Chapter 7
On my snow-white wrist, a dark scab stood out in stark contrast, stretching a handspan along it like a barcode.
"What is this, Ihyeon?"
I swallowed hard.
I’d been careless.
I used to cover it with long sleeves or wristbands.
But I hadn’t gone out in months, and my guard had dropped. That was what did me in.
I needed to change the subject, somehow.
Moon Ihyeon and Song Chaeyeon had only just met, so maybe if I showed her I wanted to change the subject, she’d back off.
I forced a smile and answered.
"I-It was just something I tried out of curiosity. Anyway, you said you were leaving, right? I’ll walk you out. Haha..."
But Song Chaeyeon just stared at me as I said that.
Her gaze swept over me as if it could see right through me. Then, as though she’d found something...
Her face crumpled like paper twisting and blackening in flames.
"...Ihyeon. Let me take a quick look."
As she spoke, she stepped closer to me
and rolled up the short sleeve that barely covered my upper arm.
"Ah..."
I reflexively tried to stop her, but my weakened muscles were no match for her sturdy arm.
And there it was: my upper arm, slashed over and over.
A thick, staircase-shaped scab ran across my deltoid, heavier than the other scars.
The cuts had been made with a kitchen knife, not a box cutter.
Unlike the ones on my wrist, these were ugly wounds that might never heal.
Song Chaeyeon’s expression hardened, now matching her changed appearance, so different from before.
She looked at me and spoke.
"Did you do all this by yourself?"
"......"
"Phew... No, there’s no way that person did something like this..."
After saying that, Song Chaeyeon took off her cap and ran a hand through her hair as if she were hot.
Then she looked back at me.
"Ihyeon."
She held both my arms
and gazed steadily at me.
Her brown eyes seemed to hold a whirlwind inside them.
The kind eyes I hadn’t seen in years.
Those kind eyes from our boyhood.
She spoke very slowly, as if turning the words over in her mind.
"......Are you, by any chance, thinking of hurting yourself?"
"......"
No.
I wanted to say that,
but I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth.
Why?
Did I want to accept some pathetic help now, after all?
You, who belong in the gutter?
She watched me sit there with my lips pressed tightly shut, saying nothing,
then grabbed my wrist and dragged me somewhere.
"W-wait. What are you—"
But I was far too weak to match her strength. Unable to put up any real resistance, I was dragged along.
"Let’s go out."
She said it in a hoarse voice.
"Let’s just go out for now."
"......"
At her forceful words,
a sudden wave of emotion surged up in me.
My frail new body, which wouldn’t do what I wanted,
the increasingly emotional person I’d become lately for some reason,
and Song Chaeyeon, who insisted on getting her own way—all of it sparked a fiery anger in me.
...Suddenly, I was annoyed.
This feeling was the same bewilderingly intense anger
or resentment I felt toward people online who acted all modest and self-effacing.
"Why..."
Why now?
I swallowed those words, knowing that even if I said them in this changed body, she wouldn’t understand.
It was true that I’d pushed everyone away in high school,
but if she was going to look at me this late, she should’ve turned around without looking at all.
Muttering that unreasonable, contradictory thought to myself,
I let my anger grow.
"...Ihyeon?"
But sadly,
I didn’t have the resolve to turn away from her pained expression, one I’d secretly missed while holed up alone at home.
When I lowered my head and stopped resisting, Song Chaeyeon led me outside.
* *
The sky was glowing with the evening sunset.
The closer the sky was to the sun, the deeper the red; the farther away it was, the darker it grew into navy, like the tail of a comet.
Come to think of it, I hadn’t been out since becoming a woman.
Though I’d barely gone out for months even before that, so it wasn’t all that surprising.
We walked in silence for several minutes.
I didn’t know where we were going. I just followed her as she led me along.
Then Song Chaeyeon stopped and gazed at the sunset with me.
Under the streetlight, her eyes fixed on the unmistakable outline of my breasts beneath my shirt.
Song Chaeyeon was visibly startled and quickly covered me with her whole body, as if embracing me.
"O-oh, I’m sorry, Ihyeon. I forgot to tell you to put one on before we came out."
Even though I’d only been a woman for a short time, I could tell what she meant when she looked at me.
I told her the truth.
"Ah, I don’t have one."
"What?"
"I-I don’t have any. Not a single one."
"You don’t have a bra at all?"
She stared at me in shock, then looked up at the sky with anger in her expression.
"Seriously..."
She sighed, then looked at me gently again and said,
"...Your brother didn’t make sure you had one?"
"......I told him not to worry about it."
"...Ah... Still, even so..."
Song Chaeyeon let out a long sigh, looking dazed,
then held me almost as if embracing me, her breathing unsteady for a moment,
before saying,
"Ah, seriously. What am I supposed to do...?"
She seemed to suffer on other people’s behalf to a startling degree.
Even though I hadn’t meant to cause this, I felt bad making her worry so much. Maybe because of her family situation, she was always looking after those around her, so I spoke up.
"Um, I’m really fine. It hasn’t been uncomfortable so far..."
"Ihyeon... No, that’s not the point..."
She looked as if she might cry now, and hugged me tightly.
Her warm body heat passed through her tracksuit to me.
For some reason, I felt a little more at ease.
"Here, put this on for now, okay? Sorry, it’s a little big. Is that all right?"
"Ah, yes..."
Song Chaeyeon immediately slipped off her black tracksuit top and put it on me.
She was wearing a tight black shirt underneath.
...Other parts of her had grown quite a lot, too.
After putting the tracksuit on me, Song Chaeyeon zipped it firmly all the way up to my neck.
It smelled warm, like her.
"Sorry, I just came from working out. Does it smell?"
She asked awkwardly.
"N-no, not at all."
"That’s good, then. Tell me if it’s uncomfortable, okay?"
"Yes."
* *
We walked like that for a while.
It didn’t feel like the right time to talk, so I kept my mouth shut and walked along holding her hand.
A few minutes passed like that before she spoke.
"You think I’m being a little meddlesome, don’t you?"
"N-no."
She’d asked about the very thing I’d been wondering about, and I flinched a little.
"I’m still young myself, but whenever I see someone younger than me... I can’t help thinking of my younger siblings. Especially when I look at you."
"And maybe because I’ve always paid more attention to the people behind me than those ahead, I can tell."
Song Chaeyeon spoke, looking down at me with pity.
"When someone’s secretly holding on by a thread, or secretly feeling lonely."
For some reason, I felt embarrassed and annoyed, and the words jumped out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"That’s not—"
But I couldn’t finish what I was saying.
Song Chaeyeon’s hand, as if to tell me I didn’t have to say anything more,
tightened ever so slightly around mine.
I quietly felt the warmth of her hand.
I missed that warmth.
Though I didn’t want to admit it.
I didn’t think her kindness was a bad thing.
Then I suddenly remembered something and asked,
"By the way, where are we going?"
"Well, we’d already come out, and I just decided a moment ago."
"Decided what?"
"We’re going to buy you a bra."
"...What?"
* *
"W-wait! I’ll... I’ll measure myself! So..."
"There’s no need to be embarrassed. Hehe..."
At a lingerie shop in a department store, I was struggling with an employee.
But I had less muscle and a thinner frame than the average-built woman in front of me, so it wasn’t really a struggle so much as her dragging me along.
Song Chaeyeon said she’d buy me underwear, and dragged me all the way to the department store despite my apologies and protests.
At first, I resisted out of sheer embarrassment, but now I’d given up and decided to just go along with her.
But I hadn’t heard anything about getting measured...!
I’d just forgotten, that was all...
"N-Noona...! H-help me...!"
As the employee led me away, I reached out toward Song Chaeyeon.
But she only watched me with a fond expression, as if she found me cute and was thinking of her younger siblings.
* *
In the fitting room, I ended up getting measured after all.
The employee helped me take off my tracksuit (I kept insisting that I’d do it myself, but she ended up taking it off for me). As she measured me, she said with a puzzled look,
"You’re not wearing one?"
She was looking at my very prominent chest.
Feeling a little embarrassed, I shrank back before answering.
"Ah, yes... I’ve never tried one on before."
"What? You look young, but you’ve never worn one? You seem to have the size for it..."
"Ah, yes... It’s, um, uncomfortable. Yes."
I gave a vague answer, then raised my arms as she slipped the measuring tape under my armpits.
"You shouldn’t go without one. You probably came in because you’ve already noticed the discomfort, but they’ll chafe, and with a size like this, your back will hunch. It’s not good for their shape, either. Your posture is already a little poor."
"Yes..."
She could tell everything.
Well, the viewers had figured it out from a single picture, too.
Honestly, even setting aside my male dignity, I think wearing one is better.
The shape... I might not care about, but the chafing around my waist and elsewhere really bothers me.
I managed to nod a little as I followed her instructions.
...Honestly, it’s embarrassing to admit, but I care about the shape, too.
Since I’d become a woman anyway, shouldn’t I take care of myself?
Just a little.
"You’re a 70E, so you can choose from this section."
Still wearing my tracksuit, I followed her out. Song Chaeyeon followed us, too.
There,
was a dazzling array of colorful, ‘feminine’ underwear.
"What would you like to choose?"
"......The plainest one, please."
I picked out a black bra with the fewest decorations.
* *
"...Thank you so much again, Noona."
I was starting to get used to calling her Noona.
In the end, Song Chaeyeon bought me four matching sets, including underwear for down below (the colors all matched, too!), and patted my head as if she were pleased with herself.
It really did feel comfortable to wear.
My back didn’t hurt, and I felt less hunched over.
It didn’t feel too strange, either. It was kind of like wearing something under armor.
"Don’t worry. I’m buying them because I want to. But make sure you wear them every day, okay?"
"Is there anything else you want to buy?"
"Ah."
At that moment, I thought of sanitary pads.
But after she’d already bought me so much, I didn’t think it was right to ask for more. I shook my head emphatically and said,
"N-no. I really don’t need anything else. I’m grateful enough that you bought me underwear."
Watching me deny it so vehemently, Song Chaeyeon spoke in a slightly hoarse voice.
"...Ihyeon."
"Y-yes?"
The change in her voice’s pitch made me a little scared.
Song Chaeyeon’s face was slightly tense. She bent down to meet my eyes, then
looked at me and slowly began to speak, as if carefully bringing herself down to my level.
"You know, your big sister might not be able to spot lies from people older than her, but she’s really good at spotting them from people younger than her."
As she spoke, she smiled kindly.
"Will you tell me? What else do you need?"
...Really, you don’t have to feel bad about asking.
After saying that, she patted my head again. Faced with her kindness, which was almost frightening in its gentleness, I opened and closed my mouth.
In the end, I told her.
"S-s-s-sanitary pads..."
"......What...?"
She stared down at me, looking dazed.
"I-I don’t have any sanitary pads. I don’t have any money..."
Song Chaeyeon lowered her head for a moment, lips pressed tightly together, then hugged me.
And she didn’t let go for a long time.
From within her embrace, I could smell her warm scent.
It was her warmth, which I’d felt countless times today.
"Let’s go back to the department store and buy sanitary pads. I’ll get you a big pack... But surely you know how to put one on, right?"
"N-no! Absolutely not! I can do it by myself!"
This really wasn’t okay! I cried out almost frantically and waved my hands around.
She looked at me again as if she could see right through me, then spoke in a cold voice.
"...Explain to me how you do it. Right now."
"Ah, aah..."
I babbled incoherently, then couldn’t answer.
In the end, in the department store restroom, she even had to teach me how to put one on with her own hands.