Magical Girl Black (Yoo Seo-ah)

Several days had passed since that day.

The monsters kept appearing, practically every day.

Every time, I went out and killed them.

Every time, I had to feel my mind being whittled away.

Today, too, I went out as usual and killed a monster.

Since it was a monster based on an animal with a hide too tough for blades, I beat it to death after pounding it until it was a pulp.

As a result, I ended up covered in blood from head to toe.

"Urk…!"

I dry-heaved several times while flying through the sky.

I staggered as quickly as I could toward the deeper part of an alley where no one was around.

"Ugh, uweeek…!"

The moment I confirmed no one was watching, I canceled my transformation.

The reek of blood made my stomach twist.

I staggered onward, then dropped to my knees and began emptying my stomach.

As my transformation faded, the colors drained from the world.

Everything in the world seemed to burn away except the bright-red blood I'd vomited, which covered my entire body.

Like ashes left after burning, grayness covered the entire world.

Several days had passed since the angel disappeared.

As Myo-a had said, I was falling apart.

The warmth and hope I'd craved so desperately had become poison.

Old emotions that had been stuck in one corner of my heart began to stir.

The scab over a wound that had only just begun to heal fell away, and the wound opened once more.

'Don't think about it…! I mustn't think about it…!'

A memory I'd only just managed to forget.

Feelings I'd only just gotten used to again…!

Resentment, sadness, loneliness, pain, and every other emotion I'd barely managed to forget swirled inside me.

The human emotions I'd recalled because of a mere day's warmth came rushing over me.

"Haa…. Haa…."

While panting with both hands on the ground, the blood covering my body ran down my face and into my mouth.

I squeezed my eyes shut at the unbearably nauseating stench and revolting taste.

"Hauw…! Uweeek!"

I tried to endure it.

I tried to bear it.

Someday, I'd see the light.

This suffering must be a thorny stepping stone toward the happiness that would come someday.

Just as a sprout breaks through the cold winter wind and snow.

Once this loneliness and suffering ended, I would be able to smile like everyone else, wouldn't I?

I was a magical girl.

I could overcome this, too.

That's what I thought.

That's what I had believed.

A day, two days, a month, and a year passed, yet nothing got better.

The more people or things I killed, the more people cheered when they looked at me.

—Thank you, Black!

—Gnh…! The strongest magical girl ever!! Black is the best!!

—Waaaah! Black is the best!!

Even after killing and killing, then washing and washing, until the smell of blood became ingrained in my body, it still wouldn't go away.

People still cheered for me and showered me with praise.

As if they couldn't care less about the guilt I carried on my back, they cheered and rejoiced over nothing but what they could see on the surface.

No one understood my pain, and no one could understand it.

The weight of the guilt I alone had to carry grew heavier with every passing day.

People cheered and rejoiced at the mountain of corpses I carried on my back, placing their hope and expectations upon it.

Don't do that. It's too much. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't.

All I could do was swallow the emotions that were rotting inside me because I couldn't let them out.

I wanted to give up, but I couldn't do that, either.

―I wanna be a suuuper strong magical girl like you, Big Sis!

If I didn't walk this path, someone younger than me,

someone weaker than me, would have to shoulder this burden.

So I gritted my teeth and endured it, again and again.

Until I became accustomed to it, until I became numb.

But it was impossible to become accustomed or numb to the act of killing something.

I was merely worn down and whittled away by the pain that kept repeating.

—Ms. Seo-ah!

I hadn't become accustomed to it. I had merely been looking away from my emotions.

I hadn't become numb. I had only rationalized it by telling myself it couldn't be helped.

Experiencing the same thing repeatedly doesn't make you accustomed to it or numb to it.

After repeatedly enduring and bearing it, it simply becomes a routine, and you mistake that for having changed.

As proof, look at the state I'm in now.

All because I'd tasted a mere day, a mere night's worth of warmth, I had fallen apart this badly.

I'm a mess.

"Uweeek!! Kheugh, khek…! Urk, uweeek!!"

It hurts.

It feels as if my chest is being torn apart.

I thought I'd finally become numb….

I thought life had finally become somewhat bearable….

'I hate this….'

I want to quit these painful things and live an ordinary life,

to spend time with friends like everyone else, laughing and chatting.

I want to see Mom. I want to talk to Dad.

At the very least, I want to put down this guilt, this terrible karma of killing living things.

"I don't want this anymore…."

I knew.

I realized it.

I had opened Pandora's box, the box a magical girl must never open if she wanted to remain a magical girl.

Because we're beings meant to give hope, we're not allowed to have hope.

If I harbor hope, that means I'm making the hope I should be giving to others my own.

Because hope isn't infinite.

Because love isn't infinite.

That's why someone has to step forward and sacrifice themselves.

That's what we magical girls exist for.

"I don't want to lose anyone again…."

I'm a magical girl.

Tap, drip….

It was pouring.

Rain poured from the sky, not from my eyes.

The rain wet my head, then ran down my face.

Rain mixed with the monster's blood became bloody tears as it fell to the ground.

As expected, no tears came.

Was the world telling me that even a magical girl wasn't allowed to cry?

That I had to smile every time, say that everything was fine, and show everyone only happiness….

"That's too cruel…."

What kind of miserable life was this, anyway?

What kind of world didn't even let me cry as I pleased?

In a world like this, I might as well die――…

"Ms. Seo-ah."

I flinched at the voice from above my head and raised it.

An angel holding an umbrella was descending toward me.

It was the angel who hadn't shown so much as the tip of her nose all this time.

She was the angel I'd wanted so desperately to see, but when she appeared before my eyes, absurdly enough, resentment came before joy.

You've made me like this.

The warmth you shared with me broke me.

Words blaming her circled around inside my mouth.

After biting my lip until it bled and holding it in with all my might, the words I finally managed to force out were—

"…Why are you here?"

"Because I heard you suffering."

That's cowardly.

Why say that now?

If you were going to come, you should have come sooner.

Why now….

"You know that's not what I'm asking. Why did you come here?"

"It suddenly started raining. I was worried you might be out here getting rained on."

At her calm answer, I clenched my fist without realizing it.

Even though I knew I shouldn't, I could only resent the angel before me.

'No.'

If I got angry here, I'd only be taking my emotions out on an innocent person because I couldn't control them.

Endure it. I told myself to endure it.

"Are you all right?"

Thanks to the umbrella the angel held out, the rain pouring down over my head stopped.

It was only an umbrella, yet simply being handed one made the warmth I'd only just managed to vomit up seem to cover my body again, and I bit my lip.

Drip…. Drip….

"You'll catch cold if you stay like this. Let's go home first――"

The angel reached out a hand.

Warmth drew near.

The warmth that had made me this way.

The culprit that had forced me to look back at my wounds.

Smack!

"Ow…!"

"…Get away!"

"M-Ms. Seo-ah?"

I ground my teeth at the angel's expression, as if she had no idea what was wrong.

Who had made me like this? Who…!

"Seo-ah――"

"Don't call my name!! We're hardly acquainted! How dare you call my name so casually…!! Who do you think you are!!"

Old emotions burst forth.

Blood flowed from a wound that had festered until it rotted.

"Who…. Who asked you to do this for me…!! You don't know anything about what I'm worried about or why I'm suffering, yet you stick your nose in and only confuse me with your pointless meddling…!! I was fine!! I didn't need help!!"

If only I'd kept forgetting, I wouldn't have had to hurt like this.

Like the wolf that died by my hand, I could have resigned myself to the belief that my life would be gray forever and lived that way.

I could have lived a life that stripped away all the hope I had and all the hope I might ever hold….

I could have continued living as a magical girl….

"It's all your fault…! You ruined everything…! You ruined it all…!! Why, why now…!"

Tears poured out.

Resentment and hatred poured out.

"If only it weren't for you…!! If only it weren't for you…. I wouldn't have had to hurt like this…!! I could have kept living as a magical girl!!"

I picked up the filth on the ground and threw it.

I hurled whatever I could grab, however I could, spitting out every cruel word that came to mind.

"Get out! I said get out!! If you're just going to disappear like that again, then disappear from in front of me!! Get out of my sight!!"

Words bristling with thorns like a hedgehog's quills pierced the angel.

But even as the filth hit her, the angel approached me without reacting.

"Why, why are you coming closer…! I said don't come…!!"

The angel came right up to me, casually stepped on the filth I'd vomited at her feet, and stroked my face.

Warmth spread from the place on my face where she touched me.

"I'm sorry. For leaving without a word."

The angel said that and wiped the blood from my face.

They wiped away the blood…?

"You said you didn't need my help and called it meddling, so I left for a while. I left believing Ms. Seo-ah would be all right on her own, but I suppose I was mistaken."

"Don't pretend you understand…."

"It must have been hard, wasn't it? Fighting every day until you're covered in blood, while no one notices. Living a life where you have to kill someone."

"How could you know…."

"I can see you buried beneath a mountain of corpses. I can hear the voice crushed by guilt, crying out for help. I can see the tears you shed because no one understands you."

My one and only confidante.

The one person who could understand me.

That knowledge struck my heart.

I was so happy about it, but at the same time, I resented the angel.

"If you could see all that, you should have told me from the beginning…!! Why disappear without a word and only show up now…!!"

Did you do this to deceive me? Did you do it deliberately so you could watch me suffer?

Shouting, I pounded my fists against the angel's chest.

These were the fists of the magical girl hailed as the strongest.

There was no way it didn't hurt.

Even though I pounded her hard enough to make thudding sounds, the angel hugged me tightly without showing any sign of pain.

"I thought you'd recoil if I approached you knowing everything about you. That's why I initially asked you to meet and talk with me, too."

The realization that even that had been an act of consideration for me broke the last thorn that remained.

My resolve as a magical girl snapped.

Tears flowed from eyes I had thought had long since dried up.

From my eyes, not the sky, tears flowed instead of rain.

"Sob, waaahhh!!"

"It's okay to cry. Cry as much as you want. I'll take it all."

The angel's soft wings sheltered me.

The person here now wasn't Magical Girl Black, but one human being named Yoo Seo-ah.

I cried in the angel's arms for a long while.

I poured out all my resentment and anguish, my loneliness and remorse.

Until I simply felt relieved.

Until no more tears came.

The rain wouldn't stop beneath a sky gone completely clear.