Chapter 8
Did you get home okay?
Yes.
Good, that's a relief. Contact me if you need anything else.
Yes.
I'll stop by again next week, so see you then!
Yes, thank you. See you then.
"Phew..."
I tossed my phone onto the bed and glanced around the room.
Beside it were the bandages and ointment Song Chaeyeon had bought me after walking me all the way home.
When I looked around, I saw the room she'd cleaned, spotless now—a complete contrast to yesterday.
Song Chaeyeon had even shown me how to put on a sanitary pad... Then she'd bought me bandages and ointment and given me her phone number and KakaoTalk ID.
Worried about leaving me alone in the room again, she seemed at a loss for a while. Eventually, she told me to contact her if I was having a hard time, then left with heavy steps.
......
She's still so kind.
Even after growing up.
Where did that difference between us begin?
Was it just our natures?
Or was it the difference in what we had and hadn't experienced?
Lost in those thoughts, my eyes fell on the computer, which was turned off.
My chest felt a little cold.
...When I came back after Song Chaeyeon left yesterday, the stream was still on.
The headset had been unplugged ages ago, so she probably hadn't heard anything after she came in.
So they'd be even more suspicious.
As soon as I got back, I said nothing and turned off the stream.
The chat was full of mockery and harassment.
Seeing that hellscape, I impulsively shut off the stream, my hands gone cold.
I can understand where they were coming from.
They'd heard the door lock, then me panicking, then nothing for a few hours before the stream went offline.
If that happened during a female streamer's broadcast, people would imagine all sorts of things.
They must all suspect me.
That's why I'm afraid to turn on the computer.
......Honestly, I think I'm pathetic.
I used to think that stirring shit up online was fair game, since I got cursed out as much as I cursed others out.
I mean, I thought that since I wanted to swear at them and they wanted to swear at me, we were even.
I know that's ridiculous.
But the thought of being cursed out somewhere people knew my voice and what I looked like, at least to some extent, made me a little... no, a lot afraid.
"...Phew..."
Honestly, I'm disgusted with myself.
Compared to how I act online, even a kindergartener could see the contradiction.
What can I do?
I'm trash and a pathetic person by nature.
I deserve to be condemned. I'm society's refuse, fit only for the gutter.
So.
So it's fine if I live like this!
Someday I'll get tattoos, burn a few cigarette marks into myself, and roll around in the street. Who'd be able to throw stones at me then?
When people decide someone can't be rehabilitated, they stop caring.
That's what I wanted.
It's easier to live if I think this way.
I'm trash, so it's fine to live like trash.
So look at me as trash.
Where should I get my first tattoo?
My shoulder?
Right above my tailbone?
Or my lower belly?
But thinking that way, I suddenly remembered Song Chaeyeon, who'd treated me well despite barely knowing me.
Me, living in the gutter, and someone trying to help me.
If I act like a slob and cause trouble everywhere, I'll end up tainting her.
I couldn't stand that kind of relationship.
"......Fuck."
Thinking about it made my head grow hotter and hotter.
Ah, this is so fucking annoying.
This is why I cut ties with everyone I knew.
She just barges into my heart on her own.
...And now I have to push her away again.
I picked up my phone again.
I opened KakaoTalk and tapped Song Chaeyeon's profile.
There she was with her five younger siblings, hugging all of them as if she adored them.
My finger moved toward the Block button.
...
No, forget it.
If she realized I'd blocked her, she'd come looking for me. If I heard a knock or the sound of the door lock then...
I might really pass out.
There may have been another reason, too, though I didn't want to believe it.
...
I forced myself up from where I sat, as if a thousand pounds were weighing me down.
It's about time I turned on the stream.
Everyone must be waiting to curse me out.
Even the kind people who sometimes showed up would be disappointed in me and throw stones.
I planned to take every bullet head-on.
All right.
Time to fall into the familiar gutter.
* *
I stared blankly at the rapidly scrolling chat.
---
Did it feel good? lol
Have a nice, sloppy round?
Have a happy time with your boyfriend? lol
---
I took one deep breath.
"...A classmate came by."
---
What a load of crap lol
A guy? A guy?
Why suddenly a classmate?
---
My heart was beating irregularly.
I was starting to be afraid to look at the chat.
"...They came because they were worried about me."
---
Yeah, you did seem super unstable. Try going outside once in a while.
So, a guy?
Was it a guy?
Sigh, these thirsty fuckers are so pathetic, claiming they have no ulterior motives. What would you do if there was one? lol
I asked if it was a guy.
---
I know.
Among the people insisting I was still a virgin, a lot were just making mean jokes.
And aside from them, hardly anyone actually wanted me to be a virgin.
The latter just wanted the value of my virginity to drop.
They wanted me to be beneath them that way.
But the scariest thing was...
What if someone who thought well of me got disappointed, thinking I wasn't a virgin?
I welcomed being hated, and yet I feared it.
The disgusting contradiction.
My vision grew blurrier and blurrier.
Even so, I could still see the countless unintelligible messages constantly refreshing.
I grew more and more afraid to look at them.
They were sure to be full of every kind of mockery and harassment.
Even the good people must be holding their thorns out toward me.
My body began to tremble, starting from my heart.
"I-I'm not a guy. I've never even dated anyone. I'm a virgin."
---
○○○ ○○○
○○○○
---
I could no longer see the chat.
But it was just as good as seeing it.
"......"
This was what I'd wanted all along.
It was time to fall into the gutter.
I clutched my constricted, violently trembling throat and forced the words out.
"I-I'm going to start my Bell stream now, so... just, stop cursing me out. Stop sexually harassing me."
I was afraid of what would happen if I climbed too high and then fell.
So it was much better to fall now.
With that thought, I wiped my tears with my sleeve and looked at the chat.
---
Blz donated 10,000 won.
Got it, now take a breath;
---
For real
For real, she sounds like she's about to stop breathing
She's gonna actually die at this rate
Ugh, I don't wanna hear this
No, I'm kidding, don't cry
Quit crying, you bitch. Makes me wanna strangle you
This is making my heart hurt, fuck
Why are you crying so sadly ㅠ
---
There were more messages defending me than I'd expected.
The cognitively dissonant sight left me speechless for a moment.
"...You're not going to say anything bad?"
I blinked.
---
Anyone would if you talked while shaking like that;
There are so many pathetic simps here lol That was all an act
Did we really look that evil to you...?
No, most of the virgin/non-virgin stuff was jokes, too
Cry first, win by default. Classic.
Sorry; the boyfriend thing was just a joke. I didn't think you'd freak out like that.
You're obviously a total dumbass, so I know you're not capable of lying
---
Plenty of people still claimed I was lying, but some believed me and even worried about me.
Their words were a bit rough, though.
And I saw people apologizing, saying they'd only been joking.
"..."
Somehow, the reaction was better than I'd expected, and I started feeling a little better.
I thought everyone would curse me out and hate me.
The insults still hurt, but going from the worst to merely bad made it feel like my mood had risen from rock bottom.
But my emotions really are like a rubber band.
For some reason, a laugh slipped out.
"Heh, hehe."
I felt stupid for having suffered so much all by myself.
"Hahet!"
---
??
Why'd she suddenly start laughing?
Wow, I don't usually say stuff like this, but she really seems bipolar as fuck
Crazy bitch...
She's seriously a psycho
---
The fact that they were treating me like a pathetic joke was even funnier, and I kept laughing for a while.
Do I want the gutter, or do I want to be saved?
I still want to say the former.
* *
The stream ended without any major incident.
There were still donations and comments from people wishing for my ruin, but there were also comments defending me.
I was kind of happy.
Scared, but happy.
I held on to the feeling that I'd somehow been reformed.
I turned off the stream.
I went on DC Inside.
To see what people were saying and mete out justice.
Anonymous (118.211) Views: 1,030 Comments: 213
So, Non-Virgin Pretty Girl >>>>>>>> Was that girl's visitor really her boyfriend or a female classmate?
She was way too startled when the door lock sound went off for it to be her boyfriend
But if it was just a classmate... Hmm...
Upvotes: 83 Downvotes: 44
ㄴ Anonymous (111.117): No, come on, believe her at least a little. She hasn't been streaming long, and how much shit did you guys give her that she looked like she was having a panic attack?
ㄴ Anonymous (223.222): For real lol You assholes claim to care about her, but you're just malicious. There's a reason Bell streamers avoid this place.
ㄴ Anonymous (118.232): But that pretty girl did seem kind of mentally ill, though. Is it really something to hate her over that much?
ㄴ Anonymous (213.133): If hundreds or thousands of people gang up and publicly call you a slut, any woman who doesn't lose it must be a crazy bitch, no?
ㄴ Anonymous (113.333): You think a normal person would hang out with you guys, idiots? Obviously she's mentally ill, a total menhera.
ㄴ Anonymous (223.233): ㄴ For real; didn't you see near the end of the stream? She cried alone, then started laughing; it was fucking scary.
ㄴ Anonymous (111.112): ㄴ That really was an insane legendary moment lol She was on fire.
Maybe because the post had just gone up, it didn't have many views.
But compared to that, the number of comments was exploding.
Most were saying we should believe what I said.
A faint smile crept across my face.
I shouldn't feel this way, but I was gradually starting to feel grateful.
But among the occasional negative comments, one with the most replies caught my eye.
Anonymous (112.114): Can't you tell just from her voice? This place is packed with virgin losers... It's obvious she's a total slut. I've been with plenty of women, and you can tell when someone's inexperienced. That way of talking sounds like she's sucked dozens of dicks.
ㄴ Anonymous (113.232): No, this is just dick-brained speculation, but I kinda know what he means lol
ㄴ Anonymous (233.233): No, true lol It's something... something... sexy...
"You fucking cunts..."
Never mind the second and third comments and the stream of agreement below them... the first one pissed me off the most.
...I told them to stop sexually harassing me.
The first comment. "You can tell," "obvious she's a total whore"... and that fucking baseless speculation...
Those quacks babbling about physiognomy, "I knew it," and other ridiculous nonsense.
...But why do they keep treating me like I'm not a virgin?
They'd been teasing me about being a non-virgin even before yesterday.
Why has my nickname become "Non-Virgin Pretty Girl"?
I wondered about that for a moment.
Then I did what I'd intended to do.
First, don't forget to log out.
ㄴ Anonymous (119.113): Another dumbass physiognomist crawling out of the woodwork every other day lol
There.
ㄴ Anonymous (223.111): Why'd this guy suddenly go off?
ㄴ Anonymous (113.118): For real lol
ㄴ Anonymous (233.222): Wait, is this the Non-Virgin Pretty Girl's boyfriend? lol
ㄴ Anonymous (223.138): Holy shit lol
ㄴ Anonymous (115.133): Oh shit lol
The comments came pouring in instantly.
But I really didn't like their sarcastic tone.
"You bastards..."
If I don't set these guys straight, they'll go around stirring shit up everywhere.
I have to stop them.
So what I'm doing right now is an act of delivering justice.
ㄴ Anonymous (119.113): You socially maladjusted idiots lol People like you are what make society sick lol You never even go outside lol
ㄴ Anonymous (119.113): You guys use DC Inside to boost your self-esteem and social skills lol Just live here forever, sucking everyone else's dicks lol
ㄴ Anonymous (119.113): Go ask your dad for allowance and try going outside once, you unemployed fuck lol
They say when people insult someone, they often project their own insecurities onto them.
I wanted to believe that didn't apply to me.
After angrily posting comments for a while...
The sudden barrage of comment notifications started to scare me, so I turned off the computer.
I used to think I could do it all day; if I kept at it for hours until the other person got tired and left, that was a win.
Lately, I turn it off early.
That doesn't mean I hate stirring shit up, though.
Anyway, after delivering justice in my own way, I turned off the light and lay down on my bed, feeling refreshed.
I picked up my phone out of habit, and there was one notification.
Missed call - 1
I was about to brush it off as some ordinary spam call when...
I noticed there was a message from the same number.
I opened it without thinking.
010-3X42-49X0
A complaint has been filed against you for committing an obscene act via communications media. Please report to Daenam Police Station on the date and time listed below.
- Detective Lee Yongseok
......
"What—"