know how many people have asked me about it?
Head Mod*: Sry, was it a lot of trouble?
Queen of Tuna Cans: Of course, the product itself was flawless beyond all that. Thank you so much for giving it to me ㅇvㅇb
The effects were perfect, needless to say.
Evelyn said people had asked so often it was annoying, so its popularity was obvious.
Vampire Till I Die: Why am I not being asked?
Head Mod*: You're alone, though.
Vampire Till I Die: Still.
Head Mod*: How was it?
Vampire Till I Die: Very satisfied. They say it's the best.
(Meme of a thumbs-up left hand peeking out)
(Meme of a right hand spread open in surprise)
The same went for Vampire Till I Die.
I wasn't curious, but it was quite something to receive the approval of both her left and right hands.
Now that was truly moving.
As for Full-HP Elf... never mind.
Just as I was about to skip over it, a message came through.
Full-HP Elf: First off, I'm a ‘young’ elf who likes washing and really loves bathing.
Full-HP Elf: The shampoo was extremely satisfying, and all the elves around me asked about it too.
Head Mod*: They haven't asked you yet, though?
Full-HP Elf: I just felt a little weird, that's all.
Even the sharp-eyed elf junior mod had joined in.
If even elven society, which supposedly hated washing, was like this, that said it all.
In reality, the Gallery was ablaze with shampoo discourse.
- So what the hell is this shampoo, Head Mod?
- I'm expecting at least 1,000 Mana Dumplings, yeah.
ㄴ No shame? It should be at least 5,000.
ㄴ No artificial perfume smell, it feels natural, and it leaves your hair feeling refreshed?
ㄴ For real, that says it all.
ㄴ I haven't said it all yet, fuck. Do you know how much I spend on perfume every month trying to get rid of the smell?
ㄴ ???
More than anything, nobles were famous for dousing themselves in strong perfume to hide the smell of their hair.
But Evelyn had shown them firsthand.
Their hair could look good and feel fresh, while even the scent was far more natural than perfume.
- Take my money, Head Mod!!!
- Just sell it, I'll buy as much as I can, please!!!
The response was explosive, as expected.
“At this point, I can list it on the marketplace.”
Having proven its popularity, I was just about to list it.
- Personally, I think the marketplace is the right place if you're going to sell it.
Everyone should be able to buy it fairly, shouldn't they?
ㄴ ...Hmm.
ㄴ This guy's way of talking is kind of weird.
ㄴ Let's see your Gallery log.
ㄴ Lmao, got caught pretending to be human, elf?
ㄴ Go back to your temple and take good care of your souls, ahahaha.
I withdrew my decision just before registering it.
“Something about this rubs me the wrong way.”
If I put it on the marketplace, everyone could buy it.
Including every elf who had threatened us despite no one asking, insisting they wouldn't wash.
They said whatever they wanted to my face, then came back to secretly buy it?
I stopped the upload and wrote a new announcement.
[Announcement: It's me lol]
Author: Head Mod*
We've had lots of requests to sell shampoo.
So I actually prepared a supply.
(Several kinds of shampoo, including Cool Shampoo)
But if I sell it like this, elves can buy it too, can't they?
What if elves who hate cleanliness [accidentally] [buy] shampoo?
So I decided to change the sales method.
(Meme of the barter board)
Post a selfie with your ears visible on the board.
If you prove you're not an elf, I'll sell it to you lol
[Recommendations9999+] [Dislikes1425]
- Kyaa lol, this is it.
- The elves who were spouting nonsense are cut! Lmaoooo
- That hits the spot lol
- This is what I'm talking about~
- (Elf emote warping violently)
- Lol, our elves don't need anything like that, okay?
ㄴ Don't cry, don't cry, tell us lol
ㄴ Yeah~ Never wash your hair for the rest of your life lol
ㄴ We'll be the only ones enjoying it lol
ㄴ You? You've got talent. Keep guarding the stock and live dirty by yourself.
ㄴ It's so dirty and petty that I won't use it. Humans have done plenty wrong too, but the Head Mod always hates only us, calls us elf supremacists, and what even is an elf sympathizer supposed to mean—a spy? I want to use shampoo too and have shiny, fresh hair, but I hate you so much, Head Mod. I really hate you.
ㄴ Lmaoooooooo
I decided to sell shampoo to everyone except elves.